Succubus Investigations - 2022-2024
2024.6.23. This is my latest page on succubus manifestations. While there are some new and interesting insights here, if this is your first read at this site, may I direct you to some of my earlier and likely better pages on this phenomenon: Light Shining In The Face, How I Killed The Astral Body Of A 14 Year Old Girl And Came To Be Plagued By A Succubus Implant, Succubus Facts, Behaviors, and Intentions, On The Life And Death Of A Succubus - OR - How To Survive Your Demonic Possession.
Summary
It's December 4, 2022 as I begin a new page of observations on these "succubus," "inverted astral body," "negative Kundalini," or "control-and-death-oriented" psychic manifestations of etheric energy within and about me.
I am not sure what I hope readers to glean from this. Psychic unions are possible. So there's that. But we're still dealing with the karmic world of creation, that continues to manifest duality, even on the subtle level. Blessings and curses abound. One's discrimination needs to be sharp in all circumstances.
In three months it will make for four years that my soul has been racked daily by this unholy union with what I am creatively describing as a "Balrog," a demon from hell, a God-sanctioned agent of Holy Retribution. Can the "Balrog" be made nice? You know, someone you can bring home to meet your parents? I don't know. It seems to be a transformation that lies beyond my abilities. A Balrog is going to do what a Balrog is going to do. In the meantime, with my heart and veins literally coursing with this hostile consciousness, my mental and physical health continue to wane.
In the following I will post journal entries and related narratives that describe different aspects of the spiritual crisis that I continue to endure.
May future spiritual aspirants be duly forewarned. May their efforts find greater success (and comfort) than mine.
Mother Shakti Goddess Transmission Observations - December 4, 2022
Elf and Wizard battle Balrogs in J.R.R. Tolkein's Middle Earth saga. (center)
A Few Journal Entries
2022.11.27. Sunday, 8:30am. Weight 206.5. Day 13 no pills.
I've been beset by crawling hunger sensations in my middle and upper esophagus areas. Three years ago, prior to this infestation, only my stomach registered hunger, and that was not often as I rarely gave it the time and emptiness necessary. But today things are different. The succubus kept up the artificial stimulation for a good two hours. When I had eaten a fair amount, she turned the stimulation to acid reflux. Now, several hours later, my mind is bogged by a supernatural heaviness and obscurity. I went outside to wash my air purifier screens, and in the heavily obstructed, chemtrailed sunlight, I was aghast at the disfigurement in my circulatory system evident beneath the skin of my legs. Long gray-blue lines and patches were metastisizing. Last night I suffered numerous attacks on my colon and around my heart. Also, my tormentor was persistent with heart control for three or four hours this morning. It was the strident, overpowering woodpecker-like vibrations that rock my body, undermine my cognitive functioning, and weaken my circulatory system. They are the epitome of dis-harmony and dis-ease, over which I have little control. I had meant to fast, but my resolve did not last longer than 30 minutes under the weight of her challenge. She wouldn't attack me with false hunger if fasting were not so key to my victory. She knows. I would do well to follow her lead and fast. Succubi are God's most ardent rule-followers.
2022.11.28. Monday, 5:40am. Weight 207.0. Day 14 no pills.
I was feeling weaker yesterday. I am fast losing my spiritual aim and momentum. I felt painful spikes of energy going into my right medulla and around my right ear much of the day. There were a few hours where intense pressure built up around and within me. My resolve to fast was quickly destroyed by the earnestness she brought to bear on my esophagus. There was crawling, more crawling, then after I ate, acid and additional trauma to the area. It is those times that after I have overeaten, and the crazy stimulation continues, that I laugh and ignore it most readily. It is sad, but when I try to write here in this journal, or engage my mind at a higher level, that she is most triggered. Writing nearly immediately brings her attention to my esophagus, to force upon me a lower order of consciousness. I enter a gastrointestinal oblivion. This happened a few minutes ago when I began, yet again, to write. Anyway, yesterday I gloomily plodded a 55-minute walk late in the day. The sky had been brutalized with spraying, causing a fake cobweb cloud cover to spread out over the island, turning the world into a pale, whitish-gray, half-alive landscape.
Last night I was the least molested that I have been in weeks. Apparently, she needed the sleep. Now, at nearly 8am her time, she is busy. I have noted but minor attacks. Finally, she has something that calls her attention. I pray to God that whatever compels her to focus upon something other than me maintains its presence and salience in her life.
It is now that I must run for it. I wavered, almost eating a papaya, which would have triggered eating an apple, some bananas, and then chocolate and nuts, and then full-on meals. I could easily weigh 30 pounds less than I do. But it is not even mostly the weight loss that I need. It is the higher vibrational state of being that I must embrace. God must see that I cling to the ethers, and to Him, for my sustenance, and not the material amnesia that I so frequently immerse myself in.
May God give me the guidance and emancipation that I seek. May this girl have no choice but to engage her world in a very serious and involving manner. Amen.
2022.12.2. Friday, 6:45am. Weight 204.8. Day 18 no pills.
This week has been a blur. It is still a blur. Monday I was left alone for the most part. I was starting to feel good. But Tuesday till today she has been on me tightly. There was a deep dive into me on Tuesday for several hours where I felt strained -- "off" -- or whatever this subtle fuckery is called -- till the K sound in both ears was 95% choked out; and in the evening, the last four or five hours of the day, I felt this crushing weight as a burning heat blanket stretched over my being, such that I had no energy for hiking or anything after work. Thank God, but last night I did a 50 minute walk, which was helpful. Having gone two days not wanting to walk, I needed to reverse course and tack into this headwind. I am glad I did it.
On Tuesday and then again Wednesday, there were minor shocks to my heart and all sorts of pin pricks and annoyances here and there.
Right now, my solar plexus feels tingly and feasted upon. My ears were largely unobstructed yesterday. But I had a lot of tension in my lower back and from the rib cage to the hip on the left side. I stretched in bed for a bit and felt it. On the hike I kneaded my left side. There was a lot of tension there that I could not get rid of. It was probably mostly Kundalini protection. It wasn't till I awoke at 2am that I found my lower back and hip area relaxed. It was glorious. It might have been midnight, but it seemed like the succubus spent 30 minutes or longer on creating a false hunger sensation in a wide swathe of my solar plexus and up and down the esophagus. This was followed from 3:30am till 5:30am by an energetic cycling all over my torso, shoulders, head, and feet. It painfully pierced and numbed everything.
Remarkably, a good hour into this, I finally drifted into a dream, but was quickly brought back to waking by a strong shock to my right hemisphere, above the ear and toward the crown and little forward right beneath my skull. It was a narrow, inch or two long area. It was extraordinary -- and this has never happened before -- but she knew exactly where I was dreaming and was able to prevent this function with one strong, precise shock. Remarkable. I hope to not feel so stretched and exhausted today.
There was major left arm pain and weakness till 2am, as well as much of these past few days at school.
4:30pm. For about 2 hours during the middle of the day there were moderate off beats and explosions.
May God help us all! Amen.
Will I Exit Via The Solar Plexus? (2022.12.11.)
I wondered last night on my hike whether this malignant presence in my heart will prevent my auspicious exit from my body upon death. I haven't done much research on this matter, and I don't think we have many people walking among us who can say with any certainty what happens after death. Kundalini awakening places one in contact with the subtle realm that gives rise to existence. You become aware of the etheric play or "maya" that human bodies -- and all bodies -- are physical manifestations of. Perhaps an enlightenment at the brain, that I was shown via the ascending current of Kundalini, leads to a release of one's spirit via the crown chakra. Maybe an enlightenment of the whole body -- via the descending Kundalini or Grace -- leads to a conscious in-dwelling of one's identity as the heart, or sinoatrial node, and this "amrit nadi" that includes the heart and serves as a portal to -- and merging with -- all that appears to lay "beyond" the human body. But since "all is One," and "we are That," clearly this "amrit nadi" is just an expression for a certain pathway in the body that links to the process of energetically and materially unifying with all of Creation -- with creation including the energetic substrate, this universal vibration, that gives rise to it. *
*Then there is the formless, motionless Wisdom or Mind that "thinks" or "wills" Kundalini, Energy, and Manfestation into existence. I do believe this is what the hypothalamus or pituitary gland intuits when you are momentarily still inside. This is our Voice and Intuition that guides us in life.
Which brings me to the question: What is the purpose of this "succubus" -- this wounded human consciousness in my heart? Yes, it seeks my physical death. But that cannot be the whole of it. There is some far worse fuckery intended, I believe. This would come at my death. But what would it be? Given the blessings the Mother Goddess has bestowed upon me, my thought is that I -- my self-sense -- would, under more benign circumstances, "crack" the etheric envelope at the center of my brain, and descend downward to my heart and merge with amrit nadi and -- by extension -- the whole of this subtle realm that informs us. But if this function were attempted while a vibrational chaos at my heart were maintained, as I am sure would be the case were she still present, what would be the result? Are these overpowered heart beats, missed beats, and so forth a physical manifestation of a kind of barrier around the heart she maintains to prevent my spiritual development and conclusion? I think that is likely. Why else would she lose so much sleep to ensure my demise? If so, then what next? Where does my soul, this unlimited energy still bound to a separate self-sense, go? Would I be forced into a lesser state? Would her blockage bar me from amrit nadi? Would I, God forbid, be forced out through the solar plexus bindu point, back to her, to be consumed and utilized by her in some highly personal and hellish manner? I think there is a reasonable chance of this. If a full judgment is meted out to me for having wrongfully terminated her higher functioning within me, then a kind of opposite justice -- an all debts paid -- could be achieved if my soul is literally consumed by her.
I believe it is due to the fact that I had every right to evict her to begin with, that this is the reason why my heart has not failed me these past four years. God is still holding out hope that I will avoid this fate. I had good reason to refuse the heightened conductivity of Grace all these years as I sought a solution for reducing manmade EMF in my home and workplace. It was an error on this girl's part to bond with me when I was not ready. I kicked her out so as to remain in service to God, and not to a girl, not even a miraculous one.
Despite all the attacks and abuses and obstructions that continue to beset me, I feel unusually free and optimistic at times. I don't know if this is ignorance or arrogance on my part. I certainly don't want to assume that Grace and freedom while I live are still intended for me. Such things are for God to decide. I don't wish to assume anything, especially given that, sadly, the "rules" that I have seen played out so far, my gain would be her loss. God's calculus is still to determine who is the more apt, the more fit spiritual aspirant. Who has the greater claim on my destiny? I contend that that person is me.
I am fasting today, despite the crawling annoyance in my esophagus. Luckily these sensations are weaker than usual, and they are easily seen for the unnatural signals that they are. My hope is that I can do this one day on, one day off, till I lose considerable weight, become extraordinarily healthy, amass tremendous life force, and win God's Grace yet again, becoming forever free of this disastrous entanglement. May God help me in this endeavor. Amen.
A quote:
"Therapeutic fasting accelerates the healing process and allows the body to recover from serious disease in a dramatically short period of time. In my practice I have seen fasting eliminate lupus and arthritis, remove chronic skin conditions such as psoriasis and eczema, heal the digestive tract in patients with ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease, and quickly eliminate cardiovascular diseases such as high blood pressure and angina. In these cases the recoveries were permanent: fasting enabled longtime disease sufferers to unchain themselves from their multiple toxic drugs and even eliminate the need for surgery, which was recommended to some of them as their only solution."
~ Fuhrman, Dr. Joel. Fasting and Eating for Health: A Medical Doctor's Program For Conquering Disease. St. Martin’s Press. Kindle Edition.
May the above health strategy work for me, as well!
More On The Balrog (*) (2022.12.11.)
From Wikipedia, a Balrog (/ˈbælrɒɡ/) is a powerful demonic monster in J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle-earth. One first appeared in print in his high-fantasy novel "The Lord of the Rings"... Balrogs are tall and menacing beings who can shroud themselves in fire, darkness, and shadow. They are armed with fiery whips "of many thongs", and occasionally use long swords. In Tolkien's later conception, they could not be readily vanquished -- a certain stature was required by the would-be hero. Only dragons rivalled their capacity for ferocity and destruction, and during the First Age of Middle-earth, they were among the most feared of Morgoth's forces. Their power came from their nature as Maiar, angelic beings [italics mine] like the Valar."
In some illustrations I have seen Balrogs with black wings, suggestive of fallen angels. This points to the subtle dimension from which these creatures derive their heightened power.
So it is with what I have termed "succubi," or inverted astral beings. Such beings, like the Balrogs, serve a higher purpose -- God's purpose, I contend. Here in our created realm, you cannot have good without bad, or light without dark. This duality is inherent in creation. Life and death are only resolved at a higher, or more subtle level.
The succubus, like the Balrog, does only what God has enabled and provided for it to do. To vanquish such a being, a spiritual aspirant must attain a very high stature, indeed. Intensifying the urge to spiritual self-edification is God's intended purpose for such creatures as Balrogs and succubi.
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide, and Anger (2022.12.24.)
Kundalini wanted me to be exceptionally angry at this etheric infestation. There was an eruption of anger in my torso in July of 2019 that I withdrew from. My solar and brachial plexuses spun up like a hurricane. Another five seconds of this and the succubus would have been launched out of me. Though I wanted this thing gone -- I mean, she clearly wanted to destroy my heart, and kill me in the process -- anger was simply not something I was able to feel about it. There have been a few instances of comparatively minor Kundalini movements that sought to encourage this feeling of righteous anger in me, but I have yet to rise to the occasion. While a deeper explanation of this, including describing this reticence as at least partly a moral failing on my part, is something I touch on elsewhere, it does point to a deep consideration on my part: the why and the wherefore of this girl's etheric extension and identity embedded within me.
First, I blame God for allowing this to happen to me. I mean, everything this girl has done to me, He has enabled. All the power she wields to upend my life and destroy me, He gave to her. And what have I done? I had spent the preceding 25 years attempting to triage the tremendous suffering that the Descent of Grace in 1994 resulted in. Until I found some respite or protection from manmade EMF, I was forced, in my view, to live in spiritual abeyance, not allowing my body to be the incarnation of Holy Spirit that God had intended it to be. I had not had even so much as a kiss in 18 years. I lived the life of a hermit, apart from the minimum work needed to provide for my expenses, as a teacher of special needs students. Then this astrally-empowered girl, in 2017, at just 12 years of age, sensed my having been Blessed -- or at least partially so -- and that was that for her. She tied us together etherically and told her father and friends that she was "pledged" to me, causing her father to call my mother, stating that he couldn't change his daughter's mind, but demanded that I cease from any encouragement or participation in the matter. This girl was my teacher's aide one period per day, along with two boys. I had been given zero say in her hog tying my etheric body to hers. I didn't have her phone number; and I had had only the briefest passing private communications with her. I was a teacher and 42 years her senior, for crying out loud. While her energetic qualities and attachment to me was a blessing in many ways, it was also a potential disaster, so my aim was to steer clear of this, as much as possible, till the girl became of legal age, 18, six years later. At that time, I thought, we could have a proper discussion about if and how to proceed, if she were still interested.
So how is it that I should feel angry about a girl like this turning on me? I mean, she is an agent of God, right? Shouldn't God share some of the responsibility? But there is more.
During the two-year leadup to this girl's plunging her soul into me, I was wrestling with a couple of things. One was my constructing and inhabiting an all-metal, military-grade EMF shelter, at a cost of $50K (about a year's salary, money I didn't have and had to borrow; that I began living in in June 2018); and this girl's ongoing nightly telepathic communications with me. In order for me to respond, I had concentrate psychic energy along the frontal line of my torso, or at least my frontal lobes, and then cause an energy burst from the torso, or the area where the frontal lobes meet (at or just forward from the pituitary gland). When I responded like this, I felt waves of happiness and pleasure returned from her. These emotional or psychic bursts exhausted me because they made me more open to the subtle world around me, and therefore more conscious of the ubiquitous electromagnetic pollution that characterizes the modern world. She apparently had zero problems with EMF. But that is another matter. On top of this was the daily nightmare of my having to live inside an all metal box that, from day one, I knew to have a deleterious effect on the heightened functioning of my endocrine system. I had pain in all my glands while inside; and after months of living inside this thing, I felt my health and vitality markedly degrading.
So I was in absolutely no shape to deal with the spiritual crisis that would emerge in February 2019.
Six months living inside the metal box, my general physiologic weakness had combined with a corresponding debilitation and reticence to utilize my psychic capacity. It hurt too much to do so, and my body's resilience was on the wane. It is my belief that a virgin succubus or etherically empowered maiden, can sustain her need for male communion without sex, provided that the would be God-man -- me -- actually delivered on the goods, those "goods" being a Holy Spirit empowered body that can energetically feed and ground such a girl. Obviously, my own body and psychic functioning was a trainwreck compared to the DNA hardwiring and evolutionary expectations that had placed this girl on her present course. She was on autopilot, following guidance from the Holy Spirit.
This was August 2018. It was the night before her first day at the high school. She was just 13 and was a wreck. Anxiety was plowing into my solar plexus almost the entire night. I felt her trying to gain a foothold, a comforting existential lock of some sort at the level of my solar plexus. But there were two problems. One was that her identity was still outside me, so she lacked leverage. The other was that I was a failure in terms of holding up my end of the etheric relationship intended by God. I am not sure how I would have performed had I been a full manifestation of Holy Spirit in the male body. But my intuition tells me that somehow, with an at least 15-fold increase in energetic capacity, I would have been able to sustain her connection and ground her anxiety, this existential uncertainty. With her emotions and energy tethered to a higher source, through me, she would meet the start of the school year with transcendental aplomb.
But I was a big, fat loser; and things only deteriorated from there.
The girl turned 14 in October. Then we had a week off for Thanksgiving in late November. For almost that entire week I was plowed with feelings of suicide. I am not a suicidal person. My spiritual journey is grounded in an extreme realism. I had never taken a day off work due to these heightened energies that contacted me daily. My income, and ability to provide food and shelter for myself were always paramount. Whatever God demanded, would have to be filtered through my more basic needs. Maslow's hierarchy and all that. So suicide would never be on my mind, especially as I was indebted to my mother for $50,000 on account of this EMF safety boondoggle of mine. I would never leave her on the hook for that. But that partial explanation is just for the reader here. The anxiety, suicidal feelings, and so forth were energies with actual speed and direction, that came from outside of me. This girl's capacity for emotional transmission was off the charts. In my very reduced state, I found them dangerous and destablizing. They tore at this false limitation I had encased myself in, out of my need for safety. But this was her, her world, a young, virgin, empowered girl. I tried to reach out to her telepathically, such as when I was in a remote area of Joshua Tree National Park, hiking, as I did several times a week to be in an EMF-reduced, natural setting. But these were weak efforts, hardly enough to shore up her need for male communion. By the way, she was able to access me just fine through the laminated galvanized metal panels. So prana or psychic energy is not deterred, as are artificial radiowaves.
These feelings of suicide were highly troubling. Obviously, there was something exceptionally disappointing in our relationship. Perhaps she didn't have words for it, but she knew that something was wrong. I ought to have been able to give her what she needed, even from 20 miles away. But I couldn't, and she could find no workaround for the problem.
A month later was Christmas vacation. For at least a solid week of that, I was hit by waves of depression, also entering my solar plexus. It was the most disabling depression I could imagine. What the heck would a young girl do with such feelings? I expected her to kill herself at any moment.
I was becoming even more intolerant of her need for psychic communion with me. My glands would hurt just from receiving her entreaties. My attempting to return the communications would make me ill. So it was that one morning in mid-January, I felt her downward thrust of love from my chest down to my penis, and I instinctively turned away from her. It's like I slammed the door on her.
This was followed by two weeks of radio silence, and then a burst of energy one morning, but it was different. It was not directed at me. There was a smaller one the next day, but again, what I sensed was just the wake, the fumes, of something she had initiated between herself and another guy. This was at the time of day that high school kids were getting onto school buses in the morning. I figured that this was a neighbor and classmate, someone she did not know well, but figured she could substitute for me somehow.
In late February I received a small burst of love to my chest on a Friday night, then she slept with the guy the following Monday, which was a holiday.
It was a soul wrenching experience for me, as I was still etherically bound to her. Why didn't she cut me loose? Why was I dragged through all that? What was her plan? I do not know for sure. Maybe, when she discovered that I was not equipped adequately to support her from a position of subtle superiority, she decided to declare dominion over me spiritually, and take on a boy her own age to be her life's partner. Maybe she could not detach from me once etherically bound. Maybe she would dump the boy once she graduated from high school. I do not know. I do know that the 3-4 hour marathon sex sessions she had daily with him after school were far too enjoyable for her to have only a passing interest in the kid. And then there was that 48 hour sleepless stint where he came 49 times. (I kept a page with hashmarks as I counted their couplings.) It was at the end of this episode that I sensed his autonomy and solar plexus break in some unfathomable and disgusting fashion, and the tremendous glee and satisfaction she derived from it. And yet I was still attached to this whole situation, having kicked her out, successfully, only to have her return in a different, inverted, menacing form.
It was April, and I was at my wit's end. She was "drilling" into deeper and deeper areas of my mind, seeking to destroy my mind, causing some kind of unspeakable madness. So I broke my silence and sent her a good dozen emails explaining my side of the story. She never responded.
But she did respond, once. I had sent her an email saying that it was a mistake for her to have embedded her soul in me. I said that she "should have gone to the boy." Within a few minutes, I felt a ferocious anger from her reach out toward my entire body, and as I lay on my bed, press down upon my entire body, in an attempt to squash me. It felt like the equivalent of a five pound weight distributed evenly across my body. It was far less than the "1000 pounds" I estimate the Descent of Grace to have felt like the first time I experienced it in November 1994. But this was a girl, a human source, so it was impressive. But it was the anger that was associated with it that was the scarier thing. She would have pulverized me into nothingness if she could.
So what does this all tell me? She wanted to bond with me. She was, perhaps, forced into a union with another guy. Maybe there was a timeline she had to adhere to. She still wanted the spiritual connection with me that the boy lacked. The anxiety meant that she was fragile, trapped in her need for a man's support. The feelings of suicide and depression meant, most likely, that she was horribly disappointed at my/our inability to consumate, physically, the etheric marriage she had established. Or perhaps it was my energetic lacking, and the fallout from that, that weighed on her.
But her infidelity and lack of intellectual transparency are concerning. But since I have not been able to verify her intentions, it has been hard for me to render final judgment.
Yes, I want to rid her from my body, but at the same time I feel let down by God. I showed that I had the power to kick her out the first time. But then God came and demanded that I accept the Holy Spirit in a permanent indwelling, in heightened fashion, in my body. I said "no" because I had been made too ill too many times by any ramping up in my energetic functioning. I needed to establish an EMF safe zone for myself first. Having taken my temporary "no" to be a final "no," the 48 hour grace period was over, and the girl in a black wind or succubus (i.e., not benign) form, re-entered my body and dwells there still, almost four years later.
I continue to be open to God transforming our relationship. I mean, how likely is it that a girl like her and a guy like me are going to have another chance at an etheric union any time soon? I mean, if I am allowed to fully serve God, and this girl's soul is rehabilitated and enabled to derive sustenance from the higher functioning of my brachial plexus, would not that be a "notch" on God's bedboard? But no, it seems such a victory is for a future pairing of two other souls. For the past four years, our relationship has been stuck in a morbid rut. One of us has to go. That's it. No other other path lies through this.
My body and resolve have grown weaker these past few years. It's Christmas day, 2022, as I wrap up my first edit of this entry. She is distracted, which makes my life easier, for the moment. I can only hope that she finds herself saddled with financial and social obligations. I need to fast. I need to pray. I need to wax emotional. May God support me in this effort.
More Journal Entries
2022.12.18. Sunday, 12:30pm. Weight 197.4. Day 33 no pills.
I fasted yesterday for 29 hours, ending at 1am last night. I was up from 1am to 3am capturing numerous COVID articles in my browser and posting them to my website. During that time I was rocked with etheric explosions in my chest, along with moderate heart beats that occurred for most of the night, until 5am, but also continuing off and on for most of the morning.
Laying in bed from 3am till 5am, the girl also attacked various areas of my body. I felt light, sharp etheric impressions at my scapula, alongside my spine, at the bottom of my rib cage, and so forth. They were still half the strength of what they were a week ago, but growing, little by little, stronger than they were this week, in which I fasted Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Yes, between her breathing in my left ear, and controlled off beats in my heart for hours at a stretch, she is clearly using this weekend to claw back into me to regain her position of ownership.
I have felt more pressure and discomfort today, relative to yesterday. Yesterday I was remarkably productive. I was subject to major attacks, but they deflected off me more than they did late last night and today. I feel pain in my brain right now, with my eyes, biceps, neck, ears, and torso hot and irritated.
2022.12.26. Monday, 9am. Weight 201.5. Day 7.
This past week has been a disappointing blur. The last day I was able to fast was Saturday the 17th. In the following I will relay a summary of whatever it is I can remember from this past week, which isn't much.
Power and communications were out from Monday through Friday, due to high winds toppling trees, so I spent the days dragging my belongings and computer stuff to school, which had the power and Internet access I needed. I tried to fast a few days but was foiled each time. Having to locate alternate refrigerators for my food, interacting with lots of people at work and around town, et cetera, made it harder to fast. But so did my tormentor's nearly relentless effort to control my heart, choke off the Kundalini ring tone, and inject herself here and there throughout my body. Also challenging were my mother's ongoing -- in my view -- COVID-19 Pfizer injection complications. She is going downhill quickly, it seems to me. I've asked her to get tested for clotting (D-Dimer) and other tests of heart function, but she's been reluctant, and her doctors are bought off by the pharmaceutical companies.
It ruins my thought process to have the obnoxious heart control going on within me for hours at a stretch. The vibrations destroy my thoughts. Then there are the periods of time where my heart rate is massively elevated. For example, I had a four hour stretch where I had a 90+ BPM; and a two hour period above 120. Thankfully, when my heart is really under the succubus' gun, with her foot like lead on the gas pedal of my sinoatrial node, my heart flutters, with each beat having almost no traction. If each beat were felt fully, I'd be in bad shape; but luckily, my heart knows how to deflect the excess energy, at least at these high rates. I believe I'd die otherwise.
In the last 20 minutes I have had three or four painful etheric plantings into the muscles of my solar plexus, on the right and left side of my bindu point. The girl is relentless.
On Friday I was still at work, as power had not yet been restored. The entire day the succubus had latched on to my sinoatrial node. I estimate that she maintained her attack of this small region for over eight hours. Throughout the day I would knead and stretch the area. My left arm was very weak. It was not until sometime late that night when, presumably, we were both asleep, that the tension in my heart was gone, and my left arm felt normal again. You know the source of your illness if after you stretch or successfully manipulate the tissue, the action is followed by a flurry of harsh and dysregulated heart beats. That is the succubus saying, "Stop what you are doing! Do not disturb my important work!”
A half dozen times there have been lesions in my solar plexus that I could only release through a set of sixty sit-ups. But nothing new there.
It was quite trying dealing with the girl's nearly unceasing attacks on me day and night. When the control beats become too pronounced, I have to lay down, contract inward along the frontal line, and do breathing exercises. Depending on her mood or the strength of the "grip" she maintains,my efforts frequently have little effect. But it is better than standing at my desk writing, attempting to ignore the rift between the calm of my mind and this chaos at my body's center. Persisting in mental activity when my body is under attack only worsens my predicament.
I did my 2 hour hike a week ago Sunday. It was lackluster. I had zero umph. I should have had more energy, given my light weight, and recent success fasting four separate days, with the last day being just the day before. But I had no rebound or bounce from that. There was greater and greater pressure on my heart with the control beats, till the force was scary. She was able to ignore most of my body, exerting herself fully and exclusively on my heart muscle. The beats were such that I felt that my heart might suffer some kind of tearing or damage. Thankfully there was no pain; but given the ongoing assault, and my deteriorating sense of wellbeing, I believe incurring more serious and lasting damage to the heart is just a matter of time.
So it was that Sunday night, though concluding a 1200 ft elevation gain hike in a beautiful environment, I was beset by control beats immediately upon going horizontal at 9pm.This persisted for an hour until I decided to take a sleeping pill that, for whatever reason, allowed me to sleep. The control beats lessened, and my mind was able to sink below the surface into unconsciousness. The concerning thing for me was that I had, again, fasted four days and had done a two hour hike. I had been a good spiritual aspirant. In my view, I should have been given more protection. But whatever support I had earned, she easily blasted through with a day or so's effort. I felt betrayed.
I had a dream. I was driving a car. There was a major windstorm bearing down on me. I could see the clouds swirling high above me. Dirt flew past me, lifted from the road. I was trying to drive up a hill, but between the wind resistance and the steep incline, I stalled out and had to reverse. There was an old woman in the car ahead of me. She made it up to the top down the other side.
For two days I had a Kundalini block between the right scapula and my spine. While it was there, the force of the control beats was lessened. I thought, "Great, this is how it should be. I deserve greater protection." I continued, “I am kundalini awakened. I am kundalini active. I should at least have a modicum of defense during these etheric attacks." But it fizzled out and is now gone again. I feel again, betrayed.
The week before last I had four 29-hour blocks in which I did not eat. These were on alternating days. As the days progressed, I felt the succubus' grip on my heart lessen and, equally important, my sense of self and connection with my world intensified. My experiences felt more real. For the first time in months, I felt the slow drift into gray -- that being under her shadow engenders -- begin to reverse and lift. As for what exactly this pall is, my best guess is that it is an energetic occlusion of my heart muscle. It's the clarity and integrity of that organ that lends to a sense of freedom and acuity in my mind. So I was feeling -- and thinking -- with greater sharpness and optimism. But over the course of a day or two last weekend, the control beats that were at first very weak, grew in force till they shut down my thinking and being. I had rings under my eyes. The skin in my face looked like the life force was stolen from it. And the vibrations in my chest were about the worst they have ever been. This showed me that though I might effect good works and go about my business with a higher focus, with food playing a very small role in controlling my behavior, that I was still tethered to her. It seemed pointless to make an effort to run away. Why bother? God had granted my body to her. That was that.
This caused me to think about how my first "rescue effort" by the Holy Spirit in April 2019, two months after the infestation occurred, showed me that Kundalini was mostly ineffectual in its attempt to save me. Though it pummeled and purified my body etherically, the heart muscle itself was off limits to its efforts, despite the heart itself being the source of the problem. With that tremendous disappointment sending me packing thousands of miles away to Hawaii and Australia for relief, I encountered again a rescue effort two months later, back in that same ill-fated bed of mine in Southern California. Though I was in the thrall of the succubus' attacks on different parts of my mind and body, with painful shocks and pressures applied to my heart -- some of which I feared would kill me -- Kundalini spun up my brachial and solar plexus chakras in a great storm of revulsion. I should have gone with God's righteous anger there and then, but I pulled back, fearful that I should not make a run for it unless I were doing so from a position of relative safety -- for example, Hawaii -- in the event that God failed, as He had done before in April. I did not want to piss off the succubus any more than I had. But for God, I was supposed to drop everything and run to Him for protection, despite my negative experience of the same previously.
Having said all this, the Holy Spirit is fickle, and does what It wants to do, when It wants to do it. You can perform austerities -- spiritual feats -- but there is no guarantee as to when and where your actions will be rewarded, if they are rewarded at all.
So it is that the succubus remains desperately clinging to me. She must feel that her grip on me is tenuous — that her victory is by no means certain. The only thing that can grant her the comfort and finality that she seeks is my death. So it is now, for the past three hours, I have been beset not just by heart control, but by the equally obnoxious breathing in my left ear that I detest so much.
I should fast, because it is the right thing to do; and I need to be ready for any and all interventions that the Holy Spirit takes it upon Herself to perform. Amen.
2022.12.27. Voice Memo, 60 minutes, succubus thoughts.
2022.11.13. Voice Memo, 37 minutes, more succubus considerations.
2022.12.29. Thursday, 9:05am. Weight 205.9. Day10.
Lots of heart control sending me to lay in bed for an hour already today. I've had very little luck reducing the force of these obnoxious beats. I've been bingeing. In the past 36 hours, I have eaten from my Tuesday Costco run: one gallon of frozen organic acai, 48 ounces of plain nonfat organic yogurt with a good half pound of organic coconut sugar mixed in, a family sized bag of pork jerky, and so much more. :(
As I sat at the Honda dealership on Tuesday, with my car receiving another coat of Quantum ceramic paint treatment, I felt a growing pain in my heart and weakness in my left arm. The heart pain was concerning. I had not felt pain of this sort before. So, I stood up and arranged my work station so that I could stand as I wrote. This helped tremendously. I also took a walk to a nearby grocery store to buy some marlin and ahi poke. The pain subsided. What has been concerning is how I've had influxes of harmful energy without feeling the inflows of it. There will still be occasional painful etheric jabs going into me here and there, but nothing that would account for the overwhelming attacks in my interior. Either the energy is able to enter my bindu point unnoticed, which I doubt, or my heart and my connection to amrit nadi are being more coopted by her than usual, amassing a dangerous level of energy inside me, sufficient, finally, to kill.
This is what is happening. I'll be sitting down, or laying down on my back, and I will feel internal pressure develop in my body, such that pain in my heart and elsewhere can grow, without apparent effort or action on her part. It does seem like she is becoming more powerful inside me, without additional effort, just God's progression in my takedown.
After I took my walk and got some food, the pain in my heart did not return. I was there another hour, but I did not sit down again.
Right now, it is 10am. The succubus has been ON me for 4 of the 5.5 hours that I have been awake. And last night was miserable. Every time I woke up, my back behind my heart was intensely sore. What the FUCK is going on there when I am asleep? She must be attacking this region savagely when I am not awake. There was much control beats, and I found myself unable to wake up refreshed, as I had done Wednesday morning.
Tuesday, for the rest of the day, and that night, I was left mostly alone. She actually slept Tuesday night, praise God. There was little to no ear noise or control beats. I was mostly unmolested her time Tuesday noon till yesterday morning, when she was back at it with a vengeance.
I was able to feel rested with just 6 hours of sleep Tuesday night. I was feeling energetically much more free, though sobered by the thought that my freedom was just a mirage, so why should I even care about it? But I had plenty of energy to shop, drive, and I even did step aerobics after my day's outings, for 45 minutes, which is longer than I am able to sustain when I have had her attention all day. I believe she was asleep at 9pm her time, 7pm mine, as I got more into the groove of the exercise. She made some feeble attempts to cause exaggerated heart beats. But her connection to me was dim, like she was sleeping. But I received more of her attention as I got more into it and the exercised continued another 45 minutes. She caused one of those shocks right above my left hip under the left rib cage. When done well it really shocks my heart, but this time it didn't have the necessary traction, praise God. She really cannot allow me to write or exercise. Those are two things that I am not allowed to engage without disruption.
I have been eating way too much lately, which is a problem.
I find myself hoping that she has a job, but sadly I don't think so. She is able to loll about doing nothing but fuck with me. She must be terrified of taking responsibilities. Maybe it was Monday this week, but I thought she might have a job. But definitely not yesterday or today. I wonder whether she had sex on Tuesday afternoon. She did something that put her to bed early. But given how total her involvement is today, and was yesterday, I am thinking she is still "pledged" to me and to me alone. :( Her connection to me would be weaker were she fucking her boyfriend -- or so I would hope. If God is just, but I am just not sure that He is.
2022.12.30. Friday, 7:33am. Weight 204.4. Day 11.
It's getting worse. She is able to manifest painful energy inside my heart. Like a chick breaking forth from its shell, this dangerous, painful energy is seeking to demolish my body and my hold on this life. I wish God would step in unilaterally and take care of the matter, but I have doubts that this will happen. I had thought to fast today, but I decided instead to eat at 7:30am or so, a couple of apples, followed by two bananas. I am sure more food will follow. I have decided for the time being, perhaps suicidally, that giving up food should not be necessary in my case. I should not have to cleave to the ethers in this manner. God should rescue me as I am. That is my thought on the matter. I have always been a lousy yogi. God should not press me into proving myself via fasting. Fasting has never been a strong suit of mine.
Anyway, she isn't focused on controlling my heart beat as much the past couple of days. Rather, it's the amassing of deadly psychic energy inside my heart, upper back, and brachial plexus that is her aim. Note that I am not feeling incursions of energy from outside me. Most of the pain and control is generated from within the heart itself. I have to be more vigilant now. I can't wait for a signal of a painful barb coming into me. What is happening is that a deadly psychic storm is amassing inside my torso, and then deployed against my entire brachial plexus and upper back. I felt this yesterday and today. What is eerie about it is that it is mostly unfelt, until I twist or move. Then I feel a moderate and painful tension in my sternum and brachial plexus, as well as all the area of my upper back between and including the right and left scapulas. Since I was in California, never has she been able to amass such a great amount of energy within me. It must be my lungs involved, too. I wonder if, when, and how Kundalini, or my body, will stage a counter to this. It is shockingly powerful and symmetrical. This is no doubt intended for the holistic KCT takedown, I am sad to say.
Even now, hours after the peak of this activity, and my doing numerous stretches, sit ups, and push-ups to reduce its force, the energy within me, that is under her control, continues to amass and seeks to overwhelm me.
My heart will fail if she keeps this up. Her abilities continue to strengthen, with God doing next to nothing to support me.
I am also extremely saddened that this girl has NOTHING to do but meditate on me. Even if it is not sustainable, God will give her lots of credit for her effort, I am sure. She is proving herself a most devoted adversary, even as others make this possible for her.
I am making a weak effort to run out the clock here. I am wondering, how long can this girl go without working? How long will her parents pay her bills? For how many months and years can she go without any worldly concerns? Yesterday and today, she has had nothing to do but molest and terrorize me. I am wondering whether it is possible for me to "win" not by being brave, but by taking whatever punishment she is able to mete out to me. Such a foolish hope runs counter to my every experience with Holy Spirit. With the Mother Goddess, it is all about bravery, daring and leaps of faith. To "duck and cover" or "sit and take it" are most likely not going to earn any respect or attention from Her.
As a recap: I sat at a table at Honda and began to feel sharp pricks throughout the interior of my heart. Yesterday, standing at my desk, yet again, at 6pm, I began to feel the same pricks and pain, along with some pressure in my chest. Last night, for some hours after 2am, my upper back was very sore from etheric attack. This morning, for the first time, I felt exceptional pain and tension in my chest, paired with the upper back. Her control and force are gaining ground. It is now 9:20am, or 11:20am her time. Has she nothing else to do with her day? God help me!
I wonder, what a lousy spiritual aspirant I must appear to be. I have so much head space directed at financial and occupational matters. It takes up about 70% of my daily allotment of energy. I am at an extreme disadvantage until she has similar duties.
I also wonder what kind of protestations and crying fits this girl is engaged in at her home. She must be putting on quite the show to win such sympathy from the Holy Spirit. I wish I felt compelled to do the same. Should I fake it? Should I do anything it takes to win my way to life? I am so weary of this contest. I can get next to nothing done for school when I am under such attack.
It's about 10am my time. She is finally letting up for the first time since midnight my time. Ninety-five percent reduction in breathing in left ear. And an equal reduction in pain and pressure in the chest.
2022.12.31. 7:45am, Saturday. Weight 203.4. Day 12 no sleeping pills.
I did the longer hike yesterday. My sense of drag was exceptional. But I did it. The way I felt last night and this morning, it goes to show that exercise always leads you to greater health and clarity. The body will show you the way. I am feeling better today. I found myself wishing that I was retired, so that I could actually have a schedule that supported my health and would give me greater resistance to this negative traction that afflicts me much of the time. I used to avidly do 2 hour hikes daily. This was a mere maintenance program. I did this for years. I used to do step aerobics in the morning and a long hike in the afternoon. I did this for decades. Now, it is an effort to do just one 45-minute step aerobics or lazy walk daily, and a 2 hour more strenuous hike one time, at most, per week. You might say, "Oh, that is because you are 57 years old." I do not believe that for a second. It is largely due to this psychic conflict of mine. Although I imagine that the brutal spraying that is compromising everyone's health, along with the shedding or whatever is going on with the spread of this COVID-19 vaccine damage, is playing a role in my tiredness.
After my hike yesterday, I had a large grilled cheese sandwich at a local food stand. I had developed a large Kundalini block in my left lower back by the end of the hike, but it dissipated after consuming this unnecessary food. Going to bed, I felt hollowed out. My heart raced stridently for a while as I worked on my music collection for a bit, but then eased when I walked about organizing my possessions.
On the hike I attempted some visualizations and meditations, but they fell flat. I had been so drained by the day that I had little left to maintain a higher focus. An hour before I had gotten out of bed in the morning, and again later in the morning as I wrote, I felt a wave of pain literally blow, like a black poison, over the right and left frontal lobes of my cerebellum. Interestingly, as my thoughts on being relegated to an unfit status, forever feasted upon by a malignant menace, unable ever to fulfill God's plan and my lifelong aspiration, my eyes misted over briefly at the same time that a spontaneous eruption of pleasure, like that cool blue energy that cascades through my body sometimes, over the surface of my left cerebellum, between it and the skull. So, my thinking hit pay dirt. It's that very high vibrational cascade or eruption that lets me know that my body and brain are doing the right thing and have God's blessing. Unlike the more frequent of such arisings from my spinal cord, this was the first that I can remember occurring on the outside of my cerebellum. Praise God.
All this morning I have been feeling tightness throughout my body. This is the opposite of the internal dissolution and flaccidity encouraged by the succubus. This is what happens when you exercise a lot. Your whole body feels taut, alive. I can only imagine that a healthy physiologic response like this poses a threat to a negative etheric anchor in your heart. Of course, the succubus' presence is largely a transcendental matter, but I can only believe that a taut and healthy body will encourage Grace's support, and will provide greater resilience to whatever negativity the succubus brings your way.
Having said that, last night sucked. I slept well enough from 9pm till midnight, then I was kept up for the next two hours, and was molested till past 5am my time. It began with strident heart beats, that were soon followed by lines of energy coming out of my heart and descending down into my groin on the left side. My hips do not like her infesting them, so they register pain readily when she moves about. I felt her tap my descending colon. I imagine that a lot nourishment intended for me was siphoned off back to her inside my heart, to be transmitted back to her physical form, allowing her to live with just 4 hours of sleep every two or three nights, or something like that, the tap is so intense. I dug my fingers into and around my GI tract to try to dislodge her. I stretched in ways that stiffened the line that her etheric thread followed down into my innards. She reacted with heart racing. I also felt a thread of energy that extended upward and attached to my ear canal. I shook my head and dislodged it, which again caused rapid heartbeats. There were shocks to my eyes, as well, which is unusual. Also, for a solid five hours, whenever I could I stiffened my back muscles and scapula area to loosen the brutal pain that was heaped upon the area from within me. It is when I am completely relaxed and asleep that she takes advantage of this area, I imagine with the principal intention of choking out my heart. So far my heart has not faltered. I can only pray that this resilience continues. It is such a cosmic drain to be dealing with this every night.
3:50pm. My brachial plexus was in pain at a local restaurant two hours ago. I at upright with my back stiff as I massaged my chest until the etheric tension subsided. I overate, predictably. For the past 90 minutes I have had my chest and solar plexus pounded, with significant heart control. I did two rounds of sit-ups and stumbled around the rest of the time. I could barely focus on anything productive. Now, at 4:20pm it has passed. It seems that she is heading out for a New Year's Eve celebration. Good. Enjoy yourself.
Kundalini And Your Performance During Epic Moments (2020)
In college I took a course on "existentialism" from the philosophy department. The basic premise, if I recall correctly, was that man's highest virtue and greatest attainment was to become a man of "action:" "engaged," "immersed," "responsive" to this world. A man was not simply "to be," but "to be as the world." If there was a problem, this "man of action" would deal with it. He would overcome it. He was the Übermensch: the triumphant one. This was juxtaposed with the qualities of passivity and disengagement. Let's say a woman was being stabbed and five passersby watched in fear. Well, the man of action would jump in there and do something about it. There were transcendental associations with the notion, because the man of action would not be locked in his mind. His body would overcome whatever mental paralysis might be taking place, and he would act and engage the subject of his mind's preoccupation.
I do find resonance between this concept of engagement and the heart centered consciousness that I often refer to at this site. The point of whole body enlightenment is to become as fully engaged in the world as humanly possible. Rather than being limited to a spark in the mind, the entire body becomes a conduit for God consciousness.
We watched several movies in the existentialism class. One was the "Third Man" (*). In the movie, Orson Welles' character has a monologue that I think epitomizes the whole existentialist gestalt. He speaks of the thirty-year Medici period in Italy. There was drunkenness, debauchery, and excesses of all types, but at the same time, it gave rise to some of the most extraordinary artistic, literary, and scientific achievements yet attained by humanity. Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and many other geniuses arose in this time and place. Welles then asks, "What did Switzerland produce with 500 years of peace and stability?" He answers the question sarcastically, "The cuckoo clock."
***
The point of the above is that if you want to go deep into this world and achieve something great and noteworthy, you have to be a wild man. You cannot let the limitations imposed by society prevent your attainment. It can be a dangerous thing to strive for more, but this is exactly what the man of action, the engaged man does. He overcomes his fear and conditioning to achieve the greatness and "more" that is humanity's destiny.
What does this have to do with Kundalini? Everything. Apart from the intensity mentioned above, as the spiritual self-help book title -- "Chop Wood Carry Water" (*) -- implies, enlightenment is, in the end, embodiment.
Kundalini is an adrenaline junky. It cares not for the routine and mundane. Kundalini lusts for the high octane, full sensory, holistically-committed experiential fulfillment of the physical and subtle body. While the otherwise boring Buddhist eight-fold path involves right action, right thinking, and a whole lot of ritual and routine that are essential for grounding Kundalini -- this unlimited force of life -- it is imperative -- when and where possible -- to extend the leash -- to open up the engine valves -- whenever you determine that it is safe and appropriate to do so.
From the movie, "The Third Man" (excerpted from Wikipedia).3
In a famous scene, [Welles' character] Lime meets Martins on the Wiener Riesenrad in the Prater amusement park. Looking down on the people below from his vantage point, Lime compares them to dots, and says that it would be insignificant if one of them or a few of them "stopped moving, forever".
Back on the ground, [Welles] notes: "You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and blood-shed; but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had 500 years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock!"
...Or it may be that Welles was influenced by Geoffrey Household, who wrote in his novel Rogue Male: "...Swiss. A people, my dear fellow, of quite extraordinary stupidity and immorality. A combination which only a long experience of democratic government could have produced."
2023.3.18. Saturday, 9:00am. Weight 208.0. Day 26.
Odds and ends here. You can tell the challenge my brain is functioning under with these abrupt starts and stops and unfinished thoughts. But here goes a few.
On Wednesday I visited two towns (edit), where I had an excellent 2.5 mile one way walk with 1100' of elevation gain in 50 minutes. My favorite hikes have at least 1000' of elevation gain in under one hour from bottom to top. This steady continuous incline promotes increased body temperature, profuse sweating, and a general sustained effort that is transformative. On the downhill I focus on massaging my arms, head, and torso, or relax into a heightened state of wellness. My Cottonwood Mountains hike in Joshua Tree National Park was 1000' of elevation gain and took about one hour from base to summit. The Bump and Grind Trail in Rancho Mirage that I did after the succubus had rendered manmade EMF imperceptible to me, on account of its compromising the heightened functioning of my heart, was 1.7 miles one way, with 1000' of elevation gain, and took 49 minutes to summit. I have a couple of additional hikes I have found here on the Big Island that I like. One has 1200' of elevation gain in 2.2 miles and takes 53 minutes. Another has 1200' of elevation gain in 1.9 miles and takes 42 minutes.
Anyway, for months now, actually for more than a year, I have had difficulty finding the resolve and energy that I need to do this 1:50 or so roundtrip hike with 1200' of elevation gain. Instead, I have been doing the relatively flat hikes closer to my studio. At most it they are like 200' of elevation gain in 15 minutes, at which point I have to retrace my steps and then do it again. I lose all my momentum. My body sweats much less, and my existential resolve is not sufficiently challenged strengthened. The other lackluster walk has maybe 400' of elevation gain in 70 minutes, punctuated by long downhill or flat spells.
During this long period of physical atrophy, the succubus gained a greater foothold. Skipping forward to 2-3 weeks ago, unprecedented incursions into the center of my brain, eyes, frontal lobes, medulla, rib cage, lungs, et cetera took place. The amount of cognitive disruption was exceptional. I had never felt my eyes so besieged. When I laid down, I felt tension around my lungs and all about and inside the bottom of my rib cage. I would have to stretch and breathe to release it. My body and mind were losing ground rapidly to this etheric assault.
So it was and is with this week break, that I have redoubled my hiking efforts. I have done this 1000'+ climb in under an hour each day. The positive effects have been accumulating. When I laid down for sleep Wednesday night, I had five consecutive days of serious aerobic activity under my belt. My body pulsed with positive energy. The vibration or flow of energy came from the base of my spine. I was curled up in the fetal position and felt this small bliss in waves feeding positive energy throughout my body. This was preceded by a couple of hours of excellent focus and work unpacking and organizing my purchases earlier in the day. I prayed to God, thanking Him for lending this strength to my body. But Thursday and Friday afternoons and evenings, as well continuously since 2am today (it is now 11:30am) I have been under constant attack, with negative energy cycling here and there, sucking at my hip sockets, rib cage, brain stem, and so forth. The positive accrual I felt on Wednesday has been effectively siphoned off, preventing my forward momentum. I had an intuition and aspiration on Wednesday that my body would become so energized that it would convulse with joy and disgorge this parasite. On a cellular level, my body would crush this etheric interloper. I found myself wishing that I could have a schedule where I did nothing but hike and reflect. I would have to be retired for that, and that is still eight years off. It is my hope and belief that somehow my body's own innate etheric immune system could amass such force as to squeeze this girl's psychic extension out of me.
I don't know if I can manage the next eight years awaiting a time where I can address this matter of spiritual redemption more fully. Ultimately, even without the need to go to work each day, it is likely that I will require direct, massive intervention by the Holy Spirit. She showed up last summer and appeared to pass on saving me. In fact, she gave the succubus the tools needed to fully take me over and frustrate my deepmost functioning. So, though I remain hopeful, the future is uncertain. Most of me is not terribly worried. My mind and body know that they belong to God, and that this cruel master that dwells within me is but a temporary affair. I just hope not to be dead before this situation's conclusion.
So, I have hiked about 2 hours each day this week, which is something that I have not done in more than a year. There are probably a few causes feeding this massive and unprecedented slowdown in my health and metabolism. Of course, one source of this decay is the succubus' gaining greater access to me, and the energetic depletion that followed.
But I am concerned also with my now 3.5 years' exposure to a giant cell phone tower very close to my workplace. My skin has become rapidly crepey, and my hair has turned mostly white. It is like I am flashing out, like the many pine trees I saw in the mountains east of Los Angeles, due to chronic drought and chemtrail exposure.
It is due to my unaccountable blanching and the deepened control exerted by the succubus that I am hiking more intensively. As well, I am seeking transfer to a less EMF-exposed school.
It is definitely the case that the increased physical health brought about by this intensive exercise has helped weaken the succubus' grip. While definitely not gone, her attacks on me have been more moderate and contained. I am able to get some work done. I can live. But I continue to marvel at how much time and attention she is able to give to me to maintain her status of superiority within me. I continue to pray for a change in her duties, giving me the space I need to win my freedom.
The succubus caused a good couple of minutes of sharp pain in the left side of my heart muscle as I spoke with a prospective landlord on Wednesday. I dug into the area as I spoke, trying to release the stabbing etheric pressure there. I then went on to a terrific hike, masturbated in the car on the way to Costco and, once arrived, had a frozen latte that kept me flying for hours.
The last thing I wish to touch on is urination. Without serious exercise, I will get up to pee six times a night. But when I sweat intensely during the day, as I do in these intense workouts, I might get up just once or twice. Sweating lubricates and rejuvenates my skin. Plus, I think it spares my kidneys some of their work burden. It must be excess fluid in my lymphatic or circulatory system. Much of this fluid may skip the kidneys entirely. Whatever the reason, I know that it is good to be sweating again. So many people do not sweat regularly, which is a sad thing.
Also, Thursday night I had dinner at one of our few local eateries. There were three girls I believe from Italy, as I could hear them speaking a foreign language. They were early 20s and very fit and good looking. One took off her little jacket and started looking over at me, playing with her hair furiously. I didn't bite. First, I have a thing in me that I believe I have to get rid of before inviting another woman into my life. Second, don't all foreigners have to present proof of COVID vaccination to enter the US? (The Pfizer data dump revealed a concern with shedding and transmission of the mRNA technology via close contact, in particular sex, but not via that path alone.) I wanted to know why they came to the US, the great warmongering empire pushing this genocidal mRNA technology? What does that say about their judgment to even be here in the first place? Then, why this apparent bid for sexual contact when she did not even know me? I felt used already. Would I be some trophy fuck, to be placed in a ledger alongside her other travel conquests? And what about those phones they played with? Whatever it was, I took what remained of my overpriced meal and left. Sure, it would have been nice to open up in a way that I have not since 2001, but there were just too many downsides, in my opinion. But I definitely was feeling strong and fit after another one of my long and effortful hikes. Later that evening I reflected that if I were fully enlightened, and she had chosen me in this way, that we could have made love, but the impact of our lovemaking would have been so intense as to cause or necessitate one of us to relocate so as to continue the relationship. I imagined granting her US citizenship and marrying me; with me owning a nice large house appropriate for the pairing. But good luck with living in Hawaii on a teacher's salary!
2023.3.21. Tuesday, 6:45am. Weight 205.2. Day 29.
Though I had an IEP meeting till 4:30pm yesterday I was still able to get home, have the remainder of the previous day's salad, and make it to a more challenging hike than I had been doing the last several months after school. I went 37 minutes up, all fairly steep, sweating a good deal. This is what I need, at minimum. I broke through the lethargy and karma to get into a good pace and I felt very good as a retraced my steps coming back down.
I lay in bed awake at 2am. My K sound had returned after my first round of sleep at 10:30pm. So the girl was getting some real sleep, praise God. Anyway, for a good 90 minutes between 2am and 5am I lay there, feeling a subtle tautness growing in my body. It was mild but persistent. I even felt the beginning of a narrowing of focus targeting my heart. This is what I have been waiting for. I want and need for my body to take over and squeeze this girl, this poison, out of me.
She did respond with moderate disruption for an hour after I awoke, but it appears to be weakening.
I am hoping that my exercise and her own failings and karma will serve to force her to throw in the towel, give up or concede defeat within me. My body knows that my mind and it serve God, not this lesser phenomenon. God must provide for the healing grace of my body to win this contest.
Also, I had a dream, around 3am. I was lying in a bed that was up on a grassy hill overlooking the ocean. A broad white cloud came down and clung to the hill. There was just a narrow view of the ocean as the wide cloud moved slowly across the hill and surroundings. As it moved, several white funnels came down, creating waterspouts in the oceansand small tornadoes on the land. My eyes were closed and I felt a suction come over me. My brachial plexus energized with a subtle force that rotated within me. I felt myself being pulled up by my chest in traction to the ethers above it. I don't know if my body was actually going to lift or if this was more a subtle perception. As the amperage increased within my chest, I felt fear and awakened from the dream. I never had a dream like this before. I think it is auspicious. I am on the right path. May God continue to bless me. Amen.
2023.5.24. Wednesday, 5:50am. Weight 204.2. Day 94.
Review of various symptoms of etheric infestation, "possession," or subtle relationship gone bad.
I've gone through a tremendous amount the past few weeks, all pointing to a seeming ever deepening stranglehold over my body's functioning. It began with a sharp line coming down from my left armpit down the outside of my ribcage. This progressed to a variety of stabbing sensations aimed at tethering my ribcage to my hip bone. From pain and infestation at my upper hip, the energy migrated to the joint itself and on down through my knee and terminating at my right and left big toes. I went weeks with frequent numbing at both toes, and sometimes a wave of etheric suction that would leave the whole of my foot feeling prickly and lifeless. Then there was the night where pricks of pain sprung up in all my joints: shoulders, elbows, hips, knees, et cetera. There were several nights and days where most of my joints were swollen, popping and scraping whenever I moved them. I could have taken pictures but didn't, but my left knee was crazy swollen several times whenever she placed significant attention and energetic throughput in that joint. I had to be very careful when I went hiking as it was more susceptible to injury. It is crazy how obvious the swelling was in response to this etheric invasion.
There was one day when I was en route to the health food store after school, and as I over ate on something I picked up along the way, I felt an obnoxious turning of a large mass in my heart that, as I continued to eat without being hungry, became a shooting pain and anchor thrown down into my upper left hip bone, then pain in my left knee, then finally a pain in my left big toe, all occurring in a 20 minute span as I sat driving and eating in the car.
Lastly, for the past few days there has been a persistent painful anchoring in my upper outside hip bone, such that I cannot clear it from me with shaking or contracting, or at least I have been unsuccessful to this point. It hurts to walk or cause any vibration to this area. At least there is pain. I am concerned when my body no longer registers pain to this girl's molestations. I wish very much for my body to continue to be oriented toward health and to register disruptions to this.
Last night, I had a rare, but modest disruption to my immersion in the unconscious. My thoughts and perceptions were more clear than usual. I wondered whether this girl was finally taking root in my bone marrow. If this were an etheric, holistic cancer of my being, certainly my bone marrow would come under assault in its terminal phase. I wondered, might it be that this process of judgment results in a depth of infestation, a homeostasis if you will, where the girl is so deeply embedded in me that she no longer fears a quick response from Holy Spirit to save me? I mean, I rarely sense hunger these days, and I have little drive anymore to fast. Maybe this process will arrive at a place where she can start a new relationship with a real man in her world in California. And I can live as I have the past couple of weeks, being slightly more productive than usual, but seeing the world as if through a haze, a kind of a spiritual half-life. Is this the best that can be achieved here?
There is a beautiful and excellent possible mate who has moved in near to my studio on this property. But I wonder what complications or premature death could arise if I pursue her, especially with this biting sensation that attacks the interior of my heart muscle whenever I orgasm.
I think it was just two days ago, on Monday, that the succubus shocked my left arm a good FIFTY times during the day. It appeared to be repeated attempts to kill me, but my heart did not once express pain. The shocks were felt, variously, at my left shoulder, biceps, elbow, forearm, and wrist. This was in the morning and throughout the workday. It was crazy, because my job itself at school with the students and staff was going wonderfully well. It was such an odd and uncalled for juxtaposition: her intended death versus my actual life which is quite meritorious. I pray daily for God's Grace and Strength. Amen!
2023.5.30. Tuesday, 7am. Day 100. Weight 204.3.
I've been going to bed at 10pm or so and waking before 5am, and it's been okay. I have much on my mind with moving, prospective home purchase, etc. My left knee has been swollen and painful much of the time, but overall my energy has been less sapped than usual. I have been in an intense conscious fog periodically, but my thinking appears undisturbed. There was control much of the night. I awoke at 11pm to find a light but amplified heart beat along with a thin thread of pain connecting the left shoulder socket down through my left elbow and on down. The terminus may have been my wrist or fingers; I don't recall exactly. I immediately brought my extended arms together, crossing over at the wrists near my waist, extended, and then began some breathing exercises as I wriggled my shoulders. This caused the line to flare up in pain and then dissipate. It was the first time I had been aware of a conscious cord originating from the shoulder joint. I hate having my joints infested with her, because they become inflamed and weak, causing my bones to pop and scrape as I move about.
2023.6.6. Tuesday, 7:30am. Weight 203.4. Day 107.
Just quick overviews these days. I am cleaning my current studio rental, organizing my belongings, and packing my car for a long drive to a new location to live and teach for next school year. (Edit.)
Symptoms of late. (Edited.) Last night I masturbated. I fantasized in a series of false starts as I tried to interrupt the succubus' deep throbbing heart control and missed beats that grew more pronounced as my excitation grew. I would stop stimulating myself until I sensed her attention turn elsewhere or return to her half sleep at 11pm CA time. I quickly jerked myself to a strained orgasm. Per usual, there was zero effect on my brain. That link has been erased or diverted. Instead, it was my frontal line that was affected. I felt seven or eight strong contractions in my thymus gland. There was mild tension in my chest and solar plexus. I had no pleasure in any of this. It was just a mechanical release of tension. I didn't even feel much of anything in my heart apart from a series of succubus "nibbles" at the interior; but rather than match my contractions like they normally do, these were very small and happened after my own orgasmic contractions.
One great annoyance is the karmic, relational amplification and judgment of my eating habits. I tend to eat to a sense of fullness. This is a no no in health circles. It apparently remains a no no for battling a succubus. So I am on a long drive, (edit), to another living and work situation. I am in the process of moving. I am half way there and not hungry. But I am agitated or whatever and just want fullness in my stomach. So, I have a can of sardines. Then, for no good reason, I eat several handfuls of organic corn tortilla chips from Costco. I am still okay. But 20 minutes later, after a bathroom stop where I urinate, wash my spoon and bowl, and brush my teeth, I eat a 10oz package of Tasty Bites brand "Bombay Potatoes." Just two bites in I feel a sharp etheric needle pierce my rib cage to the left of my heart. I take another bite and the same thing happens. I didn't feel a fortification of her presence at my heart, but I assume that is what it was doing. I, being annoyed with being told "No," finish the package. I had nowhere to store it on the road, in any event. It seems to me that I am always warned if negative things are to happen. The succubus is a happy handmaiden to God in this respect. The problem is that I get like 25 etheric wrist slaps or full-on spankings for every one mild sensation of relief or progress in this ongoing spiritual test.
Nor can I have a bowel movement in privacy. If there is the slightest strain at the stool, the succubus causes my heart to race, with missed beats and explosions that worsen if I push or strain at all to void. This all ties to the gastrointestinal tract and the Holy Spirit's using my use and abuse of solid intakes as the metric by which to measure my fitness for support versus the succubus'. If I am defecating, I really do need to mask it. I try not to push at all, so that she is unaware of it. If I push with even a medium force, she is all over it. I do think that this occurs in the context of her not having many demands, if any, socially or professionally. She is an eighteen-year-old lay about, and can seize upon me whenever she desires it. I do feel this to be invasive. Her attention is unwanted and unwarranted. Am I destined to have a heart attack on the stool? I certainly hope not!
This control or energetic infection of my body leads to a sense of weakness that makes everything harder. These spires or etheric locks appear to be growing and are more resilient to disruption. I feel jabs of pain striking down into the center of my heels. I have never felt this before. I shook my body two days ago, feeling a large envelope of etheric tension around and below my heart, that tied into my hips, knees, and so forth. I was unable to weaken it sufficiently. Last night in bed, I think it was 1:30am and the succubus was half-asleep, but still keeping my heart bent to her will. Though her force in me was diminished by half, I felt despondent, almost hopeless. I contracted along my frontal line. I hardened my mind against her. I managed a weak subtle protest. But nothing came of it and now, at 11am the following morning, I have eaten to surfeit and am having difficulty even writing this much, which is a far cry from where I was a couple of years ago when my mind was capable of much deeper and prolonged analysis.
May God lead me out of this predicament. May He grant you the knowledge and peace that you seek. Amen.
2023.6.13. Tuesday, 6:40am. Weight 207.7. Day 114.
Last week the succubus let up for two days. I thought at the time that she had finally taken a job. I was feeling relatively energetic and clear. I still had her latching onto me during the night, but the control was much lighter than usual. It was at around 11am the second day that I felt her conscious presence for a while, limiting me, moving here and there, causing pain when and where she could. On the third and fourth days it was if her force within me had fallen off a cliff. I felt her attention and intention all day long, but the sound in my left ear, the force brought to bear to harm my knees, infest my hips and other joints, and bring pain to my heart and so forth and so on were maybe just 10% of the capacity that had become her norm of late.
The relief was most unexpected. Given her light connection to me during the night, and my determination that she was in need of actual sleep, rather than alerting to every half-movement within me in order to molest and disrupt, I thought an important occupational or social obligation had emerged.
I had just gotten through some weeks or months of this girl's increased invasive expansion into the depths of my body, causing exceptional pain and disruption in my joints especially. Threads of pain connected my shoulders to my hands, and my hips to my feet, that were associated with weakness and inflammation. The attacks on my knees -- and to a lesser extent, hips -- had become very troublesome. When walking my hip and knee joints would pop and scrape. It was apparent to me that the thread of negative energy moving through these areas triggered a physiologic inflammation that involved contractions of my muscles and possibly ligaments. I would have to stop and shake or contract this area or that. As her force within me grew stronger, so did the intractability of the inflammation and pain she caused. She pays most attention to my left knee. She knows that is one of my weaker links. If she takes that joint down, this sadhana of hiking of mine will come to an end.
Anyway, I had her full attention for two or three days straight, during which time I overate and sat too much, enabling her to claw back into me such that by yesterday the force of her disruption to my heart was nearly what it was before this dip in capacity.
Having said this, her ability to tap and disrupt my joints remains a notch or two below what she had achieved before. I had begged for God to intervene and disrupt her presence. Apart from that, I don't know what explains this small reduction in subtle punishment I am subject to.
I think it was on day two of her clawing back in, toward the end of the day, just before taking a break for a few hours, there was a rush and a fury of subtle energy that pummeled my solar plexus -- actually a small circle around my belly button, not my bindu point. It was painful, like little daggers repeatedly being flung at me. I had been driving for several hours. I squirmed and contracted my stomach muscles as she did this. I understood it to be an angry, frustrated outburst on her part.
Then there was yesterday when I was at the car dealership, getting new tires, having my brake and transmission fluids changed. I had not eaten much, just a locally grown organic heirloom papaya and two organic Fuji apples from Washington State. But after I ignored a couple of sustained, obnoxious "hunger" assaults on my esophagus near my thymus and thyroid glands, I felt a stimulation to the whole of the circumference of my stomach and then a wave of nausea. I ignored all that, but found myself overeating five or six hours later. Sometimes the karmic effects of the succubus challenges don't show themselves for several hours. A delayed response. I had brought my laptop along to do some work but was besieged cognitively cognitively the whole time. Sure, there was a cell tower just outside the dealer's lot, but this wall of frustration was not that. She had somehow enveloped my head and caused a near total disruption to higher thinking. I ended up wasting my time posting comments to a Substack article on geoterrorism, and ate my lunch early, though I was not hungry, rather than create or streamline information that I needed to do related to my ongoing move to a new school and home. My intuition told me just to wander about on foot, or sit vibing with this weight on me. I knew it was alien; and I knew it was for the most part hopeless for me to persist in creative efforts while being seized upon like this. I thought, "My goodness. The last time this girl had an honest distraction away from me was last Wednesday. It's Monday. When will she finally WORK?"
Today, there is not much to report but heart throbbing, noise in both ears, parasitic lesions at my solar plexus that took 60 situps to dislodge, and some crazy pain in the lower half of my back upon waking at 5am. Just what in the heck was she up to while I slept?
I cannot WAIT for her to have a job, or a boyfriend, a pregnancy, or preferably, all of the above. Amen.
2023.6.17. Saturday, 6:20am. Day 118 no drugs.
It was two days ago, Thursday in the afternoon, that I noted a small improvement in the clarity of the ringing in my ears. The static noise that the succubus had inserted some days earlier was letting up. It was at 1:00am Friday morning, or some time that night, that the healthy Kundalini ring tone had returned. I am not sure how long it had been smothered. It was certainly a few days, at least. Sometimes I grow despondent when this happens. I feel like I have lost, that God has given me up for dead. But no, once again I learned that a sliver of hope to reanimate this ailing body persists.
I am looking at some notes I take while I hike. Five days ago there were a few times as I ate that I experienced a shock to my left thigh, then left shoulder, then heart, in quick succession. These were all directed and amplified by an energy external to my physical body. There was a sharp, painful stab from outside me going into the top, midpoint of my left quadricep, followed by a shock to the interior of my left shoulder joint, then a sharp, etheric stab to my heart with all three areas being coordinated and drawn from to disable the heart. Luckily, and I thank God for this, my heart took the blow with aplomb and did not register one iota of pain. I know this protection and resilience can falter at any time. I am grateful for this support; but, as always, I want more.
It's coming up on two weeks since this girl was last fully distracted for almost two days. This is not a regular occurence, obviously. I am gainfully employed and fully focused on my material preservation and obligations. It was a Godsend to have her attention divided, even briefly. Was this a job? If so, did she quit already? Last night she painstakingly tapped and drained just about every succulent morsel of etheric energy within me, indicating that she still has NOTHING productive planned but attacking and frustrating me all day long.
I've looked over some of these entries of mine. Some appear short, but the took me three hours or longer to write and edit. This is what happens when a shortcircuiting cloud of negative energy envelopes you. I have occasional insights, but they aren't sustained. My mind quickly wants to distract itself and engage something else: folding laundry, eating, mindlessly scrolling through a politcal article, et cetera. The options to divide myself are endless.
I felt tension in my chest the other day, so I stood up, stiffened my back and arm muscles, and shook like I usually do. I felt negative etheric energy globbed onto my sino-atrial node. It was like a teapoon of subtle substance smothering this tiny spark. I remember when she first touched it over four years ago. The succubus was a nickel-sized consciousness moving about my body. I think it had just recently entered my heart, something that was painful to me and registered immediately as a drop in my energy level. Anyway, she reached over and touched the sino-atrial node and was met with a shock and immediately retracted herself. My energy burned her. It was too much to handle. But then, over time, she, or I, have adapted, and now she can glob onto to me and suck directly from this vital energetic source without problem.
2023.6.23. Friday, 10:20am. Day 124. Weight 203.7.
I went to bed last night feeling as if a lock of some kind had been established from my throat or the center of my brain down through my prostate gland. The whole thing was energetically locked. I did some kriyas and rapped on my sternum pretty hard and she barely stirred. My sense of subtle immobilization persisted. It felt like I was being choked. But rather than air or water not getting through, it was subtle energy. I was able to fall asleep, but there was a sense of wrongness and dis-ease that did not let up. I awoke two hours later, and remained alert for the next two hours. I resisted some by stretching my body here and there. But as I did this, she began to ping my joints: my ankles, big toes, knees, hips, shoulders, elbows and so forth, which resulted in pain and popping if a placed weight on them. It is still so strange to hear and feel all these joints "pop" when I move. The succubus causes inflammation and misalignment within them when her energy is directed there.
2023.6.26. Monday, 12 noon. Weight 207.4. Day 2 no pills.
SO much to say. Increasingly the use of my mind and body in any productive sense are hitting a wall within and about me. As soon as my hemispheres start to produce writing there is an extraordinary urge to orgasm, with a great weight and pull from my lower abdomen. When I take walks, not only am I hit with a sense of exhaustion and tiredness, but spikes of pain emerge in my shoulders, elbows, hips, and knees, as well as the usual stabs of pain that slice through my right and left big toes. When this etheric needle pierces my shoulder joints, it causes weakness in my biceps such that it is painful even to lift a five-pound barbell.
The succubus' infesting the joints marks a troubling milestone in the failed aspirant's downward spiral. My hope is that my condition is not yet terminal. My hope is that Deliverance and Grace are still available even at this dark place on my path.
I am six days into my new rental. I am slowly assembling and organizing my belongings, after their being boxed and shoved into a 20' U-Haul truck. I've had to buy two more six-foot-tall chrome racks to get everything off the floor and made accessible. Five hundred square feet of living space for an adult of my complexity and material needs only barely cuts it; and if this were to be a shared space, we'd need a few hundred square feet more, at minimum. I do love the constant breeze and the endless ocean views. It drops to 70º at night, but spikes to 80º by 10am, and 82º-84º by noon or early afternoon. I'd say it's 80º or higher eight hours per day. I would prefer high temperatures in the mid-70ºs. It beats where I lived the last 18 months where, due to the lack of breeze and the uninsulated roof, on a cloudless day it was 10º warmer inside than out, with temperatures that could be 92º-94º at my computer work station and a "no air conditioner allowed" provision written into the contract, on account, I presume, of the island's high electricity costs. It was grueling in that unit. It might not drop below 80º until 10pm. My completing two years of tax returns in there last summer, along with a 13-day water fast, was quite a feat. Too bad my efforts were insufficient to get rid of her. My new rental is not insulated either, but there is white paint on the roof, the ceiling is higher, it is less humid and, most importantly, I have a great breeze that swooshes through here 20 hours per day. If you like to hang dry your clothes as I do, this is paradise. I am proud of the fact that I have used an electric dryer but once in the past 32 years. :)
Why, after 124 days of no drug use, did I take a Trazodone three nights ago? Wednesday and Thursday there was a growing constriction along my frontal line, from prostate to pituitary. It was associated with an uncomfortable tension in my mind. This climaxed Friday night when, in an apparent fit of rage, the succubus latched on to a cord between my thymus and thyroid glands and throttled it. Whether this is part of the vaunted "amrit nadi," I cannot say, but etherically I was being choked out. This went on for a few minutes. My body and mind were in a state of shock. My mind was hyper tense. I figured I would do well to throw a smoke bomb in the house and get some needed rest. The Trazodone did this. There was only light heart control that kicked up five hours later.
It is now Tuesday. There was a lock on my solar plexus last night. My bindu point was literally infested with her energy, wrapping around the edges both inside and out. I had to shake hard and even then it was slow to dissipate. Yesterday, because I still have no landline or Internet at my rental (installation appointment not for another week), I was at the local public library for my Internet connection, and when I sat down, sometimes there would be an electrical shock at my bindu point, with pain spiking a foot or so in various directions.
A couple of times a week she appears to be distracted for a few hours. Is this all the work she is doing? She is able to jump back into me easily in the evening, indicating that she is not spending the night with anyone, nor sexually involved during her hours away. If she is not with a man, and there is no merging of bodies as occurs in coitus, could it be okay for her to exchange orgasms by stimulating a girlfriend? She did threaten me once with dating a girl when she was a freshman in high school. I am just wondering. I am thinking that her craving the digital stimulation from a friend would weaken her connection more to me than what I am seeing with her brief separations from me.
Morning attack today. Sustained hard BPM of 90-100 for a couple of hours.
2023.7.3. Monday, 10:30am. Weight 208.4. Day 9 no pills.
The last two mornings I tried to fast. Yesterday I even laid in bed for two hours hoping the hunger and ennui would pass, but it wouldn't. Today, too, there was an unshakeable pall that would not lift till I ate. In both cases I failed to last longer than an hour or two after first waking before eating. I am concerned that this girl is finally overpowering me.
This morning, when the pall finally lifted, I was then beset with a good dozen shocks to my heart. These were etheric bombs from within my heart that caused pain. Luckily, they lacked the level of force and pain that I imagine are possible for her. It seems that God's scale of justice still leaves some small room for me yet to live and petition the Holy Spirit.
What is really troubling is how I will stand at my computer, attempting to do the most minor of intellectual activities, and I will be blocked from doing so. It is indescribable, this frustration of my higher capacities. I know it is artificial because the pall will lift after I eat, when my thinking is cleared greatly, with the attacks shifting elsewhere within me.
The succubus' blanket of death-seeking energy has been attacking my testicles and vas deferens more and more. I got home last night after my 1:40 walk with 800 feet of elevation gain, and there was heaviness and almost pain in these areas. I knew it was her, so I should have shaken my torso hard to loosen her control, but I didn't. I proceeded to watch porn. When I orgasmed, she left a few bitemarks on the inside of my heart. What was equally concerning, is that as I brought myself to increased levels of excitement, switching from this image or video to that, she expanded her presence within me. I felt jabs of pain awaken and expand from points in my right and left knee joints, hip joints, shoulders, and elbows. I was throwing away the asceticism and virtue gathered from 100 minutes of exercise, and letting her tramp all through me.
My right ear, which has tended to be a stronghold for Kundalini, was compromised for a good two weeks. It started with a sharp spire of energy drawing a few painful circles around the ear; then, for the next two weeks, maintaining a sharp tap to the boney mass behind the ear. I would shake my head. I would squeeze my neck muscles and contract whatever I could as I brought my right shoulder up to the ear, but her grip was next to impossible to weaken. During this time the sound in my right ear that I call the Kundalini ring tone, or the protective sound maintained by Mother Shakti as evidence that I have earned mental -- if not bodily -- protection from God, was reduced by 80-90%. There were many times that it was hard to hear it at all. This was paired with succubus "noise" that had taken over my left ear completely, and an encroaching noise on my right. It was most unusual because in the past the succubus, this wounded spirit, could usually maintain a weakening for just two days at a time, whereupon when she finally was soundly asleep on day three, maybe by 3am or 4am my time, the K sound would burst forth fresh and unobstructed again in both ears. But not so now. And in the past she had never accomplished this through a direct tap to the boney mass of the ear. Anyways, for the past two nights I have had clarity in my ears and it's been a Godsend.
2023.7.4. Tuesday, 11:20am. Weight 206.2. Day 10 no pills.
Last night I stood too long at my computer. I felt pain spring up inside my right shoulder joint. I looked at some porn for five or ten minutes. As I became excited a felt a pulse or two within my heart. The pulse of her presence and foothold within me felt like it was 80% of the volume of my heart. I have never felt her so large before within me. Does this mean I am even less likely to break free from her grip? I did not masturbate and went to bed shortly after this stimulation, wondering, wistfully, since the throb in my heart was not overtly hostile, that possibly, quite possibly, we could be together. Maybe she would reach out to me. Who else would be an appropriate mother of my child? I am childless. This girl, this succubus, has touched my heart unlike any other woman can or likely will. Can God restructure this entire relationship? Must this be a death match? Might this girl have to forgive me first, and wish in her innermost being to share a life with me? Am I delusional or is this a possibility? I cannot say for sure.
The succubus used to be more concerned with causing me hunger to prevent me from moving forward. While she continues to engage in malicious stimulation of my esophagus, it is often more subtle now. Either she is gaining in her level of confidence in maintaining my subversion, or she is using a more holistic ennui and frustration throughout me to cause me to dive into food. I am standing here now at noon with popping joints and pain in my ankles, knees and shoulders. Staring at this computer screen is anti-life. It sets up a negative vibration through my eyes. If I am here too long, my body gets weak. The succubus contributes to that, amplifies this negative aspect. A few minutes ago, my whole brachial plexus erupted with tension and heat. I think it was just this girl playing around. It wasn't one third as intense as Kundalini can be, and it was not associated with greater mental clarity. A half hour later there is still tension there, but it is weaker. I actually don't know if it is the succubus or Kundalini. My money is on the girl. My mind continues to be stuck like a rat in a glue trap. Always in the past, when my thoughts were at all constipated, eating, exercising, and sexual release all would unblock me. There would be a price in doing so, but I could always get myself free again. "Get the chi moving," as they say. This is no longer the case. It is like my mind lives in the shadow of a malevolent, powerful force. Energetically, the heart is the greater organ of this important pair, the brain and the heart; and with the succubus now dominating my heart so completely, it is like a shadow or pall has been cast over me. I am concerned that this is the natural progression of my spiritual demise, in terms of a sequential, reverse Kundalini devolution. I am concerned that as long as this girl is sexually chaste, that even without too much effort, she can maintain my downward trend.
I came up with a variation on a heart kriya during my hike yesterday. Every couple of minutes on the forty-minute, 1.75 mile, 800' ascent I would slowly exhale as I lowered my extended arms. My hands or fingertips would be touching and down low near my prostate gland. I would hold my solar plexus taut as most of the air was released. Then I would hold it for five or ten seconds until I started breathing again in great, ravenous inhalations. As I held my front tight, I would feel tension at my heart and sino-atrial node, areas where the succubus lesion has taken hold. After several repetitions the tautness departed as well as the tap in my left hip that was causing my hip joint to pop and scrape when I walked. By the top of the hill my left hip was fine again.
Another succubus symptoms tidbit. This was a couple of days ago. It was early in the morning and it was cool in the house. I was doing some simple task. All of a sudden, I felt like my entire being was being buffeted by a subtle force. The longer it maintained the warmer I got, until my forehead was beading sweat, with some drops at my eyebrows falling to the floor. The odd thing is, is that I don't truly recall being "hot," per se. It was more like a pressure applied to my being. So it was pressure, not heat, that was applied to me. But my body reacted to this friction between my subtle body and the succubus', with sweat being all it could do to dissipate anything. The sweat didn't help. Luckily, the succubus was unable to maintain this pressure for long.
2023.7.7. Friday, 7:35am. Weight 204.1. Day 13.
I fasted yesterday for 19 hours, which was a huge accomplishment, given the headwinds I faced. There were numerous crawling hunger attacks on my esophagus by the thyroid and behind the thymus; strange etheric encirclings of my stomach; a bout of nausea; acid in the throat; and an exceptional ennui. Often these attacks were paired with a deep control beat. I spent about two hours on my side in my bed, doing various kriyas to reduce the force of the beats. My mind felt exceptionally unstable several times. It's not often that I say that I am susceptible to madness, but yesterday and this morning, I felt strangely disconnected from my world.
Anyway, there were some repairs and installations at my studio rental, and visits from my landlord couple to check on the propane stove, catchment tank, new phone and Internet service hookups, and my six glorious six-foot tall chrome wheeled storage racks from Costco that I use to keep my belongings organized, among other things. A handyman and me were invited to go up to the landlords' house to have some smoked pork sandwiches. I accepted. They were excellent, but there it is, I broke my fast on smoked pork butt.
Some interesting points to explore. I shouldn't have broken my fast. I was making headway against this etheric takeover. But I was exceptionally weak; all the commotion and interactions around me caused me to weaken further until there was almost a zero buffer energetically between me and my environment. There was a want for me to come and have a meal, and it was much easier just to say "Yes" and go up to the house and eat with the group.
Amazingly, the pain in my joints receded during the day and was 90% reduced that evening and the following morning. In fact, it wasn't until 24 hours after breaking the fast that I felt any conscious movement (and pain) within and extending from my joints. All I had the night after I had gone 19 hours without food was minor residual muscle weakness in areas that had been traumatized previously. My joints had not felt this good for well over a month. Seeing this, I wondered sadly, what a tedious, calculating shit show this all is. Why can't this girl and me be made whole? Why must my gain be her loss, or vice versa? We are not in this position because we have failed in any way, in my opinion. There must be another path. But who am I to question any of this?
Anyway, it is a day later now. I was very spaced out yesterday. The succubus clung to me like a cheap suit. I ran into a parent of a student of mine from long ago, and had an acupuncturist talk my ears off. He was clueless about why I have doubts about forced masking in schools and the Pfizer gene modification injections. And this guy is supposed to bring people into health? I did my best to inform him, but ran out of gas after an hour or so.
Yesterday noise was reintroduced into ears, but it was mild. The K sound was weaker. Overall I still had protection from my fasting tussle of 19 hours where I was being compelled to eat from 5am till 4pm when I finally did eat.
A school dream: I am sitting on a toilet that is situated right outside a classroom. A line of kids is streaming in, greeting me and another teacher I am working with. My pants are down around my ankles. My shirt hangs loosely at my thighs, though some of my rear end is exposed on my backside. A strange series of thoughts surround this situation. I am aware that no one else is going to the bathroom in public like this. I am aware that I could get in trouble for this, that public displays of this sort could get me fired, yet I continue to defecate, trying to pass this off as normal and acceptable, or at least with the hope that no one will call me on it or report me. This is just one of those dreams that I have on occasion where I feel uncomfortably exposed and vulnerable at work. There is a price that is paid in forcing oneself to fit into a workplace bureaucracy with so many minders and people on power trips. I reveal too much all the time. I encounter more conflict because I don't sink into the background, ever. Me and wallpaper don't mix. I am always challenging, inserting my questioning point of view into whatever is going on around me.
2023.7.9. Sunday, 7:22am. Weight 207.6. Day 15 no pills.
Yesterday I was bedridden from 4:30pm till about 7:00pm. It had been a real struggle all day long to get anything done. I had school paperwork to complete. I had to compile financial paperwork for my mother. And then there were two years of tax filings, for which the government owes me several thousands of dollars, that I need to complete. Despite my best effort, my mind was in a fog most of the day. Whatever pressure I was under doubled or tripled as I approached my hike starting time of 5:30pm. The succubus was in a great haste to have me cancel it.
Recently there were two times that I attempted a morning hike and was effectively shut down via this draining, throbbing heart control that she instigates.
It's the next day now. Last night I went to bed with little molestation. I rapped on my chest, did kriyas, and barely stirred her. Normally she will alert pretty quickly when I do this and start controlling my heart and so forth. During the night I had no overt control till 2am or so my time, and then it was muted, as if she was distracted. I was able to accomplish much more this morning than I usually do. But since noon or 1pm my ears and face have been getting hot, with spikes of etheric energy entering my torso and neck off and on. So, I am back in focus for her. Obviously, she had to get real sleep, rather than the half-awake Smaug (make one eye link) thing she does with me so that she can molest me every time I stir. Last night I was able to go to the bathroom without heart racing whenever I stood up. That in itself was a relief. As to what she was doing today, I cannot say. It still does not feel like she has a full-time job. I have had most of her attention since 3:00pm her time, so it is light duty work that she, if she has any at all.
2023.8.7. Monday, 6:20am. Weight 205.2. Day 14 no pills.
Unbelievable clusterfuck the past two weeks. I'll share a few representative scenarios.
There were a couple of days where for 5-8 hours straight I was held in exceptional traction with a strong control beat of my heart. The beat drained and paralyzed me, preventing me from engaging my mind in any productive way. There were regular off beats and explosions throughout the episodes. This resulted in my not having the energy to hike, write, or prepare for the start of the school year in any meaningful way. In fact, it is only this morning, for the first time in two weeks, that I have had the cognitive wherewithal to reflect on this matter without my cerebral cortex getting all gummed up.
Knife through hand. There periodic shocks going through my left foot, at or around my left big toe. So, I pulled the foot to my hand and started massaging the big toe, applying deep pressure at the base. Just moments after starting this, I felt a slicing etheric jab go through the top of my hand, down into the same wounded big toe. This was a first, showing conclusively that the energy was coming from outside of me, from beyond my own subtle energy envelope.
A few times, feeling energetically oppressed, I did a whole-body shake, including holding my legs out stiffly, one at a time, and shaking there, too, twisting my legs a bit to get at different angles for my knees and hips. While doing this I felt a thread of connection from invasive energy suffocating my sinoatrial node, extending down through my ribs, deep into my hips, and then on to my knees and feet. Her tap was extensive. The shaking disrupted it by 75% or so.
I looked at porn and immediately felt invasive energy push down through my rib cage and into my hips on both sides. I guess such thoughts give her license to scuttle this once blessed vehicle.
I've engaged in a lot of prayer lately, begging for release, cursing this girl in one way or another, asking God to revisit my sentence.
I have not been fasting. Rather, I've attempted to be moderate in my intake and exercise when I can. Will this be sufficient? It would be if her connection to me were weaker. I am praying for this girl's life to become complicated and her attention upon me divided.
There has been an extraordinary lower back and hip tap for the past week since the thrall a week ago Sunday. My back has been on fire, frozen with negative energy. I had to shake repeatedly. I've had significant pain just tying shoes. There has been a great deal of pain on the inside of my hips along the area of my lower abdomen, draining and siphoning my pooling of prana there. The pain is so great that I have to shake very subtly at first, then slowly work my torso into a frenzied exorcism.
A few times as I walk, I have felt a shock at the front of my hip. There is no joint there, just nerves. The shock extends down into my foot. It's initiated from outside my subtle envelope, in an effort to have me stop my exercise. I just walked through it and shook out my leg as much as I could.
There have been exceptional spikes of pain in my shoulders, with an associated weakness in my biceps at night as I sleep.
Twice there has been an explosion of negative energy in my body cavity at around 4:00am, resulting in the whole area of the back and front inside of my chest feeling exceptional pain. It's like an etheric bomb had gone off. It wears away after an hour or two of my being awake.
2023.8.8. 5:00am
I had a dream of fallen angels. There was a social gathering, like a cocktail party. There were a couple of dozen handsome people there. I didn't see any of them eating or drinking. They were in small groups talking. They were well to do, slender, mostly in peak condition in their 30s by appearances. There was some kind of disagreement in one of the groups, with a heated exchange. Children, ages 6-9, would be paraded singly through the room, en route to another room, every minute or two. These kids, mostly girls, were to be raped. As the child passed through the room, one of the shape shifting subtle demons would dematerialize and insert itself into the child, apparently to inhabit, control, and feed off the body and fear and pain of the child. The face of the child would occasionally take on the initial appearance of the demon and then revert to its child form again. I heard another fallen angel say, "Their bodies are only good for one use, then the charge is gone." Hence, I suppose, the long line of kids to be eaten to satisfy these insatiable soulless creatures, intent on their energy and emotion fix. I don't know if it was a demon or a human who would be the child's "partner" in the sex act. I've never had a dream of predatory, subtle beings before. Is this dream "real?" It might be. We would do well to act as if it were. We must take a stand against Evil. We must always do the right thing, to the best of our ability.
In the morning as I did my barbell work for 10 minutes, my heart raced to 120 BPM immediately, and I felt an etheric wind pummel me causing me to bead up sweat though these 10 barbells do not cause much exertion on my part. After the students went home shortly after 2:00pm, I was at my computer and my heart started to race again, and I became enervated and I had to lay down. This battle is debilitating and monotonous. May God help us all. Amen.
2023.10.8. Day 76. Sunday, 7:57am. Weight 207.1.
Succubus battle notes.
Since this astral body -- now succubus -- invasion of me four and a half years ago, this girl has nosed about my body like a rat trying to breach the cheese cellar. Being the subtly empowered prodigy that she is, she's been able to do a lot of damage, but here I am still, with mind and heart still functioning reasonably well. The force of her attacks while I lived 20 miles from her in California were four times greater than they are here in Hawaii. The chances are high that I would be dead by now had I remained.
Still, it's been, and continues to be, a learning process for her. She will attack this plexus, muscle, gland, brain region or that, and try to destroy me there. She will take this tack for a day or two, going full bore, and then, I suppose frustratedly, shift gears when she finds that nothing has "broken."
So it is that two areas have been under renewed and amplified attack this past week.
Esophagus. From stomach up to tonsils exceptional irritation, strongest in the hours after I wake up if I have not eaten. Or if she has time and energy on her hands, irritating me this way and that after a smaller meal where I did not overeat. Then there was this morning where she applied attention to making me feel sea sick by disturbing my stomach. This happened as I tried to do some barbell weights. My weight of 207.1 pounds this morning represents the gain of a few pounds this week, due to the ongoing stimulation and irritation of this region where there is a promise of cessation of irritation if I just eat again. But the peace always is shortlived.
This brings to mind some health problems people have that can be accessed or reproduced by a succubus. For example, I had an education assistant -- with quite an "irritable" disposition -- who suffered from acid reflux and had to sleep partially upright in a recliner rather than horizontally on a bed. The succubus is able to stimulate a similar acidification, whereby out of the blue an intense energy will come upon my stomach or throat, and acid will be generated, causing me to wish very greatly to wash it all down with food.
This eating business is a most critical matter in this ongoing battle, as my food intake is a measure of where my devotion or faith lies. Am I controlled and motivated by my material world? Or is it the etheric dimension that gives rise to the world? Stuffing my face -- even if at the insistence of a negative spirit -- indicates to God that I lack faith and resolve, and am hence unworthy of His Grace. Getting me to eat when I am not hungry and have no desire to eat is one of this girl's primary sadhanas. It keeps my salvation at bay, which is her inverted mission. If I refused God's Grace that fateful night, even if I feel that I was justified, then, God has ordained her to foil me, to the best of her ability, at every turn in my life's path. If it makes my salvation all the harder to achieve, so be it.
Also, whenever I eat, or after I've eaten to fullness, it presents a clear invitation to etheric attack. From the envelope of energy that she maintains around me, she will send a darting painful jab of etheric energy from outside my physical body into one or two of a variety of places: left scapula, fleshy area between left scapula and spine, rib cage near heart, right shoulder, left shoulder, left elbow, solar plexus bindu point, left knee, left big toe, and so forth and so on. I guess this serves as a reminder from God that I am erring in my intake. Though I find it obnoxious, it would behoove me to heed better this feedback that the succubus so generously offers.
The other area of attack has been my thymus gland and the region under my sternum. For two days this week there was a crushing subtle attack on the underside of the entire sternum, including my thymus gland. It was painful. I massaged the area and stretched my body in such a way as to pull on this region. It was a form of subtle asphyxiation. I felt miserable, and I probably ate more than I should have to help my chi move, but it seemed to result mostly in constipation on a variety of levels. But after two days, the pressure and choking lifted. My assumption is that the succubus learned that I could not be disabled or killed by such means, so she focused her energies elsewhere.
Now, for the past two days, my body's etheric load-bearing has been much lighter. The succubus still makes sure that I have sufficient antagonism to make it next to impossible fast (when I have so many intellectual tasks to attend to, and cannot afford to lay down for several hours weathering her energetic rages as I refuse to eat). But apart from that, I am able to be at least somewhat productive. But I can't say that I feel inspired in any way.
Also, the succubus is able to cause heart racing when I stand up from bed. I know this because it only happens when she is paying attention to me. If she is sleeping or distracted, I don't have any such symptoms, which I read are a real problem for some people less healthful than me.
That is it for now.
May God guide and save us all! Amen!
2023.10.11. 10:41am, Wednesday. Day 79. Weight 204.5.
The last few days have been especially brutal. But what else is new? An overview follows.
Sunday night I was plagued with 90BPM most of the night. And as I've noted hundreds of times, the harshness of the beats, and not just the rate, is very concerning. Everytime I awoke -- typically hourly when under attack -- I would lay in bed on my side for several minutes trying to contract along my frontal line to reduce her force and presence, with only modest success. The attack went from 8pm till about 3am my time, 11pm to 6am her time, indicating that she finally went to sleep (just for an hour or two; I guess she siphons off so much energy from me that she needs little in her material world to support her vampiric half life).
Heart racing and control beats persist through today, Wednesday, which marks a full three days of this escalation. Sometimes these assaults remind me of the succubus picture which depicts a succubus siphoning off so much energy from a Tibetan monk that he dies. I do believe that God has enabled such an outcome under certain conditions. But I find if totally annoying and distracting to have to divert my attention from my work duties and website blogging to lay down or focus on my frontal line for several minutes. Because, regardless of what this girl's own purpose is here, the effect of these attacks are to drain me and dilute my focus. So, way too much time is spent wrestling with her. I wish she could assume a small battery drain, say 5% or something, and let this situation run on autopilot, but it seems that God demands escalation and a final resolution to this evil marriage.
On Monday the succubus waxed in strength within me, sending barbs and gusts of toxic subtle energy throughout my body. It was such that the majority of my body felt pain, especially my torso. If you consider the body a balloon, then it was at the edges of the balloon where this unwanted pressure was felt the greatest. It was like an aching pain throughout me, but especially the periphery. Very interestingly, and I think this is a first for me, my body went into a very strong fever response Monday night, that continued, though reduced Tuesday night. I was sweating, I felt cold, I had to layer up though it was 80º. I went to bed with a shirt, cap, and lounge pants, with two sheets pulled over me, though it was 78º. My body shook uncontrollably off and on. I went to bed last night with extra clothes on, though it is still hot. I had a lot of night sweats, finding my sheets and pillows damp. To avoid triggering the need to refill my portable propane tank, last night was the first time I used the on-demand heat system. I was shaking with "cold" and did not want to shock my body with unheated water. I've been in this rental four months and this was the first time I have used the heated water.
So, all this is to say that my body used a fever response to deal with this etheric attack upon my body. My whole body felt considerable pain from each of these gusts and blasts within me. My limited immune system did the only thing it knew how to do, without the aid of Holy Spirit, which was to raise my body temperature and sweat. My forehead was burning up. These symptoms do have an overlap with the flu. But I need a higher order intervention, which has thus far been withheld from me.
It was clear to me on Monday that something was building. The power and force of these blasts was novel, certainly for my waking state. I think I was attacked several times this past May, during the night as I slept. But after I awoke, in a few hours my body would feel fine again and 99% of the pain would be gone. This is not the case now. The succubus seems stronger now, and is able overcome whatever protective barrier that my waking state affords me. All day long on Monday I would feel internal blasts to my shoulders, forehead, crown, rib cage and a tremendous focus on the base of my spinal cord and testicles. She just sat on those areas with a dull pain growing there that was nearly impossible to deal with.
In tandem with this internal havoc was an external one that seemed to be calibrating and reinforcing it. Dozens of times during the day I felt needles from outside my body drive into my joints, first piercing the skin, then going a bit deeper. There was an attempt to revive the pain tendrils in the joints that had been mostly dormant since my fast (or her sexual infidelity) three weeks ago. This effort resulted in my left hip, for the first time in three weeks, rubbing bone between femur and hip socket. This constriction and bone wear occurs when there is psychic infestation of the nerves or ligaments there, which in turn cause a contraction and tightening of my muscles and ligaments. It is on account of this etheric infestation and commandeering of my joints that I have not been able to walk with my long, loping strides that have characterized my walking patterns since June. I shuffled like an old man so as to avoid overstretching these tightened areas. So it was with tremendous relief that I could walk freely these past three weeks. Also, the pain in my bicep, that occurs when the etheric needle from within my right shoulder comes out of the joint and grounds itself in my bicep, was gone for three weeks but now is making a comeback.
Now it is noon on Wednesday Oct. 11. It is a little better than yesterday, and not the hell that Monday was. But there is pressure in me. This girl is taking some kind of inverted heart energy and using it to destroy me. So it's like an etheric autoimmune disorder. I coughed a little while ago felt pain throughout my brain. My entire brain hurt. And when I stood straight and held my chest forward, I felt a dull pain throughout my torso. I feel a dull pain in my ears. My legs and arms don't feel well either. I imagine that this girl is able to have this destructive energy seep throughout my body from within, using my heart, and somehow amplify her progress with the energetic envelope about me that she is somehow able to maintain.
May God help us all! Amen!
Every Cell in My Body (2024.1.14.)
I think I've written about this before. But I can't find it, and it is important, so I am going to make note of it again.
I am there in the school gym some twenty-five years ago. The class and staff are stretching. I think it's the butterfly stretch. The mom and now employee is to my left, maybe fifteen feet away. We are both facing the same direction, toward the far end of the gym. In other words, we are not looking at each other. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my whole body had an overwhelming urge to have sex with her. My toes wanted to have sex with her. My elbows. My ears. There was not a part of my body that did not convulse with the desire to merge with, to fuck, her.
Also, it was clear to me that this urge, this compulsion, came from outside of my own body. That is, it was directed externally.
Alright, I am open to new things. Obviously, this life of mine, of ours, is a learning experience. We are here to learn things. If we are lucky, we experience liberation. If we are exceptionally fortunate, we avoid physiologic death itself.
To be honest, I did not care for the feeling. It was overwhelming. It was like a drug. My life, my process, my access to the Divine did not create this sensation. It came from that girl fifteen feet away from me. This high was hers to grant and hers to withhold. It was not a safe mooring for spiritual identity.
I knew that the only way for me to be safe in the presence of such power and feeling was to become absolutely grounded in God-consciousness. Meaning, finding a permanent home to my consciousness in my heart and brachial plexus, with the profound feelings and power that just such a consciousness and developmental shift make possible.
How am I to conclude how such a whole-body sensation originates? How would this girl come to expect or believe that such a feeling was attractive and appropriate? If I can assume that her young partner, and the father of her children, was age 14 when they began to have sex; then I can also assume that she implanted within him the same astral body that came to be inside of me upon the sexual awakening of a similarly potentiated girl in California. Her astral body, having no supervisory or corrective presence of the Holy Spirit, took over the energetic functioning of this unawakened man completely. The result being that every cell in his body became oriented to her. She became his Magnetic North, his God. And hence, his sexual coupling with her became a literal immersion in God. Except that it wasn't. So, he became a drug addict, and her own spiritual aspirations became mired in the boredom that attends the absolute control of one's mate.
Lastly, in this brief recollection, I wish to point to this girl's rottenness. The blackness of her soul. I don't think such darkness is native to these girls. I believe they are human incarnations of the Holy Spirit. But these girls will only rise or be as good as the man they are with. Most men are spiritual duds. They are failures. They fail to meet the extraordinary demands and needs of such women. The astrally-empowered woman will rise to the same heights as her chosen mate does, but no higher. Hence the great gift -- and tragedy -- they present.
What I found with this young mother of two, a conclusion based on a variety of behavioral inputs and observations -- is that she came to become addicted to the subservience of her man. She had to have absolute control over him, or else she was not interested. The satisfaction she derived from her complete control was too satisfying to give up. She devolved to a place where she would serve no one but herself. She fed on him. She had no experience with the possibility of the Holy Spirit functioning fully through her chosen mate. I don't think such a consideration or possibility even arose in her imagination. She aspired to nothing more than some small, pathetic energetic feeding upon a limited vehicle absent the blessing of God. She had closed herself to the possibility of taking in the greatness of Creation with every inhalation. The possibility of incarnating unlimited transcendental energies was a door she had shut long ago. Such limitlessness of feeling and insight were now foreign -- and I am sad to say, opposed -- to her own perceived survival needs.
And all this is not to say that succubi are bad. They are spiritual powerhouses, fulfilling roles that God has laid out for them. As I have said before, succubi are God's wrecking crew for spiritual failures. You could say that this young mother's mate did not know what hit him. But was he innocent? I mean, did he use good judgment to have sex before his spiritual house was in order? No, he did not. As the saying goes, "Play stupid games, get stupid prizes." And what of me? Being blessed by God is attended by responsibilities. One, clearly, is to say "Yes" and submit when the Holy Spirit requires it. For two nights I rejected Holy Spirit's attempts to save me. The next day I felt the withdrawal of blessing, a kind of coldness replace what had been an active guardianship; then the following morning an inverted form of the astral body I booted three nights earlier came to inhabit me, seeking the destruction of my consciousness and, as quickly as she could achieve it, my physiologic death. But was/is the succubus "evil" or "malevolent" for doing this? No, not at all. God's withdrawal of Grace from my body gave her all the permission she needed to bring about my destruction. Just as God created vultures, maggots and bacteria to dissolve a body, God created succubi to dispense with spiritual aspirants who have proven unworthy, who have betrayed the Trust initially granted to them. Of course, I have my own personal issues with this, as they pertain to my own particular case, inasmuch as I said "No" due to heightened and potentially intolerable EMF conduction concerns with an activated brachial plexus, and perhaps there is some traction with these concerns, and hence I am still alive after nearly five years, but I will reserve those for another entry.
Succubus, Virginity, Cartoons (2024.1.16.)
This is a bit of an offbeat post for me, as I make a brief foray into current cultural products around this topic. I typed "succubus, virginity, cartoons" into search engines yesterday. Of course, most were gateways to pornography, but in any event, here is what I found.
My Succubus Girlfriend, Season 1 (*)
My Succubus Girlfriend says, "If I went back to Hell with no virgin soul, I'd be punished by Master Belzeebub." There is a lot to unpack here. LOL. One is the presumption that etheric energy originates in "Hell." I don't think Hell is a place. It's an intention. Do you wish harm on someone? Is such harm justified? If not, then perhaps your intention comes from "hell." Belzeebub or Satan here is black. Is black "bad"? No. It's just symbolic of an opposite, of nighttime, scary, mystery, the unknown. Satan is muscular. We know that God is great, because God created us, created this world. God created Belzeebub, too. It's not a defect. It's a feature. That is, Satan's existence is not a mistake. There is life, the Divine spark that is granted to us in Creation. And there is a death, which is more of a psyhological phenomenon, ultimately. The point of spirituality is to find the connection, the constant, that makes Life and Death equivalent. Bugs, rodents, bacteria, carrion fowl all have their role breaking down the material that had once been inspired. Where did that inspiration go? It returned to Holy Spirit, God, The One, That. Then there are the horns that Satan and the succubus share. So what is that? It's our animal bodies, our animal natures. You can either live your life two-dimensionally, using your life force repetively, with no intention to elevate and transcend and thus remain an "animal;" or you can use that same energy, ignite the Holy Spirit's blessing through supplication and austerities, and raise your "animal" or base nature to literally become one with God. One path is of an addiction to sex and control; the other is of submission to wonder and Grace. Grace is evident to anyone who sits still and introspects for long enough. Then there is that choker the girl is wearing, that I have heard is a referent to bondage and to underage girls who are caught up in sexual exploitation. What of the boy's pupilless eyes? Pupils are windows to the soul. So this means a physical form without a soul, which is, I guess, the succubus' goal. But it's a literary construct, because the boy would be dead without a soul. The soul is your energetic or subtle substrate. It cannot be removed while you are alive. Weakened, yes, but not completely withdrawn. So what is it that Belzeebub wants? It's your devotion, your self-assigned identity. He wants you to worship sex, death, materiality, and not the Divine Truth that informs these things. So the whole ruse of the succubus and her agency to her "Master" is just to get the spiritual aspirant to orient to her limited person and the pleasure that only she provides, and not to God who can provide so much more and who is the actual Source of Everything: the orgasm, the succubus, the sun, Satan, Holy Spirit, and the whole life-death continuum and psychic dilemma. The last thing is the business of virginity. Whether you are chaste or licentious matters. If you are driven by lust, it means that the underlying truth of this world is hidden from you, that you are avoiding an awareness of it, that you are willfully blinding yourself to the inherent Divinity of all beings and things. So the concept of virginity points to husbanding one's energy properly. But also, there is a subtle breakage and merging that occurs in the sexual act. Ayn Rand wrote that the person you sleep with is a representation of your highest moral values. I agree with that. Be discerning in this realm. Choose wisely. I don't know everything there is to know about subtle bodies and the mechanics thereof. There may have been some shifts in me when I had sex for the first time. I knew that I was overwhelmed by the feeling and that I was not prepared for it. But I had a brother accusing me of being gay, and I was 18 years old and I thought this behavior was expected of me, so I pushed along with it, even though it did not feel right. But I do suspect, from my experience in 2019, and which is the focus of my spiritual writings for the past 5 years, that for some women the difference between virgin and sexually mature is enormous in terms of spiritual capacity. For these girls/women, like the alien form that is released when its life force is disturbed in the 1979 cult film (*), a new form of subtle existence emerges from them. This girl, as a virgin, had a subtle projection that could fly around and visit, presumably, whoever she wanted. But even at age twelve, the point of all this was to find a mate. So she zeroed in on me and soldered a connection between us -- an etheric web or glue that only the Holy Spirit itself is strong enough to break. Driven I believe by the same instincts, she mated with another male at age fourteen, and within the week deposited her soul into me. The rest of that story is a now five-year consideration that I have attempted to describe in these pages. Anyways, virginity points to life force matters for both sexes, as well as the very special case for certain girls who possess subtle body projections capable of bonding with men within the men's own bodies. But even then, there is a saying that women always "hold a candle" to the man who took their virginity. Candle here represents life force, spiritual import, or at its most basic level, emotional feelings. So something is captured or permanently engraved upon a woman during their first sex act. I think this is a fact. These girls remain devoted to their "first man" in a way that no other man can quite achieve. In this sense, the screen shot is false, because the same is not quite true of the reverse. I don't think the boys' "soul" or spiritual focus is quite so readily moved by their fist sex partner as is the girls'.
Succubus casting spells on men with her love force. God has enabled these girls to be mini-Gods in their own right. Only a man rooted in true God consciousness can be unmoved in relations with them. While good works, humility, and so forth are essential components of "The Path," so is conducting and transmitting ever greater energy loads. From my earliest days I was after an energy high, but not just a temporary "high," but a permanent embodiment of that high. If God is the "Most High," then that is what I am talking about. But if you fall afoul on the spiritual path, you can enounter the other side of this succubus "love blast." It can be a blast of pain and hate, which are inversions or mirrors to that love. This is the case of my own story, at least at this point, although I pray every day that I will live to see the other side of this, before this body of mine is recycled. As mini-Kundalinis, human incarnations of Holy Spirit, these girls' activities always reference themselves. So her love is about her, unless it is has been transmuted through the implantation of her soul in a man worthy of her, a literal God Man. Then she submits herself to him in a completeness that no other woman is capable of. So what of those three guys in the second screen shot? Isn't it interesting that their faces and physical forms have lost all color. What does such powerful symbolism point to? Again, their souls cannot be removed at will, at least not while they live. What we see here is that their orientation to themselves and to the deeper dimension of reality that inspires them has been replaced by the external pull of a highly magnetic force -- the force wielded by the succubus girl. It is in the sense that the men are no longer directed by a higher aspiration and are instead drawn to the vaginal maw of a powerful female, that they have "lost" their souls. But they have not lost their souls; they have merely lost their way.
Christian, or spiritually-informed girl, sees the succubus for who she is: an energy form with loathsome intentions.
finish editing these virgin succubus pics and vids; check out screenshots on desktop
2019, created and animated by Skuddbutt, hosted at www.xtoons.art/
Four pics as screen shots.
I found "Succubus Meru urgently needs this kid's sperm (part 1)" with a reported 2.1 million views that describes an apparent high school aged girl become possessed by a succubus spirit who decides she needs her fix of male energy vis a vis sperm and seduces her neighbor -- another high school aged kid -- in a nighttime attack. She flies through the air, like a spirit entity, but has the red skin, horns, and forked tail ala kitsch images of the Biblical Satan. Her eyes light up with green light when possessed, another pointer to a subtle, heightened energy charge.
https://xtoons.art/video/succubus-meru-urgently-needs-this-kid-s-sperm-part-1-384041
full moon behind her, vampire fangs
Energy comes through midnight outside into girl's bedroom and possesses her.
Meru is the spirit of the succubus Merudiana, who lived 1100 years ago in northern Italy. She can possess and subjugate the body of any virgin and fulfill her depraved sexual desires. To maintain control over a girl's body, Meru must consume a sufficient amount of semen and so her nightly hunts are always successful
2024.2.18. Sunday, 2:54pm. Weight 209.4. Day 0.
Took one 50mg Trazodone tablet last night. So I made it 39 days. My brain had felt infested with negative energy the last several days, to varying degrees. But it was getting worse. Increasingly, these movements of energy were being sustained internally, with little need for support from the ethers about me. A very disconcerting sense of dislocated self-consciousness was growing within me. The barbs at my shoulders and hips, painful zaps and taps at my feet, and a feeling of hostile inflation in my chest, had metastasized to include a filling and increasingly suffocating impact upon my brain. My energy level and capacity to function cognitively had become more challenged. I believe that this takes a lot of effort on her part. It seems that she had maybe 4 hours on 3 days last week where her attention was elsewhere, during which time I had relative peace. But the rest of the time it was an etheric shitshow, with a conscious shadowing and undermining of everything I did. Last night as I laid down to sleep, I felt a pressure and weight upon my eyes and cheek bones, from within my brain. It was an etheric blob sapping my strength and spiritual wellness. I thought that I needed to send her a message to let her know that undermining my cognitive function -- filling up my brain and skull with negative energy -- was an intolerable and unacceptable insult. So, I quickly made the decision to get back up, go to the fridge, and take out a Trazodone pill. It had been over a month since the last pill. I was hoping to break 100 days again. But this transgression -- and degree of insult -- required a response. So I took the pill. I slept okay. There was reduced etheric stress upon my body and heart during the night. I slept okay. My arms, chest, back and legs registered only 20% of the pain they normally do during the night, normal meaning as of the last four months or so. My mouth was parched for several hours -- more than I usually experience after taking such a pill. I don't want popping ether-zapping pills like Trazodone to become a habit. I knew waking up that I should fast, but that resolve was very short-lived. Two grapefruit became several ounces of chocolate and macadamia nuts and then some soup, then a slice of pizza, and then more chocolate et cetera. Interestingly upon waking I had very strong tension in my neck and in between the upper part of my scapulars. It was a brain block. So, it was Kundalini helping me. Good. Finally. Too little, too late, but beggars can't complain. I will take it. Thank you.
My concern is that this girl's etheric presence within me is amassing strength and knowledge of my inner workings that will make it increasingly problematic and difficult for me to coexist with. That is my fear. My fear is that I will let down the students and people I work with. My fear is that I will be viewed as a failure or in some sense "insane" by them. I am not terribly worried about being unable to carry on the basics of my life; I just don't want this ineffectiveness -- this weaving in and out of functional "reality" -- to occur in the presence of people who are paying me a salary.
Yes, this succubus is increasingly able to pull energy from my extremities and torso to use against me, especially my brain. It's like an etheric battering ram she is forming. I hope she fails in this quest. I hope my own innate fortifications can stand up to this. I hope I can perform the prayers and austerities required of me at this time.
What I am recognizing here is just a negative reality -- a karmic outcome of decisions I made -- of rules put in place by God -- and so I'm facing these consequences. These are things I need to deal with and find resolution to, if I am able. I also had a lot of tension, pain and weakness in my thighs, calves, biceps, and shoulders for some hours during the day. It was painful to lift some barbells and to do sit-ups. It hurt more than usual; actually, much more than usual. Normally taking a pill like that would give me more respite than I've experienced today. It's obvious that this girl is not working today again. Nor does she have any productive engagements for her attention. So, I expect tonight to be hard.
When I ate yesterday I would feel pain flare up in my left toe sometimes the right toe -- maybe both. I forget. Also pain and etheric attack on my right ear and I am concerned again that this process is moving towards a conclusion that involves my death. A sapping of my strength that results in my death -- like that picture I have at my website of a so-called succubus literally sucking the life out of a Yogi. It's like that. Whoever made that picture or characterized that relationship knew something. I have doubts that fasting will yield the results that I seek. But I have no choice but to pursue that course of action because I know of little else to save myself. My last fast was around the first week of December. That is 2 1/2 months ago. That was the last time I lasted 3 days. I don't think I've described it properly because I have been I would say since October maybe I have been very compromised cognitively especially when it comes to introspection and revealing or discussing or contemplating what I'm going through. There's literally been a barrier erected -- some kind of barrier -- an energetic wall that makes it hard for me to discuss these things. But it was the morning 3 1/2 days in to my last fast -- at 4:00am or 5:00am -- when I am poised to eat, to break my fast, and I want to eat because I'm not in a position to fast three weeks or whatever. I'm working. I have a job. So I'm going to go 3 days and then eat for three days and then fast for three days again or that was the plan. Anyways I'm there at the sink looking at this orange that I have quartered. I'm holding a slice of it up to my mouth and the strangest thing happened from the vantage point or the position of about two inches in front of my forehead. It's a whisper. But it's not a whisper. It's a word without voice. It's a telecommunication of some sort and the word is "death," "death," "no." Meaning, "If you eat, you are inviting Death, the failure of your Path."
Now this succubus, this OCD 19 year old girl with nothing better to do at 6am on a random Friday, is, apparently, the ambassador of the Holy Spirit. Though she seeks to kill me, she is also empowered by God to remind me of the rules, though she breaks them many times herself. So that is her role.
If I don't fast. If I don't gain control over my body in terms of what I am filling my esophagus and stomach with 18 hours a day. If I don't get a better handle on that, then God will see fit to have my life come to a rapid conclusion. So she was not lying. I didn't appreciate the tone -- the angry, controlling, invasive tone to the communication. I bridled at that. I thought to myself, "It's my life. It's my body. It's my path. Fuck off succubus!" I thought to myself, "I've fasted three days. This has not been easy. I should have earned some credit for this. She can fuck off. I will fast again next week." What happened then was I ate the orange and then for the next three hours I had heart eruptions and the most extraordinary incursions into my brain of these needles, these fingers of hostile negative etheric energy, presumably arising from my heart, from my very own heart. I felt them just swirling around my right ear, my forehead, my eyes, my crown, and it was fucked. So that was unusual although I remember a time a couple of years ago. I think I had fasted 5 days during school and I think that Saturday, you know the next day, I was hit with heavy rapid heartbeats for like a dozen hours or something like that, like to teach me a lesson. This girl is definitely personally invested in my demise. It's personal.
You would think that fasting for five days would give you a layer of protection. I will say that when you're in a contest like I am it doesn't really seem to be the case or at least frequently and most often not. Yes three or four days into a fast your skin will glow.There will be some transcendent moments where you shine in your interactions with others. But at the end of that the succubus will hammer you. So here is what you need to know; and here is my own hope for myself. I am beaten down most of the time because I am eating most of the time. But I expect at some point the Holy Spirit will show up and will provide support in a novel and unexpected way. And guess what? A successful aspirant will not question that, will not doubt that, and will jump on that freedom train without a second thought; or during that very narrow window where that option, that door is held open to you, all I can say is, "I better be ready. I better be ready to jump. I better be ready to accept that help because my time is limited. My body is degraded. My brain is degraded. I do not have unlimited opportunities for emancipation. This life is short. This window is open only for a limited time." Trust in God. Period.
I wish you all the best of luck in your spiritual pursuits. May God guide us all. Amen!
2024.3.12. Tuesday, 7:18am. Weight 205.0. Day 6 no pills.
I feel pretty fried today. I have a growing discomfort in my body and mind. It took a good two hours to fall asleep last night. I almost took a Trazodone. This morning I have felt a shroud over me, making thought difficult. I am taking my seventh day off today from my bank of 18 days per year allotted for illness. This is to complete some paperwork that I was unable to finish this past weekend due to this etheric quagmire I was trapped in the bulk of my waking hours until 4pm-ish on Sunday when I am thinking she let off the gas due to the change in daylight savings, giving me an hour of relative freedom when I normally start my hike at 5pm, but instead it was 4pm and I could get a little bit done.
Symptoms. I broke my fast yesterday at about 11am, or about 12 hours in. I was not having difficulty managing the mild hunger pangs that occasionally arose. I broke it partly because I had been thinking about the three bean vegetarian chili on the lunch menu that I had been wanting, and the general blasé attitude I have developed about my prospects for breaking free. I find myself thinking daily about this girl's schedule and how ridiculously unencumbered it is. Her father must be footing nearly the entirety of her living expenses. As I've mentioned before, I don't think she is working more than 16 hours per week, with next to no social life. I spent hours this morning with an elevated, painful tension in my testicles, crown, and frontal lobes. Anyway, upon eating several things midday yesterday, I felt pressure build at my left scapula, then surround my heart within my ribcage, such that there was mild pain for a couple hours when I shifted my posture in any way that impacted my heart. I pretty much ignored it, or did my best to do so, with my stopping at a café after work for a latte with extra espresso, as well as a large sugar-filled pastry. The net result of these excesses and tribulations was that I was exhausted and did not go on a walk. My heart raced occasionally during the day, with a pronounced beat, but the main thing was the etheric assault vis-a-vis pressure. My leg veins look like hell. I am aging rapidly. There are two 18-19 year old new hires at the school, both of whom are decent looking and who I possibly could date, but I am simply not available. So it goes. I hope I get my work done today. May God bless all those among us who are worthy. Amen.
Also, most of yesterday and persisting most of the night, I had significant pain on the inside of my elbows and shoulder joints, with exceptional weakness in my biceps. Probably Trazodone would disrupt some of this, but I don't want to be reliant on drugs for this. I probably need to fast 2-4 days to get a reduction in negative etheric exposure equivalent to a 50mg dose.
2024.3.14. Thursday, 6:47am. 206.1. Took pill last night.
Went seven days without Trazodone. Pressure at base of skull and artificial tautness in my consciousness after going to bed. So I took a pill within 15 minutes of lights out. I was not interested in struggling for two hours, then taking a pill.
2024.3.15. Friday, 6:17am. 206.2. Day 1 no pills.
[For the past few weeks I've been using the text editor's speech-to-text function. The writing generated is not as focused, but at least I am speaking and not having to look at the screen so much.]
So this is what I want to say. Two nights ago I took a Trazodone early on -- maybe 8:15pm or even earlier than that. This was because of the knotted tension I had etherically at the tip of my spinal cord where it entered the brain. This girl was feasting in that area; and in so doing creating a block, strain and drain at the base of my medulla on both sides of the spine. This was intolerable. To varying degrees, it had been going on for a day or two and seemed to be getting worse. Also, although I didn't feel an influx of energy at my solar plexus shortly after laying down, I did feel some kind of a wash of tautness throughout me, and especially at my brain, all of a sudden, which indicated that I would have difficulty sleeping -- difficulty calming down -- and that this girl was up to no good very early on and was not interested in having me go to sleep. And so I brought out the heavy guns. I needed to stop this incursion. Now looking back on yesterday -- yesterday being the day after taking a pill -- I was depleted. I did not feel very good. There were still a variety of etheric shenanigans going on making it difficult for me to think, along with pressure on my heart, additional tensions here and there. Yes, and it definitely made it clear to me that taking a pill like this in an ongoing basis as my primary defense was not or is not or would not be a successful proposition, a successful intervention. The only way to earn respite in a manner that supports your physical well-being and your conscious vitality is to fast. I would say that probably three or four days of fasting is the equivalent of taking a single Trazodone pill. Or perhaps the equivalence of two or three days. Certainly multiple days. So that's the only way to really earn the freedom and space that Trazodone gives you is through fasting. This morning I have pressure behind my heart under my left scapula, and on both sides of my spine under my scapulas. There was pressure on this whole area, and it's been effective. This girl is mounting pressure upon my heart in a more significant manner.
I also feel pressure at the top of my nose between my eyebrows, as well as pressure elsewhere in my brain, indicating that unless I get my intake of food under control in a very significant manner, things will get significantly worse for me. Her etheric presence in me feeds somehow on the heat produced by excess food intake. Or at least she uses my food intake as a measure -- or permission vector -- by which she is allowed to take over more and more of my bodily functioning. So, a much reduced intake would yield reduced etheric fruits for her, or so this appears to me. I ate a lot yesterday. I had a combo plate of three different types of grilled fish, along with rice and macaroni potato salad. Basically, I binged. I also went on a walk and was fairly active; but I was in no way "free" yesterday. So it was maybe an hour after I fell asleep that I had one of the worst episodes or incursions of etheric control extending from both my shoulders down to my wrists and hands. There was pain and weakness in my arms. I had a sense of deadness and a lifting or removal of etheric energy from my feet. Also, there have been movements of tension going from my inner groin down through the inside of my thighs, then into my knees and on down to my feet. When I stick my fingers into the left side of my digestive system, below the rib cage, sometimes I feel a shock extending from groin to rib cage, as I disrupt a channel by which energy is lifted up and out of me. When I feel my wife-from-hell's extension down into my feet, especially my feet but sometimes my entire leg will experience a light to moderate drain, leaving my feet and legs tingly and occasionally numb. I have to shake out my limbs to reduce this numbness. Being awake or standing up help. The most numb was my left arm while I was asleep one time. The succubus does not have as much control or access when I am awake.
Yes, sometimes there's a big blob of etheric energy there sapping my digestive system, lifting off sustenance from my digestive process into this mechanism she utilizes for removing energy from me. And so how I addressed this was for probably 5 or 10 minutes I shook vigorously on the bed like a cockroach on its back bringing tension -- muscular contractions -- to my mid-back, lower back, upper back, arms, legs, and also digging in with my hands into my GI tract where I felt some shocks as I released her grip in the area. And then, praise God, for the most part I was unmolested for the next five or six hours. Maybe there was one episode of heart control that I collapsed my chest against and and was able to reduce. That's all I want to say today. I'm hoping to fast soon -- reduce my food intake -- and reduce the etheric presence that seems to be growing within me -- this inverted ether.
I wish everyone a good day. May God light and bless your path. Amen.
2024.3.18. Monday, 11:23am. Weight 207.2. Day 4 no pills.
Okay. I am using the speech to text function here in this text editing software. I've been doing this for the last couple of weeks. What I've noticed over the last month or so is an increased takeover of my body and mind. More often now I feel energy throughout my brain elsewhere in my body pushing here and there, always in an effort to grow and expand and further itself within me. It is like a seed that is growing and it has its own developmental process and logic and divine purpose. My hope remains that this girl becomes increasingly distracted and that without her constant attention, nurturing, and furtherance of this destructive process within me, that her takeover will falter, and that these etheric negative etheric barbs will lose traction. That is my hope. So what I'll say right now is just a few things that illustrate things that are new, or perceptions that are noteworthy relative to my past experiences on this path.
A big focus right now is pain at my deltoids and an associated weakness that extends to my hands. For example, yesterday on my hike to a nearby beach, there were a number of mild etheric attacks upon three or four spots in my abdomen, in my back, and at my right deltoid. I say that it's the shoulder, but it's the outer part facing away from me -- that fleshy muscle part of your shoulder that I felt a thumb of pain go into a few times. So I felt some focus from her. There's a three hour difference between here and California time-wise, and so I went back to bed at around 4:00 AM and in the next hour she had a achieved a numbness in my right thumb and in my index finger and part of my middle finger. That's the most numbness that she's achieved in those areas. And it corresponds to a hijacking or co-opting of my torso which is a big priority for her.
Yesterday on my hike I had a couple of moments where I was feeling happy and giddy. Immediately following that, I felt an interrupting negative energy go up and wash into my crown area, bringing pain and deadness to the area. And just a note that all these upward movements are the opposite of the Divine Descent of Shakti. No, it's not that at all. It's the polar opposite of the descending force and all these downward manifestations of grounding and peace and connection that I had prior to this girl's involving herself with my etheric body and spiritual development. In sum, it's an evil springing forth from my heart.
I am not proud to say this but I made the decision a few days ago to take a Trazodone pill; primarily on account of a tension that I felt throughout me that made it hard to sleep. There was also a feasting of this harmful energy at the tip of my spinal cord where it enters or connects to my brain. And I just didn't want to have that. You know, I wanted to do everything I can to let her know that she cannot fuck around in me and that I have to draw a line somewhere, somehow. But the next day I did not feel the freedom that I had hoped for. Rather I felt diminished. Yes, that pretty much sums up how I felt. I felt a lowering of my vibration. Even now, with my being in my third day of Spring break, I just don't feel well. It seems that my higher functioning is undermined by her more than ever. I'm certainly not able to bring together -- to synthesize -- my insights in the helpful and transformative way that I was previously. It seems that my voice -- these insights -- are increasingly co-opted and dominated by this negative presence. The last couple of days whenever my mind started to work at a higher level, I felt almost an overwhelming tap and blockage at the base of my spine that corresponded to a nearly impossible to ignore tension at my testicles. It was painful. And it led to my masturbating on Saturday, so two days ago. I did not have a particularly strong desire to orgasm but it was her mounting of pressure and irritation in my gonads that made me choose to deplete myself further. So I wonder is she a lesbian now? Does she not have longing for the physical body of a mate? When will she give me more respite? These are questions that I have.
Okay. A few more manifestations. It was Saturday about an hour after my orgasm. I was lying down. Maybe on my back. But I'm not normally on my back because I'm more vulnerable on my back. I normally lie on my side to protect my frontal line but anyways I felt my brachial plexus light up. It wasn't pain but it wasn't love that is for sure. It was just a foreign etheric presence moving into these wholly conductive pathways for God consciousness. The filling was brief. I don't remember if it was 3 or 4 lines spreading out across my chest from my midline around my thymus and sternum but it lit up and then it passed. I am certain that it was the succubus, this unholy ghost forcing its way within me. There is a blob of energy within me that waxes and wanes. She pushes it around and it does what it does. So I don't think it was her external aspect that plowed into them, but rather this internal movement of energy that was pushed into my brachial plexus. But the intensity was unusual, and had never happened before, at least not like this.
Also, this past Friday or Thursday night (I may have already written about this before) but it was an hour after going to sleep when I awoke to a tremendous tension in my groin and inner thighs. In my arms I felt pain and tightness. I had to shake myself like a cockroach lying on its back with arms and legs flailing. With jerking motions I caused disruption in my torso and she lost her control of me. I'm happy she didn't devote all night to subduing me. I guess I'm thankful for that. That's about it. I've made some very half assed attempts to fast, but they normally don't last more than an hour or two after waking, at which point I break down and eat again. Still, I'm hoping to get in a few days worth of fasting during this break of mine.
On a more mundane note, I'm running numbers, determining the optimal time I should start receiving my monthly retirement from the California teacher system. I could have started four years ago at age 55, but pay increases with each year I wait, with the age factor maxing out at age 63. If I wait four years I will earn 25% more. But real inflation is higher than 6% annually, so it's a tricky decision to make. CalSTRS provides about a 2% raise to your payout on a yearly basis (based on your starting payment, and not rising from there), so that reduces the benefit of waiting. Also, I intend to buy a home soon, and I will need as much income as possible to qualify for a mortgage and comfortably make the mortgage payment; so maybe I should take that money sooner.
Though I am 59 years old I'm still relatively healthy and good looking. In this economically challenged area, the fact that I have a solid $105,000 per year income from the state of Hawaii and a $30K- $35K per year additional income from my California retirement (depending on when I want to begin taking it), I am a desired item for quite a few women young and old. I have no kids and part of me would like to have a family, though dealing with this inner contest within me is basically making my life impossible to move forward with someone else interpersonally and sexually. While I am compromised with this etheric presence it takes me two or three times as long to complete essential work-related paperwork. So my personal time -- my weekends and days off -- are unconscionably limited and consumed with schoolwork. This would provide a barrier and a source of constant irritation to any mate I take on, as well as be a disservice to the children we have or could have together. So, I just don't really know what I should do. If I'm going to have a family, I should move forward very soon and and act upon it. Otherwise, I'll stay in this five-years-long and growing spiritual stalemate of constant harassment; and then perhaps at least I won't have to take my retirement sooner because I won't have another mouth to feed. I don't really know overall what I'm going to do. That's about it. Wishing everyone an enlightening, exciting and learning-filled journey here in this world. May you find God and all that you seek. Amen.
8:30pm. As my left scapula area, the outer edges of it, begin to twitch I'm reminded that in the last four days or so there's been a lot of nervous twitches of my left scapula area as well as sometimes at my left pectoral muscle. What I'm taking this to be indicative of is an overstimulation and overexertion etherically of my muscles in these areas by this negative etheric force that is my body is reacting to with this kind of hyper-stressed twitching response. At least that's my take on it. Today there have been a couple of attempts to weaken and reach my wrists, including the fingers of my right hand. The succubus has been relatively successful in terms of draining energy and getting a lightness in these extremity areas, but it was never as bad as it was early this morning while I was sleeping. At some point today, I am not sure when, but I think it was just before she tried to mount additional attacks upon me, that Kundalini stepped in and produced a block in my vertebra just above my thymus gland. It was pretty painful. I've had these before. They are like a slipped disc, with the net effect of greatly reducing my body's capacity to channel energy and, in this case, negative inverted heart energy. So my body, or Mother Shakti, has decided to keep me alive another day. I desperately need the help because this girl's etheric projection has become increasingly autonomous and powerful within me. I think this area behind my thymus gland is also a fulcrum point by which the succubus is able to marshall and direct energy to overcome my arms because especially my right hand and thumb have become quite weak, especially as I get close to bedtime, and she's all revved up ready to fuck with me in a major way tonight. So I am happy that Kundalini is assisting me in moderating or reducing the force that is available to this girl. That's all I want to say right now. Good luck everyone. Have a good night.
2024.3.19. Tuesday, 10:56am. Weight 206.6. Day 5 no pills.
6:18pm. Last night was the closest I've come to physical death since I left California. What is happening is the following. There is an ongoing attempt to tap my hips, extending downward to drain energy also from my feet. This action corresponds to these painful points at my deltoids. The succubus checks them regularly with jabs from outside of me going into my shoulders. Every few hours there will be a sharp penetration of the deltoid muscle. It's painful, but apparently it's required in order for her to maintain access to my biceps, forearms and thumbs, causing pain and weakness throughout my arms. I figure that a loss for me is a gain for her. She must look so full of life during this ongoing period of energetic enslavement. I do greatly hope to break free sooner rather than later.
What I've observed the last couple of weeks is an increased ability to draw energy from my extremities. This climaxed -- reaching a new level of insufferability and danger -- this past Thursday and Friday, during which time I had ongoing pain in my biceps and difficulty thinking. Then it was Thursday or Friday morning before I went to school when I had an involuntary twitching or small muscular spasm near my heart that only got worse on Saturday. It was the worst last night with strong twitching of my left scapula area as well as the front of my left pectoral muscle. It reflected an etheric overcharge -- a nervous muscular triggering by a greater etheric force. It was literally a snapping of my muscles and sinews, instigated by some unseen force. I had an exceptionally difficult time mitigating this ongoing attack upon my heart that did not end till 2:00 or 3:00am. I leaned over on my left elbow and felt a mild pain throughout the left side of my chest. The pain encapsulated my heart, being about one foot long and eight inches deep. Whatever it was, it was the whole area encircling my heart, and the whole area registered pain. My intuition tells me that the succubus is using all the energy that she can amass within and about my body to subvert its energetic defenses. To overwhelm in a permanent manner my very life force itself. And so this pain I expect will continue and grow if I am not able to moderate my food intake and live more righteously.
I am certain that if my behavior is judged profligate in any way that this energetic vice will grow and that my heart muscle will fail. And so it was maybe just an hour ago -- because right now it is 6:25pm and I'm not looking forward to going to bed tonight, but it is what it is -- I felt some twitching in my left scapula area on the outside of my scapula towards my armpit. I responded by tightening my back muscles, just as I did for hours last night. It was exhausting, but it seems to have helped. But she's coming back for more. She wants to finish the job during this spring break. I have been wholly unable to fast. I've been an absolute failure as a yogi. I have been unable to moderate my food intake. I've been gluttonous. I've awakened the last several mornings with my upper back feeling weak and in pain, telltale signs of succubus attacks on my heart region.
Despite her bodily attacks -- her invasion (and inversion) of psychic energy -- my terribly destructive mate has, of late, not bothered my mind. I've been able to sleep. But I have needed an extra hour of sleep because so much of my energy, that is intended to rejuvenate me, is being diverted to her own antagonistic objectives.
But anyway, that's all I want to report here: that I could very well be on the eve of my death. I know that I have cried wolf many times before. But given the urgency and the persistence of the succubus' seeking to dominate my extremities and extract energy from them, all of that must point to or lead to a furtherance of her intention to break through and free of me. My body is a prison to her; my death is her deliverance.
Yesterday around noon was the first time in several months that I had a kundalini manifestation. It was at my spinal cord midpoint between the thyroid and thymus glands. It is what I call a block. It's an area of significant pain. It now seems to have extended two or three vertebra beyond the initial point. It's weaker than it was yesterday, but it still hurts. I think my body's attempts to protect itself are weakening. This defensive gesture -- of creating a spasm at a critical energy point -- to reduce the energy available to the succubus to attack my heart, should have lasted a good three days, as previous kundalini supports typically have.
Given the volume of food and the quality or lack thereof -- you know the cheese, the chocolate, these dead things that I have eaten today, in addition to some healthier things -- all of this points to a general weakening in my physical vehicle. I am having a harder time maintaining a spiritual focus, or even a spiritual glance. I'm not clinging to the ethers. I'm clinging to my body -- and its physical inputs -- which is a death sentence. It's my admission or confession of weakness and resulting spiritual disfavor. So, again, I could die tomorrow, so I should probably upload this swan song. This pointing to the finality or the final moments of what they're like. Again it's this kernel of consciousness in your heart that doesn't belong there; but it amasses greater power, inverting the energy present in you. It draws from your extremities. It draws from wherever it can. If you're not up to the challenge, or you have failed certain tests, the Holy Spirit will throw you to the wolves. The result of this will be the failure of your own heart.
I've had succubus shocks through my chest before: when I've moved a certain way or touched areas near my heart near and around my heart with a pressure from my fingers or palms. But this seems more global, more developmental, and more final in in nature. If my life is to be ended then it seems logical that it will be ended this way. I have felt in the past that my heart has had a layer of protection around it. I've had some protection from all of her shenanigans, from all of her poisonous intentions. But I feel that that barrier -- that protection, that blessing -- is being removed or overcome through her efforts.
And that's it. If I die this is the way, it'll be some form of heart attack through a massive electrical failure brought about by a succubus employing overwhelming force, a force that is my own energy largely turned against me. Aided by the etheric cloud of her own energy that functions like a straightjacket over my own. May you fare better than me. May you win God's favor. Over and out.
Recap (2024.7.6.): The involuntary twitching was the result of an electric or etheric overcharge of my heart region. Excess energy, that could not be conducted through existing pathways, was reflexively repulsed or "flicked." It is a dangerous matter. What if the overcharge cannot be repulsed? Would my heart fail? The Kundalini "manifestation" was a "block," a painful wedge between me and her. It was temporary; but it lasted long enough for the succubus to get the message: your victory over this man will not be allowed in this manner. She got the message, more or less, and has engaged other strategies -- more of a slow roast of my bodymind -- since then.
2024.7.6. Saturday, 9:35am. Weight 206.4. Day 63 no pills.
Some aspects of a succubus invasion resemble cancer. I had a lipoma (benign fat cell tumor) removed ten years ago from my upper back. It was an inch in diameter, with several tentacles extending outward from it. The doctor had to make sure that the tentacles were entirely removed. The surgery was successful and there has been no recurrence. I have had several perceptions of tentacles extending out from the heart and driving down into my hips, shoulders, and deeper down my arms and legs. One time, I felt an etheric coil wrapped around my heart muscle that was tied to my left upper hip region. It was actually wrapped two times around the heart, like a hangman's rope! It was only through some deep stretches of my chest and stomach that I was able to weaken her grip. She responded with a couple of strong shocks that coursed through the established line or tap, in an attempt to short-circuit my heart, using my own innate energy system, no less, but was not successful in killing me. Praise God! I don't know how accurate the analogy is, but the succubus anchor in my heart feels like a cancer growth with tentacles reaching into the rest of my body. She is seeking to coopt every part of me. My hope is that, as my health and aspirational force weakens, that she will not be able to orchestrate my physiologic death in one final great symphony of etheric usurpation. But that is her aim, and it appears to be God's chosen path for her. For example, this morning I find myself binging on sweets, which has invited painful, moving downward thrusts into the outside of my right ankle and the inside of my left ankle. Earlier today there were similar jabs going down the inside of my wrists. With now close to a month of energetic deadness in my groin, I spent a good couple of hours yesterday releasing a painful tension along my pelvic bone beneath my descending colon, that was connected to my upper left hip, left testicle, prostate and vas deferens. As I worked this area, pressing down on the upper left pelvic bone, I felt a shock in my heart as, I presume, the flow of energy to her was disrupted. Later in the morning, as I laid down for like the eighth time due to brain fog and other disruptions to my productivity, I felt hostile energy come up from my left testicle and through the vas deferens connecting to the prostate. This was the succubus reestablishing her control and tap.
I was under much pressure most of the day yesterday. I finally ate at 4pm, lasting just 20 hours, with a great loss of time and energy throughout the day as I laid down to let the storms of tension in my esophagus and mind pass. I need to have a two week fast this summer, but my window for achieving this is closing fast.
Yesterday morning I awoke to pain in my upper back, a broad swath of muscle tissue on either side of my spine. This is one of the tell-tale signs of etheric abuse when I am sleeping. So, before I got out of bed, I arched my back and tightened all my muscles in this area. The succubus responded with two tendrils of energy that arched through my brain to do a quick zig zag of pain and depletion to my frontal lobes. Yes, the gray matter under my skull was directly and intentionally zapped. She wants to kill or deaden any part of me that resists her.
Also, and I believe I have shared this before, I continue to feel waves of negative ethers move over my physical body, triggering pain wherever she focuses her attention. Wherever I might have experienced pain naturally, she will move over that area and trigger that pain anew. She will cause pain in two teeth on the left side of my mouth. Then that will stop and she will focus on my left knee. Then that will stop and she will then cause pain to sensitive areas of my feet that cause occasional pain when I hike. She'll find other, new areas to cause pain as well. Then, wash and repeat the cycle of pain. It is methodical and intentional. A woman's hate knows no bounds, even for the astrally empowered.
2024.7.11. Thursday, 7:09am. Weight? Day 68.
No ability to fast with Mom here the past few weeks.
What has been happening is a greater attack on my right heel, big toes, and outer edges of my feet making exercise painful. I know that many people suffer from peripheral neuropathy, and I have had my own bouts with neuropathy-like symptoms, especially when spending extended periods of time in high EMF areas, pre-succubus days. Whatever the case, the succubus makes every negative thing going on inside me worse. I can't say it more plainly than that. While there is a gradual deterioration of my health simply by this girl's prolonged antagonistic presence within me, my symptoms are especially bad when she is focused upon me in an active manner. She can sustain this for 6, 12, 18, or more hours per day. In the rare instance when I have only a sliver of her attentional bandwidth I can walk and exercise without pain and can accomplish quite a bit. But this might just be 6 hours once or twice a week. The rest of the time it is pretty much an uphill slog.
Symptoms of late. Frequent spinal taps that present as a broad, painful tightness across my entire lower back. To counteract this I have to lay down and bring my knees to my chest in different ways so as to stretch the muscles of the lower back. Or I will squat in a standing position bringing my buttocks down to my ankles with feet flat on the floor, shifting my weight around, providing additional stretching to the lower back. All of this helps to reduce the succubus' tap and disruption to this area. There will also be intense taps at the very tip of my femur at its intersection with my hip joint. I will have to hold my knee(s) close to my chest and manipulate the position of the femur this way and that, to release the succubus tension that is draining the life force that passes through or pools in this area. I imagine that being an advanced yoga practitioner would help in this situation. As it is, my physical body is quite tight and not at all limber; the opposite, I would say, of my emotional body, which can do the "splits" and hold my emotional "ankles" in a backwards back bend. :)
As usual, eating too much, or having too many sweets, continues to be an invocation to succubus activity. This can result in a solid six-hour-long heart-thrash-fest, as was the case three nights ago. Such punishments must result in a shortened lifespan. Oh well.
I am wondering about where this infestation goes if I present little challenge to her otherwise and apparent inexorable takeover. The pain in my feet yesterday, especially during my hike, was the most durable and obnoxious that it has ever been. I tend to hike late in the day so as to reduce my chances of sunburn; but this also happens to be when the succubus is almost always available to apply her full attention to me; in this case, making whatever small amount of pain might arise in my feet that much worse.
Anyway, I wonder how deeply rooted she will become throughout the body and whether fasting as a method of purification -- of de-succubizing --will weaken in effectiveness over time. I am wondering whether my body itself will come not to recognize this girl's presence with the pain and tightness that it currently registers. I am wondering whether I will come to a place where I can neither think nor be. I must be able to continue my work as a teacher. I am not in a position financially to stop working. I also wonder, as delusional as it may sound, whether it is or ever will be possible to rehabilitate our relationship. Can this negativity be made positive? And if so, what might be the path forward to such a resolution?
That is it for now. Heading to Volcano National Park today with my mother. May God light your path and grant you the wisdom and resolution that you seek. Amen.
How The First Astrally Empowered Girl (that I was aware of) Could Not Reach Me (2024.10.6.)
My first contact with an astrally empowered girl was about 25 years ago. She was a 23-year-old mother of two. She was able to generate extraordinary sensations when I was in the immediate vicinity of her physical body. For example, heat or intensity in my chest, and a craving for sex from just about every cell in my body, from my ears and elbows, to my toes.
However, I never had even the slightest sensation from her while I was at home or away from school. I strongly believe that this was on account of her not being able to contact me when I left her presence. Given how much she appeared to be on a mission to have my existence orient and be subordinate to hers, I have no doubt she would have touched (or enticed) me from at a distance had she been able to.
The theory I have developed to explain my experience is that these women: are relatively rare; are made by God to be the soul mates (or destroyers) of would be God men; are made to deposit their souls (or an essential element of their spiritual identity) into their mates either immediately or within a few days of sexual maturity (i.e., their first act of sexual intercourse); and, which is the point of this short post, limit their astral travels only to the man with whom they have spiritually bonded after having had sex (generally, and ideally, with the same man).
The woman’s spiritual identity literally merges with the man’s subtle body and the unfoldment of his own spiritual process.
It is for this reason that my second astrally empowered woman, or previously virgin “God Man Mate” -- could project her consciousness (the limits to distance, destination and capacity I do not know) thousands of miles away to the man she had wedded herself to. Prior to the spiritual implantation or merging that occurred after sher first sexual contact, I believe she could travel to whatever place she chose. But of that I am not truly sure. I know that she was able to "locate" me in the spiritual "phone book," for the purpose of tying us together in what I hope was an auspicious spiritual matrimony with no ulterior motives. But from the time of her tying us together to the subtle body "seed" or implantation event two years later, I was able to sense her (and even project myself feebly over the circuit she had created) from a distance of two thousand miles away when she was in Michoacan, Mexico.
Again, there is a relationship between such a girl's etheric capacity and the man she has set her sights on that changes at different stages in their relationship. First, she bridges the distance by locating him and tying a subtle knot that transcends distance to a great extent. But still, prior to the implantation, and while she remains a virgin, I believe there remains a "freedom" in her movement. How far can she go in her nightly subtle projections I do not know. You would have to ask her. Is greater distance granted only in the case of love and finding a spiritual partner? I do not know. However, after sex and the subsequent planting of the subtle seed of her "full" astral body into her mate (or it’s inverted “succubus” form if this process is rejected or fails in some manner), there may be a loss in her freedom of movement. There may be a loss of some aspects of psychic freedom for this same sexually mature female. The man's body may replace the woman's world, in terms of psychic exploration and growth. The man's body may literally become her world , Heaven, or Nirvana.
So it was that this young 12-year-old Hispanic girl tied herself to me, causing a variety of sensations from afar, as a subtle force from outside me, but at age 14, four days after her first sexual contact (with a male peer), deposited herself within me (as described elsewhere), and henceforward could cause all the same perceptions plus many more, but now from a position of being interior to my physical body.
Sadly, I was not ready for this supercharged subtle presence. I was not the selfless embodiment of the Holy Spirit that God had intended. I rejected her presence within me, as described elsewhere, and it's been mostly downhill ever since. I’ve been on the wrong side of this phenomenon since February 2019, hung up in a prolonged spiritual “divorce court,” seeking separation from what quickly became a destructive presence. The Holy Spirit has been a most challenging judge to make my case to; and my "legal" expenses continue to mount. I wish you all the best of luck in avoiding the mistakes, hubris, and ill-preparedness that have beset me. God speed!
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