It Is Darkest Before The Dawn? Ongoing Blog Post On Swan Song Turned Water Fast And On Day 3 Of Fast Kundalini Fireworks Emerge - Can I Hold On Long Enough To Earn My Emancipation?
Summary
This post covers a few different time frames describing etheric "battles" within me.
One is from the period July 14-26, 2021 where, having finished my summer school assignment, I had a week or two to fast. Descriptions of the fast become more interesting with the July 18, 2021 entry. Having been overrun by the succubus July 19, Monday, I broke the fast and ate till I was full. That night I pleaded for divine intervention and received it. It was a mixed blessing, altering (temporarily) both of our statuses and capacities within my body. As of July 29, it seemed more difficult than ever to exorcise her subtle anchor within me. But at the same time, the force with which she was able to rock my heart muscle, and by extension erode the health of my circulatory system, was reduced by half. She was able, for the first time in 17 months, to return to her boyfriend; and I was able to go about my life with less disruption. Sort of. I still felt hollowed out. There remained a large alien mass of negative etheric energy within my very heart muscle. I fear that this is a cancer that will slowly destroy me. I have increased doubts that I will ever break free. With school resuming, I planned to engage a two days fasting, two days eating regimen. It is my hope to contemplate love and sadness, as these emotions are critical to the rehabilitation of the frontal line. Mere fasting doesn't seem to be sufficient at this time. I hope that my work duties do not deaden my aspirations and capacity for freedom to the point that I will be forever this girl's prisoner. My heart is not my own. How horrific is that?
I added notes pertaining to a 13 day fast in June 2022 (create anchor link). The succubus appeared more entrenched than ever. I must remain hopeful, though my optimism that I will prevail is waning. It does appear that this girl must maintain a steadfast focus on my dominion, or else she may forfeit her claim. So is my path and resolve dependent solely on the whims and external circumstances of a now 18 year old girl? What a sad state of affairs that is, if true.
I post here (anchor link) a month-long account of additional struggles around November 2022. The painful spires of etheric energy, feeling like they were cutting through my very flesh, first arising in June of this year, became far more common. After massaging my body for three hours and engaging a torso and heart kriya, my heart spasmed, drawing energy from throughout my body to oust the etheric kernel wedged in my heart. It was too much to sustain and after a few days the intensity dropped 90% to what appears to be a defensive posture only. I am no longer haggard looking and the etheric spires have largely stopped. I am left with the question: Will a fast provide my emancipation? Will the Holy Spirit return and provide the support I need?
I send my best regards to the world's spiritual aspirants. May all find the spiritual union and knowledge they seek!
Mother Shakti Goddess Transmission Observations - July 18, 2021
2021.7.14. Wednesday, 5:53am.
Weight 209.1. Day 8 without pills.
I've failed God, and God has failed me. I am an imperfect person, but I've done my best. But sometimes your best effort isn't good enough. That is how I see things right now.
There is much to say, much to explain. I'll see what I can articulate, given the antagonistic etheric cloud that clings to me and short-circuits my every function, including thought. My mental functioning is more compromised than it was one year ago when I last wrote a similar post. Please bear with me. I'll come back and edit for clarity when I can and as I am able.
Yesterday morning, for six hours from 5am till 11am, I was under the most intense crown chakra pall. It was a blanket of doom and suppression that made thinking and aspiring nearly impossible. I have no idea how this girl achieves this as, typically, I feel no active movement of negative energy in my brain. It's deeper down. She's plugging up something within me, or an etheric connection outside me, that I cannot feel. I just know its effects. It is truly brutal. I had hoped to fast to see if I can't break this spell, as fasting is about the only avenue of escape I know of. But having this cloud hang about me, clamping down on my every aspiration, made it next to impossible. There I was at work, surrounded by students eating lunch. An extra lunch was offered to me and my resolve failed. I ate. So much for freedom this time around.
Last night was unspeakably traumatic. It was preceded by an afternoon full of massive heart explosions and "wet towel snaps" of my heart muscle. I had tried to fast, but caved at lunch time, consuming the genetically modified chicken byproduct sponge-like compressed nuggets with MSG-laden breaded coating, followed by numerous other unnecessary and unhealthy foods. I visited the next door preschool class and was given two donuts, an apple fritter, and three or four cookies, which I ate greedily. Then, driving home, I stopped at the healthfood store and purchased a tuna sandwich. At home I ate yet more food and then a salad. I was in bed with lights out at 8:30pm. I awoke at 10:00pm sweaty with heat blanketing my body and tremendous snaps in my heart muscle. There was a rare pain in my heart. The succubus finally had found a weakness. My heart continued to express mild pain most of the night.
I am readying myself to die. God could easily have protected my body with far more vigor than He has these past two years. It has been within His power to do so. But I have received only the tiniest sliver of protection, and usually only after S has had her way with me for some time.
4:45pm. S shut down my brain function for 3.5 hours from 11:00am to 2:30pm. I was in my car, on a 45 minute drive home, when I felt an etheric attack on both sides of my right knee. This was the largest and broadest attack I've felt there. It was a 3-4 inch span of negative tension that came from the outside and went in. For her to pull that off, she must have a growing cloud of negative energy amassed around my body like a cloak. It must be there. How else this pincer attack on my knee from the outside in? This was in addition to the continued pall and strain over my mental functioning. S is getting more powerful -- that is for sure. Anyway, all of a sudden, I think after I stopped to pick up some tofu poke at the gas station at 2:30pm, the etheric cloud over my head and knee vanished, for the first time since 11:00am. While in the car I also had an inexplicable and completely annoying tension in my testicles while my mind and knee were both shut down as well. S was distracted for an hour or so. But now, another hour later, she is back at it, attacking my right nipple, brain, and elsewhere. She is toying with me. She knows she can kill me. Now she is working on other forms of domination, becoming skilled at these, perhaps, before finishing me off once and for all.
2021.7.15. Thursday, 4:35pm.
Weight 211.2. Day 9 without drugs. There continues to be major explosions and a sensation like that of a wet towel being thrown and jerked back "snapping"-like at my heart muscle. I believe that this girl, this "succubus" wants to kill me tonight. I am 90% sure of that. She was gentle on me last night. She exerted but mild control. But now for the past half hour, I have been beset with these snaps and explosions in my heart. These are accompanied by numerous etheric jabs into my solar plexus. Given the pain I felt two nights ago, I think this is it. She pulled back from it Tuesday night after 10pm when she struck gold. But she has found a weakness, to be sure. I've been too weak to fast or think. For a good 5-6 hours this morning she exerted a pall over my brain. It was like my whole head was engulfed in negative etheric energy and was unable to do anything productive -- not my journal, not my taxes, not school preparation, nada. It was unspeakable. I almost felt like I was going to black out or lose consciousness -- that is how heavy the strain was. The most I could do was fold laundry, eat, and lay down. At the same time, an exceptional spasm or block occurred in my neck and trapezius muscles. It came out of nowhere. I am pretty sure it was Kundalini, offering a modicum of support. It was not present when I woke up, and left maybe at about 10am when the cloud over my head changed to an exceptional tension in my chest, solar plexus, and testicles. She kept it up for 2-3 hours. I have rarely felt so compelled to masturbate. Was she having sex that whole time? Quite possibly so. But maybe she was playing with herself in order to compromise me? This went on interminably as I viewed porn and salacious images on the web. Then the lusty obsession stopped all of a sudden, and I could think clearly again and no longer wanted to masturbate. But just 30 minutes later, I was hit with these insane heart explosions meant to kill me.
And that is all the succubus has done today: block my mind from aspiring and being; compel my frontal line to crave nothing but orgasm; and then, finally, death, which is what this is all about, anyway. Also, last night, there were a few times where arousal came out of the blue. I cannot describe how sick and disgusting it is to have a desire to orgasm based solely on a needle like pressure on the testicles with zero associated love or mental yearning. The body's activities and fluids are meant to be directed toward transcendence; but when under the influence of the succubus, these higher minded functions are replaced by base, material cravings.
I am apalled at how DRAINED and gray my face has looked in the morning this past week. This is pure exhaustion and energetic depletion. I see zero shine or radiance.
My invader slept really well last night. But tonight is the kill.
I forgot to mention that for an hour this morning there was a major rippling in my brachial plexus. It was like an etheric vacuum sucking up all my energy in this chakra. It was amazing. S is like the Kodiak bear in "Grizzly Man," who for a day or so is seen diving deep into the water, feeding on salmon carcasses, before he turns on the man and his girlfriend, eating them on live audiotape. This girl's trying to pull etheric energy off me in my unenlightened, barely heightened state is like the tilling of droughted and cracked soil -- my soul is dry as a bone and hard as a rock. What a sad waste of time it is for the two of us to be trapped in this dynamic.
2021.7.16. Friday, 6:00am. Weight 211.0. Day 10. Small rips into my brachial plexus. Small hunger pangs directed at esophagus. Small attempts to infill my thyroid gland. I will try not to eat and see what happens. The succubus went hard into me at 2:00am for an hour. The first 15 minutes were intense and I had to throw off all my sheets as my body got so hot. But the staccato quality and force of the beat was not as bad as it might have been. She is becoming more confident of her eternal dominion over my soul. She is busy now doing other things.
7:00am. Kundalini block in my neck now. S is majorly distracted today. Starting sports? I have much more energy and clarity than usual, praise God. I prayed out loud a LOT yesterday, asking for divine support. It is insane the degree of disruption that an astral projection can bring to bear. It is like a black thunderstorm that clings to the body of a male aspirant, with the nickel sized etheric anchor in the male's heart being the gravitational center for all this negative etheric buildup. Destroy that anchor -- that negative source of attraction -- and the storm clouds evaporate.
I've been waiting for S to slip, or for her priorities to shift. It cannot be satisfying meditating on someone she hates 16-20 hours per day. I want her desire for physical union with a peer to break her resolve. I want her life involvement to become more consuming for her, giving me the space I need to "run for it."
The last few times I have hiked, my BPM has been 130-135 for the entire uphill walk, which is insane, as I am barely pushing myself. Even on the return downhill portion, the rate is still above 110. Two hours later, in bed, my resting pulse was 80 or so; and later in the night it dropped to low 70s. All of this is NOT typical. I despise and REBUKE this abuse of my heart. Is this her resting heart rate. Or can she set her anger on autopilot and keep my heart at an elevated BPM regardless of conscious involvement? I should be in the low 50s or high 40s, especially when in bed. The only good thing to report is that my heart got me 45 minutes into a continuous uphill climb with zero trace of strain. God, please continue to bless this exceptional organ.
7:45am. There is some etheric tension I believe of a negative type building up in my heart at this time. But I have been feeling pretty good and I haven't eaten since 8:00pm, so maybe, just maybe, this is the Holy Spirit at work.
9:30am. I made it through an hour of moderate hunger under my thymus gland, and I made it. My mind is mostly in the clear. There is no way I would have been able to do this yesterday, as her focus on me was so complete. She is distracted today and it makes all the difference. I hope her friends and family hound her about her reclusive, retiring, antisocial ways. "Hey, S, get out there and have some fun! Leave that old dude alone!" is what I'd like to say to her.
10:49am. Pain in left ear canal. A frog crawling sensation in throat past half hour. Acid reflux in throat an hour ago. Etheric barbs going into base of skull. S can cause all this. I would like to have some frozen bananas but I should refrain.
12:48pm. Sustained hunger and annoyance at mid throat under thymus going up to tonsils. Just a thought: S has been very chill today with my heart, as she was last night and the night before. S got to the edge of really harming my heart three nights ago but has pulled back considerably since then, spending yesterday on hunger, sexual urges, and pain in knees. I think all I have to do to prove to God that I am worthy of His assistance is simply NOT EAT. That is what it looks like. Last summer, when I tried fasting again, after the big fast, S did terrible things to my heart beat and rate. But not today. Why?
1:17pm. The K sound in my ears is the strongest it has been during the day in weeks. This is good. Hang on there, bro!
2021.7.17. Saturday, 6:44am.
Weight 206.3. Day 11 no drugs. 35 hours fasting that began Thursday 8:00pm. Moderate attempts at heart control this morning, but laying down with feet up and doing various kriyas made it too much work for her, perhaps because she has other things on her mind. Moderate pall over mental functioning that passed over me and has now dissipated. The succubus has not gone all out attacking my heart, though she did give a half dozen mildly painful shocks last night as I performed various calming kriyas to moderate my heart rate. I did awaken at 11:30pm to an excessively strong pulse and quickened heart rate. I dealt with this for about an hour and then wasn't able to fall asleep for another hour. It was a building positive K tension within me that has become very weak relative to just a year or two ago. It climaxed at 1:00am or 1:15am with a sense of heightened Kundalini presence in my torso, but again, it was very weak compared to how a K tension would rise up within me and do something more dramatic not long ago. I am quite fallen physically at this time. My concern is that all this delay for career has made my imprisonment permanent. I had thought that God can rescue His aspirant at any time. I am not sure that this is the case. The succubus seems very confident, and is not doing more than the typical heart control, pall over my being, and fake hunger pangs in my upper esophagus. She is not freaking out that I am fasting. This leads me to doubt that I will garner a rescue level of etheric force.
One of my best friends from California is visiting with his family in a week. Their first full day in Hawaii will be my eighth day of fasting, if I make it that far. Will God come to my aid as He has in the past? Will that be enough time to win etheric cleansing? S is on her best succubus behavior right now. No excessively strong snapping or explosions in my chest the last two days. I hope God can see through her subterfuge.
2:44pm. Hours of explosions in chest today. Hours. And some of the most ferocious fake hunger stimulations I've experienced. I am heating up my soup just to keep it from spoiling. I will try not to eat any. If I want my spiritual freedom, apparently, I have to earn it, all over again. This is interminable suffering. My intellectual productivity was only ¼ of what it would be without this succubus monkey hammering. I've spent over an hour today on my bed with feet up, doing this and that to reduce her force in me. I am starting to feel my thymus again, something that has been dead to me for months. On the slow and controlled outbreath, I visualize light and heat entering my heart, chest, and abdomen. I do repeats of this, over and over, while arching my back to shut the succubus down along the spine.
7:25pm. Insane etheric battle. Fast hard beats and darts into back and stomach. I ignored this drama for 30 minutes as I watched "Iron Fist" on Netflix. Then I spent 25 minutes doing SERIOUS breathing with feet up high on the wall above my bed, inhaling and holding the air for several seconds, then letting it out slowly as I concentrated on filling my torso, with arms outstretched straight above me and hands touching, contracting inward on my brachial muscles as I slowly lowered my hands down to midline at my groin, causing tension to be released from thymus and thyroid as I did so. It did the trick. But she was on a real roll. It took a lot of effort on my part. My feet were sweating and my torso was hot. This is crazy!
2021.7.18. Sunday, 6:31am.
Fasting now for 2 days, 10 hours. Weight 204.3. Day 12 no drugs.
As I stand at the computer here, I feel an intensity building in my chest and solar plexus. It is exceptional. I am only on my third day, so this is playing out differently than last summer, when maybe it was on day 5 that I began to feel the etheric immune response activate. In the unenlightened, weak state that I am, it is profoundly challenging to "stand and take it." I am like a small boat buffeted by gale force winds and forty-foot seas. These seas are the Unconscious Mind. They are the Holy Spirit. They are Kundalini. It's That Force and Presence That Gives Rise to All Existence. It's the 95% of Human Potential That Goes Untapped in most people's minds and bodies. Then there is the succubus and the etheric energy she wields thrown into the mix. She is far less powerful than God, but a fearsome force to be reckoned with nonetheless, especially when God doesn't have your back.
My body is an etheric battlefield -- my spirit versus hers -- and the Holy Spirit, at this time giving me much additional support, because my prayers, kriyas, and behaviors have earned it, at least for the present moment. But how long will it last? Will the support be great enough to purge her nickel-sized anchor in my heart, about which she has amassed a thick, deadly energetic cloud about my physical person? I do not know.
It's exceptionally difficult to stand, be alert, and navigate these seas because my little boat, this mind of mine, is like a cork bobbing on the ocean's surface. But my corkness is an illusion. I am that ocean. But I am in this impossible situation of having to harness these exceptional energies from the limited vantage point that I am in order to dispense with this succubus or human-etheric implant. I am required to complete this spiritual purification before I can move forward on my path and merge with Source.
What happens when a tiny mind comes into contact with this Unlimited Presence? It wants to sleep, curl up, avoid conscious consideration. Avoidance is the name of the game, because contact with and recognition of the Truth of Our Spiritual Nature is anathema to its retaining its limited state. Also, the energetics of this whole situation are beyond intense. They are supernatural and very difficult to withstand.
This is a contest between two souls, and as such, is more intense, challenging, dangerous, and nuanced -- and requiring the need for far greater discernment-- than the course of events typically associated with Kundalini awakening.
I feel the nerves in my solar plexus lighting up and filling with force. S is off beating furiously, but it is dimming, as well as her bleating in my left ear. There is tension building around the nickel sized node in my heart that is the location of her subtle identity. There is tension at my scapula and next to the vertebrae on the left side behind the heart muscle. I stopped to rock back and forth a bit, thinking that the intensity would be buoyed by my not looking at the computer screen and writing. But it ebbed a bit. I think it wants me to write and engage my mind creatively and spiritually. This bodily transcendence wants a mind that speaks its truth and reveals it to the world. The proper use of mental faculties is an accelerant to my healing.
7:00am. It may be petering out. That was a 30-minute blast. My whole frontal line is turgid with spiritual force.
7:12am. My thyroid gland is heating up -- my whole throat is being taken away from her. The energy is descending into my thymus and clearing her out. Praise God! It helped last night when I did numerous visualizations during exhalation of light connecting my pituitary to my thymus, heart, brachial plexus, and frontal line as a whole. I pictured a light beam or luminescent snow falling all over me and penetrating my body, with shimmering essences elicited and simultaneous contractions from the base of my spine. Lord, I really want to lie down right now. I just had a strong shock to my heart going down to my left hip. It was moderately painful, as were the ten or so similar shocks that went through my left side last night. Kundalini doesn't cause shocks like this. That is an etheric antagonist's work.
S spent all last night on a new tack of stabbing my left big toe right through the toe nail, sending negative etheric energy into my crown, probing a nerve near the top of my left hip (superior gluteal nerve?), followed by moderate shocks from my heart to my left hip and sommetimes carrying on down to my foot. I don't recall her messing with my left big toe before. Usually, her effort to diminish the flow of energy into me was accomplished with major etheric attacks on my right big toe. But this assault on my left big toe was quite different. It was not a major painful clamping down to choke off energy flow for several minutes. This was just a finger of energy: I felt it push through my toe nail and zap my toe like a fat acupuncture needle. I think it was part of an effort to weaken a cord of energy that passes through these areas and includes the heart muscle, such that when she chose to shock me -- via a dart of energy to the superior gluteal nerve above my hip bone -- my heart would be more vulnerable. The effect was striking and concerning. I crunched up like a sideways "C" to tighten the muscles of torso on the left side. I would say that the succubus -- this 16 year old girl who planted her soul in me two and a half years ago -- has performed this shock attack on my heart 15-20 times since yesterday. Luckily, I have weathered the assault well, which means that she will be sniffing about within God's creation of my material form, searching for another weakness to exploit. I am not dead, yet. Nice try, though, young lady.
1:00pm. The main etheric response lasted for about ninety minutes, which included the build up and the tapering. Since 7:30am I have received intermittent support. About an hour ago, the succubus reclaimed the thyroid gland. I could feel her deadening ooze fill the area. There continues to be a fair amount of positive tension in my brachial plexus; that remains a very much contested area. I feel considerable tension around my right nipple, that seems to be staving off further succubus incursions into my chest for now. The succubus' roosting in my heart muscle -- and by extension, amrit nadi -- allows her to bypass these obstructions. Therefore, her usual explosions and off beats in my heart muscle continue, though not as strongly as they were yesterday.
I was up this morning at 4:30am, having gone to bed at 8:30pm. I want to emphasize the exceptionally tired and befuddled state I was in for at least an hour. It is these disruptions to my normal mode of being that presage a Kundalini event. Sometimes when I am trying to sleep, and feel "off" and cannot sleep for an hour or more, it is followed by a Kundalini event. Without the succubus it is usually easy to tell that positive tension is building in me. But with an obstructive force at work in me, it is often very difficult to tell which is which until sufficient time has past. There have been many times that I have been delighted to find that I was right to postpone taking another Trazodone pill, with my body quivering with newfound energy seeking to dispel this demon. Back to this morning: It was from about 6:00am till it was obvious that I was in the thrall of a profound etheric cleanse at 6:30am, that I was beset with a growing desire to sleep, or having my brain yanked down to operate from my chest, both of which made it next to impossible to think or work. That is all that I wanted to point to -- these buildups to Kundalini events. They can be quite trying and challenging to interpret.
The question and concern I have now is: Will my 56 years old, weakened physical and emotional vehicle support God's intervention? This is an etheric contest, or "sport," if you will. The succubus is younger and stronger in many ways than I am. Is she a more "fit" aspirant? I don't know. Will I receive more help from God tomorrow? And will it be greater than what I received today? I can only hope so. If tomorrow is a fizzle, I will be incredibly disappointed. There has to be an avenue of escape -- or victory -- at any time, or so I would hope. But who am I? I am not God. I didn't make the rules. I am not in a position to judge each of our worthiness. I would like to think that ruining me for 870 days now is a sufficient price to pay for my error. It is time to let me go. But death is her intention. Maybe she will commit suicide if she loses, hence God's placing such a high bar for release for me. The stakes could be that high. But hers was the greater error, in my opinion. I continue to pray for God's mercy, aid, and deliverance.
5:35pm. I went for a 45 minute walk, going very slowly. I did not want to take any energy away from this inner process. God had not told me to hike, as happened during the last fast. But I did feel a need to give some mild stimulation to my body, given that my lifestyle of online interactions is so sedantary. During the first 20 minutes before turning around, I felt Kundalini expand and fill my lungs, which was great. But then it petered out. I didn't get a sense that greater exertion would trigger another go at emancipation. I was tired, in any event. I did not want to trigger another Kundalini intensification like the morning. I would much rather face that when I was fresh from a night of sleep.
2021.7.19. Monday, 5:27am.
Fasting now for 3 days, 9 hours. Weight 201.8. Day 13 no drugs for sleep.
Major off beats and extractive rumblings in my chest since I rolled out of bed 45 minutes ago. Now, just now, there is a mild Kundalini tension stretched across my chest. I am terrified that Kundalini won't bring to bear sufficient energy to expel this etheric usurper that has taken root in me, whether today or in the next few days. She had my heart under hard and fast control all night long, at a BPM that may have exceeded 80. I took an hour starting at 11:30pm to calm her down -- with focused breathing, muscular contractions, and visualizations, all, of course, with my feet elevated on the wall and my butt propped up on three pillows. This worked temporarily, with control beats that were slightly less forceful returning before I fell asleep again. Sadly, also I am terrified of having to confront her, even with God's help. I'd say especially with God's help. It is because of the sheer intensity of the affair. It is an exceptionally taxing facing off. I'd much prefer not to deal with it. I failed once already. I gave myself an "A" for my demonstration of steadfastness and resolve, but God wanted an "A+." But I have no choice: The alternative is a spiritual life completely hollowed out by a malicious consciousness, a state of affairs that completely upends my every life aspiration.
I do wonder whether my interminable delays -- due to the insufferable expectations of my employment -- in aggressively pursuing my freedom these past 2.5 years, and this astral parasite's ongoing attacks during this time -- have created a spiritually moribund condition such that I am no longer salvageable. Sure, it appears that I am still eligible for small amounts of Grace, but quite possibly not in sufficient quantity to expel her anchor in my heart muscle. That thing must be dispensed with, but it appears to require nothing short of a miracle to do so.
It is now 6:20am, and even though I spent 10 minutes not long ago with my feet up on the wall, doing my kriyas, the succubus has maintained this ferocious blitz of explosions and off beats in my heart, causing my whole chest to rock. I will confess that this girl is an exceptional adept. I am so sorry that the highest level of involvement with each other was not meant to be. I was not ready for her. I was unfinished. God, the objective arbiter of this contest, must look down on her and see a valiant, tenacious, utterly devoted etheric being. She controlled me all night long, and with style. Except for perhaps just a handful of occasions, she hasn't slept with a man in 17 months. That is a big price to pay for a young succubus. She is at the top of her game. Why take from her her etheric lover, her trapped quarry? She has earned my bondage, has she not? I feel her oozing all over my thymus and thyroid glands, constantly erupting in my chest, stabbing my big toes, doing this and that like only a malevolent Shakti Princess can do. She is laying claim to me, as if to say, "Lord, he is mine!" And so maybe I am. But if her intention is to kill me, and not just drain me and toy with me, shouldn't my plea for release have additional merit? The girl will still be able to dominate and in many ways own another man, a man she has had profound and endless sexual contact with. She will still have something. It shouldn't be her ruin if God grants me mercy.
6:33am. Where is the intensity I felt yesterday? It's ebbed, I think. There remains some positive tension in my chest, but it's only a fifth or less of what it was yesterday. This exceptionally devoted etheric antagonist has made a better demonstration to God than I have. Why can't she do anything else with her life? To maintain this level of disruption, her consciousness cannot be involved in many other considerations. She must be locked in her room all day, idly staring at her cell phone as she directs these etheric attacks from some unfathomable depth in her consciousness. I wish she had a raft of personal and financial responsibilities. I wish she had had a child with that guy who came inside of her over 2000 times in the course of a year. Anything to pull her mind off me. Now I feel tension in my balls. Is she going to go be with him today, just to lassoo some of that energy to give me a wallop of cravings, as she did early last week?
I wish I knew more ways to boost my body's capacity for etheric force. It would help not to be overwhelmed by my employment, spending both days of each weekend scrambling to complete my special education paperwork and the endless lesson planning for the three different grade levels I support. During this time of spiritual crisis, I denied thousands of urges to withdraw and meditate. I have no doubt that this endless denial has damaged me. I did do a 5.5 day fast Monday through Friday of one week in April of this year. Everyday was a workday with many students to teach and teachers to collaborate with. I was so disappointed when the only Holy Spirit contact I had was a faint display on day four, where I felt the tips of my ears and thymus gland stimulated for just a few minutes during a language arts block. Nothing on day five. It is obvious that for fasting to achieve maximal effectiveness, you must be able to be in silence with very few distractions that take you away from an inner focus. Paul Bragg said as much.
"Our fasting is such a very personal and quiet time that many years ago I went into the Santa Monica Mountains in California and bought a tract of land in the wilderness of the Topanga Canyon near Malibu. There I built a retreat cabin, identical to Thoreau’s at Walden Pond. In that natural seclusion, Patricia and I enjoy the quiet and peace for our fasting time. If it’s possible for you to get away to some secluded place and do your fast in Mother Nature’s splendor with fresh air and solitude, you will enjoy better results!" ~ Paul Bragg, "The Miracle of Fasting - Proven Throughout History"
7:06am. I am sweeping the dirt and chicken and turkey prints from my backyard lanai, as well as vacuuming the house right now. I am not expecting or waiting for God to rescue me. I'll chalk this off as another round to the teenaged girl. To heck with her and God. I was right to reject her, and right to reject the Holy Spirit those fateful nights of March 1st and 2nd, 2019. Or at least I made the very best decision I could, based on my albeit limited knowledge and experience. I should not be subject to the death penalty. My plan is to live as healthfully and kindly as I can. I will never give up on God. I hope He does see me worthy of His aid at some point. Perhaps I will continue this fast, keep the pressure on this girl. She is really going hard at me now, knowing that she has won the day. I can only hope that God does intervene, if only in small ways, to keep me from dying. And I will live always in the hope that someday God will choose to rescue me, preferably before the death of this body.
I broke my fast at noon today. I had insufficient faith. Some sadness came upon me, but it fizzled because I am rather worn and resigned at this point. I don't engage in strong flights of emotion because it simply has not been safe to do so in this world. It's hard for me to fake it. Displaying great sadness and heartbreak at my being separated from God -- tears streaming down my face; face, throat, and thyroid pulsing with energy, and that energy forcing an opening in my thymus -- would likely have triggered a much greater response from Kundalini. But those feelings did not feel appropriate or honest for me to engage. So I will cling to this flat, gray world of mine.
5:50pm. Resting heart pulse is 75. Insane. That is NOT my baseline. I must break free. I ate a big salad, then a big bowl of soup from my a pot in the frig. I will likely have something sweet, like some chocolate or toast with nut butter and honey, in the next hour or so. My intention is to fast again tomorrow. I see a good friend who will be visiting from California this coming Sunday and Monday, so that will give me another five days to see if more can be earned with this austerity. The succubus is sleeping right now, which is early for her. She needs to make up for lost sleep from the last few days, apparently, having needed to demonstrate control and ownership over my soul. She can sleep well now, knowing that she accomplished her aim.
2021.7.20. Tuesday, 7:00am.
Fasting 8 hours. Weight 203.0. Day 14 no drugs.
This girl's claim on me is great. Truly, this is supposed to be a permanent, blessed relationship, with the two of us merging with eternity at the end of my life, together. But as awesome and amazing as that prospect is, what I have been dealing with, and looking at, is its polar opposite. This morning there appears to be a slight draw on my testicles. A lot of changes are taking place. Could a new balance of power -- a new arrangement -- be emerging?
I engaged a long prayer last night. S shocked my heart as I spoke. I don't know if she can hear the exact words; maybe she was reacting to the emotional state and general intention, and the obvious addressee of my monologue. I asked for forgiveness. I pleaded my case that I have done the best I could, using my best judgment. I asked that God continue to protect me, especially my body, until such time that I could engage the appropriate penance and achieve sufficent etheric velocity to discharge this girl. I rededicated myself to Him. I wanted, still, to be a living, physical vehicle for His Truth. Maybe a lesser such vehicle, but transformative and imbued, nonetheless. I wanted people to sense something different about me, something that reinforced their belief in God and the sacredness of Creation. But having said this, I also stated that I did not want to die strangled by a succubus. I asked that God revisit the offer made to me in November 2019, of shutting down "amrit nadi," or this transcendental portal that enables Holy Spirit and this girl's etheric being to merge with my own. Though I would be living in a God-forsaken silence, I could at least be of service to my mother in her final years and finish out these memoirs of mine. I also complained about the etheric cloud about me, that appears to grow more dense over time, and is gravitationally secured by the succubus' implant in my heart. She appears to use this cloud to short-circuit the comparatively weak electromagnetic functioning of my brain. It's like a heavy fog cover comes down over me, and I can no longer think. I asked God to do something about that. I thought I had earned permanent respite for my crown chakra -- which includes, in large part, my cognitive functioning. If proof of the competence and dedication of my mind was a settled matter, then why should the girl be able to undermine its functioning? I argued that that wasn't fair, and that His tolerance of this restricted my service to Him. I ended the prayer by asking for protection and guidance for myself and the people I care about, as well as for all beings who seek knowledge of God with purity of heart.
2:20pm. This is crazy. I've had Kundalini in my chest and active all day long, holding a mild tension across my brachial plexus, throat, and abdomen. The succubus is contained in the heart muscle, where I felt her moving around quite a bit last night, along with some extensions of her in my thymus and thyroid glands. I cried in bed a little while ago. I am okay with this, for now. This girl's identity is not obliterated, at least for the time being, and I get to work as necessary near horrific sources of EMF, as she compromises my heart's higher functioning, and hence I no longer feel them on a conscious level. I told God last night that I was not ready to fulfill His mission at this time. Maybe after I retire or I have greater EMF safety. God appears to be on permanent chaperone status, stretched tent-like across my torso, I think shielding me also from etheric reinforcements from this girl into my solar plexus. So I've earned that much, at least. Praise the Lord. We are together, and it is safe for me. The wear and tear on my circulatory system appears acceptable. But we shall see. Apart from the protective ringtone in my ears, God has not shown any interest in providing more extensive support on a continuous basis since this girl's ploughing her astral body into me back in February 2019. It is highly likely that when I head back to work shortly (the summer break is almost over), and I find my consciousness again pulled in one hundred directions, with a highly mental focus on account of the insane paperwork demands, God may drop the protection; that is, my circumstances won't be supportive of a spiritual lifestyle, especially for someone suffering from a deep spiritual illness like me, where conditions must be especially hospitable to advance and thrive.
There was a bizarre alteration of my frontal line last night. At 11pm I felt an odd tension. I wasn't able to sleep, though I had slept fine since 8:30pm. Especially troubling, I found myself unable to breathe without conscious attention. I became anxious. For two hours I lay in bed, attending to my breath, fearful that I wouldn't be able to breathe unless I concentrated on this essential function. I did a few breathing kriyas and didn't sense the release of heat and tension that occur when I exorcise a bit of my unwanted guest. So something else was afoot. It was a little after midnight that I realized I had drifted into reverie for a while and yet my breathing continued. This relieved me greatly. Given the broad support to my torso I experienced today, it appears that a shift may have occurred last night to make this possible in an ongoing manner.
I experienced a deep anxiousness. I feared that the succubus was doing something ghastly to my respiratory system. Was this the "final solution" of her quest to prevent me from sleeping? Through usurping my ability to breathe, would she finally be able kill me? If you have to be awake in order to breathe, that is quite a dangerous predicament to be in. Sleep would result in asphyxiation. How horrific would that be? But thankfully, this particular fear was unfounded.
I wish to say again that I had never before felt such a distinct small astral ball pinging back and forth within my heart's physical structure. I could feel her bounce off the walls there. Literally. It was like a child in a play pen -- or a rubber room for the insane -- or a scene from Sartre's "No Exit" where people are stuck in a room together, for eternity. In terms of physical union within amrit nadi, I think that is the extent of it for her. Had she retained her full astral body, and had I been the aspirant I should have, then my entire physical being would have been her playhouse, and it would have been a much better experience for the two of us. But such is the Kali yuga, or end times. I am sorry, young lady. As I told God, I have done, and continue to do, the best I can. I am sorry that I -- and this world -- have fallen short.
2021.7.21. Wednesday, 7:13am.
Fasting 11 hours. Weight 204.7. Day 15 no drugs.
I've been up since 4:15am. I had K support all night, praise God. I am terrified to face the thrashings of my heart that will happen again when I don't have this help. S was not on her best behavior. She tried to cause strong and fast heart beats, which is what she always does, but the K tension along my frontal line, that was milder than the night before, remained. So the beats slowed and what were moderately intense beats soon reduced in force to something almost pleasant. Very interestingly, I awoke at 10pm to discover unprecendented Kundalini blocks at either side of my solar plexus bindu point, not at the center of my solar plexus, but four inches on either side, and about two inches in length going up and down. This is fabulous. I can only pray that when I go to sleep, and when the succubus finds me most vulnerable, that I continue to have this kind of support and supervision. I wouldn't need this had a merged consciously with the untapped potential within me; but in my limited state, without the direct support of what is referred to as the unconscious mind, I am weak when confronting a tormentor who is able to make purposeful and destructive use of that same energy. Later in the night, I felt this frontal block replaced by one in the bottom left of my back, which is used to moderate the force of the heart beats.
Right now, my heart is still under her control, but the force is only a mild overlay of my natural state, with a BPM of 70, which is still way too high, but better than the ambient 80 or so that she was able inflict on me the past several weeks.
I broke my fast yesterday. I had half a salad, drenched in salad dressing, that was going to go bad if I didn't eat it; and my landlady wanted me to filet a tilapia from her pond and cook it. Plus, it didn't seem like I was on the precipice of a major spiritual breakthrough. So I studied the sharpening of filet knives on the computer, as well as took some notes on how to filet a fish, and then cooked and ate the fish in order to give feedback on the quality of the fish to my landlord. My stomach was sending me NO signals to eat, nor was the succubus manipulating my esophagus to make me want to eat; yet, eat I did. The verdict on the fish is that I do not like tilapia, at least her tilapia. I much prefer salmon, tuna, and canned sardines. Also, I don't care for fileting fish. I'd rather have a machine or someone else do it. The smell, slime, scales, fins, bones, and blood are unpleasant to work with. As I heard the fish make sporadic and desperate flops at the bottom of my frig, I sensed a kindred, doomed spirit: I thought to myself, "Death is coming for us all." I do recognize that -- to stay grounded in reality -- flesh eaters should be closer to life and death of the souls they consume. There is no escaping the karma in our consumption patterns. It is better to be up front about it, and not pass off the killing to an undesireable or lesser caste member. Or pay them well, as we do -- or used to do -- butchers in the USA.
9:02am. BPM 65 with occasional off-beats, and minimal overlay of aggressive force. Excellent. What is going on? I am heading out for a day of errands. I hope this doesn't interfere with my ongoing sadhana and healing. It is hard to be at Costco, Macy's, Ross, and Walmart and not have your consciousness polluted.
2021.7.22. Thursday, 9:05am.
Fasting 1 day, 13 hours. Weight 200.5. Day 16 no drugs.
My BPM right now is 63. It was 54 last night as I approached bedtime. This is a vast improvement. Still, it should be in the 40s somewhere. Back in 1994 when I was on my 5 hour per day hiking-sadhana tear, it was in the high 30s in the middle of the night. Lowest number I recorded was 36 BPM. Now that is an efficient, chill heart!
Many things to comment on. I have avoided this entry, as the situation is both intense and new for me, and I don't know yet what it means.
First thing to note is that it is extraordinarily significant that Kundalini entered my chest and abdomen three nights ago to form a layer of protection between me and this etherically well-endowed antagonist. While I am not certain what this means, this presence or etheric film is most definitely there. But its support seems to go both ways. Are we both trapped in this endless loop of etheric entanglement, limitation, and despair?
Given S's behavior last night and this morning, she is very dissatisfied. Either she does not want to be a prisoner, or she sees this as support provided to me as I move to evict her. Succubus induced hunger pangs and heart explosions were only half as intense as they were before. I don't mind psychological and spiritual warfare, but her ability to damage my circulatory system was something I cried foul on. God has offered to lend me support. I see some small improvement in the appearance of my legs' veins. I hope this continues.
I felt an unusual strengthening in the line of lymphatic tissue descending at an angle on either side of my navel, going down three inches or so on either side. It was not lateral as I have felt before, and which I associate with solar plexus nerves. I looked up lympthatic system schematics, and there does seeem to be a correlation. I am not sure what this means. Ultimately, our entire body is one seamless tapestry of Holy Spirit. But some areas are more conductive and powerful than others. I'll take whatever support I can access wherever and however I can.
2021.7.23. Friday, 7:40am.
Fasting 2 days, 12 hours. Weight 199.1. Day 17 no drugs.
The last couple of days I have not wanted to write anything. I feel like somehow I've hit the end of my path, especially today when my Kundalini protective ringtone is ebbing in my ears and I haven't felt much additional support in my chest. I have a bit more energy for cognitive tasks, but I am rather flat, emotionally. The succubus is bleating weakly in my left ear. All night long she was controlling my heart, creating off beats and explosions. The "rubber room" wall of subtle force Kundalini placed between me and her is still there, though it's a third less strong than it was.
Interestingly, when I feel Kundalini strengthen in me, not only do I feel energy course laterally across my brachial and solar plexus nerves, but I feel energy or "presence" concentrate and move along my lymphatic system. While I continue to feel much movement around my thymus and thyroid glands, lately I've also felt considerble force building near and below by navel. I have felt a taut line going downward on either side of my navel in a manner consistent with the lymphatic schemas represented in the diagrams above. Of course, I have had numerous earlier experiences with the lymph system: an irrigation of fluid into my pancreas that was associated with a cooling and calming of my nervous system in fall 1994; the flooding of my brachial nerves from the thymus gland in July 1994; and many lesser movements and incidents.
I don't recall looking at a lymph system schema before. Maybe I did in high school biology. It makes sense that energy concentrates in the lymphatic as well as the nervous system, as it is in the lymph where cerebro-spinal and other important hormone-rich fluids combine. The striking movements of fluid I felt in 1994 were most likely related to lymphatic activity. Nerves don't conduct fluid, while lymph vessels obviously do. Also, in one diagram I see the spleen displayed prominently. Perhaps the irrigation I sensed involved the spleen rather than the pancreas. It is hard to be certain. My thought at the time was that since it was the job of the pancreas to work with sugar metabolism and energy in the body, and that I had already hypothesized that it was the pancreas that converted subtle energy -- taken in through the solar plexus bindu point -- into a form that sustains the biological organism; and that my whole body cooled down and I had a new relationship with subtle energy after this event; I figured it must have been the pancreas. But I could be wrong. The fluid spilled into some large gland or organ, that is for sure.
12:09pm. Extraordinary thrashings inside my heart muscle since 1:00am and ongoing. There are breaks, but then she comes back to it. From within this enclosure in my heart, she is banging against the walls. I think I felt mild pain just now. She intends to destroy that organ from the inside out. She just might do it.
3:50pm. Serious hunger. Lots of thrashing of heart earlier. Game is still on, but God, for whatever reason, decreased the force of these interactions by fifty percent. I had to lay down again for fourth or fifth time today. But now, because of the ferocity of the attacks, I am doing kriyas again. They are necessary. The left side of my back is heating up again, just under the rib cage. Is that K or is that S? I haven't done kriyas the past two days because I thought that this was a way for God to chaperone two parties until some positive resolution can be achieved. I am fasting for internal purification, and to see if God takes that as a reason to help me expel her or not. Given her ferocious pushback and attacks on my esophagus and heart, two things are apparent: she has no intention of reconciling; and she is making an all-out to kill me once and for all. I did have minor pain deep within my heart, like one of the valves or chambers. Never felt anything there before. So I ceased standing at my desk and went for an hour hill walk, to good effect.
2021.7.24. Saturday, 5:17am.
Fasting 3 days, 9 hours. Weight 197.5. Day 18 no drugs.
Strong hunger pang in upper esophagus near the thyroid. Explosions or off-beats in chest every 5-8 beats. Beats are staccato and strong. Very serious heart control all night from bedtime at 8pm till I arose at 4am. I wasn't able to moderate them a whole lot. Whenever I awoke or turned over, the force of beats would strengthen, then, as I lay on my side and contracted my chest and shoulder muscles inward, the force would, over the course of 10 minutes, lessen. Whenever there is an explosion, I feel my chest, throat, and abdomen vibrate obnoxiously. This onslaught is associated with extreme tiredness. While there is a physiologic component to this, the sleepiness is more a function of my being hit with a barrage of etheric energy from the unconscious mind, a level that I am not operating on, and that is associated with sleep. At this moment, the succubus is burrowing into the area under my left scapula in an attempt to weaken my heart. There was mild pain in the heart earlier this morning. The succubus knows that my fast is actively encouraging God to free me, so she is on double duty, just as she has been the last couple of mornings, as well as this past Monday morning where I was hoping Kundalini would up the force of its immune system response; but instead, that whole morning I was steamrolled by particularly forceful and disruptive heart attacks that seemingly prevented God from showing up.
The layer of protection that God placed in me Monday night is weakened, providing just half the protection that it did initially. My vein deterioration seemed to be stablizing for a day or two, but yesterday and today I am not sure. That was my principle complaint to God: That if I am to have any chance of redemption, I need to have a salvageable body. There was a long explanation of why I have delayed, why it is still not safe for me to be a vehicle for His Truth, that it might not be for another 10 years before I can retire and be able to avoid excessive EMF exposure, and that there must be a way to contain the ongoing damage within me, especially if God wasn't going to give this girl the boot anytime soon. It was three hours after my impassioned plea that I awoke to my chest's energetics being overhauled, and my having great difficulty breathing for an hour or so. Since that time, there has been a layer of etheric energy embedded in my torso that renders the succubus' tantrums and etheric-spear-wielding lunges at my wellbeing more muted, and unable to cause more damage. The constant eruptions in my chest are still unwelcome. But as this layer of protection has weakened, the succubus interactions with my heart have become more palpable and damaging. I reminded God this morning that my circulatory system really needs ongoing protection. I am not sure whether the protection wears down as the succubus performs her destructive "sadhana" (which it is, for her), or God was adjusting the force to the minimum amount needed to grant my safety. Whatever the case, the "game" is still very much on. My fasting was three-edged: one focus was my own physiologic purification; another was to seriously annoy the succubus; and the third was to see if it elicited any acknowledgement from God.
I prayed to God also that if there was any avenue toward reconciliation between me and this broken entity, in a way that kept us aligned on a path leading toward union with Him, that I wanted that outcome. But I think this would rest on what is possible, given our predicament, and the girl's sentiments. Given how she has been attacking me right and left -- if not my chest, then my throat, knees, big toes, crown, and ear canals -- I don't see her having any desire to reconcile. If she had great faith, perhaps she would stop fighting me all the time and trust that the fast might simply lead to purification on my part, and a more healthful body for her to inhabit. But I think that God and she know these inviolable rules better than I do. I think the fast can only mean one thing: my plea for subtle cleansing. Her presence, in its current form, within me, can only mean destruction of the man -- and nothing positive. Therefore any movement toward purification on my part must be thwarted by her. That just might be the end of what is possible, with my being more than foolish to expect anything other than what I saw those first few months as witness to this vengeful, heart-embedded astral projection.
7:16am. The beats are less intense now, but they are faster. I have had a BPM of 90 for the past 30 minutes. I am waiting to see when or whether she will take a break, creating a window for K to step in a bit. S is an exceptionally dedicated and capable etheric partner. While I have no certain expectation that K will show up and lighten my load, my wish is at least to make S work hard and be distracted from her broader life. The hope is that this effort on her part will grow too great and she will begin to cede more ground to me and my quest for freedom. My fasting, in addition to purifying my body, continues to be a real thorn in her side. And, by the way, I detest fake hunger attacks. Satan, be gone! Do I really need someone in my life who has usurped my own body's signals to make me want to eat and have sex to extreme excess, all the while seeking to prevent me from sleeping? Some spiritual partner a succubus makes! :) I was thinking yesterday that S's (short for the girl's real name) effort to destroy me is as intense and involving for her as mine was during the summer and fall months of 1994 where I was meditating and hiking 5 hours per day, on the edge of an altered state nearly continuously. I was all-in, with single-pointed focus. By the same token, my physical and subtle destruction is now S's quest, apparently, pursued with an equal devotion and tenacity.
5:00pm. The psychic attacks, fake hunger pangs, and brain fog have lifted for the most part. She's three hours ahead of me. Must be tired and getting ready for bed after a day of throwing monkey wrenches into my every activity.
2021.7.25. Sunday, 5:11am.
Broke fast at 4 days, 8 hours. Weight 195.9. Day 19 no drugs for sleep.
It was wonderful last night to have 4 or 5 hours where S finally took a break from pounding me. All of her etheric efforts were weaker and shorter lived. After going pretty much sleepless for 2-3 nights viciously controlling my heart and spending just about all day the last few days disrupting and coopting me, she needed a break. So sad for her to have to reveal a tiny chink in her subtle armor.
But she made up for it this morning with a good 90 minutes (I've been up since 3:30am) of some of the worst heart pounding I've had from her: BPMs of 95 or so, with pause/off beats every third beat, with quite a bit of force. My right inner thigh began to turn purple as more veins became visible beneath my skin from the trauma. But they are looking better now as over the past 15 minutes her attacks have waned. I continue to have some protection or Kundalini augmentation of my chest and stomach. Whether it is enough to prevent premature death, God only knows.
I have to remember not to jump to doubting God when my soul sound eclipses His in my ears, and all I can hear is a faint squeak, if that, in my right ear. For the last two days God's healthful, this-chakra-is-Mine ringtone in my ears steadily waned. I thought that maybe He was fading out due to Kundalini's protection in my chest. But I was wrong. When the succubus punched out last night, K came back with a roar in my ears, which I noted at 10:00pm or so. It is still strong, but the succubus is on the warpath again. This girl is supernatural and probably needs just four hours of good sleep every three days, especially when she is in full vampire-destroyer mode on me, as she has been.
This will probably be my last entry for this post, as another horrific school year is upon me. It starts this coming Wednesday -- but with the overachieving crew I am working with, it began a good two weeks ago. I'll be showing up on Tuesday for some extra duties. Also, my best friend from California, another special needs teacher, is on island now. Today and tomorrow we have full days planned of snorkeling, paddle boarding, hiking, mango picking at a friend's estate, and more. I won't have much energy or time to analyze S's vindictive shenanigans. I do plan on fasting M-W-F like I did for a couple of months at the end of last school year. But I have a different assignment this year, with 3-4 year olds having lunch in my room. I had minimal exposure to school food last year, which made abstention much easier. But we shall see. I'll do my best. I do want to keep the pressure on this girl who clearly can't move forward in her life until I -- the killer of her astral body -- is dead. God seems to have weighed in to prolong my life. While I don't want any more subtle blood sport than necessary, there must be a good reason for this.
Peace to all who are reading this. Remember that while fasting and moral conduct are important elements of the path, the Holy Spirit is most moved by the emotions of love and sadness. Sadness for the plight of other beings, including those who have wronged you; and love for all creation. Stoke those emotions if you want to increase the potency of your realization.
2021.7.26. Monday, 5:30am. Weight 199.4. Day 20 no drugs.
Something snapped yesterday. I abruptly broke my fast at 4:00am. I wasn't hungry. I had weathered severe succubus storms of hunger pangs and heart attacks, yet here I was well into day five, more firmly resolved than ever. My stomach still had a couple of big kale and swiss chard salads in it from before the fast began, and was prepped to go another five days to see if the austerity elicited God's attention again. But there were events taking place external to me that the succubus would not have anticipated. I had friends on island with plans for several meals and outdoor activities beginning today. It was to be my first social engagement in two years. I wanted to be a full party to the experience, which included eating. Anyways, after having some fruit in the early morning, I was hit with 90 minutes of ferocious racing, explosions, and off-beats. Then, miraculously, there was radio silence, for the most part, for the rest of the day. I didn't feel a sexual pull, which would indicate she was having sex. But maybe she was beginning to wall herself off from me. There was heart racing after I ate three slices of pizza at a Calvary church service, but it was very mild in force. This happened, too, after overeating some ahi and onion rings dishes at Lava Lava grill. There was an attack on my right knee on the way home, but much more mild than usual. Last night and this morning, my heart was under control only some of the time, and that control was the faintest it has been in a long time.
Question: How can this young sexual-subtle prodigy enjoy her senior year in high school if she is flat-out obsessed with my destruction? Answer: She can't. She must move on with or without capturing my soul. As her associates are jockeying to secure their mates, this young succubus cannot ignore all these sexual activities and lifelong associations that are springing up around her. Girls are competitive and social. The price for her abstaining from involving herself in any of this must be too much for her. This is what I have been waiting for. Praise Jesus, if I am right; and praise Jesus if I am not! :)
A tell-tale sign that a shift has occured was not only the weakness of the amrit nadi connection between us, but that, having begun, and after an hour of trying claw back into me to assert much greater dominance, she could not do it. Normally, once she begins her heart control, the force of my beats and the noise in my left ear grow to a great extent. It's her sadhana, her meditation. She gains strength as she does this, until she is firmly back in the saddle (it's my body that she is saddling). But not last night. After ten minutes I sensed her frustration -- or perhaps it was tiredness, I am still not 100% sure -- and she would give up and my heart would be left alone again. Something like this has not happened in many many months.
Maybe she has been unfaithful and God is shutting her down more. Or maybe she has decided to let go of her hatred and connection to me, at great cost to her. I will have to see how this plays out in the coming days and weeks.
Another big, fun day ahead for me. May God inspire and light the paths of all who seek Him in earnest and purity of heart! Amen!
3:45pm. Small push of ethers into bindu point. (Had been radio silence since yesterday morning.)
5:00pm. Small etheric push into left scapula.
8:30pm. For the past 45 minutes there has been faint, false stimulation of hunger in middle and upper esophagus. It is just a shadow of the force S previously brought to bear on me. It is so tragic. She is like a ghost shaking chains in an empty house.
4:15am. False hunger pangs.
2021.8.1. Sunday, 5:35am.
Weight 202.6. Day 26 no drugs for sleep. Yesterday I was beset with a BPM of 120 for about three hours in the morning. This then dropped down to 85-90 for another two hours, followed by about 70 BPM for the remainder of the day. That 70 beats per minute continued through the evening and to the present time the next day. Especially, as I lay still in bed in the middle of the night, my heart should be beating in the high 40s or low 50s. But it is not. Somehow, the presence of that kernel of negative awareness planted in the middle of my heart throws my body's equilibrium off. I am as certain as I can be that the girl trotted off to her boyfriend's house yesterday afternoon, remaining there overnight and through this moment. I've been free of overt attack, apart from some minor jabs into my back, and some tension at the base of my skull that I shook off a couple of times. I am thankful, at least, for my heart's ability to deflect the etheric attacks through rapid, but very weak contractions, more akin to a flutter than a normal beat. So, there is much less strain on my physiology than there otherwise would be. But this unwanted energetic entanglement is something that I must get out from under if at all possible.
My plan for the current school year is to adhere to a two-day fasting, two-day eating regimen. I know that this past week the succubus was very concerned on the second day of the fast, causing great ripplings of etheric energy across my chest, pulling energy from me, doing whatever she could to prevent positive etheric build-up in me. Also, of course, she spent a couple of hours causing false hunger pangs in the mid to upper esophagus regions, near the thymus and thyroid glands. It annoys me to no end that she can so cavalierly reunite with her boyfriend and have my heart and physical body to toy with as her whim dictates. I want the price for her ongoing control of me to be very high. And I beg God to intervene and build me up every time she takes a mini-vacation from her ongoing assault on my being. It would help me also if this girl's life became more complicated. If she hasn't gotten the COVID injection (there are lots of fertility issues surrounding the shot, with a mass culling being a prerequisite to the elite's hoped for "great reset"), with any luck she'll become pregnant. Perhaps this will cause a weakening in her connection to me. At the very least, it should present a distraction for her life force and her ability to concentrate so intently on her dominion over me. I've been holding steady at the 200 pound level, give or take five pounds. I would like to drop to 180 or so, the weight I was at when I graduated from high school 38 years ago, with the hope being that I will have more etheric energy at my disposal to evict this very tough kernel of psychic identity embedded within me.
When I stopped my fast on Thursday, 44 hours into what was to be a 56 hour fast, I stuffed myself with a large overripe papaya, along with a big serving of white pineapple. This was followed by a 20 minute burst of positive etheric energy within me. It felt more native to me. I had earned it. My brachial plexus, right nipple, and the majority of my back, all became tense and charged. But there was no associated tension in my heart muscle, nor an outlining or "bull's eye" on the succubus sphere inside the heart muscle as there was when Kundalini arose from Her slumber two Sundays earlier. So, though this was welcome, and a sign of positive potential, it in no way approached a focus or intensity capable of expelling my unwanted spiritual partner.
That is all I wanted to say. I remain stuck -- a prisoner to a young girl's parasitic embed within me. I am concerned that as I grow older, my ability to break free will weaken. I fear that my mother will become ill or die, and I won't be able to be near her to provide support -- some 2400 miles from my home in Hawaii -- due the likelihood of deadly attack on my being from a girl who would much prefer to finish me off once and for all than endure this protracted stalemate. Will she relocate to my location in a year when she graduates from high school? My position remains precarious as long as this kernel of energy -- this deadly homing beacon -- lies within me.
In this voice memo I review a number of things.
One is how I don't feel like misrepresenting myself to God. I want to earn my freedom through fasting and a corresponding increase in etheric force. I don't want to act like I am head-over-heels in love with God and His Creation. I don't want to act like it is torture for me to be removed from God -- that I want nothing more to be in union with God. These would be lies. God's "blessing" of consciousness of subtle energy has been mostly a tribulation for me, as the world is so polluted. Also, this girl's subtle usurpation of my heart muscle, inasmuch as it has stopped my heart's higher functioning, has been, in many ways, welcome. My current employment is situated just a few hundred meters from a major cellular tower. I did my own reconnoitering of this school back in 1996 and gave it a solid thumbs down at the time on account of its hostile EMF exposure level. Becoming aware of it would likely lead to my having to quit my job again. That would mean twice in three years I left my position as a teacher due to an "illness" that mainstream medicine refuses to acknowledge. This would not be a wise career move. But there will be no career to salvage if I am dead, so I am in a pickle. Also, I neither own my own home nor have an EMF protected living space. With Hawaii's housing market on fire -- perhaps doubling in value these past two years -- I doubt I will ever be able to afford my own home here. At the very least I need to transfer to a school with improved EMF, then break free from her. I may not have ten years to wait this out. Also, my mother, who is overweight and understandably distressed at her older son's predicament, may not be able wait these ten years out, either.
Another subject of my entry are COVID zombies. There are reports that people are feeling "hollowed out" and not themselves after the mRNA gene therapy injections. I work with two previously dynamic female teachers at my school. Both have received two doses of the "vaccine." But after a summer of vacation, I see less "shine" in their faces, a notable tiredness in their demeanor and, in fact, signs of depressive states. There is a massive push in the media to convince half the public who refuses to take the shot, to take the shot. COVID passports and restrictions on movement and economic activity are being put into place in many countries. Pressure is mounting in the US to do the same. Why the rush? Why all the fear porn? If you can believe the numbers (hint: you can't), there is a 99.8% survival rate for anyone infected with the virus (that has never been isolated; and for which the testing and case number calculation are frauds). The chances for injury from taking the shot are much greater than what may happen via contact with the so-called "virus." Then there are the "variants" that are the adverse reactions to having been vaccinated being labeled as reactions to a new strain. The lies are endless. To be navigating my spiritual path amidst such a shocking assault on human DNA and health is truly hellish. Having to wear a mask eight hours per day when I need every bit of vitality I can muster to do battle against this internal vermin is beyond challenging. Truly I am up against it. God, please help me. I remain your humble servant, despite this girl's claims to the contrary.
Note
I did do an extended fast during a work week in April 2021, just a few months ago, from Sunday night to Saturday morning. The only Kundalini response was on day four, during math sometime after 10:00am, when I felt a small amount of energy stimulate the tips of my ears and my thymus gland. Not only was it minor, but it passed after just a few minutes. There was no increased energy support on Friday, despite my continued fasting. I broke the fast on Saturday morning, feeling disappointed. My body then was racked with heart racing and off beats for several hours. Always, ingesting food -- especially to excess -- is deemed to be a weakness by the succubus, and the spiritual laws that inform her behavior. Unless you are graced with a particularly miraculous intervention, you need to be in a contemplative state, at rest and focused on your internal world, in order to experience the maximum benefit from fasting. The more hectic and externally focused your schedule is, the less intense the internal cleansing will be -- whether physical or etheric -- that you will experience.
Another Fast, Another Bout With Death (June 2022)
What I write below is a rough draft. The stakes are higher now than ever, and my cognitive abilities are impaired relative to what they were just two years ago when I last made a significant fasting entry. In case I die in the near future, I wanted to put this out there so people at least had access to some of the "black box" data found at the crash site where my spiritual path impacted.
2022.6.12. 11:07am. Sunday. 209.5. Again, I am concerned about mental staying power. Starting six months ago there seems to have been a steady decline in my cognitive functioning. It is getting harder and harder for me to cohere and complete my paperwork; or, as is obvious, make these succubus entries. Up until about a week ago there had been painful expansions in my heart, attempts to break it from within. Like if I ate too much, which is frequently, there would be great pain from the center of my heart. Sometimes it would coordinate with pain centers from areas around the heart, like beneath it on the left side of my solar plexus, or farther down. None of those attempts to kill me worked. Now she is not controlling my heart so intently. There is more of a focus on a global shut down, especially of my mind. I will stand here trying to think, and if my hemispheres come together, or whatever note is struck when I enter a deep, creative mode, a pall will intensify over me that literally freezes me out of thinking. I will struggle with tremendous desires to lay down, overeat, masturbate, or whatever other strategy I might employ to ground me. I know it is her because there will be dramatic "lifts" of my mood where my etheric body all of a sudden has freedom and is allowed to breathe for a while. What I find is that I am able to engage menial tasks like organizing my room, do simple tax return calculations, and other such chores where my higher mind is taking a backseat. Like right now, though this particular string of sentences might only have taken me 4 minutes to engage, I felt her send a finger of energy from my heart up to my right medulla and glob on there, and then expand with moderate tension within my heart muscle. But she is distracted today and I have not been shut down completely, though that was her intention, for sure. Yes, these few sentences triggered a rising up within my heart to shut my mind down. That is her great goal these days, more than causing excessive heart beats. I would be willing to sacrifice some mental function for heart health, but I don't see improvement in the distended and disfigured appearance of the the leg veins. So I don't see a net benefit to any of this.
So again, there is this larger energy play going on. She's given up on entirely dominating my heart, and is working on restricting me more on a global level. It is hard to describe. There is this pall that goes through most of my day when she is attentive. It takes me 20% longer to do my 5 mile walk that I like to do when I have her dragging on me. I know she is there because if I shake my torso she responds with rapid heartbeats for a while. And, of course, the beats are stronger than usual, although oddly, less than half of the level they were previously. And when her conscious attention is absent, then I do my hike with a much greater sense of freedom.
I wonder sometimes whether this is her and God sort of allowing me a kind of equilibrium where I can live longer while she resides in me. But I don't think so. She seems to be trying yet another approach to snuffing me out. My heart has been too resilient to her overt attacks. She is going after my overall energy functioning. I am not sure how this works. I do know that when I have a strong K sound in my ears, and she wants to shut it down, she inflates herself within me. I have to pop my ears several times over the 30-60 minutes that it takes, adjusting to the differential in pressures. Then her work is complete. It's like she re-roosts within me in some way. I do know I feel super miserable as this is going on. It's like I am being subsumed by a ravenous etheric force over which I have no control. This went on this past week. She shut the K sound down for several days, then a few days ago, in the early am., like 1am or so, the dam broke and K started flowing again. Prior to that, I could hear it as a muted squeak in my right ear, and an eerie silence in my right.
I hope as I mope about that my delay in mounting an attack on her via fasting -- as I am sure she is expecting -- is leading her to false confidence and hunger to move forward on sealing her relationship with her chosen mate, the boy she gave her virginity to. I am hoping that various social expectations pressure her to commit more of herself to him. I want those social ties to become like a net. I know the feeling of not being watched and so tightly controlled. I need more of that. I would like to embark on my fast in that circumstance. But the fact that she has been so steadfast and attentive to me these past two years is concerning. She knows the importance of this connection and God's requirement that she be vigilant in maintaining her control. There is a struggle between the demands of her immediate world, and that 2400 mile distant etheric and sadly hostile connection to me. If I go a day or two with little interference (today is a decent day), I shall make a run for it and stop eating.
Brain decay. Yes, I am concerned about it. I am concerned about spike proteins entering me from vaxxed students and staff, doing whatever these toxins do. I have read that Ivermectin, that is supposed to neutralize them, is not without its own risks. I have grayed a lot this past year. I wonder about my exposure to the nearby cellular tower at school. But mostly, at this time, I am concerned about S's (the succubus' first name, coincidentally, starts with an "S") ability to reduce healing etheric energy from nourishing my brain. Much of my cognitive incapacity seems to be not of an organic nature, but of my being short-circuited or barred from necessary mental fuel. I am also concerned that prolonged loss of vital energy to my brain can itself lead to organic issues cognitively. And it is not just this shutting off of higher energy. Dozens of times daily (and nightly) she sends fingers of energy to my lobes, crown, and elsewhere in my brain to cause pain and harm. She spent 15 minutes straight yesterday molesting the center of my brain, which is unusual for her. What can she be up to there? Nothing good, in my opinion.
Again, routinely, there are times, day and night, where she spends an hour or longer cycling through various areas of my body: testicles, right knee, big toes, thymus gland, ears, brain et cetera, causing pain and deadening throughout. She is quite methodical about it.
I am concerned about entering a new school year with this matter left unresolved. Increasingly, her interference with me is becoming a greater hindrance to my professional role. I compare how I feel now with one year earlier, and my decline in mental functioning is marked. I blame her interference, but I cannot be certain what is the problem. I need her gone, that is for sure. But then, will I be able to work at my EMF-plagued site anymore? And if not, what then?
2022.6.13. 2:10pm. 87.8º in here. Ugh. Early afternoon yesterday, laying down on my back, I felt a shock at my stomach, then going up to the crown. It was less than a tenth of the force that the Holy Spirit utilizes, and it was going the wrong way; but it gave me a tremendous nausea that persists 24 hours later. S has been attacking the center of my brain, seeking, now that I can see it, a disturbance of my inner equilibrium. I looked at the computer screen last night and I felt a woosh of energy attack the center of my brain and head toward my eyes. I became nauseaous again and could not look at the screen. She focused long and hard on the center of my brain, causing me to become ill if I focused my eyes too much. I produced next to nothing, cognitively, again today. Why is God allowing so much havoc within me!?
Also, late last week, or maybe it was Saturday, but S struck hard at my thymus or just above my thymus with a wind of vibrational etheric attack energy. I was alarmed because it seemed to strain my heart some, so I shook and it stopped. She's never attacked right there before. For more than a week now she has shifted away from attacking my heart directly and is looking for other avenues to undermine me. It is grueling and yesterday she hit pay dirt. I don't think I could perform my job at school if she made me dizzy like that there, or when I am at home doing essential paperwork (and my job is half paperwork!). God help me. But God helps the brave and the daring, doesn't He? And just what or who have I been during this time? :(
I am concerned about how much more powerful within me S may become. She can she attack my whole cord of attention, crown to stomach, at once? It was a thin weak line when she did that, but it was enough to throw my precious inner equilibrium off, something she has never been able to do before. This waxing potency within me is definitely troublesome. I MUST fast and prove my worth again, going all the way this time.
2022.6.14. Tuesday. 208.8. Took two Trazodone last night. So I made it 106 days without.
2022.6.15. Wednesday, 5:35am. Weight 210.2. Day one no pills. My hope is to fast today. Yesterday, I had bouts of strong etheric stimulation to the mid and upper esophagus. Of note was a strong crawling, irritating "hunger" at my thyroid gland, which was a first. Later I had stimulation right behind my thymus, strong enough to get an acid reflux sensation there, making me want to eat or swallow the acid down. But apart from that, hunger sensations were manageable. It was ennui, boredom, and habit that drove me most of the time to consume.
Attacks Monday night had new and old elements. What is new these past few weeks is S has exited my heart some extent. Yes, she still controls it, but without quite the force of before. There are still these slices of etheric pain spires that shoot out of the heart in different directions, like a laser of death intent on putting holes in the heart. But this force bomb that waxed sometimes painfully when I ate food, is absent. She seems to have focused on launching herself out as an etheric envelope to operate more autonomously around my body. For example, a few days ago, she was able to cause hunger pangs from my thymus down to my stomach. It was like a blanket. Also, Monday night I felt a covering of etheric energy thrown over my head and arms, with an associated sensation of pin pricks of energy at my biceps and negative tension in my brain that made it impossible to calm to the point of sleep. Rather than triggering tension from various moves internally, she had amassed sufficient force to lasso and hyperexcite the upper half of my body. I felt this as a wave of energy literally thrown at me. She also made a feeling of anxiety appear at my solar plexus bindu point, but this appeared to be from just within my body, directed internally, rather than a ball of confounding energy sent from outside me.
I think it was Saturday, but again, that attack on my line of attention from my stomach to my crown, was devastating. It was a new level of bodily subversion. Even yesterday, a few days later, I was still queasy when looking at my screen, especially when she focused on disrupting the center of my brain, my inner ear, whatever balance mechanism you have that is thrown off when you spin in circles or otherwise become sea sick. This was deeper than the typical frontal line that involves the glands. This was the very core of "who I am," my sense of balance and purpose as an incarnate being. Very troubling.
I must say, the Trazodone really did the trick two nights ago. It really put a kibosh on my intruder's activities for a day or two. I was dizzy from the Trazodone for a few hours that morning, but that chemical dizziness was actually a relief compared to the dizziness she induces.
It is now 8:17am. I have been up for three hours and it is a miracle that I have not eaten yet today. I really don't know what it is. It is like I am being filled with a poisonous desire to reconcile with death. To not aspire to be free. To let this demon run havoc on my heart and mind. My thinking has been nearly paralyzed. It is that bad. The moment my hemispheres synch and I begin to create, there is a huge urge, like from my gut or solar plexus, to cease and desist, that comes in the form of desire to eat or distract with looking at sexually titillating images at Pinterest. It is a fundamental fracturing. It is abominable. When I am lucky, I have these moments of relative clarity that allow me to write like I am right now. But the frequency and extent of this global control, or subversion of my higher functionin, is truly unbelievable.
I weigh 210 pounds! I can EASILY go two weeks without food and it would be very healthy to do so. But I am buffeted with ennui, frustration, and the siren song that I can eat and get through this, even though my experience is that shoveling food in my mouth does NOTHING to improve my coherence and focus. The depth of my frustrations mostly correlates with whether or not this girl is focusing her attention on me. Which then demands the response that I break free, by any means necessary. My desire to connect with my mother, to give her a call on the phone, or just to engage the people around me on a higher level when I interact with them, all of these here-to-for spontaneous arisings of a body mind directed by the heart and spirit, are under unprecedented assault. And all of this dastardly funk started with this slow decline in my cognitive capacity, which I attribute to the slow erosion of energy that had always spontaneously been given to my mind, but that this girl/demon has been blessed to take away from me, in order to kill me or goad me to fight her off in a more permanent fashion, through an eruptive answering of my solicitation of God's Grace. God and she appear to be partnered in a final move toward my liberation or destruction. And liberation can only be achieved through her exodus from my bodymind. She must be exiled. Permanently. There is no other way. And I can't compromise anymore because the level of my mental functioning is truly, appallingly unacceptable. I can't do my taxes or keep up with my work expecations. I will have to quit my job if I am not able to extract more productivity from my brain, and this means that it needs the heart energy that appears to be denied it now.
It is 8:42am. I just shook as I felt a holistic etheric lesion on the bulk of my torso, felt on the outside of my body as tension along my rib cage, upper back, and abdominal muscles. Yes, that is it. There is an attempt to encapsulate me. It is an etheric straitjacket that this girl, through her subtle extension, is attempting to form over me. My only way out of this is to burst out from within, by igniting that center cord that she violated a few days ago, and seems to be leaving alone for the moment. Yes, there is an attempt to envelop me. I think it requires her full attention. I so wish she was compelled to be far more distracted than she is. Far more responsible for things outside of herself. But she is a renunciate like me, it seems, and I am feeding her. I have to get out of this tragic loop of destruction.
Again, I want to point to a recent episode where the area of my thymus was struck with a gale force etheric attack last week. I think she was hoping it would cause a heart attack. It certainly was concerning for me. I instinctively responded with a vigorous shaking of my torso to thwart her, which worked.
10:12am. Just now as I looked at the screen, I felt a small burst or breath of negative energy at my pineal gland or thereabouts and an associated mild wave of nausea. But my equilibrium reasserted itself and she was unable to maintain it. This is getting very serious. God has granted her this access because of ... my failings. Also, as I laid down and did some long slow deep breaths, stretching my left arm and chest in such a way as to loosen the tension across my heart, I felt a small sharp barb of etheric energy enter me at my left rib cage, just an inch or two from my heart. These attacks on the heart have been going on for a month or so now. These are new. It's a new tack she has taken. I must stand resolute.
12:19pm. Almost ate 30 minutes ago. Feeling increasingly nauseous here at the computer. I must maintain control of my inner line. This is a basic survival matter! I think she's been attacking my pituitary gland, as it is through that gland that Holy Spirit descends down through me. Or at least, that is how it was that night where I was last offered full bodied enlightenment. Anyway, just now laying in bed I stretched my chest and felt a tad of pleasure release from my thymus gland and within 30 seconds I felt a finger of negative energy scrunch up into it to deaden it again. I am under very tight control!
Also, the K sound became compromised beginning yesterday afternoon, and at this point it is crushed. Breathing in left ear consistently all day two or three days ago. All night long, too. I think this was the night before the attack and drug use. Anyway, barely K sound in right ear, just a squeak, and silence or fake heart beat bleating in left ear today. Lots of attacks on both ears. I shake hard, then stretch my torso fully and breathe in, feeling release of tension in my torso.
3:50pm. Dozens of small etheric shocks to heart today. She is a pulsing toxin within my heart. She wants my death VERY badly. I have to fast. I know what she wants. Each shock damages me. Just a month ago I was not subject to this, or at least not to this extent. God help me!
7pm. Just laid down for 30 minutes. Accomplished a lot this afternoon. Taxes. Organizing the boxes, et cetera strewn about the room. But very tired of the pain down my left arm, the weakness in my left arm, and the frequent attacks on my heart and surrounding areas. She means to finish this. So I laid down after showering for the fourth time today, to cool off mostly. First I did some stretches, with a focus on releasing tension in my pectorals and rib cage area. Twisting my body, arching it, and stretching out my arm above and to the side of me, helping me twist, as I laid on my side. Then I focused on my breath, with a good 10 -15 breaths in which I visualized light coming down into my chest and heart. (Now she is attacking my crown.) I felt my arm, chest, and heart light up in a positive way. Then, following my intuition, I concentrated with my pituitary gland (I assume that is the gland), on strengthening my entire body, like filling my whole body with healing, tightening, purifying current that grows taut and expels all that does not belong it. The base of my spine burst several times, and I felt again that burst of lightness and healing in my heart and throughout my body, not so much weight as it was tautness, like the muscles of a mountain lion as it tenses before leaping. Super dense and taut. As I did this I heard a pop in my right ear and a distant K sound grew stronger. I am on the right track. I must finish this this summer. As I fast, more energy will be made available to me. I will evict her by myself. I will not wait for God's permission. God will work through me and it will be done. That is my hope. I must will my body to expel her. Amen.
Weighed 208.2 an hour ago. I have not eaten since 8pm Tuesday (last) night. Coming up on 24 hours. It's been a hard 24 hours, but I am seeing and feeling fruits already.
I didn't feel any hunger till noon or so. Now another. Real hunger, but not a craving for food, a letting me know that my body is mine and is here for me and to fulfill the purpose God initially set out for it. Still, S is attempting right now to tap my right medulla. So it goes.
2022.6.16. Thursday, 10:00am. Day 2 no pills. Weight 203.4 at 5am. 203.9 now as I have been drinking more water. FASTING 1 day 14 hours since Tuesday night 8pm.
Succubus symptoms. K sound in both ears remained compromised till some time between 2am and 3am my time (5am and 6am her time) when she finally slept, apparently, and lost hold of me. Right ear is 80% back, and left ear maybe is 50% back. She has been latched onto my left ear like a pit bull. It was very loud last night. It is super important to her. As I laid down to sleep, S sent negative energy up to my crown and then forward to my eyeballs. This is the terrain of disruption that she wants to lay claim to. It causes me dizziness and makes the productive use of my mind impossible. Throughout the night, and off and on this morning, she sent fingers of negative energy to tap and shut down my right medulla, especially when she senses my hemispheres firing in synch as I write, like right now. (I guess if my writing comes from my left hemisphere, then tapping my right medulla is what you would do to dirupt that.)
Just before bed, a few times during the night, and three times this morning, I stretched my left arm up and behind me from a side laying position, twisting my body as I inhaled deeply, causing a deep stretch across my left side, rib cage, and brachial plexus. Then I did various visualizations of intensity, white light, coherence and so forth, associated with varying amounts of tingling, healing, directed energy.
By 8:15am I had engaged one round of stretches and visualizations, usually whenever I sense pain in my heart or taps to my brain -- or some other nuisance. I am concerned about damage to my heart and body. While I find it a distraction to have to lay down and deal with her, my focus usually has at least some positive effect. But more importantly, I engage these kriyas or defensive actions because I want God to know that I CARE, that I want His GRACE, MERCY, AND DELIVERANCE! Sometimes I think that this girl earns extra points for her tenacious and obsessive focus on me, while I am just trying to go about my life and carry on as if I am not under assault. I have time this summer to deal with her. Actually, I have just 5 weeks before I return to work, so I must make exceptional use of the time that I have.
There have been some bouts of dizziness this morning as well as heart racing which she did not engage much the past month.
11:15am. BPM 90. This has been going on for a few hours off and on, but I sense a more concerted effort on her part. S senses my making for the exit, and she wants to prevent it. Hard crashing off-beats every 10 or 20 beats. Now it is 11:27am and BPM is 80 with a stronger force of beat. It's more manageable, but I really am hoping to get some help in vacating her.
Anyway, getting back to 8:15am. I had positive Kundalini tension in my chest. Mom was home, as it turns out just for a short visit. There was positive tension and a clear, mild feeling throughout my brachial plexus. There was then a ball of tension 2-3 inches in diameter at my heart, that included the space that S occupies. It felt very good, in retrospect I think because it blocked most of the negative effects of this succubus anchor. It was there just a few minutes. Then that same ball of energy moved over to the thymus gland, engulfing it, and was there for a few minutes as well. It wasn't so much a charge it gave me, though I am sure that was part of it, but the main thing I felt was a clarification. I have all this energy at play in me, but much of it is negative, hostile, disruptive, aimed at death. This was the absence of that death focus. Kundalini has an emancipatory focus, and I think this was it. I believe an assessment was going on. Measuring my dedication and will to live, versus hers. I think that was what was going on. This was perhaps just an advance scout, with a much greater force being marshalled later on, if I am lucky. I hope God could see that I do not bear this girl or God any ill will or resentment. My heart is pure, or so I would like to think! I continue to struggle with raising a righteous anger in me. I just don't know enough to demonstrate such an emotion readily. I think that would be my main failing, if I have one. I did reflect yesterday more on how almost three years ago God showed this girl how to control my heart and she never complied. She chose to kill me rather than live controlling me. That was a choice I believe she made. It is partly due to the possibility that S could turn this around for the better that I have delayed this final battle. I was hoping that a relationship could be salvaged. But I think I made it clear to her and God that I didn't want to be under someone's control. I think this is very unusual for K to step in and do a serious analysis like this. For K to evict this girl once and for all may be quite a very serious thing for the girl. She might commit suicide or something as a result. Why else would she cling to her dominion so intensively? So God could not make a decision on the fate of two people willy nilly. We are both, I hope, exceptional aspirants. I don't know that this has ever happened before. This is very serious. I hope my heart and thymus measured up, despite these terrible succubus, EMF, and anesthetic traumas I have endured to this point. I am ecstatic to have a visitation so early on in my fast, just a day and a half. What is to come!? I am hopeful and expectant.
12:50pm. I laid down for 20 minutes because S caused tension at her location in my heart. It was more of a surface tension for which I wasn't sure of the cause, paired with a light etheric pressure from outside me near my left scapula. How the scapula was affected informed me that it was a pincer attack on my heart. So I laid down and did my stretches. I was laying there with my defenses down for a few minutes when she tried to send a wallop of energy into my solar plexus bindu point. It was another test of me, but I sensed tension and wrongness, so I tightened my stomach muscles against her and concentrated with my pituitary gland a strong "no." If I had allowed that wad of energy in, I would have been nauseous and disoriented. She has tried to maintain her false heart beat sound in the left ear, but it is weakening at this time, and my right ear is strengthening. I must remain vigilant. I hope she has distractions in her world. It would be so helpful if she did.
1:03pm. Now she is filling my stomach, or trying to. Thank God she is so far away. She is trying desperately to lay her claim on me. Perhaps she is fearful of God's impending decision. I know I do not want to die with this girl turning my entire psyche on itself. It is really too horrible for words. I have tasted enough of it to know what a full demise of this sort looks and feels like. It is unspeakable.
2:20pm. Waves of negative energy plow my brain, pushing me into nausea. Tightening and attempt at harming my heart, which remains remarkably resilient. Although, given the veins look in my right thigh in particular, I am afraid to see what kind of damage has occurred deeper inside me. It must be considerable.
2022.6.17. Friday, 1:30pm. 201.3. Weighed 200.4 upon rising at 6am. Took a pill last night. So I made it just two days. Fasting 2 days 17 hours.
1:30pm. My chin got hot and then my cheeks. She is going for complete ownership of my head. She needs to replace Kundalini entirely in me, then my death will be at hand. There is heat and discomfort in my chest. I just shook to find considerable tension in my solar plexus, especially along the sides below my rib cage. Earlier today I felt pin pricks in my right bicep which happens when S tries throws a lasso etheric energy like an envelope down over my head and chest. This is a new phenomenon, starting just in the past week or since she got out of school. She is getting more powerful. She has amassed quite a quantity of etheric energy that surrounds me like a black cloud that she can deploy at will.
She spent a longtime last night on my frontal lobes. I don't think I slept from 11:30pm till 4am or so. I took the pill at 3:30am. For that entire block of time S maintained a moderate to strong staccato beat in my heart. These harsh, organized beats were punctuated with regular off beats, that are characterized by a momentary pause (perhaps as long as the interval between beats), then a "crashing" beat that strikes my body with the force of two beats. She didn't sleep at all during that time. I might have been able to handle it without medication, but for ninety percent of this time she maintained a tap on my right medulla. Two or three times I stood up, cocked my head, and shook hard as I held my head and neck taut. This only worked for a few minutes, as her presence in my heart muscle is so firmly fixed, allowing her to reattach her subtle tentacles to my brain in short order. This caused an inescapable tension that made it impossible to sleep. My mind was sapped. I think I had visualized too much during the day, and so I didn't have much imaginative juice left by which to mount a defense. When she sensed the drug kicking in, which might have taken just 30 minutes, she didn't stop the beat control, or at least not for a long while. But the medulla tap was loosened, although to my horror she was able to reattach it briefly a few times. When I awoke at 6am, I was greeted by the same staccato beats that did not let up till 10am or so. I believe she was laying her claim to ensure that God did not come back to help me, or if He did, He would be prevented from doing so. Also, the lack of sleep, and my having taken Trazodone recently, meant that I was not in good shape to harbor an intense battle over my soul.
I had at least one real hunger pang. It didn't last long, but occurred where it should, dead center of my stomach. But S has tried very hard to have me eat, with several long crawling/stimulation sensations at my tonsils and the area of the esophagus behind my thymus and thyroid. Far worse is when I was hit with a serious artificial ennui a little after noon. It is impossible to describe. It is hopelessness, emptiness, or some other horrific feeling she can cause to my entire being that is often more successful than her typical stimulations in terms of making me eat. But I laid down and it passed. I think if I had more distractions, like school, I would have definitely eaten. These challenges are getting much harder to withstand.
Maybe it was 11am or so. But I was straining to focus on my computer screen and I felt a collapse of equilibrium in my eyes that caused a wave of nausea to pass through me. I continued to feel nauseous as I sweated from my forehead, back, underarms, et cetera. This caused me to take a shower. I don't know if it is a weakness in me that S's actions are causing; or possibly my body trying to expel the three Trazodone pills I have consumed in the past few days. I had the same revulsion due to Trazodone in my body when I was in California. The shit is super toxic. Relying on it does come with a price.
7:36pm. Driven to a 60 minute walk on account of dizziness persisting in just about anything in my studio, especially the narrowed focus on my computer screen. For the past hour there has been sustained stimulation of my right nipple area along with heart. Looking at the computer screen causes shocks to my heart.
8:26pm. I think this is K. It has continued and strengthens when I look at the computer. K wants a dedicated and focused mind. The dizziness is absent. S protested a few times with a shock or two to my heart and has been silent now for the better part of an hour. Praise God I did not eat today and went for that wonderful walk in the eucalyptus forest in the rain.
2022.6.18. Saturday, 5:35am. Fasting 3 days 9 hours. Weight 198.9. No pills day 1. The succubus is like a cancer within me.
9:06am. It's taken me three hours to write more. I have been beset with 60-70 sharp pains down my left arm and various attacks in and around my heart. It is critical that she control my brain, hence the last several days, she has maintained a noisy discordance (the echoing false heart beat sound, as I describe it) in my left ear. She does this day and night. It only stops when she is asleep or distracted by, I estimate, bathroom, phone call, family meal, and the like. When her activities or degrees of intensity change within me, I often reflect on what she might doing. I actually have a good understanding of her days from these etheric reads.
There is so SO much more to say. The taps to my right medulla area are ongoing. It is next to impossible to shake them off. The more entrenched she is in my heart, the more power she amasses, and the easier it is for her to orchestrate my demise with these various inverted Kundalini attacks. This has God's blessing, for now. It's an etheric challenge to me. Step up! Destroy her! It's survival of the fittest, and she is one fit... succubus? I don't know what else to call it. Succubi are mythical women who operate on the etheric plane and can destroy men. Well, if it walks like a duck! So I use "succubus," though it is laden with much hokey cultural garbage, because it's the closest word I have for her etheric projection -- or astral identity -- embedded within me. Her energy, in this form, is the opposite of Kundalini. Kundalini gives life. Succubus takes it away. Opposites are key to God's creation. They compliment each other.
Last night I didn't know what was happening. I think it was more likely her. As I felt her area of control in my heart, which feels like it has grown from what used to be a nickel in size to now a half dollar or greater. It is like it is four times the size now. Anyway, I felt this area of hers in my heart energized and at the same time a strange stimulation of my right nipple. But it didn't involve my thymus; and when I made a call to my mother, the energy greatly diminished. I became pretty irritable after 10 minutes on the phone. Her attacks on me throughout the night and this morning means, most likely, that it was not God after all.
I slept okay from 9pm till 1:15am, at which point she was up and stayed up, giving me a moderate staccato beat that was hyper regular and made my whole body shake with its repulsive rhythm. My carotid artery and whatever artery provides a pulse on the periphery of the right medulla were leaping out to my finger tips, the vibration was so great. It is like banging on piano keys with a shoe, or plucking a violin string way too hard. Still, it was not as harsh as the night before, but the vibrations combined with her sustained attack on my right medulla and occasionally the crown, made a calm mind next to impossible to arrive at. I got out of bed at 4:55am, happy that I had at least some sleep for the first four hours of the evening. I was hit with mild nausea looking at the computer screen, and the hard control beats continued on for some hours. Now it is BPM 80, but at least the beats are not harsh and reverberating throughout me as they were.
During the night I felt an etheric dart plunge into my right lower skull, right over medulla area she seeks to dominate. That was a first.
Where I go from here I do not know. God appraised the situation Thursday morning. Maybe He was here 10 minutes, evaluating the status of my heart and thymus, and this girl's claims on them. I have no idea how this will resolve. I did not know that she would gain in strength within my heart muscle. Does that mean that if I flee to Australia again, she'll retain much of her force because she is operating more natively in me, having coopted my internal chemistry so thoroughly? And my brain. That I need desperately for carrying out my special education duties, as well as filing taxes and other mundane matters. She has made serious inroads there. The prognosis is NOT good if I am made nauseous every time I focus my mind. That is an inversion of that system that I thought I owned free and clear. But I guess the heart trumps all, and she has it. If you lose your mind in such a malicious and overpowering way, through eruptions of negative energy from your own heart, that is a very bad way to go. I would not wish it on anyone. Knowing that this is what lies in store for me barring God's intervention, the stakes for this fast are higher than ever. My ability to function in this highly complex and challenging world is at a tipping point.
I had thought, possibly, that God was showing her last night how she might live in harmony with me. I thought that God might be doing some much needed chaperoning. He showed her years ago how to control me but not harm me so, and she chose to kill me instead. Maybe it was because I was unwilling to be controlled. That I would rather die than be someone's etheric plaything. I was thinking, maybe God is going to find a way to raise us up to a higher level of spiritual fulfillment, maybe transform her presence in my body to something benign and positive. But seeing the attacks the past nine hours, I don't think so, because I have seen zero changes to her behavior within me.
Even now (it's 10:23am) I try to focus, and I am into my fourth day of fasting (just distilled water), and though I am able to get some sentences down, I feel like I am writing through a haze. There is a tap at my neck and all around my right medulla and right ear. This tension and subtle obstruction is spreading to my right temple. She wants to consume my mind's functioning, and without God's radical intervention, she will have it. I think she can putter about her parent's home for a couple of years, completely engrossed in my destruction. She will not be 18, a legal adult in the US, till October. There is also a lot of heat and burrowing at my left scapula. The K sound in my ears is more restricted than yesterday. That hollow, echoing effect is there in both ears when I shake them, much more so in the left, identical to the sound you have when your ears are waterlogged and you shake the water out. It's an etheric dam being built around me, a dam that simultaneously siphons off my life force and productivity while blocking God's access. I think God has shown her the way to my acceptable demise. She must fully take over my being. My hope is that these incursions upward stop periodically and recede. But yesterday, as I drove about on some errands at 3pm, I felt detached, not myself, on account of a growing obstructive envelope about my being. It seems to be somehow self sustaining even when she is not paying attention to me. It is hard to describe, but it is highly concerning. She must cocoon me. And then that will be that. The pressure and irritation around my medulla is growing. This really sucks. I am willing to fast three whole weeks. Will that save me? I wonder how much this girl is crying and moaning to God that I ruined her life and that mine is owed to her. If she sobs enough, and I remain stoical, God may grant her wish.
1:30pm. Sharp small pains running down my arm. I don't feel it at my heart much, yet. Just now a large wad of attack energy hit my torso and solar plexus. I think I rebuffed it. I don't know much of it made its way in. I figure it was a good foot across. This must be what she lassos my head and shoulders with at night, if she can. She is less focused on past strategies now, because they have not brought my end quickly enough (e.g., etheric holds of my medulla; rapid and harsh heartbeats for several hours at a time). But she is going all out now. And am I steeped in meditation and prayer, begging for Divine Release? No. I am doing my taxes. But a few times today I did put my feet up on the wall; and because I was in a vulnerable position, with my frontal line exposed, I held my solar plexus taut and with my mind calmly and earnestly asking for Kundalini's intervention, that I lay in wait for Her, God's Active Principle. I took this route, just a firm, and coherent mental request, because my effort to send or attract positive energy into my heart and torso fell flat. It didn't feel right. Maybe the attacks and so forth had weakened that avenue temporarily. Whatever the case, God speed!
7pm. Got back from an hour walk nearby, walking up through a cool, heavily forested area that protects from the sun, even at midday. It was slow going. My energy reserves are dropping. Still, I should think that I can do a slow walk for an hour in nature every day, just to give my eyes a rest from this computer, synch my body and mind with the wonderful rhythmic action, and get my fluids moving within me. I weighed 198.4 afterwards. I will have fasted 96 hours, or four days, in one more hour. I dropped my guard for a few minutes while walking, and I felt a swoosh of energy enter my solar plexus and plow its way to my face. Luckily I didn't grow disoriented or dizzy. I made my stomach taut after that. I must not forget that I am at war, and that a relaxed solar plexus bindu point leaves me open to this antagonist. To sunder this unwanted connection will literally take an act of God. I am managing, but by no means in the clear. God help me, please.
2022.6.19. Sunday, 6:20am. Fasting 4 days 10 hours. Day 2 no pills. Weight 196.6 this morning, but dehydrated.
For the last hour and a half I have felt mildly dizzy and miserable existentially. There have been a good ten mild shocks to my heart. And that unctuous movement upward to reestablish herself in my brachial plexus, thymus and thyroid glands. It is a feeling of suffocation when my chest is overrun by this toxicity. She must be tooling about in my head as well, hence the dizziness. I had a crying spell at 3am that opened up my thyroid. She is globbing onto that gland right now, burying it with her disgusting presence.
I felt very uncomfortable as I sought sleep last night. I don't know how long it took. Maybe I had a dream after laying there for two hours. But maybe not. I don't recall clearly. She had a control beat going for a good 30 or 45 minutes; but the discomfort was deeper than that. She had to have been making moves deep within my brain stem; this would account for the tension and mild anxiety I feel there. The heart control persisted in various intensities throughout the night, but it along with the medulla taps were only half as bad as the night recently where drove me to take a sleeping pill.
At 3:00am I was laying in bed. I was in the throes of an obnoxiously strong beat. During the last big fast two years ago I responded by placing my feet on the wall, doing breathing exercises, and visualizing my heart being illuminated or cleared by a descending light, heat, or force. One night I had several direct hits where the heart was touched by the energy I had triggered or directed. These resulted, I believe, in God's showing up the next morning in a big way. But at 3am last night I had no juice. I had only the most feeble of "sparkles" of healing energy appear in my torso. It was only ten percent of the force I was able to bring to bear a couple of days ago. Has my dizziness and her gumming up the deepest part of my brain (hence this ongoing nausea) impaired this ability? It would seem so. With my brain weak and compromised, I was moved to have a good cry. I begged God for forgiveness. I begged God to heal this girl. I apologized for harming her -- that it was never my intention to harm her or not serve God. I begged God to make us whole, if that was possible, to enable a healing of her, so that we could be joined and know God. I begged God, if this healing were not possible, to remove her from me, and allow me to move forward in my spiritual quest to embody Him. As I cried, I was tense throughout my frontal line. My lungs were tense. There was a moderate flow of tears. Along with this tension I felt pressure and mild release in my frontal lobes. And energy came down through my thyroid and mildly to my thymus and heart. This went on for 10-15 minutes. My nose all of a sudden became clogged with mucus. Maybe I was forcing the succubus deeper into me? God help me if that is so. But given the disorientation, dizziness, lack of vim, and zero Kundalini support this morning, it seems like nothing good came out of this effort. Maybe this will improve with a day or two more of fasting. The K sound in my ears is weaker now, too, more gummed up with her unwanted etheric pressure. I lay in bed after the cry. Had I not cried hard enough? Was my feeling not strong or sincere enough? Maybe, like before, I was given a 95% or solid A grade, but not the 97% A+ grade required for redemption.
7:25am. After two hours moving about and infesting my chest, throat and head, she is back to harsh control beats, which I prefer because it doesn't affect my mood and intellectual output nearly as much.
9:28am. Very concerned. A short while ago I walked about the grounds surrounding my rental, and all I could hear in my left ear was echoing feedback from the vibrations of my foot steps conducted through my bones and the succubus' pulsing false heart beat that also seemed to reverberate or echo off my ear drum. The two hours of grueling feelings I endured earlier this morning were on account of S inserting herself even more deeply into my head. This appears to be her current mission: to completely dominate and undo my mind. It is horrendous. What does the end result of such a destructive aim look like? Does my consciousness shut down? Is my psyche split asunder? How can she effect that? I think over time she will be able to invert and destroy God's creation (with His blessing).
God is cutting me loose. I am an expired product. I have failed. That is my fear. She has her whole life ahead of her. God sees that I have been given a chance, 28 years living with active Grace within me, but denying its conclusion. And now, denying it so forcibly as I did, which lead to this girl's demise spiritually. I must be sacrificed.
10am. Left ear popped. She must constantly reapply pressure, or at least she went too far to maintain in this current move.
10:30am: I feel growing tension in my chest, now rising to my chin. These areas are under her control now. God won't touch them. Or will He? It seems like the verdict is that my mind is what is wrong, the guilty party. So that is her mission and it just may be ordained by God. My mind has failed to sacrifice itself to Him with Grace. If my very psyche is destroyed from within, that must be worse than EMF hyperactivity from excessive Grace at work in my chest. So that gamble I took leads to this disastrous outcome. Merciful Lord! She is pounding on my heart with harsh beats, sending more and more negative energy to my frontal line. It appears that it is this area first, then, having conquered that, back to my inner workings again at the center of my brain. She has never done this before, certainly not here in Hawaii. She is gaining exceptional ground. She must be locked in her room all day every day to get this done.
I am concerned that I cannot moderate her movements like I once could. She is practically entirely inside me now. The attacks upon me are now almost all from within my body, rather than the ethers from without. My kriyas have little effect. She comes back much more rapidly. Two years ago I would be able to put my feet up high on the wall, inhale deeply with arms stretched overhead behind me with back slightly arched and back muscles tensed, then exhale slowly as I brought my lightly clasped hands down to my groin, and in so doing reduce the force of beats as well as break up the etheric cloak about me. Now, my internal issues are much less moderated by this. I frequently feel zero etheric obstruction about me that I must cut through. It is absent. She doesn't need the additional energies from without me. She has enough inside to accomplish her mission, or so it appears and so she thinks.
You would think that on day five of a water fast my ears would be clear and screaming God's tune, but they are not. My right ear is blocked 25% and my left ear 80% or more. My concern is that using acts of physical austerity are no longer sufficient to cleanse this higher order malignancy. She is taking over more of my heart, yoking it to her intention. In the past she harmed the heart but didn't draw from it to this extent. Time is a factor. You do not want to wait three years to expel such a creature.
I am concerned about my ongoing dizziness and psychic disorientation. I feel not present, like I am looking out through a haze. It's a half life, en route to zero life, quite possibly.
I am waiting for things to get better on this fast and they have not, at least so far. God measured me Thursday morning, three days ago. What was His assessment?
This girl is obsessed. She can taste my conquest. "TAKE HIM DOWN!" is her overriding desire. This is her summer fun. This is the relaxing pastime of a 17 year old succubus: destroying an old man's psyche. Great joy and satisfaction undoubtedly will come to her if she gets what she wants with this.
11:30am. Repeatedly over the past several days I have felt unusual tension in my hamstrings. I have never experienced this before. It's not a muscle strain in a narrowly defined area. It is like the entire backside of my thigh. I am talking about the whole mess of sinews and muscles from knee to butt under my femur. It is on both sides. I do deep squats to remove it. But then it comes back. I don't know if this is Kundalini, drawing energy here to help me; or S making a similar draw, but in order to destroy me; or perhaps, and this is an outlier, this is what the miracle of fasting feels like when these areas are cleansed. I will say that I have had enormous amounts of deep dark golden yellow urine that I have never seen before. In the past it might be dirty and it smells. But this is a deep lustrous gold color. I listened to one doctor who says when he puts his patients on a particular blood cleaning machine (with ozonation and other filters applied to your blood as it is drawn and reinserted), he stated that some patients have a quart or more of "yellow sudsy material" removed from their blood. Could this be that? I wonder what new toxins are being sprayed on or introduced to the food supply to account for this. Or is this the product of spike protein exposure? Five days now and it is still ongoing. But now my tongue is becoming coated in earnest. Real cleaning is happening now on day 5 of my fast.
2:00pm. S has been savagely attacking my thyroid, tonsils, thymus, invading my chest, causing acid reflux in different areas of my esophagus, leaving my brain mostly alone, and right now appears to be taking a break. My huge question is this: What is going on with the extraordinary etheric tension in my hamstrings and now today for the first time my thighs and some signs of the same in my calves? I am concerned. I am always concerned. :) She seems to be at such a mad dash about this. She's got all summer for this, so why the rush? God's given me to her, right? My death is a certainty, or is it? I did several deep knee squats, just hunkering down in a fetal position with my buttocks nearly touching the floor, flat against my heels and calves. It felt good. There was etheric tension throughout my knees, too, which is CRAZY. Though I can relax into it, and release this tension, it seems to come back so easily. Like right now, the force of my heart beats is just slightly above normal, yet the tension masses down there. This girl is now forcing herself again into my chest and thymus. I guess she really has to focus on that, so the heart beat is not a top priority. What the fuck is this? There is a cord of attention from the left hip going diagonally near the skin's surface and then plows through the rib cage and on to my heart. Has she discovered a way to sap my body's strength -- my entire body? If God's given her a thumbs up to kill me, and is so impressed with her dedication, and owing to the distance problem that I created for her, has He enabled this girl another means to derive the force required to put an end to me? That is my fear. But is it just enough to meet the threat that my fast poses and that I still have a chance of victory if carry on with this? She is acting within me with greater force than I have experienced in these islands 2400 miles away. So that is my best guess. There is also a chance that this exceptional tension going from my heart to my left hip, that apparently is vacuuming up all the subtle energy my legs can offer, is being used to moderate her efforts. The wild thing is that I just don't know for sure. God speed!
This is a spiritual autoimmune disorder. My body is, with the succubus pulling the strings, being made to attack itself.
2:40pm. My biceps, chest, and even my shoulders for crying out loud, being all taut with a strange etheric tension. What is going on? Now I am feeling some stimulation of my frontal lobes and a slight nausea as I look at the screen.
6pm. I am fairly sure this whole body etheric tensing is a new power God has enabled for this girl. She needs more juice to kill me and God has given all the energy my body has available to destroy me. I just squatted to my feet to reduce the persistent tension in my groin and hamstrings, but now I've kicked off great heat around my ears and medulla. Tonight may be the night. She is moving in on the prize of my brain and she needs all of this energy to crack it, to destroy it. There is a smidgin of a chance that if I survive a few more days that God may rescue me. I would like to think that all of this is play, a test, to the very end. But maybe I will be recycled back into the ethers this evening. My face is hot. The breathing in my left ear has been strong and persistent for many hours. This is the opposite of whole body enlightenment. How extraordinary that is, this is horrific in equal measure. Yin and yang. It is what it is. Now it is over my eyes and eye ridge. She is a cloak surrounding me like a body bag, because that is what it is. Weighed 196.2 after an hour walk. But no spiritual relief in sight, though I have fasted for 4 days 22 hours. I hope and pray I make it to tomorrow. I will upload this very rough draft to my website now, just in case. Writing on the wall, and all that.
To all seekers who come after me: Prepare your EMF safe dwelling in advance! And if your body is awakened like mine through Grace, but you haven't gone that final step to give your mind over to your heart and to God, then you better not encourage or allow a spiritually empowered woman to merge her soul with yours!
7:30pm. It feels like my crying, which I did again on my walk, is working in reverse, enabling her to extend her reach into me. Nothing inherent works for me anymore. I have had so few real hunger pangs. It is like she has squashed that organ or capacity with her additional energies. Right ear is 80% blocked now, and left entirely, which the crying made worse.
2022.6.20. Monday, 5:28am. Fasting 5 days 11 hours. Weight 194.4. Took sleeping pill last night at 12:30am.
I tried my best a few times last night to send vibrational light and healing down into my heart, and the effort was a dud. Barely a ripple of sensation made it down there. She could be disrupting this in a number of ways. She has moved into my head more. After my strongest attempt, she sent energy up to the top of front middle portion of my frontal lobes and put her wet blanket of etheric energy to stop whatever process I employ to do this. I wonder as well that with her increased dominion over my heart that I am losing my connection to it, my ability to communicate to and effect it.
These harsh staccato beats are really a problem. It's like a woodpecker going at it on the trunk of my inner being. It is something I can tolerate when I am awake, but they cause concern and tension in my mind that prevents sleep. Though the Trazodone pills make me nauseous and give me cold sweats every few days as my body rejects their ingredients, they do flatten psychic activity in my head, and do much to reduce her actions within me. However, when she chooses to, she can push hard with the beats even as the drug takes effect. Luckily this does not happen often.
Already today I am encouraged because I am able to write right now. And I was able to get some sleep after 1:15am when the pill kicked in. A little poison is worth it, especially when I seemingly don't have God to back me up anymore.
Yes, I think this whole body tap she is capable of, that I have never before experienced, was gifted to her by God after his assessment of the two of us four days ago. I am wondering whether even the blessing of Kundalini awakening is being undone now, as my body falls into disrepair. That is, after awakening, my entire body was harnessed to support subtle secretions and energy being sent, primarily, to my brain, to further its development. Whatever energy sustenance my thighs, knees, calves, lower back, and so forth are capable of producing, she is taking it all in now, leaving me in, if not death mode, then bare minimum life support. I do think of that artist's rendering of this matter, where the succubus, straddling her supine monk, is sucking all of his energy out till he dies. It is a horrific consideration. From 3am till 5am I felt unusual tension in my legs, groin, buttocks, and lower back. I didn't try to fight it with flexing as I wanted sleep.
Even as occasional shocks to my heart are ongoing, with pain at my left elbow and bicep when this happens, I move forward into the day full of hope. I want to live. I pray that God grants me at least that. And I pray that he allows me the functional use of this brain to succeed as a modern adult in a complex world. There is so much that I need it for. Amen.
6:30am. It was quiet for an hour. She must have been preoccupied. Then I was hit with a burst, a frenzy really, of staccato beats that have become less intense 15 minutes later, but are persisting. It is my great hope that she has a child, gets a job, or is otherwise forced to attend to the world around her. I desperately need an 8 hour break each day from her attacks. My fear is that she plans to kill me before assuming any adult like duties.
7:15am. I had pain twice at the center of my heart from the staccato beat she has maintained. This is a first, or I have no clear recollection of this happening before. Her drilling work, that she is so eager to pursue, is hitting pay dirt. This is the death drum march I have been set on. No sign of God or any etheric support today.
7:30am. The staccato has moderated. Maybe she is not allowed to kill me? I hope!
I am concerned that I have not really had any hunger pangs thus far during this fast. There might have been one -- a day or two in -- but I think that is it. She appears to have sabotaged my internal force and identity. The staccato beats continue at 8:30am, but they are not as forceful as earlier. My urine continues to be this deep golden fluid that does not smell and looks rather appealing. It just seems so different from what I recall of earlier detoxes I've had via fasting. I had sufficient energy for a three mile walk yesterday with 540 feet of elevation gain. Granted I stopped once to wash off, but it still took an hour, so it was a leisurely pace. I wonder when Kundalini or more robust hunger pangs will kick in. My initial plan was to fast 21 days and then stop, even if the succubus remained implanted. I do think I've shifted into a critical category, where this girl has rights to my body now. Her claim appears to be of a higher order than the one made by fasting. Perhaps an agreement or expectation was made: You have him as long as you don't kill him. All torture short of death is fair game. That is the likely verdict. She draws energy from all over my body at will, and my body and my brain are her playhouse. Still, I am a hopeful person. Maybe at some point this fast will trigger a spiritual purge. Or something will shift in her life where I am no longer at such risk, and so continuously harassed. Maybe she will suffer from COVID vaccine injury. Maybe having a child will change things. My plan is to live, first. Knowing God comes second. So I choose to live at this time. I will ferociously fight to live. I just spent five minutes in the sun, wearing only briefs. It is amazing to receive that energy. It is far better to be a part of creation, than not. I pray that my life continues.
2022.6.21. Tuesday, 4:45am. Weight 193.4. Fasting now 6 days 9 hours. Day one no pills.
Much to report. One is that I am not seeing the intense physiologic cleansing on this fast that I did two years ago. I believe that this entity coopting not just my heart, but my physical body now, is somehow thwarting it. Yet I continue to burn calories, respirate, even take one hour walks with 540 feet of elevation gain daily. The poisons in me have to go somewhere. My urine does not look or smell befouled. It continues to appear as a deep golden hue that I don't recall seeing before. It is not cloudy or obviously full of "stuff." I'd like to have a lab analyze it, but a lab typically cannot isolate particular chemicals or other toxins unless they know what they are looking for to begin with. Without that information they can only give me basic elemental figures. I am feeling better, though, oddly as it seems. I look better in the mirror, and despite my inner contagion, I am infusing this body, with God's help, of course, with more lightness and goodness. I am feeling more coherent and more "me." Though this entity, this succubus, this inverted woman's subtle aspiration has breached the walls closest to my very self-consciousness housed in a little sphere in my head, and is more deeply embedded in me than ever before, I am evincing more calm, optimism, and health than I have in several months. I will carry on with this fast.
My tentative plan is stop at 21 days if nothing is achieved in terms of eliciting God's support. I am anxious about embarking on another year of teacher under the Draconian Hawaii COVID regulations (masking, keeping six feet away from others, and endless testing and pressure to get injected) with this internal conflict still unresolved. As I get sucked into the whirlwhind of people and students and mountains of paperwork, I lose my bearings spiritually. I don't have the time to attend to my inner needs. My weekends are a grind of legal compliance paperwork and lesson planning. The succubus, if not productively occupied elsewhere (e.g., boyfriend, job, schooling) will seize upon this and drag me down. I don't mind the heart drumming nearly as much as her undermining my mental functioning, slowing my cognitive functioning -- much needed for "IEP" document preparation -- which places my employment at risk. I utilized a good dozen sick days out of my limited leave bank these past six months to get this paperwork done. I only barely survived the last year. I can't tolerate a further decline in my abilities.
Despite all this, I remain strangely optimistic, almost content. I am doing my best against a very potent adversary. What more can I do? She seems to have blocked Grace and some of my more potent meditative capacities. In my head, I know, KNOW, that we are all one with God. What more is there to do? Emotional pleading doesn't feel right at this time, or at least it is a great effort. I do pray to God several times a day, begging for release, assistance, Grace, et cetera. I shed a tear or two when I do. It is heartfelt, though only a small display. There were several times yesterday that as I did my walk -- or carried out my household and tax preparation duties -- I felt unusually good. I held my solar plexus taut most of the day, breathing kept to a minimum, and I was able to use my mind more fully than usual to work at this computer and organize boxes and things that still need tidying after my relocation to this studio rental in early January.
I've tried to direct energy, or call upon capacities above my head, to bring light and healing to my heart. But these past two weeks, especially, this has been compromised. I think a major escalation and achievement for this girl occurred when she sent energy into my solar plexus bindu point that went straight to my stomach and then went straight up to ping my crown. There was some level of my functioning that she accessed -- and compromised -- that day. I immediately became nauseous and strangely disoriented. I didn't feel like "me" anymore. I felt like I was looking at the world through a film. When I interacted with people, I didn't feel the solidity and certainty of knowing and feeling my identity. Whenever a turned my head or looked at my computer screen or attempted to concentrate, I was beset with nausea. All of these adverse symptoms are improved 80% at this time, though slight nausea persists. I attribute this to the increased clarity that 6 days of water fasting gives you. But she retains those keys; she has that access. I have more coherence and inner strength than normal on account of this austerity. But school resumes before the end of July. What then? Unless something shifts in my favor, I will be a sitting duck, unable to attend to her disruptions, focusing earnestly on my school work, probably eating more than I should. I hope to Heaven that I am not beset with persistent nausea and dizziness at that time. It would be a disaster. I did not have this issue the preceding six months. It was hard enough carrying on with my life without it.
There are a few symptoms to report from yesterday. One relates to the great hunger pang that defines a core aspect of our energetic functioning. I am in my seventh day of fasting. Yet I have had only one or two brief, and muted, hunger pangs. Yesterday's was a mere five seconds, and it was weak. While this certainly makes going without food easier, I am concerned with its cause. The succubus appears to have laid claim to a path from my stomach through to my crown now. This has arisen in just the past two weeks. I had hunger pangs a month ago, after just 17 hours of not eating, that were five times stronger than what I felt yesterday. And they lasted longer. I think she can dampen these bodily signals of mine now. But here's my question: Will fasting another two weeks do anything to tip the balance of this internal control she has established? Will I -- and my body's will to live, to eat, to breathe -- in the end overpower her?
Body taps. This has been ongoing. I complained of extraordinary spinal taps of the lower half of my spine when I was still in close proximity to her, three years ago. It was painful even to move. But they haven't been this bad since moving 2400 miles away. It seems that God, and her recent breaching of one of my innermost levels of functioning, has enabled some new, supercharged access to energy within me. I don't want to even think of where such a capacity can lead to. It is frightful. I have had extraordinary tension in my groin, inner thighs, hamstrings, quadriceps, lower back, sometimes in my calves, and even my biceps and shoulders. She fleshed it out pretty fully a few days ago when I saw what this new capacity enables. Then there is the pathway to bringing all this subtle force back into her. I am discovering some of how this works. I've already found a cord -- I don't know if it's nervous, lymphatic, or circulatory -- connecting near the heart down across the rib cage down my left hip. Then yesterday, I felt a crazy snapping sensation of a length of tissue connecting my right hamstring to my right calf. As I hiked, the walking motion caused it to snap uncomfortably. I continued walking with an excessive kick and the snap released after a few minutes. It was a cord with a wad of etheric tension globbed onto it. Those ethers, that intention, is foreign to my body. My leg felt much more relaxed and movement was freer when the lesion left. With the hip to heart lesion, I knew it was a problem because it was taut. It was like I was pulling on a violin string that had been strung too tightly. I could feel the subtle tension. I pulled and kneaded it, and when I did this she caused my heart to misfire a few times in protest, then the tension was gone. How the rest of this etheric parasitic system works I am still finding out. The question is, without God's help, do I have the means at my disposal for overcoming this?
Last night she sent energy that encircled the boney mass that my right ear is attached to, followed by a sharp spire an inch or two long that went directly into the ear canal and shut down the Kundalini ring tone to just 5% capacity. This is a new level of insult. For the past three years she would zap the ear canal, but it was always from a more external position. She has never before been able to penetrate the ear canal with such precision and effectiveness. It is heartening to hear God's tune played in me. When I don't hear it, I am more apt to feel desperate and isolated. The sound is a tiny bit stronger now. The left ear is pretty much a lost cause. I can dimly make out some coherence, but I am not able figure out if it is God's or my own native tone.
The staccato beat sends energy to her through this amrit nadi pathway or portal that we share. So it is not just hate or a desire to kill. It is a subtle pump that tranmits energy to her.
Yesterday for a good four hours she was absent, to a rare degree. I think she was with her boyfriend, who she owns, which hasn't happened in months. The heart rate was elevated maybe 10 BPM more than what it would be without her, but there was no overt manipulation. I continued to hold my solar plexus taut. I was beginning to feel a bit more free. In the hour or two before bed, there were some efforts to cause more rapid beats and off beats, but they were weak, maybe carrying just a third of the wallop that they normally do. This continued as I laid down to sleep at 8pm. The unwanted vibration throughout my body was manageable. I had felt zero etheric probings since the beginning of her sexual immersion. She maintained the staccato beat, though muted. There was ongoing tension in my groin and lower back especially that repeated squats did little to ease. I believe that when having sex her etheric body is focused mostly on this young man, with little available for me. If she has sex to exhaustion, which I doubt is possible in just four hours for her, then she needs time to recuperate. It was not till maybe midnight that I felt the first etheric darts hitting the surface of areas surrounding my heart (mid-back and rib cage). Also, the heart manipulation had intensified. When I sleep, I must breath more fully and relax my solar plexus. But I think she was mostly refueled by her pulling energy from my own body. I had hoped yesterday that a lengthy water fast, along with my other austerities, would shut this girl down. As I felt the heart presence become more muted, I thought that I was on the right path, that this was my route to eradicate her. But now, perhaps as a consequence of her breaching my stomach to crown pathway, she has been awarded the tap of my entire body so that, even if she gives herself fully to another man, and lives out her life with him, she will still be able maintain a viable presence in me, and gather tremendous subtle force within me, without the need for support from afar. This means that I am a prisoner for life, and she can do what she wants. If this is the case, then fasting is irrelevant. But being the eternal optimist, I refuse to accept this. I fast to test this theory. I hope to prove that fasting is in fact sufficient to remove an entrenched and hostile subtle being. Plus, I had several episodes of "feeling good" yesterday. You know them when you have them. Your core, the totality of you, informed by your highest discrimination, are telling you that you are doing the right thing. These aspirations are pointed at my emancipation. So I am convinced that I am moving in the right direction. There is hope. I just have to keep doing what I am doing. God speed and amen!
8pm. 90 BPM for over three hours now. She means to kill me. There were some attacks within the heart that were concerning. They felt like a spasm. There have been no signs of God yet. There has been heart drama and etheric attacks all day today. No breaks.
2022.6.22. Wednesday, 5:10am. Fasting 7 days 9 hours. Weight 191.4. Day two no pills.
The succubus started this morning with 20 minutes numbing my thymus and thyroid glands. Now she is back to staccato beat control, but much milder than usual. Usually the numbing is a prelude to an attempt to kill me. Numbing these glands (centers for love and sadness, respectively) makes it difficult to contact Kundalini, that responds most readily to earnest emotional pleadings. At 4am I awoke to find, for the first time in several days, a clear Kundalini sound ringing in both ears. The left ear might be 20% compromised, but the right ear appears unobstructed. And I noted in the heart beat that the girl was fully asleep, finally, I guess waiting till 7am her time to turn in for the night. What a good, devoted nocturnal creature she is.
5:20am. I had another heart pain, somewhere in the left and upper area. The pain started in the afternoon yesterday. It's all these staccato and missed-beat-slams that she does, now combined with energy pulled from a large area of my body. Yesterday I felt a long taut nerve going over the top of my left hip. It snapped when I tugged on it. After some massage the tension normalized again, no longer burdened by an etheric overlay. This nerve appeared to be part of the mechanism bringing a considerable amount of energy to her from my groin and legs. While I am sure other mechanisms or routes are employed, this particular one is certainly part of it. The succubus also did a couple of almost muscular contractions within the very heart muscle itself. The size and force of these were novel. I am so disappointed that God has given her access to a whole body tap, and seems to have withdrawn Kundalini's support for my body, that used to manifest, typically, as various blocks here and there to help mitigate this girl's actions within me.
Yesterday was a horrendous battle. All day long. I must have squatted to the floor and held my position curled up and fetus-like, with my heels and buttocks touching, twenty times. I found that this works well to reduce the force of her beats. Sometimes it interrupts her concentration and the forced beats don't come back for several minutes. Given that I am still heavy (12 pounds over my high school weight), and I have a partially torn ligament in my left knee, I don't tolerate squatting too well. So I would hold the position just 2-3 minutes and then shift to sitting at the edge of my bed and lean over with my head below my knees. Given that I have a persistent lower back tap, both of these positions help. The tension is so hard to dissipate. The strength of the tap varies. My groin region appears divinely tapped for her benefit, as well. There is no way this etheric tension can be maintained even when she is not attentive, unless another party, our Creator, has gifted this area and energy source to her.
The various heart battles went on from 5am till 10pm. That is 17 hours. It was really quite something. While I was able to complete my state and federal taxes for a prior year, scan the finished paperwork, and mail the two envelopes to Utah and Sacramento, this effort was punctuated with dozens of pauses to moderate this internal drain and abuse of my heart.
6:15am. I am unbelievably exhausted right now. I can barely stand up, and it is impossible to focus. I laid down briefly earlier and all of a sudden I felt much more clear and energized. Then it dawned on me: The succubus must be placing a blanket of negative energy over me, or otherwise undermining my core central nervous system functioning, due to her fear that Kundalini may show up today. If I am laying down, K may be a no show. Kundalini likes an aspirant who stands upright and takes Her medicine without running for cover.
I laid down for bed at 7:45pm. I placed a few lines of organic essential oils of eucalyptus, peppermint, and tea tree on my legs, arms, head, and neck, and then opened up my digital reader, getting back into someone's hiking memoir of the Appalachian Trail for a few minutes, then shifting to an account of hyperinflation in Zimbabwe, and then finishing with one of several books I own documenting the purposeful fraud and nefarious agenda behind COVID injections, lockdowns, and surveillance. At 8:10 I was hit with an upward wave of energy that blew through the center of my brain, making me nauseous and telling me it was time to go to bed. Lights out and laying in bed, the heart trauma continued, with one of the off beats hitting paydirt and causing a twinge of pain. For the next 90 minutes, until I fell asleep, the girl's basic staccato beat was able to elicit a feeling of bruising and weakness a few times in the left middle portion of this wonderful muscle. I was laying on my left side, contracting slightly against her unwanted activity in me, as my heart registered a dull weakness and pain.
The unusual heart pain led to two hours in the middle of the night of contemplating the direness of my predicament. I've been abandoned. This is it. Despite so many excellent qualities, the karmic demands of cause and effect at the etheric level require that my body dies. I failed. I had many chances. I was intransigent. Arrogant. Weak. "Sorry dude, time to be recycled back into the earth. Let the next guy try." It's very hard to move forward with this mindset, this understanding. My mother is nearly 80. We are close. We talk by phone every day. Will I die before her? That would be a tragedy for both of us. Multiple times a day I apologize to God, try to explain my side. I tell Him I wish to be His servant and for my body to be His vehicle, a palpable manifestation of Holy Spirit in this world. But there isn't much emotion in my voice. It is a message from my mind, possibly squeezing out a tear or two by the end if I do it well.
So it is 7am now. Where is God. Where is His Agent of Action in and beyond this material world, Kundalini? She is a no show. I think I will lay down a bit. I've had several small pains in the heart and the staccato beats continue, chipping away at my life force. I am into day 8 of the fast. I think God was making His presence known by now, during my last long fast two years ago. But I am in different territory now. The succubus has embedded herself much more deeply into me, and has accessed parts of me that she was unable to do two years ago. And I have frittered away two years with working and teaching summer school instead of focusing on this inner illness with all of my might. Still, one must always have hope. Maybe I will feel better after laying down. Maybe God will show up unexpectedly at another time. I must remain hopeful and expectant. Perhaps I shall be delivered yet. God speed and amen!
7:30am I was laying down, fully relaxed and I felt the whole perimeter of my brain light up. She was active with her heart beats but allocated some energy to play with that chakra. God knows where this is heading. She is toying with me. I knew it was not Kundalini because there was no sense of weight or intensity or clarity. And K's focus would have been farther down my body if She showed up, anyway. I hope I am able to carry on with my life, unenlightened as it is, but alive and hopefully not too compromised to work. God, where are you?
8am. Oddly, she is not overtly attacking me, although there is a lingering pain in my heart from this milder than usual control beat. It is still hostile, but it is moderated, intentionally so. Perhaps she means not to kill me at this time. Fasting will continue.
1:30pm. After an extraordinary etheric pressure placed upon me for the past eight hours, the pressure is lightening, and now she is focused on excessively fast and forceful beats. My heart had a relative break so far today. She sent an etheric gust or barb into the center of my brain today. I hope that God has not granted permission to break my crown chakra, i.e., destroy my protective bubble that I have yet to release from.
3:30pm. It is lightening, but I've been positively smothered by her today. I don't know where this ramped up etheric capacity came from. Maybe I am fueling it. I've felt exceptionally drained today. There were some deep attacks on my frontal lobes: all over them and in them. She is exploring her new capacity today. I hope it doesn't get much worse. But it likely will. She spent considerable time this morning, maybe 45 minutes choking and deadening the daylights out of my esophagus, stomach, thymus, and thyroid. I have not urinated a third of what I normally do. Can she sabotage -- overcome -- the force of my gastrointestinal tract. Given the force I see and feel at work right now, I think so. Regardless I will fast on and pray for help! Amen!
2022.6.23. Thursday, 4:18am. Fasting 8 days 8 hours. Weight 190.3. Took one Trazodone last night.
Yesterday this inverted astral projection switched gears by shifting more of her force and attention to the subtle field that surrounds my body. All day long I felt a pound or two of unseen weight on my head, shoulders and torso. It enveloped me. She was playing the role of anti-Kundalini, and apparently enjoying herself because she kept it up till 6pm -- a good 12 hour stint -- at which point symptoms receded.
Despite her backing off a bit, there was an unusual tension and pressure in my head. Something disruptive was going on there. In fact, I had felt it for several hours. It was like an etheric encephalitis. It was not until I laid down at 8pm that more became apparent. Laying on my bed in the dark, my attention was drawn more deeply into my brain. What I felt were etheric lesions all over my frontal lobes and, surprisingly, my eyes. The pressure this parasitic overlay caused on my brain was intolerable and it prevented me from relaxing enough to sleep. So, without a second thought, I sat up in bed, grabbed my bottle of Trazodone, and popped a pill. Next thing I remember is 9:30pm when I arose to urinate. When I am standing, my heart is hit with an exceptionally strong etheric wave. It is pure hate, with my heart coerced to beat more forcefully than it has ever done before. When I laid down it settled into a control beat, then slowly that faded as well. We both went to sleep. But I was sent a clear message: "I meant for those taps to stay. They are a pillar of my etheric projection into you. Your disrupting them is an unacceptable act of defiance. I am sovereign over you. Remember that."
At the end of the day the Trazodone worked. It's a miracle drug in that respect. I don't think I would have survived this long without it. The psychic lesions were released within an hour. My brain, many hours later now, is still clear. In fact, my consciousness is much more clear today than it was yesterday morning. Perhaps the taps had been developing for a while now and I only noticed them last night.
The K sound continues to ring strongly in my right ear, and moderately in the left. I am pleased. Sometimes my thoughts have drifted to God's abandonment of me. But when I hear this protective tone, it gives encouragement to me. I am not alone. There is hope, yet.
The last few days have put a great strain on my heart. The girl has more energy to deploy in me now, and this has resulted in a more serious challenge to my heart's wellbeing. Even though she was in more "oversoul" mode yesterday, there was a draw and strain on the heart. Laying in bed last night there was a dull, persistent pain from the whole organ. I don't know what is God's plan in this respect. Will He come to my rescue if she attacks it more? It seems that the succubus oversteps whatever guidance she is given. Hate has the upper hand in her, for sure.
I want you to consider having a heavy cloud of oppressive, hateful energy enveloping you, with subtle parasites planted at the back of your eyes and across the surface of your frontal lobes all day. I want you to visualize being beset by this, but having a mountain of tax preparation, personal correspondence and small home repairs to attend to at the same time. It's challenging to say the least. Yesterday was one for the books. My main hope as I waded through that swamp was that it would not get worse; and that my fast would deliver me from such a sorry state.
Yesterday was day eight of a water fast, and in those eight days I had had perhaps just two very weak hunger pangs that lasted a few seconds each. Being inhabited by such a powerful antagonistic presence, it is possible that many of my internal functions can be muted or derailed. My sense is that there is a wall of resistance that the succubus presents. It gets increasingly hard to break through it. My hope is that God has placed at the aspirant's disposal a means to access or solicit redemption, regardless of how deep a hole one has fallen into. Following this thought, I am hopeful that a fast can do the trick. But if eight days isn't enough to access my body's innate communications (e.g., a distinct pulse or pang of hunger from my stomach), then that is concerning. It wasn't until I took my hour walk with 540 feet of elevation gain, sometime into it when I picked up the pace, I had the clearest and strongest hunger pang of this fast. It happened twice. It was my willing my body to an uphill task, without the benefit of food, that broke through the succubus' block or spider-like anesthetization of this function. It was my outlay of physical effort, combined with the austerity of food withdrawal, that was sufficient to clear those cobwebs, at least for a bit.
My hope is to charge on with this. I know of no other suitable path for me at this time but extended fasting. Crying and pleading might work as well. But as I've explained previously, the path that led to my awakening in 1985, where I used emotions to garner God's blessing, is not the path that I am comfortable with now. My mind is pretty well made up: I've made the best decisions I could, given my experience with manmade EMF, and hence I was correct, at least from my limited point of view, to be hesitant when the Holy Spirit showed up in early 2019 and I refused Her offer of rescue. And, given that I had lived 25 years with constant bouts of EMF nausea, headaches, and general irritation from these pernicious and omnipresent electromagnetic fields, I had good reason to be in a state of perpetual cautiousness. In the real world, being right, generally, is enough. God wants obedient, faithful servants. The obedience part I have difficulty with. As I tell Him in my prayers, when I have painted a dwelling that I own with shielding paints, or I live and work in relatively safe areas, I'll be delighted to take up the prospect of having my consciousness reside in my chest. I know it's amazing -- the end of suffering, a release from the cycle of karma, the fulfillment of my spiritual quest -- and all of that, but I don't want to be stepping into a complete EMF-hypersensitivity overcharge situation that would severely impact my daily modern responsibilities.
No dizziness this morning.
Yesterday, I urinated less and it was less dark. Has the succubus impacted internal purification? Can the shroud of negative energy that she maintains about and within me inhibit purification? I am sure there is an effect, but how much I do not know.
Today the attacks have been far less intense. The pressure on my heart has been cut by more than half. Is she backing off a bit because she injured my heart? Or is my fasting, with the help of Trazodone, accomplishing this? If she were distracted, she would not be maintaining the weak control beat, nor hitting me with jabs. Those take conscious effort. The etheric darts into me are weak. The amrit nadi pathway between us is still there. I pray that my fasting and walking and praying will lead me out of this. Of course, I abhor climactic showdowns. I'd rather this fast were just a pillow on her face, metaphorically speaking, and she quits or dies without my having to do much else. My effort, this prolonged fast, is my sword. My whole body is the sword. That is my idea of it. My body is already a temple to God, and a servant to God. It's just that the electricity hookup has been delayed, but it is otherwise a turnkey property.
Yesterday, as this inverted astral body, this manifestation of hate and revenge, became a dense cloak-like envelope around me, bearing down on me with a menacing weight that I could feel, the whole body tap that God set into motion began to dissipate. I can still feel it around my groin and lower back, but it is weaker. I am hopeful that this access will be denied her as I progress in this challenge.
Last night, I think it was 7pm (10pm her time), and uncharacteristically the girl seemed asleep. She must have been tired from straining over me all day. In any event, as I puttered about and edited my large digital song collection, I felt another good long hunger pang. As well, I felt a Kundalini block in a large chunk of my right buttocks, near the coccyx. I one-hundred percent do not want God to vacate my body. Sensing this reassured me.
11:20am. Yesterday and today, every 20-30 minutes, I've had to pop my ears to adjust for the etheric pressure build up. She is in there. I feel her burrowing lightly into both scapula areas, too. God help me! Please help this girl find a new home! When will Mother Kundalini show up and lead me out of this mess? Come! Please!
All praise to God! Amen!
2022.6.24. Friday, 4am. Fasting 9 days 8 hours. Weight 189.0. Day one no pills.
Yesterday the succubus' presence was much weaker. If it were like this all the time, I wouldn't mind. Her compromising my heart muscle allows me to work near a cell tower, a thing that is near just about every worksite is these days. I'd be having headaches and crying the blues endlessly were I working where I am without this blockade of higher functioning. That is about the only benefit I see. Oddly, I am still nostalgic for having this transcendental pathway connecting us open and shared. It is a beautiful gift God provides for, this merging of souls or subtle bodies. Of course, I still have the inverse of that, due to very unfortunate circumstances, but it is no less a miracle. But she needs to go, despite the risk of my having to take medical leave again from my work.
I had my strongest hunger pangs yet yesterday. I was organizing the contents on one of my four six-feet tall steel racks, when a large pang erupted in my stomach and then extended upward. I had never experienced this before. The hunger pang grew. It went up on the right side to the bottom of my lung and rib cage; and another extension went up to the xyphoid process. Did it touch my heart? I don't recall clearly. It may have made it part way there. This went on for ten minutes.
As usual I did my walk of 2.6 miles with 500 feet of elevation gain. I did it at a good clip, too. A thought came to me staring at the asphalt ten feet in front of me, making my way up, feeling the trees all about me: "My body will evict this girl." What does that mean? My body is already a temple, or at least a temple in waiting, for Grace. All the preparations have been done. It's ready. It's been ready for 28 years. Focusing my mind on this heart parasite has not done a whole lot. While Kundalini was still responsive to requests, and I sent energy or directed small amounts of energy from above to touch the heart -- to show that it is here, that I need help -- then sometimes help would be sent. But I don't have much access to that now; and Kundalini appears to have backed off. It's a different situation for me now. I was already through with the subtle energy fireworks by day ten during my last fast. Nothing of great note, seemingly, has occurred, this time. Kundalini came on day two, performed a vitals check on my heart and thymus, and departed, apparently giving the keys to my body, and the means by which to tap the energy it produces more fully. But as I reflected on my walk, God provides for all contingencies and situations. I must have an out; or, at least, I pray fervently that I do. It would be cruel, in my opinion, if I didn't. My mind has shown great hesitancy in submitting to the various treatments God has offered. Three times stand out: a vortex of righteous anger in my torso; a pincer movement between left scapula and heart; and a tremendous subtle storm centered in, upon, and about my heart. All three of those were my exit ticket. All I had to do was go along for the ride. God was doing the work. But my mind hesitated. I guess you could say my mind lacks faith.
So what is God's option at this late hour? "If your mind is unwilling to help, or take that final step, then let your body be the instrument of your deliverance." I mean, whole body enlightenment means that one's body has become an instrument of Holy Spirit, a manifestation of Divine Will, correct? When I lay down or relax, my body feels good, supple, and righteous. It already has a weak current of Grace running through it. My body knows who it serves. It serves God. My body knows that I have a poison in my heart, a poison that is harming the rest of my body. And my mind wants my body to do the heavy lifting of evicting this girl. That would be sweet. If this is a possibility, and I am not sure that it is -- it is just a hunch I came upon yesterday -- then this is how it might work. I fast and continue to use my will to guide my body through fasting and my daily routines. As I fast, the hunger pang will grow. It will grow so great that it will consume my torso with its intense crying out for nourishment. But as I saw yesterday, this intense desire from my stomach is not just for food. There is a subtle dimension that the stomach operates on, as well. It can hunger for physiologic and spiritual freedom or fulfillment, too. In this capacity, the stomach is an integral part of one's etheric immune system. The heart parasite, this succubus indwelling, is hindering my body's physical and spiritual functioning. My stomach knows this. I think when it's energy starts to spill over from the organ and move about, that it is aided at that time by Kundalini. I don't think it is merely my own native potential. God comes to act through the stomach. While some may find this delusional and hope misplaced, my theory is that this is possible. I shall persist in fasting and see what comes to pass. My prayer now is my body's fasting and my stomach's pleading for Divine guidance and support. All praise goes to God! Amen!
The fast is getting more challenging now. Yes, there was an unspeakable wall that I broke through after a day or two. Maybe it was habit and basic karmas. But whatever its impetus, it was made five times worse by this internal entity. It was smooth sailing till the past two days, days eight and nine. My body is feeling weaker. I am getting light headed sometimes. Two years ago, by the thirteenth day certainly, I was very weak. I had difficulty carrying things. I recall needing rest most of the day. In this fast I powered easily through seven days. But now I am petering out. I hope I can sustain it, but I am less resolved at this moment.
Immediately after the big hunger pang passed, I felt the succubus move in my heart, and send an extension into my esophagus and down a few inches toward my stomach. It was probably an attempt to stifle it. I was occupied with other things. It stopped after a while. I hope her efforts fail!
7:45am. Irritating tap to right medulla today. She's been at it for the past four hours. First there was heavy heart control and a pall placed over me that made it nearly impossible to think for an hour or two. At one point I laid down and was quickly pulled into a dream state. She delights in my leaving my waking state. Then she is fully in charge. One other time I was laying down on my side and the obnoxious staccato, machine-like heart beat was there. I had had a couple of pains in my heart that don't normally happen. As I twisted and felt around my body I found two painful points between my left arm pit and the bottom of the rib cage, both near the heart. She's never been able to create subtle pressure points that were painful. This was new. I tried to knead them, but they didn't dispel. Are they maintained by my body, coopted and directed by her? These points were supporting the attack going on in my heart, making it register pain during these rigid beats that normally don't bother it too much. I am concerned. There is an inch wide area on the left portion of the heart that is compromised. I feel her nesting in it, digging in to eat, making what should be strong firm muscle feel mushy and weak. I think she aims for my heart to fail. There has been constant burrowing into my left scapula and the area just to the left of the spine behind the heart. Constant. Yesterday was light duty. I think I have the succubus' full attention today. May God help us all! Amen!
8:20am. Pain in my heart, with etheric pressure points on left rib cage.
There is an energy sapping, taut, "snapping" sensation in four areas of my rib cage: two on the right and left outermost areas near the bottom closest to my hips; and two a few inches on either side of the xyphoid process. I massaged them for a while, "strumming" on them to release the etheric overlay on them. Then the tightness passed.
2022.6.25. 4:49am, Saturday. Fasting 10 days 8 hours. Weight 187.9. Took one Trazodone last night.
The succubus focused on me all day yesterday, causing pain in my heart several times. I think she can take the kill shot whenever she wants. Somehow the body tap that God has enabled her has strengthened her astral presence around me, as well as her ability to move inside my body and apply greater pressure in a wider area than before. If you are sensitive to etheric energy -- feeling its every move about and within you -- as any heart awakened person is, then know that it is pure hell dealing with this. She can also eclipse mental functioning, rendering it next to impossible to think clearly, as well as cause the most extraordinary desire to give up, lay down, and sleep. For example, I got up at 4am to start my day and there was an exceptional pall of tiredness about me. So I laid back down and noticed that the feeling quickly left me. So I decided, "To heck with this, I am getting back up. I've had nearly eight hours of sleep." Getting back up again, the pall and tiredness were gone. While such destructive states occur in normal people, they are amplified considerably under such a girl's influence.
For several hours she expanded her unctuous, stifling, asphyxiating energy into a long area behind my solar plexus bindu point that went up through my thymus, thyroid and tonsils. It was like I had swallowed a bottle of glue. Minutes before bed she made sure her deadening work was complete, scrunching up additional wads of obstruction to my thyroid and tonsils. I will tell you that such dampening is hateful. Having my glands clogged makes me feel miserable. Because it was hard for my mind to be comfortable while this rat was building her nest in my emotion centers, and I didn't want her to feel success after having wasted an entire day on building up her astral projection -- harming and impeding my functioning without a break -- and because there was no way I was going to let us go quietly into the night with my frontal line deadened like that, I took a Trazodone as I went to bed at 8:10pm, rather than wait 3-4 hours later as I struggled to feel calm enough to sleep. I awoke at 9:30pm to find the frontal line clear, though the heart control persisted. My body felt heavy, but lacked the nausea I normally experience. Trazodone is toxic. So I use it judiciously. I figure, I am on my eleventh day of fasting. I ought to be able to cleanse its ingredients out of me.
I apologize for the rollercoaster here, in terms of my changing moods and expectations. But these are things that are new to me. I do not have an idea of what to expect, unlike when calling out to Shakti as I did after reading Gopi Krishna's, "Kundalini, The Evolutionary Energy In Man." Even then, the knowledge I gained did not prepare me fully for my own experience. Such knowledge, I would imagine, never does. But here is what I want to say: I was depressed yesterday. I was less hopeful. Just as Shakti laid a claim on my body, especially, when the descending force -- Grace -- first touched my chest in 1994. And then for the next 25 years I believed that this blessing or potential was permanent. I continued to hold in abeyance Her full residence in my body -- and my loss of limited self-consciousness -- on account of my continued bouts of illness when exposed to manmade electromagnetic field. I was waiting till my body felt safe to open itself to this much heightened energy conduction. There were so many unknowns there. If I became incapacitated, there was no one to help me but me. Early on, I had asked members of my family for $50,000 to help with EMF safety. Everyone thought I was nuts. My father sent me $1000, which was not enough to do what needed to be done. My website has crowed about my condition for twenty years and no philanthropists have stepped forward. I reached out once to billionaire Bill Gates and did not receive a reply. So my intention with this dangerous path was to be cautious at all times. Well, it turns out that Shakti's blessing can be withdrawn after all. There is no permanence in this world. I may occasionally feel a tiny, positive Kundalini-block in a small area of my body once in a while, but I am not certain of that. Ninety-eight percent of the subtle movements within me are the succubus'. She seems to be overpowering me: shutting down my thinking, causing pain to my heart, even snuffing out a hunger pang just as it tries to make itself known. I am considering today that my use of hunger and austerities are insufficient to root her out. This may be a Mother Shakti vs Succubus thing, with the male aspirant playing only a supporting role.
So I appear stuck. The question remains, will the succubus' machinations shorten my life? Definitely yes. But as I don't know whether I have two weeks or two decades to live, I must carry on to the best of my ability. I am hopeful that I'll be able to complete my work as a teacher this year. I need the income. But her permanence now means that I will only most unwillingly venture back to California for the briefest of family visits. I can only imagine how horrendous her etheric force will be for me now that she has dug herself in so deeply even in this remote locale.
There is a timeline for these things. It is now three years and three months since this girl landed herself in me. I did a 14 day fast two years ago and failed in the challenge presented to me. I waited two years before attempting another long fast. Many work duties have come up that I have had to satisfy in order to protect my livelihood. I had a chance to spend six weeks last summer teaching at a school that I wish to move to on account of its reduced EMF exposure. It would be important for me to be at such a school if I am able clear this girl. The demands of my life may not be the most conducive to spiritual healing. It helps mightily to have peace, quiet, and zero social demands when you fast. It takes quite a rarefied lifestyle to access these higher dimensions. In this current fast, on day two, over three years after this battle began, Kundalini did a serious, ten-minute assessment of my heart and thymus, and then, apparently, gave the keys to my body to this girl. This is now day eleven. Kundalini has not returned, at least not Her full form that is capable of liberating me. Yesterday I reflected, "Has my body been scuttled by God?" It seems at times that this is so. Rather than a supercharged and productive life that full realization of God brings, I am looking at its opposite: functioning at a level significantly below where I was prior to God intervening in my life.
I don't have a map in front of me. I don't know where this is going. So, I will use my best judgment and fast. And I will pray and meditate as Spirit moves me; this is usually when the succubus has laid off me for eight hours or so, giving my body and time space to recuperate and aspire for release. As nothing in this world is permanent -- not even the upper hand currently held by the succubus -- I must remain hopeful that something may shift in my favor. Maybe on day 18 of this fast God will step in. Maybe this girl will take these mRNA injections and lose some of her etheric capacity. Or perhaps she will get involved with another man and have a child. It may be the case that delivering a child changes her etheric capabilities. Then there is the possibility that tragedy will befall her and that she will die, though I try not to hope for this, as helpful to me as that would be.
9:35am. As I am standing here at my computer, when I think, my heart responds by this strange sensation. It is like half of my heart gains strength and is energized by what kind of energy, I don't know. The straighter I stand and the harder I think, the more intense this heart pressure and feeling become. Now it is involving my left scapula. If not Mother Goddess herself, this is certainly a defense response against the kernel of hostile consciousness lock-jawed on my heart muscle. Note that what preceded this was a few minutes of my digging my fingers into and squeezing the area over my heart and the same location on my right side. I rocked back and forth as I sustained a light pincer squeeze over these areas. It felt really good. It helped to trigger what I am seeing now. I am happy, because I am only on day 11 and I am committed, health permitting, to go 21 days total. It is a disaster having this girl in me. My heart has gone over three years being bashed and trampled by her, due to no fault of its own. If anybody has an axe to grind, it would be my heart. The intensity is now surrounding her spot and has set up an increasingly intense etheric pressure point beneath my scapula area, closer to my spine. This is exceptionally encouraging. God speed!
At 11:30am the area of both scapulas, going down to the bottom of my rib cage, became charged. This went on for 30 minutes. Then the intensification shifted to involve the brachial plexus. For a while I wasn't sure whether this was the succubus or not. But the feeling was good, and it was much stronger than what I'd experienced with the girl. As my chest intensified, pressure points in my back were maintained and focused on the heart. This went on for an hour then it weakened. During this pause, I felt the succubus send tendrils of energy out of the heart and up through my frontal line to attack my thyroid and tonsils. Maybe twenty minutes later this stopped as my etheric immune response ramped up again. This fast-induced subtle cleansing kept up through just after 6:00pm, getting stronger whenever I applied my mind and stood straight. There were numerous times when the force in my chest was quite strong. I'd say 60% of the force required to oust the succubus.
It was tough, but I didn't lay down for these six hours. It was made more difficult by my studio's interior reaching 86º by noon and spiking to 89º and maintaining that temperature for three hours. Having put my computer to sleep as the heat rose, I shifted to my taxes, adding up receipts and such. I felt delirious and "woozy" at times, but not as intensely as I did during my last serious fast two years ago. Sometimes I just paced slowly in the room for fifteen minutes at a time, my mind attending to and encouraging my immune system, saying, "Do it! God, please help me! Become stronger, immune system! Go after the heart! Root her out! This is my only chance till next summer to fast! So, please, do it now! Please, God almighty, let this happen! May she be gone. May this be so. Amen!" It was hard, but I did my hike for an hour, earlier than usual, to escape not just the heat, but the unspeakable oppression of my mind that the succubus engineered. (Exceptional waves of tiredness began to attack me at 1:30pm.) I wanted so badly to shut down, lay down, give up. But I did not comply. I did not want to go another two years pining over my having laid down just as I was about to break her grip on my heart. While the immune response hadn't achieved the required intensity, who was to say when that might happen? Would my laying down cause the whole process to peter out? I could not take that chance. Is standing up for six hours worth it to avoid a life of imprisonment to a succubus. Is freeing your soul from evil's grasp worth being upright for a few hours? I should think so!
It was on my eleventh day of distilled water fasting that this response occurred. While I am encouraged that my heart identified and attacked the succubus kernel directly within it, I am concerned that the more general etheric response, that played out for seven hours straight, never directly touched my heart. It applied pressure from a distance. It was similar to the etheric cleansing that was attempted in April 2019. My body and brachial plexus were rhythmically pummeled, in an attempt to cleanse me of all subtle contaminants, but this effort never went after the heart, which is the source of my problem.
This begs the question, "Is the heart God's domain?" Is it beyond the reach of -- and of a higher order -- than those capacities that are unleashed via fasting? When my subtle immune system kicks in, and it sees the foreign presence in my heart, does it say, "Oops! That's God's area! Can't touch that!" This might be the case. If so, I may only be able to break free of her with Kundalini's active involvement.
2022.6.26. 6:30am, Sunday. Fasting 11 days 10 hours. Weight 186.7. Day 1 no pill.
I was up before 4:00am, and the fact that it has taken me two hours just to begin writing this tells you all you need to know. I have been hit with relentless urges to lay down and sleep. As soon as I focus on any intellectual matter, my mind seizes up. There is a pall about me. It just now broke a bit. So, it appears that by 9:30am this morning, someone in this girl's social network has her attention for a moment.
The body taps that Kundalini has authorized are a real problem. I am a side sleeper. I slept on my stomach for my entire life, but had to stop when I was about 42 years old when the twisting of my neck in this position caused a displacement of vertebrae and sharp pain that persisted during the day. Reluctantly, I've been side sleeping ever since. I fall asleep so much faster on my stomach. Anyway, last night when I changed sides, which I do almost hourly, I felt painful taps connecting the lateralmost sides of my rib cage to my hips. It was a cord of attention, because otherwise I have no idea how a line on the exterior of my rib cage could be conducting energy to her. I don't think there was an organic basis, in the form of a vessel of some sort, but perhaps there was. I pressed down on it and there was pain. I continued to press and then the attention would shift and the pain would leave and I would press another area. It was very disconcerting to wake up, during a time when I am supposed to be rejuvenating, and come to find that there are two six inch long, painful cords of attention siphoning energy from me and delivering that energy to another person; or, in addition to and worse yet, being used to fix this pernicious parasite even more securely within my heart. I laid in bed at 2:00am, wearily contemplating this possibility. Has God's giving this girl the key's to my body, with taps of this potency I have not seen since moving 2400 miles away from her? Has He also rendered her impervious to my own fasting-inspired etheric cleanses? Being a spiritual autoimmune disorder herself, has she been enabled to use my body's energy to defend herself from my own etheric immune system? This may very well be the case. It may take an act of God to remove her. I will carry on with my fast, but I am not looking forward to another school year beset by her, with her being ever more capable of neutering my mind's higher functioning for several hours at a stretch.
7:05am. She's been hounding me all morning to prevent my immune system from being activated again. She's on high alert. It's not just the pall, but the staccato beats she's kept up since 3:30am. That is why today is especially hard. If only she had real responsibilities to distract her. For the past 45 minutes I have felt a very weak immune response in the form of a block under my right scapula. It is strengthening now. It's extending to the area beneath the sides of my rib cage, on both sides. There have also been some twitches or movements inside the heart. Good. Things are starting. It's show time. Let's do this, God!
It's day twelve of not eating. My muscles have grown weaker the past three days. I had planned in two days to go to Costco to buy a 90 lb six-foot rolling rack for my classroom, installing it the next day. But as I am feeling weak, I don't know if I should do that. If I am lucky enough to have heightened etheric cleansing activity going on that day, it would be best I were not distracted. Also, two days ago I felt pain in my anus. I probed it yesterday and found a hemorrhoid. In order to evacuate the hardened fecal matter, I will head to the drug store today and check on their supplies of enemas, glycerine suppositories, and such.
9:50am. Kundalini still has not shown up in force. I have only the weakest blocks in my back. I am relatively sure that the succubus' constant harassment of me today has made me weak; it has interfered with any etheric support I might have received. She is like a dragon guarding her gold. My hope is that if I keep up these austerities of purification, eventually I will gain momentum, maybe even break through to freedom. For how many days and years can she remain vigilant, placing her own life on hold, grasping at her ill-gotten loot -- my soul?
10:15am. The sides of my rib cage are being energized. I don't know if this is her trying to block the immune response from moving from the back to the chest, or if this is my immune system trying to remove (purify) those parasitic lines going down my torso into my hips.
10:45am. She dragged me down to bed again. The harsh, fast beats became slow and calming. As I approached a dream state, I alerted and returned to the computer. My immune response has been reduced by half, and her beats are now harsh and fast again. She can see things that I can't. She knows when Kundalini is coming before I do, and she may be more aware of my own etheric activity than I am. She makes for one hell of a prison guard.
2022.6.27. Monday, 9:30am. Fasting 12 days 13 hours. Weight 186.6. No pills day two.
2022.6.28. Tuesday, 5:40am. I broke fast yesterday at 12 days 15 hours.
5:40am. I have been up since 4:00am. S attacked my heart for about seven minutes at 5:00am. Since then, she has had only fitful connections. She is used to having unfettered access to my undoing. Clearly, she has not had the space to focus on me that she has when, presumably, she is alone in her bedroom at the home she shares with her two parents and two siblings. I knew something was up yesterday when she maintained a pounding staccato beat with continuous off beats from 4pm till 8pm my time, and then went to sleep without bothering to molest me for the remainder of the night. Obviously, she needed the sleep for something important today. This relative peace is rare. It's a God-send. I think it takes all of her focus to cast a pall over me and short-circuit my mental functioning. Thankfully, she hasn't been able to pull that off today. Praise the Lord! Soon she will find out that her "inner life" pretty much ends when out in the world. Seeking my demise and usurpation with every breath must be an unnatural motivation that runs counter to her more basic drives.
6:40pm. She's in my chest. This is a new level or depth of indignity. God has enabled this for her. It's a new situation. She's permanent there in my brachial plexus. The last few days I have not felt myself. It's like I was becoming detached from this world. Now my limited consciousness is not so threatened, but this dead chest is the price. At least, this is what it looks like to me at this time. If God has helped her with this, then she better leave the rest of me alone. It feels effortless on her part. Like this is what she is supposed to do. Maybe it is her spirit outside me doing this, because I don't feel the "normal" movement of energy inside me filling this space. Ugh. Can I travel to California and be safe? I still feel unwanted pressure on my back, so what is up with that? Am I to be consumed entirely? Or is a new arrangement possible?
4pm. Scribbling on a note paper. Little sign of S all day. Nearly unprecedented. No attacks. Heart rate still elevated over normal, which I basically never see any more apart from when she is sleeping, and not really even then. I don't think I see anything below 60BPM or whatever her baseline is. Mine was low 50s typically, but not anymore. Totally sucks.
2022.6.29. Wednesday, 3:30pm. Took Trazodone last night. Did not weigh myself.
[Making this entry nearly a week later. This is how hard it has been.]
Last night I went to bed feeling uncomfortable. I laid in bed for an hour until a brain kriya manifested. It was a vibration that rose up in me, centering about my brain. I stiffened in response and thought I was supposed to direct it at my chest or heart, but that is not what it wanted. The focus was my medulla area. This is where the vibrations centered. I was to shake her out of there. Oddly, there was an attending "directive" that I was to feel or express anger as I did this. God wanted me to be angry. But I am not angry. I shook this area for a while, sad that there was no concern for reclaiming my body, at least at this time. Why is God so interested in an anger response? Is it because this girl never intended to be my woman? Was it always her intention to dominate me? To own my soul? Well, if that is the case, she has never told me so herself. But this unending silence on her part, and her having to lead what appears to me to be a mysterious and deceitful life of control and withdrawal, does give me pause. If I am angry, I tend mostly to direct it at God Himself. My intentions have always been good; and whatever harm has befallen me, it is on account of what God has made possible for this girl. He has empowered her to do what she has done. Mostly, I lay the blame at God's feet. I cry and blame and protest God nearly every day for what has happened.
The vibration did little to help. And it left me feeling mildly angered with God. Is God a voyeur? Do the angels enjoy these contests of the flesh, given their incorporeal forms? Is my predicament just play and amusement for them? Why can't God set aright what has gone so wrong? Is God not all-powerful?
I took the pill and woke an hour later feeling more clear mentally than before, and my K sound strong and healthy in both ears. Given that Trazodone effects the central nervous system mostly, it had no effect on loosening the hold the succubus had on my colon, prostate, and bladder (which I didn't have any suspicions about till Friday of that week). I awoke with as much pain and tension in my lower abdomen as I had before taking the drug. Trazodone had zero effect on this area, I am sad to say. It's effects are said to be focused mostly on the central nervous system. I hope I do find a way to undo this girl's etheric subversion of my gastrointestinal function.
2022.6.30. Thursday, 10:00am. Day one no pills. Not fasting. Weight 195.0 upon waking at 5:30am.
A million things to say. But it's already 83º in this metal roofed studio with no insulation, no attic, and no shade. I don't know how much longer this computer will put up with today's furnace blast. It's an overpriced $4,000 Apple product that I cannot easily replace.
It has been a shit show, literally, since I tried to force an evacuation mid-fast on Sunday, eleven and a half days in. First, at 11:30am, I took two grams of magnesium citrate as powder in water from a number of capsules I had on hand. I had read that this was supposed to stimulate stool softening in the small intestines, or something like that. I didn't know how this would be of benefit in my case, since my problem lay in a small amount of hardened fecal matter abutting my anus, and not a general state of constipation elsewhere. But it was at least one possible remedy, and I had it on hand, so I decided that it couldn't hurt to try it. Two hours later, feeling no stirrings yet within me, I drove to a drugs store where I purchased a rectal bulb syringe. After a good walk and feeling overall great, at 5:30pm, with still no evidence of digestion propelling food within me, I forced a few fist-sized amounts of purified water into the colon area into and alongside the hardened mass of fecal matter at my anus. The water did not seem to lubricate the fecal matter. But I was able to lodge a lot of water behind the large, clay-like mass. This prompted several weak peristaltic contractions. The BM came down a bit from where it was; I added some muscular force, but the hunk barely made it into the final chute an inch or two from the anus.
Stuck in this manner, I thought about one of the moms of male students I've had with "ecupresis," which is a condition where a person intentionally retains his or her (usually it's his) bowel movements (BMs). In this boy's case, at home Mom would sometimes manually extract the BM. That means she would stick her finger(s) (I am not sure how many, we did not get into details) into the boy's anus to grab hold of the BM and pull it out. I thought of how my mother had to do the same with my grandmother who, as she approached death, with complications no doubt from several medications, suffered from constipation. Then there are the millions of homosexual men who allow penises (and fists, among other things, apparently) full entry down there. I thought that the area must be robust and that it would handle a probing finger or two with little ill effect. I was determined to be done with this matter. So, I started to do something that I have never before done: I started sticking my fingers up into my rectum. It was a laborious affair, chipping away pieces of feces with my bare hands, then sticking a finger deep behind a given hardened ball to try to pull it down, then after an hour or more of this, getting enough of the mass out that the less compacted and more lubricated material behind it was able to find its way out in a flood-like release.
I was on day 12 of my fast. I was on a roll. I had no intention of stopping at this time. It was just the day before that my etheric immune system had kicked into gear for the first time, placing positive pressure on my chest and back throughout the day. Though it paid attention to my heart muscle but minimally, there was no telling what another week of fasting would do. Maybe Kundalini Shakti would show up again and real fireworks would erupt. You have to be "in the game" in order to reap the rewards. I meant to keep my position in the consecutive day tally of going without food -- my intention being 21 days, unless some health or spiritual emergency bade otherwise.
I wish to back up a moment to describe the evacuation in more detail. I was anxious to pass the hardened mass. Often, when I stuck fingers up the rectum, the mass would be pushed farther back into the colon. It was only when I aggressively pressed the colon aside to get my fingers around to the back of the mass that I had more success. I figure it took me 15 tries before I had cleared enough material to allow the rest of the stool to pass without hindrance. It was only after considerable strain squatting over a bowl on the floor that I decided to sit normally at the toilet when using my finger. At least I wouldn't be straining in a squatting position. Nevertheless, I was sweating and anxious. When would my bowels flow freely again?
A succubus is nothing if not devoted. Mine is no different. She thought to herself, "Hey, this is good. Let's see if I can't take the heart strain to the next level." So it was that throughout this ordeal my heart raced at 90-100 beats per minute, along with the usual thuds, missed beats, and excessive force that she has learned to apply so expertly during her inhabitation of me these past 40 months.
But then something worse happened, that I didn't fully understand until five days later. The succubus short-circuited my peristaltic contractions and, even more painfully, my bladder function. You might say to me, "Wow, KCT, that is really a stretch. I know about the heart chakra and why the heart muscle plays a central role in your situation, but the colon? The bladder? Are you kidding me? These cannot possibly be the domain of a succubus. You are off your rocker!"
I must admit that I didn't set out here to describe the effect that negative etheric energy can have on your gut. But my mind's purpose, overall, is just to report back on my spiritual experiences, whatever they might be. And so here it is. Let's say I have seven floors in my subtle being, and that I am operating on the sixth floor, with lower levels indicating deeper conscious access to my core functioning. In this scenario the succubus entered me initially, functioning on the fourth floor. Well, what transpired during this most recent fast is that God gave the succubus the keys to the second floor. She is much more deeply placed than she was initially. God, of course, owns the ground level. But there at the second floor is where the succubus is now, monkeying around with things in a manner she was unable to previously. This, apparently, is her prize for winning the contest held between us the past three years. Whether this is a temporary or a permanent victory for her, I do not know. But she moves about within me at a deeper level, with less physiologic resistance. Despite this, it is my hope that my etheric immune system retains the ability to tell "her" and "me" apart.
So it is that I think that given all the strain I experienced with the forced evacuation on Sunday, that it triggered an idea in the succubus: "Let me do everything I can to worsen this guy's situation."
I am making this entry on July 5, when S appears to be busy and I can finally think a bit before heading out on errands. Anyway, I believe the exceptional pain and bloating in my abdomen began Sunday night. Everything was fine before then. My abdomen had been flat and taut; and I urinated readily with zero pain. All I had wanted to deal with was removing the obnoxiously hardened material at my anus, which I accomplished with considerable effort Sunday evening. So, I was very concerned when I arose Monday morning to find bloating and pain throughout my lower abdomen. The pain was so great that I could not apply even fingertip pressure to any part of this area. As S had shown neither the interest nor the ability to obstruct this area directly in the past, it didn't occur to me that this massive obstruction could be her. Distressed by this obvious gastrointestinal malfunctioning, I made an about face in my planning and decided that I would break my fast. I resolved to not resume fasting until normal gastrointestinal function returned. So, I plied myself with food for days. I pigged out beginning at 11:30am on Monday, and it was not till Thursday or Friday that it began to dawn on me that dark magic was at the root of my frustrations. It was finally on a hike on Friday that I felt an obvious lift of etheric tension connecting my prostate to my testicles. Somehow, this painful tension of sexual organs seemed to shut down my bladder function, as well. It was not till a week later that I was finally able to urinate without burning or pain. But I remain concerned that this seventeen year old demoness can reapply the tension whenever she wants, though I have begged God to block this newfound capacity of hers. It was during this time of digestive incapacitation that I felt a thin line of etheric pain shoot across a good four inches of colon, freezing contractions and movement in their place. Again, I complained to God, asserting the right of all spiritual aspirants to the cleansing, purification, and general tapas or austerities that fasting provides. I stated, in no uncertain terms, that a succubus has no right to bar an aspirant from this avenue of communicating his or her intention, resolve, and redemption worthiness to God.
I believe I have discussed this previously, but two nights ago, a kriya sprung up in me to clear etheric tension in my medulla area, calling upon me to express anger as I vibrated with etheric energy to repulse this girl. I continue to have difficulty marshalling anger to clear my being of her unwanted presence. I am angry at God more than her. I've never had a legitimate conversation with her. She tied herself to me at age 12, and she is still just 17 years old, a minor, not someone who I can talk to anyway, not that there would be any reason to talk now, at this point in our moribund pairing. I took a Trazodone shortly after, as I still felt unwanted tension within me.
The first Thursday after breaking my fast, 5pm. I discovered a couple of lesions between the colon and the hip bone near the center, on either side of midline. Shaking my torso was still quite painful, but I did so anyway, in order to determine where these paths of etheric tension lay within me. Shaking was extremely painful at the prostate gland, and those hip spots, as well as a line up and down from the prostate a few inches, and across in a continuous line to my testicles. Today, Thursday, I have had nearly no urination or peristaltic action. I should have had several bowel movements since I resumed eating on Monday, but I have had none. I hiked today with my fingers pressed to the sore area going along the bone on right and left side. The pain and tension appeared to encircle the colon. The tension lessened slightly. I shook again at 6:20pm whereupon I felt the testicles, vas deferens and prostate all attacked, enveloped and etherically tapped. Though the shaking was painful, it did help to lessen the tension there. It was too painful to shake yesterday. I am so sad it has taken me four days to identify this. Wow. I don't even feel these etheric movements of hers within me until they had become so well established.
I was up eight times last night, just rocking back and forth, cupping my abdomen, trying to apply healing energy to the area, then continuing my effort for five to ten minutes from a supine position back in bed. I did not know what lay at the heart of the distress. I just followed my intuition of applying healing intention to the area. I had no idea that the succubus was capable of coopting this area so fully, as I had never observed this before. I think this set the stage for my identifying the etheric lesion more clearly today.
Again, God appears to have given this girl an extraordinary power over me. This, apparently, is to enable her to more easily dominate two men at once. She can fuck him, and with one pinky keep my astral body in a choke hold. I complain daily to God that this is neither fair nor warranted. I protest that I am not a failed aspirant and that my intentions throughout have been good. Sigh.
One final note here for this entry. There were a few reasons why I wanted to pass that hard block of fecal matter 12 days into the fast. One is that after my last long fast, it was rather painful passing a similar mass after I resumed eating. I had no strategy for assisting with this; and if I wanted to fast yet another week, I might as well get it out of me now, and maybe do so more successfully than before. Another is that a few days earlier, maybe days seven or eight, I had a small, painful hemorrhoid. I wanted to remove whatever was straining my rectum. But by day ten or so, the hemorrhoid had retracted and was no longer painful. At the same time there was some gas and small digestive movements within me. In retrospect, I should have listened to this. I had a five day fast several months earlier, and on day three my GI tract got super lubricated and was in the process of getting rid of everything in there when I sat down for a meal with a fellow anti-vaxx advocate and teacher the night of day five. What I am saying is that the body is capable of handling whatever problem it has when it chooses to do so, and when it has the resources available to do it. In retrospect, I should not have forced water up into my rectum; nor should I have taken a megadose of magnesium orally. Since this time, I have ordered pure glycerine suppositories, which I believe are all that one needs if softening the mass of material in the last few inches of your colon for ease of passing, is your primary concern.
2022.7.2. Saturday, 5:05am. Weight 195.1. Day three no pills.
Today I felt a four-inch long shock to my colon. It was a needle like etheric manifestation, running along the bottom part of the colon that lays on or near the hip going laterally across the hip bone toward the anus. While I wasn't aware of any freezing of peristaltic digestive movement, given the painful, sharp, needle like movement of energy, I know that this was her. This was the anti-Kundalini, the succubus mucking about within me, and it could only have evil designs. In this case: paralyze digestion.
For five nights this past week, Sunday through Thursday, my lower abdomen was racked with pain. I've never felt such pain and bloating there, ever. That pain lifted all of a sudden yesterday. When I shook, I felt my prostate and a cord of energy a few inches up and down, extending all the way across to my testicles on both sides. All these areas were enveloped with a painful energy that was foreign to them, like some evil glue or muck. There was a thin line that I felt distinctly going from the prostate to the testicles, that I think was an inflamed vas deferens. I just looked at a diagram of this area. I am not sure how the attack actually worked, but somehow it prevented urine output near the prostate. The whole area hurt. There was burning when I urinated, and it came out just in dribbles rather than a flow. There was well over a 90% reduction in flow for that five-day period. Even now, the flow capacity is reduced, and there is still some pain, but the pressure is not building up in my abdomen like it was. I have wasted several days dealing with this, delaying my fast, waiting for normal bowel function to return.
There was an extraordinary pall over me yesterday. It lasted the entire day. I got the sense that being with her boyfriend since Monday pulled her too much off the game of my enslavement, which is her spiritual purpose at this time. I figure she won't be relieved of this all-consuming duty till I die.
Again, the succubus' functioning is much deeper than before. Also, her "touches," these barbs of energy that penetrate my body here and there, and that move within me, are more painful now.
It is one of my greatest hopes that this girl's social world will consume her. Whether she must begin to pay her own expenses, gets pregnant, has to care for a family member, or something more than idly staring at her cell phone while her spirit is focused on me, my greatest hope is for at least moderate relief, for her energies to become distracted and divided, thereby granting me some relative freedom.
Yes, yesterday her energy stranglehold over my prostate complex lifted. I felt it pull off me, like a door blowing off its hinge during a windstorm. Just "poof," and it was pulled off.
Here is a brief summary of fast do's and don'ts:
1) You want natural glycerine suppositories. This is because your problem mid-point or at the end of a fast is not the ability for the entire GI tract to move material, but evacuating the comparatively dry and hard matter right at the anus. It's that little mass, maybe three or four inches in depth, that must be passed before you reach the smooth sailing behind it. Properly softening this material will make it much easier to pass. I wanted all natural glycerine suppositories, but local stores only had hydrogenated vegetable oil suppositories (or lard) combined with a drug that forces the GI tract to make contractions (that didn't work in my case). I found a good brand, Fleet, for purchase online. Now I am prepared better for next time.
2) Consider having soft foods when breaking a fast. My approach of having chocolate, kale salad, kale soup, apples and lots of frozen bananas (partly because these are so plentiful where I live), may place too great a burden on the gastro-intenstinal tract that is coming back on line from one to three weeks of fasting. I am not sure entirely of what those foods might be. I think stewed organic prunes and yogurt, and citrus, melons and other juicy fruit would be good contenders. Eat these types of foods perhaps for the first day, at least. Vegetable juices would be excellent, as well.
3) Listen to your body. If your body really needs to pass something, it has the ability to do this without specific interventions on your part. Not that it will do this, but it can do this. For example, two days before I forcefully injected a lot of water that didn't belong there in my colon, my colon was rumbling and creating gas. This happened once before, nine months ago, when my GI tract went through peristaltic contractions and created a lot of mucus in order to evacuate everything within me. This started three to four days in to a fast. My body was prepping for an extended fast and was helping me to be clean and ready.
4) Drink purified water (I use distilled) in the amount you feel comfortable with. Drink a lot of water if that is what your body tells you to do. But in my case, for several days of the fast, I would just have a sip of water every hour or two. There is an internal alchemy that occurs that depends a great deal on water intake. Much of the time, for me, my body only wants a little bit of water, and I feel fantastic not guzzling like a fish.
5) Be skeptical of the need for a water enema. This is shocking for a fasting colon. The entirety of this sensitive organ is tightened and slender at this time. It is not healthy for it to be sent into a balloon like shape in a matter of minutes. If anything, it is to be revived into normal functioning very slowly, as I have noted, just with some soft foods, especially juicy ones like citrus, melons, and the like. Maybe prunes and yogurt after that. My experience is that prunes and yogurt may be introduced after a day of juicy, easy-to-digest foods.
6) Pray and seek silence and solitude. Finding peace and quiet can be the hardest part, especially if you are a relied upon fixture in a complex family or social situation. At the very least, encourage those around you to be supportive of your fasting. Most people are against it. They think you will die without food for a week or longer. Eating has a social function, and many will seek to include you, even if that is not your want. But you won't starve to death, not even after a month. But you might have a healing crisis, as the modern world burdens us with many toxins that the body cannot readily excrete, and are hidden in our fat cells until an extended fast frees them. This is why I think two to three weeks of fasting tops is appropriate for most people. With respect to calories, most people have fat reserves that can sustain them for a month or longer! As well, as I have indicated elsewhere at this site, it is my belief that the body, under the right circumstances, and when fully receiving God's Grace, can thrive on subtle energy alone -- energy that enters the solar plexus bindu point and is transmuted by the pancreas gland to sustain and nourish the physical body. You will know if your body has become such a vehicle for Grace.
2022.7.2. Saturday. Weight 195.2 upon waking. There has been no sound of S breathing in my ear the past five days, Monday through Friday. There was a negative charge that lifted off my bowels, finally, yesterday afternoon during a longer, steeper hike that I haven't done in a while.
3:30pm. The succubus spent from noon to 2pm attacking my stomach, making it feel backed up. No digestion occurred for two hours. I just laid down until she stopped thinking of me.
2022.7.3. Sunday, 5:15am. Weight 198.3.
Only yesterday did my GI tract start producing more regular bowel movements. So that is almost a week of disruption. Note that I broke my fast on Monday, or halfway into my thirteenth day, at 11:30am., not because I was hungry, but because my bladder and GI function appeared, inexplicably, paralyzed. I thought that forcing food and drink down my esophagus would jump start normal functioning. My plan was that as soon as I regained normal GI function that I would resume fasting. Well, a week later I am only just beginning to see normal functioning. Just.
My K sound yesterday was shut down 90% until, finally, at 1:30am, I awoke to find both ears loud and strong. But at 2am, I started feeling unwanted energy movement in me that sought to reverse this. I felt energy flowing upward to encircle the base of both ears, as well as a light painful tingling return to my prostate gland, and a sharp thread connecting from my seminal vesicles to my testicles.
I am dismayed to see how easy it is for S to reapply a stifling pain to the prostate gland, thereby shutting off my ability to urinate, as well as sending small needle like shocks in four-inch bands across my colon. She can disrupt and paralyze my digestive function whenever she chooses. I asked myself, if she is able to do this for five days straight, as she was this past week, can she unilaterally prevent me from holding to a fast going forward? It would appear so. I complained mightily to God on my hikes this week that He had given this girl far too great an access to my internal functioning. Is it really my destiny not just to be prevented from thinking, but even of digesting, whenever this girl wants it? If so, I contend that this is a most unfair and unjust punishment.
It is now 7am. Though I awoke at 4am, I have been productive for less than 30 minutes of this time. I have been frozen for the most part. I felt her attention fully on me by noon or so Friday. It continued into the evening through now, 10am her time in California. So, what was going on with this long-awaited reunion with her boyfriend? It was most excellent not to have her breathing in my ear Monday through Thursday nights. This obnoxious incursion into my conscious mind only came back when she left his side and slept alone, or so it appears to me. I believe she found that she needs to carve out hours of unobstructed meditation time daily to absorb herself in my domination and subversion. It was my hope that she be consumed with this boy, become pregnant with his child. Have her life become really involving and distracting. My wish was for it to become impossible for her to extract herself from him two nights a week and 3-4 hours per day. I wanted her to become far more invested and trapped by this physical and social entanglement. It would help my cause. I do intend to resume fasting in the next day or two. I pray to God that she will not attack it, nor be as successful in ruining my digestion process, this time around. God speed. Amen!
It's nearly 9am and I have been frozen mentally for the past five hours. This is so sad.
It is now past noon her time. My testicles and solar plexus are inflamed. She is intent on me coming. Where is her boyfriend? She has wasted her entire morning on me. She must be bored with him. I have shaken her out as best I can a few times already. I don't want to give in to these cravings she is inducing. It's harder to break free these days, with these new depths that God has enabled her to plumb. Fuck this cunt! Fuck it all! What a catastrophic waste of time and energy!
I hope her life becomes so saddled with distractions and obligations and duties that she barely has a moment free to consider me. I pray for that. So help me God. It is 11am and the past 7 hours have been a waste.
2:30pm. Her presence lightened a bit after noon my time. I think I was having a salad then, and she stopped stimulating my sexual region. But still, most of today, she has persisted in breathing in my left ear and shutting down the right ear by 85% compared to 1:30am this morning. She appears to be more deeply placed within me -- whatever that means -- and so is not as loud as usual; but still, the pressure and persistence is annoying and invasive. She's shocked my ear canals a number of times, too. Is her boyfriend on vacation with his family, away from her? Why has she gone Friday afternoon through today Sunday, basically inattentive to his needs? If she is pulling herself away from her primary duties to ensure my subordination, then I am honored. It must really feed her. Still, my plan and goal for the rest of my life is to put her behind me and to serve God without impediment, if God will have me. There must be a way through this. Please help me, God!
2022.7.5. Tuesday, 6:30am. Weight 200.0. Day six no pills.
Yesterday I was under such a thick thrall or blanket that I produced NO writing of consequence from 4am till 2pm or so when she finally pulled away. It appears her nights are with her boyfriend, for the most part, with his likely having a job or something that calls him away from 7am till 5pm daily. This would coincide with my enslavement hours. As usual, I am hoping that she finds herself busy someday, with less time and energy available for incarcerating me. I hope dearly for her to: A) have a job; B) need money; and/or C) become invested in school or work or family to such a degree that I become a secondary concern. Just as Manoa Valley was to me in 1994, so it is that my etheric and physical body are the terrain and testing ground for her own spiritual development. Largely, the girl has won. I have not been able to put up the fight that I did back in 1994. I am older; I have a career; and I am bewildered and very much under attack in a way that I have never experienced before. I have not been much of a challenge for this girl who has had seemingly no duties outside of me, and no financial concerns. She fully conquered her boyfriend and since that time has turned her sights fully on me, to great success. However the scales of justice are calibrated, God has given her my body, at least for the time being, I am sad to say. My "deliverance" -- or defeat -- appears to have happened on day two of this most recent fast.
But if this "win" and "gift" are fixed, then why was the succubus glued to me for the next ten days? Is a budding freedom within me still in play? She stuck with me till the enema on day 12, and my resumption of eating on day 13 (to promote what I thought was a damaged gastrointestinal function, but instead was a succubus induced paralysis of my colon and bladder function). It was only when I had resumed eating at about noon my time on day 13 that she disappeared and spent four nights in a row with her boyfriend. Seemingly, she had to remain with me for the duration of the fast.
If constant attention is the price of her successful dominion, then I am hopeful that her having a child, or a life that becomes more complicated, will help to open up more possibilities for freedom within me. I have to have hope in God and this path of mine. I have to believe that there will always be an avenue for freedom within me. I cannot believe that God has damned me for eternity. That is not something I can accept.
The presence yesterday was one of a brain annihilating "pall" or cloak that went mostly unfelt, but would sometimes manifest as a burning at my solar plexus and occasional pings at my heart. There was an unusually long and painful draw on my heart at about 2pm, which I presumed was her good bye for the night. Within minutes of this, I was able to focus better on my tax paperwork. But looking at the continued erosion of circulatory function, vis a vis the veins of my right inner thigh, most particularly, I know that I need far more help than a temporary lift of negative etheric energy. I have to root out this kernel of hate in my heart.
I was going to fast this morning, but two things happened. One is that there was the usual unwanted stimulation of my esophagus just behind the thymus. But worse was a novel burning of my stomach. The whole organ was lit up with an uncomfortable burning and churning. I don't think she's ever done this before. It went on for a half an hour until I dumped a bowl or two of heavy noodle and vegetable soup into it.
She spent three hours yesterday trying to have me orgasm. Numerous times I shook my torso and felt lesions across my solar plexus, heart down to left hip, and from prostate across the seminal vesicles to and including the testicles. It was disgusting because it was this same area that she caused intense pain when she shut down my excretion function. Why would I trust her with pleasure there now? Also, sometimes when they copulate, I feel a painful pressure on the outside left of my penis near the head. It just hurts. She is incapable of causing real pleasure in me. It is just a painful lust. This is so sad.
Miscllaneous Journal Entries
2022.9.17. Saturday, 9:34am. Weight 198.8. Day 19 no pills.
Much to say but I have to leave for errands in town shortly. Yesterday was very hard. From 8am onward, just about the entire day, I felt very out of it. I had difficulty attending to students and having my consciousness present and focused on my immediate environment, as there was so much interference and obstruction going on mentally. There was heart control off and on, as well as persistent ear breathing. By 4pm after 2 and a half hours of conversation with the nath and English teachers in my department, and others, I discovered that I had pain and tension in my heart muscle. I was able to do some contractions and stretching of my torso, finally releasing a painful, tense spot on my left, upper rib cage just below my arm pit that seemed to be an etheric pressure point for the succubus. I kneaded it until the pain and tension in that area vanished. Once the arm pit tension was released, so did the heart strain. I did do my one hour walk, which was a challenge given my time constraints.
Last night was a doozy. Most of the day my Kundalini sound was absent in the left ear and reduced by 80% in my right ear. But an hour after sleep, at 10pm, both ears were loud and unobstructed as, apparently, S had gone to sleep. There were no overt attacks till 12:15am, which meant that she slept just 3 hours. Perhaps her sleep deprivation is possible because she draws so much energy from me. I don't know. Anyway, moderate and persistent heart control was attempted through 2:30am or so, when she dialed it back a bit, I guess with sunrise in her part of the world. But for over two hours I beat back a cord of negative attention that began as a painful subtle lesion in my left ear canal, extending down through my heart and rib cage, left upper hip, upper left femur, and a pain brought from outside of me that pierced my right big toe, causing tension from the entire big toe and up into my foot a few inches. Variously, there were other attacks, such as to both sides of the medulla, and a two-inch radius of pain around my right ear. I cocked my head and shook out the pressure and pain from positions on the bed laying down and then standing up. I shook my torso at an angle to release the line of tension that extended down from my left rib cage to the left upper hip. I was doing a good job of this and midway through these efforts a mild but persistent authentic hunger pang sprang up in my stomach that grew a few inches across and stayed with me for over an hour. Between my kriyas and this spontaneous Kundalini or life force manifestation, the negative energy moderated considerably and I found myself able to get a couple of good hour-long sleep cycles with dreams between 3am and 5am. I awoke at 5:30am feeling reasonably coherent and optimistic. I pray to God that He continue to guide and protect me, and that this girl, who has NO RESPONSIBILITIES outside of my subversion, becomes distracted from her incredible focus upon me. Amen!
2022.9.18. Sunday, 7:44am. Weight 202.2. Day 20 no pills.
Yesterday, at 5:15pm, as well as at about the same time two days ago, I had my feet up on the wall and did my breathing and arms kriyas to reduce the force of heart control at work inside my torso. As I released this tension, there was also a release of tremendous heat or etheric force, such that my feet calves, thighs, torso, arms, and forehead all beaded up wtih sweat. I was dripping onto my bed during the ten minutes that I lay there with arched back, hands touching and arms extended down to my grown with shoulders rolled inward and frontal line contracted as I exhaled and held my body taut. The sweat and heat were not me. It was a powerful external force transmitting hateful energy into me via amrit nadi -- this transcendental connection between two people, with the terminus at my end being my heart muscle -- and amassing like a wrecking ball around my subtle body. I did not feel hot, yet this "heat" or release of negative etheric energy caused my body to react as if it were releasing actual heat. I mean, why would I be hot when I was doing nothing but laying down and breathing?
Prior to this unfortunate psychic invasion, I would do various breathing exercises of holding a full load of air in my lungs, slowly exhaling it, and then holding my empty lungs, with feet on the wall or not on the wall, and I never sweat. I might sense light headedness and giddiness, but I never sweat. I believe the heat is what is produced when two opposing etheric envelopes are forced to combat each other. In my case, I was squeezing her energy out of me, till all that was left was the subtle "anchor" (as I call it) of her projected identity embedded within my heart muscle. It appears that no kriya can remove that kernel, only an act of God.
I pigged out yesterday, finishing in six hours a half gallon of Acai Roots organic sorbet. That along with other excess intakes led to a (I hope) merely temporary gain of three pounds.
My Heart Goes On The Offensive - A Month Long Journal Excerpt
2022.10.24. Monday, 6:40am. Weight 205.5. Day 55 no pills.
From 1:30am till 5am when I dragged myself out of bed, there was a line of pain from left hip to rib cage and heart. Energy was being siphoned by her. I had numerous dreams of the devil, or some negative subtle demon that was haunting my world and possessing people around me, making their eyes light up red and such. It was on account of my watching the orcs in the Amazon "Lord of the Rings" production. I disbelieve most of the theology in it. My body bristled with fear 3 or 4 times when I encountered these demon creatures in my dreams. I felt the fear between my shoulder blades, as a rippling sensation.
My heart was in a little bit of pain. I was going to fast but folded. S caused quite an uproar in my esophagus. But then it passed. I am eating now. Oh well.
2022.10.26. Wednesday, 5:30am. Weight 202.9. Day 57.
By 3am my ears were mercifully unobstructed. They had gone a few days under attack. The last several days have been hard. Sustained pincer attacks from inside my heart combined with etheric force from the outside bearing down in a handful of areas, most especially just under my left arm pit, on the lateral, upper portion of my rib cage there. That area has been quite sore. It's been tough kneading it to release the pressure. The pressure point is resilient in the face of the pressure I've applied. It's a dangerous tack, but right now it appears that she does not have the focus or capacity to maintain it. I've been walking nightly, kneading and massaging wherever my hands can reach. But since the morning when my heart went on the offensive, perhaps last week Tuesday, S has been on a fairly all out attack, controlling my heart, doing rapid beats whenever I arise at night or move about during the day, attacks on different parts of the brain, and mostly attacking the heart directly. I have not felt well. I had my feet up on the wall at 5:20pm yesterday, with my arms spread wide in a crucifixion pose, and rather than feeling comfortably heavy, I felt a hot, or at least burning, bothersome pressure throughout my body. I reflected that my being is definitely NOT at ease with this negative force cloaked about me, plying my nervous and circulatory systems.
Also, many episodes of unusual pain. She really attacked my testicles yesterday. The pain was exquisitely sharp. I suppose I should endeavor to fast, but I would prefer to do so during vacation time.
May God help us all!
2022.10.27. Thursday, 6:45am. Weight 202.2. Day 58.
Had several etheric attacks on chest yesterday, and deep control beats for a few hours. I ended up taking a walk at 6pm, and felt positively miserable for the bulk of the hike. I continued to knead my brachial plexus, rib cage, shoulders, face and so forth, and after 45 minutes I felt a little bit clearer. During the night I was left largely alone. Interesting to note that when I am not being bothered, I have more detailed and colorful dreams, and a much easier time recalling them.
I may be stuck with this girl for life. I need to fast and do everything I can to reduce her presence in me. God must take pity on my case, although I think the decision to 86 me has already been made. I do not want to be a failed case, but it looks more like that is what I am.
May God help us all.
2022.10.30. Sunday, 5:20am. Weight 201.8 yesterday morning, 201.2 Friday after work, and 205.6 this morning. I had a lot of soup yesterday. Day 61 no drugs.
I believe that for almost two weeks, since my heart went on the offensive briefly, there was an intense effort to overpower and shut down my heart. This effort paused yesterday after I masturbated. I don't know whether S went to a party, went out with friends, went to her boyfriend for a while, or some combination of these. It wasn't until 3am or so that I felt lesions in my lower back that enabled her to cause erections and stimulate my testicles. So I shook those out. It was at that time that heart control returned, as well as noise in my left ear. I surmise that she was not with her boyfriend at 6am her time. But now at 5:00am my time, she is not bothering me in an overt manner. For the past 12 days or so I wondered, how much longer can she maintain this? Clearly, she had nothing to distract her. Now, given that it is Halloween, she has reasons to socialize. But I am talking about existential or occupational commitments that pull on her 12 hours per day and force her to husband her energies better, e.g., requiring her sleep eight hours a night without bothering me so.
Over these past 12 days I had 50-100 attacks on my heart and surrounding tissues each day. Thrusts of energy here and there; movements and attacks within the heart itself; and long, drawn out pincer movements where there would be sustained pressure and pain under my left arm pit, or along the spine and scapula on the left side. I would feel prickling of energy at my left elbow, bicep, shoulder, even the hand. For much of the day and night, my left arm would be weak and it would be painful to have to contract my bicep to lift something. I would lean over or twist and I would feel a mild pain in my heart from the pressure. It was yesterday that I noticed a worsening of veins on my left inner thigh.
The two weeks of attack certainly wore me down. As I did my 70-minute walk the last few nights, I felt my heart growing weak and mushy. There was a rotten quality to its contractions. I walked in a daze, comatose, with a lack of resolve or hope that I would endure this and prevail. But my heart began to spring back last night, with the negative etheric pressure absent for a few hours.
There were several-hour stretches at school where I felt exceptionally crushed. I sensed no immediate cause. There was no obvious movement of energy here or there that I could point to. I figured that the attack was within my heart, or some deeper etheric strata within me that she was choking off.
There were the usual attacks on my esophagus in the mornings. I showed zero resolve to fast. I mean, if a 12 day fast did nothing for me over the summer, what will a shorter fast now do? And my work is engrossing. I don't feel like engaging etheric warfare at this time.
It saddens me to be stuck in this subtle quagmire as I am. I am losing more cognitive and physiologic capacity with each passing month, or so it seems.
May God help us all! Amen!
2022.10.31. Monday, 5:49am. Weight 203.3. Day 62 no drugs.
I was on my longer hike by 3pm, so earlier than usual. I felt listless on the hike. No desire to bring energies down through my crown and into my body, intent, primarily, on strengthening my body and waiting out this girl's own life till she becomes more preoccupied and distracted, thereby giving me an advantage.
It does appear that her oozing etheric takeover is now focused principally upon the heart. There is an occlusion there that causes my whole demeanor to depress and rot. I had little happiness or exuberance on the walk, though the views of clouds at eye level across the sea, and being rained upon, were extraordinary.
There was an obnoxious heart control with excess force most of the night. Whenever I arose to urinate it would race. I would spend a few minutes after, laying on my side contracting against the heart where, if I was lucky, the force would reduce by just half. It let up finally at 1 or 2am my time when, presumably, she was sleeping.
The breathing in my ear and light control stopped abruptly at 4am, shifting to etheric attacks along the left side of my rib cage near the armpit, with occasional blasts under the bottom front rib cage on either side of the xyphoid process. My left arm became weak and pained. I wasn’t able to sleep after this, as I defensively tightened the muscles of my torso wherever I felt her.
When I had an apple, and now a banana, an hour later, there grows a mildly painful tension in my heart muscle itself, as if to say that the mere act of ingesting material food gives her license to harm me. She clearly is following a set of rules that I, for the most part, reject. I have no interest in fasting at this time, especially when working full time in such an engrossing occupation as I do.
May God help us all achieve the spiritual realization that we seek! Amen!
2022.11.1. Tuesday, 5:40am. Weight 202.8. Day 63.
Lots of off beats yesterday. By 3pm I was pretty shell shocked. Nice day of Halloween dress up festivities at school. Again, feeling hammered and drained, I went for a walk early, at 5:20pm. I felt like I was plowing through a 10 ft high wall of snow as I walked. When I got to the base again to repeat the 27-minute uphill route, it was quite difficult to keep moving. But I did and moved with less resistance a few minutes in. During the late afternoon and evening, every time I took a bite of food, I felt tension in my heart increase. I felt annoyed and fatalistic about this. During the walk, the unwanted movement and pressure in my heart diminished. But I felt no interest in marshalling forces above me. I was content to just be present in my body, the fuller and stronger my presence the better.
I went to bed at 8:40pm. There was excessive force while I slept and rapid beats when I awoke to urinate. This all stopped at about 1am when I presume the girl went to sleep, finally. At 4am or so I felt some weak cycling through my torso and brain. I do feel a pall over me now, but it is weaker than usual. I assume that S is distracted this morning. I hope she has to work today, or is otherwise engaged productively.
May God help us all. Amen!
2022.11.2. Wednesday, 6:30pm. Weight 202.2. Day 64 no pills.
Yesterday at school the etheric grip over me was weaker. I had authentic hunger pangs late morning, as I had just some fruit for breakfast. It was easier for me to eat lightly. But by 3 or 4pm, there was a strange etheric pressure on my mind and torso. It was like I was heating up from the pressure. There were some lesions at the top of my solar plexus, as well. This feeling of discomfort persisted through much of my hike, but also was associated with a marked decrease in left arm pain, etheric attacks to my abdomen and heart, and general pressure and pain in the heart. When I went to bed and throughout the night I felt considerably more free. She had sent small attacks to my crown, frontal lobes, left arm, etc., but they were weaker than usual. I did not get the sense that she was distracted. She was with me last night, but just weaker in her connection to me.
Two nights ago, I repeated several times, "I rebuke her presence in me. I deny her claim upon this body. I serve God alone." By the third or fourth time I felt a small release of energy and a more positive orientation.
Either S is flubbing up in her own life, or my prayers and reduced intake are being heeded. The attacks continued this morning, but weaker than usual. I did reach for a handful of nuts and chocolate after the papaya and apple, so I have not been on the straight and narrow this morning.
May God help us all achieve the spiritual insight we seek. Amen!
2022.11.3. Thursday, 6:10am. Weight 203.0. Day 65 no pills. Weighed 201.2 yesterday when I got home. Must stop buying the discount low quality sandwiches and prepared foods at the local grocery store.
Yesterday at school and during early evening on my hike, I was relatively unmolested. But when I got home after school, with each of the first 3 bites of food I felt simultaneous attacks at the bottom of my left scapula and left elbow. They were sharp etheric pricks. It was so obnoxious. Every bite of food, apparently, was an invitation to attack. It was ludicrous. I was eating salad, followed by kale soup, with some organic corn grits mixed in.
But from 10:30pm on, till 5:30am or so, I was molested pretty much nonstop, with as harsh a beat as she could manage, and quickened pace. It raced hard whenever I stood up. She went all out all night long. I am feeling fairly shell shocked at this time. It was the worst night long attack I've had in a month or two. My left arm was sore and weak most of the night.
Lord, I rebuke this girl. I deny her claim on my body. I serve only you, Lord. Amen.
2022.11.6. Sunday, 5:36am. Weight 204.1 (201.8 yesterday morning). Day 68 no pills.
Yesterday and last night there were numerous taps of my heart and body. I would stretch and feel tension around my sinoatrial node that extended up through my chest to the boney mass around my right ear. I felt a couple of shocks to the right ear canal. The left ear has been largely silent since Friday afternoon, and the right ear just a squeak. The log jam broke up last night at 1am or so, when both ears were loud static, with a high pitched resonant K sound dimly audible above it all in the right ear. By the time I awoke at 5am, both ears were clearer and more resonant, although much more static on left side. I have had extensive taps of my left hip socket that have been challenging to shake out. They are embedded deeply, right over the femur bone at the socket. When I walk I sometimes limp because of slightly painful etheric tension there. I will continue to raise my leg and shake it this way and that as I move it about. I search for a particularly tense angle and focus on shaking that.
6:10am. I just laid down for 10 minutes. There was a throbbing control beat that paralyzed my thinking. I am SO wishing that S has activities planned today. She is a stay-at-home LOSER. Girl, get a job! Get a boyfriend! Get pregnant! Go to school! Be occupied!
There was a healthy tension throughout my body Saturday morning for a few hours, something that happens on occasion when I have just some fruit for breakfast and am feeling pretty good. I will move and a whole muscle group becomes tight. It is not the superficial etheric taps brought on by the succubus. They are deeper than that.
Last night I would awaken and there would be pain and weakness in different areas of my back, mostly behind or near the heart muscle. I would arch my back some, or otherwise tighten the muscles of that area, and strength and health would return.
Right now, I am struggling with what to eat next. I had a papaya and an apple, and now I am trying not to eat several spoonfuls of almonds and chocolate. I would be better served to have just a banana or two and no more.
2022.11.7. Monday, 5:45am. Weight 204.5. Day 69 no pills.
The succubus has been on me tightly for almost three weeks now, or since that morning three Tuesdays ago when my heart fought back. It was a weak defense. It was doing the best it could. And she has been sledge hammering me since. She is not with a guy. She is focused on me every night and morning, and as many of her waking daytime hours as she can.
At 2:00am this morning she began in earnest painfully drawing energy from my testicles, siphoning their essence to my left hip and then in a wide swath of etheric entanglement up my left side and, presumably into my heart. It is this whole separate pathway outside my body's native processes. I continued to feel negative tensions here and there on my left side, and I would contract my muscles mightily against them. I felt various taps in my heart, too. I don't feel the flow of energy into my heart, so I am not sure where my own resources are going. Are they released through amrit nadi via the heart, back to her? Although I don't sense energy leaving through my solar plexus bindu point, I cannot rule that out with certainty. Dealing with this when I still have two hours of sleep is very unhealthy. Without this ongoing bother, I would be leaping out of bed an hour or more earlier, with much greater intellectual capacity than I have these days. As it is, I am groggy when I arise, and I have little cognitive staying power. I don't get the sense that any subtle essences make their way to my brain anymore. I masturbated yesterday, so she was feasting on my gonads' labor at 2 and 3am. Those juices are for ME and MY body, thank you! I felt no release in my thymus gland yesterday when I came. I must have spent 4 hours yesterday looking at porn, mostly Alexis Love videos and images. When I came, there was a hint of painful contractions in my heart, pings from S's implant there.
I need to be MUCH more circumspect with my intake. I need to get down to 180 or so and stay there. And I need to eat more raw, unprocessed foods.
May God help me win out and be done with this struggle.
2022.11.9. Wednesday, 6:30am. Weight 203.8. (201.1 yesterday morning.) Day 71 no pills.
Felt very strange yesterday. Like my consciousness was in heavy glue. I walked around in a daze. I looked in the mirror at Macy's and I have aged considerably. I did have some positive conversations with people. It was election day, and the State of Hawaii declared a holiday, so I did not need to be at school. I hear a dim false heartbeat in my left ear but it is faint. The heart control and etheric tension was light Monday night, and very light last night and today. I have had almost NO left arm pain or weakness in almost two days.
I had a small arising of anger Monday night on my walk, where from my pituitary gland I focused on my body becoming the sun, literally filling and bursting forth with this golden light. It was not an awesome concentration feat, but I did feel positive traction within me. I prayed, "Lord, this body serves you. This vehicle is yours to uplift humanity. This vehicle is not the plaything of this evil force." Etc. I proceeded to massage all over my body. I spent probably three hours after 9pm off and on massaging here and there, trying to trigger life and love in my body. I want my body to crush her. My body knows God. My body knows it serves God and not this traumatized, vengeful girl. So it was that Monday night and for several hours yesterday, whenever I moved, I felt positive tension in my body, with my muscles seizing up and my having to relax them or else I would trip. I think this was going on also some on Monday at school. I am hoping for this girl to falter in her conviction and capacity to focus so powerfully on me. I wish for my body, that already knows who its Master is, to win out for me. My mind has always served my body, to the best of its ability.
May today be blessed. Amen.
2022.11.13. Sunday, 1:45pm. Day 75 without pills.
It's been a shit show. Very involving. I've been trying since 5am to write this entry and have been beset by spikes and pressures in my heart, probing down deep into my hip joint -- more the upper left outer top portion of my hip -- with tethers to the left bottom of my ribcage, et cetera most of the day. I think I am going to just go on a hike. Fuck her. I have WAY overeaten today, after crying yesterday a fair amount, contemplating my deepest desire to be a manifestation of Godhead in human form and helping others to learn, identify, grow, heal, and evolve their own worlds. Hike it is. Amen.
2022.11.14. Monday, 6:15am. Weight 205.0. Took a pill last night.
For the past couple of days there have been numerous painful expansions or penetrations into my left upper outside hip. They have affected the bone, but mostly the nerves and other tissues on the outside of the bone. She has also been able to tap and cause pain to the very tip of the femur within the hip socket. This new activity has occurred at the same time that there has arisen an explosion of attacks all around my heart and ribcage. This is an unprecedented level of attack in terms of its consistency and longevity. The heart control and nerve pathway attacks did not let up till 5am this morning, when she finally slept lightly, still maintaining her control beat, but 80% reduced in force. Even now, at 6:25am, she is still sending small barbs and pressures to my heart region. I have had two apples and am currently in the process of eating three frozen apple bananas. So I am not trying to fast. I awoke with cotton mouth, which is partly due to Trazodone I took at 9:00pm. I did so last night, the first time in 75 days, because my brain was taut from her influence, and her downward push from my heart into my hip, along with a light anxiety tension she maintained at my solar plexus bindu point. I knew that I had to disrupt this unwanted activity however I could.
Has God really relegated me to this etheric torture chamber for the rest of my life? And can this cunt of a girl, who may have meant me harm from the get-go, be able to stay up all night till 7am, and then lounge about and nap all day till it is night again, until she saps me entirely of my life force, destroying my health and career? When will her life have more demands? When will her father stop paying her bills? A night like last night would not be possible if she had any expectations upon her beyond those of a 12-year-old. And all these off beats, that have been nearly nonstop for two days! They must end! I pray that my heart does not give out. I pray that my body and heart stand up to this toxic indwelling for as long as it takes for me to win my freedom.
May God grant me strength, wisdom, and faith to see this trauma through, and reclaim this body to serve God. Amen.
Yes, her claws are deeper in me now. She may have erred a month ago, but through assiduous application of intention and energy, she is now able to cause relatively strong heart racing whenever she chooses. The weakness and lack of traction has now passed. She's got a mean hold on my heart again. Fuck.
2022.11.15. Tuesday, 6:00am. Weight 204.2. Day one no pills.
Light control last night. Was in a bit of a stupor yesterday. Felt clearer late afternoon. There was persistent but weak control most of the night. At 4:30am I felt my medulla region tapped, so I arched my neck and did a vibration kriya of the area, holding my back taut too, and I felt a cord of etheric tension from my heart to my head grow tight with pain and then slowly ebb. At 5:30am I felt uncomfortable tension in my heart, so I bent my left arm, raise it parallel with the ground, tightened my left scapula area, and then shook vigorously. This triggered quite a spasm throughout the heart muscle and back. Even breathing is painful right now. Though this will likely pass, my thinking is already a bit clearer, as this etheric lesion within me is being contained more than usual. I don't believe I have tightened my muscles in this area while shaking vigorously before. It has helped. Praise God.
2022.11.16. Wednesday, 6:45am. Weight 203.2. Day 2 no pills.
I am no into my second day of heart spasm, with some additional tension at scapula. It had lessened to half of what it started at yesterday morning, and so I was held in traction with heart control throbs and some earlier pain to frontal lobes. I had to lay down for two 10-minute sessions. Then maybe 30 minutes ago as I was brushing my teeth, and when I did a mild snorting or abrupt inhalation, the heart contraction doubled in intensity, with significant and pain and tension throughout and around the heart. I found myself ruminating then and earlier: How long will this mild tension that largely holds her in abeyance stick? How long can I handle it? I pretty much pledged to pit my heart against hers, and whoever loses, loses. If my heart can't win, then I will concede and croak if that is what is called for. But let's get to it. I want a conclusion to this matter. This limbo gray state is unacceptable, for both of us, I imagine. Even now when I breathe, especially deeper inhalations, there is significant pain on my left side. So, if this is sustained, will she bow out? I was annoyed that she clearly had NOTHING to do but molest me from 5am till 9am her time today. She has NO duties. When will her father, her benefactor, make her find employment? It can't come too soon. I estimate that the level of pain and tension I feel is still half or 40% of what is required to outright evict her. I will endeavor to trust this this time, and if Kundalini goes full out to help me, that I will not pull back. This is obviously an etheric immune response. I must see this through. It is my only chance of obtaining freedom. God speed to all! Amen.
2022.11.19. Saturday, 6:00am. Weight 203.7. Day 5 no pills.
I am now four days into the positive etheric tension surrounding my heart that began on November 15 at 5:30am. Normally when these things are Kundalini-driven, they drop off by the third day. But this has continued, and for that I am delighted.
But there are several clarifications and caveats to share here.
(It is 6:35am and a minor spike of negative energy just hit by right eyebrow and frontal lobe. My etheric tension is largely holding this manifestation in check, but not entirely. I have made zero effort to fast. I was hit with a large crawling false hunger sensation in my upper esophagus immediately upon waking. I quickly ate a papaya and apple, and thirty minutes later, some chocolate and walnuts. I hope these mundane acts don't diminish my support.)
I think the tension was quite strong the first day, and perhaps it renewed itself largely on the second day. But by the third day it had reduced, and seemed to have stabilized at a certain level. On the first and second days, I was struck with a sore throat, which is something I rarely get. And my face looked exceptionally depleted and haggard. My best guess is that this Kundalini action was not getting any Holy Spirit boost. Yes, it was a higher order focus upon my heart, but it relied solely on the energies under my direct control and over which I have legitimate claim. And when these energies were drawn into a defensive, and hopefully offensive posture around my heart, it was done at the expense of the vitality of the rest of my body. I looked at myself in the mirror and was concerned by the lack of health revealed there. There was a near absence of shine. The amount of energy needed to battle this inner demon was dangerous to my ability to maintain health. It was something that could be tolerated for a day or two, but over the course of several days could be life threatening, or at least highly disruptive to my own health maintenance needs.
So it is that on the third day that all the Kundalini blocks and attacks went to about half of what they had been, and remain there now, with minor ebbs and flows. The first night there was no heart pounding or noticeable incursions here or there. Her movements were mostly circumscribed. The second night there was a small amount of heart control, hip tap, and etheric spiking here and there. And then last night it was moderately annoying with the heart racing, off beats etc. But now that I am awake, the blocking in my body has strengthened.
There have been lots of painful spikes into my left big toe, coming down onto and through the toe nail over the last few weeks, and continuing off and on through this most recent challenge.
Where does this go from here? I carried out the duties of my employment yesterday pretty well. But I was more tired than I wanted to be, and my face lacked the shine that I would normally have. Is this girl completely responsibility free at this time? Will a shift in her level of external commitments mean a reprieve for me, and an increased ability to root her out? Can I sustain this Kundalini attack, that is drawing only on energy native to me? Will this girl continue to grow in strength within me, with my having to drain my own resources little by little in order to contain her? I do believe that this contest has been accelerated. I think I consented to an expedited resolution of my heart pitted against hers, even if it means I may die sooner than I had hoped. What is going on between us should not be tolerated. It is inherently distracting and diminishing to the two of us. The fact that she so eagerly caused hunger in me today means -- given that she is a much more dutiful student of the occult than I am -- that I should be much more serious and resolved about this than I am. But I work so hard and even today, my Saturday day off, I have an all-day commitment to work at school on our fundraiser that we have planned for for weeks. Fasting and inner contemplation are the last things on my mind.
I prayed to God last night to give me the strength, resolve, and discernment to see this through to a successful conclusion in my favor. May this be so.
May God help us all. Amen.
2022.11.21. Monday. 6:45am. Day 7 no pills.
For hours yesterday I lay enthralled under her heart control. When there was that moderate control beat, heavily pulling upon my heart, I just lay on my bed and took it. I created little intellectual output. I ended up masturbating at 1pm or so. She was very connected to me at that time. I felt 4-5 pinching painful draws on a tiny area one fourth the size of a dime on the outside of my heart muscle as my body convulsed. I was in a relative stupor most of the day, but I did putter about and get a few things done.
It is now six days of tension about my heart. It was stronger the first two days and now seems to have plateaued, with mild to moderate tension at scapula, lower back and front to heart. My face doesn't look as haggard as it did the first two days, so there is less of an etheric draw on me to fight this infestation. But yesterday my etheric defense was weaker still. Her constant efforts to overcome my subtle defenses have worn me down; she has greater control now.
Last night was bad. I had moderate to strong staccato beats from 9pm till 2:30am, then a smaller sharp beat also with breathing in ear, till I awoke at 4:30am. Then she took an hour off and went back at it with me at 5:30am. She appears distracted now finally at 7:05am. My left arm was sore and weak during the night. It only felt better after 2:30am when the staccato beats were minimized.
I had eaten three organic burritos with extra cheese and salsa last night at 7pm, I think triggering or greenlighting the attack. The positive tension in my torso weakens at night and was almost imperceptible last night; unless I inhaled deeply I could barely feel it. Now it is morning and I feel a stronger defense. I think it is clear that I need to fast. It didn't help that all day from 8am till 4pm I was dealing with a school fair on Saturday.
I've been reading articles on the increased incidence of myocarditis in people who have been exposed the materials inside the COVID injections. There is evidence that just being around vaxxed people can put others at risk. Sometimes I wonder whether my heart is enlarged now. I hope it is not, and that all this pressure is subtle and not even partly a physical inflammation.
May God help us all. Amen.
2022.11.22. Tuesday, 8:12am. Weight 204.4. Day 8 no pills.
Last night and this morning it appears that my positive etheric tension is down to about 5% of what it was seven days ago. It is the case that the first two days the negative etheric activity was reduced by 95% with no excessively strong heart beats, staccato beats, or incursions into my brain, hips, or solar plexus. But, and this is the fascinating thing: my face was ashen with zero glow and I had a sore throat two days in a row, with some green phlegm, out of the blue at the same time. What this showed me clearly is that this innate subtle immune system response comes at the expense of my overall vitality in a huge way. It drew upon energy throughout my being to eject the girl, and even with all my force available, it was only half of what it needed to be, in my best estimation. I looked and felt like shit. I was really tired. There was great tension in my torso, all directed at and within my heart muscle. I thought to myself that this was too much. That I could not sustain this. So it was on the third day the response within me lessened; I felt much better, and my face had more light in it, and my throat felt good again, but the containment energy brought to bear on her was half of what it was.
I am figuring that I need to fast again and live much more spiritually, in order to access more subtle energy. I think I can find another 25% if I am fasting, but I am sensing that that last 25% necessary to evict this soul wrecking presence can only come from the Holy Spirit. I don't know that I have access to that anymore, at least not as long as the girl lives as devoted to my demise as she is at this time. She must get pregnant, be distracted, fall into harm's way somehow for me to find a path out of this without divine support.
May God help us all! Amen!
2022.11.25. Friday, 9:30am. Weight 206.0. Day 11 no pills.
There was shift last week Tuesday. The month prior I was beset by increasingly painful etheric spires shooting out of and within my heart muscle, as well as exceptionally aggressive attacks going down my rib cage, hips, and into my feet. I was in a really bad way. I had taken a sleeping pill for the first time in three months, two nights earlier on Sunday night. There was the annoying lock on my medulla area, combined with the anxiety at my solar plexus, and I said to myself that I am not playing this game, that I have to sleep for work, in recognition that I have a set of duties that this layabout succubus does not herself have to face.
I felt these spires for the first time, just briefly, back in late June, or about four months ago. What was novel about them was the intense pain they brought. There was a sharpness and intensity that was new and troubling. They represented, it appeared to me, a "next stage" in the destruction of the spiritual aspirant. What had once been just obnoxious energy and heart beat abuse, was transformed into something more capable of finally killing me.
A week prior to the shift my left arm had been exceptionally weak, especially at night, with various pains springing up on the left side of my torso whenever I awoke, indicating where external energy had punctured me to assist this girl's malfeasance within the heart itself.
I begged and moaned and prayed much of the week. I was intellectually clear about my intentions. But my emotions were barely involved. Maybe one time my eyes misted over, and I felt some tension release at my tonsils, but not further down than that. My torso and frontal line, for the most part, continued to be the domain of this hostile takeover of my subtle body.
So it was that in response to ongoing painful attacks of one sort or another, in the morning two Tuesdays back, that I cocked my left arm, tightened every muscle that I could on the left side of my torso, and began to shake vigorously, focusing my mind on the heart. It was within just of few seconds of beginning this that an exceptional tension arose within and around the heart muscle. All of a sudden it was painful to bend, twist or inhale deeply. Although initially troubled, I assessed the scope and strength of what I saw within me, concluding that there was no way that this etheric manifestation could be due to the succubus. It had to be an etheric immune system response to the torso kriya I had just engaged.
The shift was an exceptional gathering of etheric energy within and around my heart muscle. The tension extended in 3-6 inch envelope surrounding the muscle.
This was awesome. There is no contesting that. For the next two days there was almost no heart beat control, or it was so weak as to be negligible. As well, there were zero incursions into my brain or elsewhere, and there were none of the painful spikes I had felt previously.
But my defense came at a price. I was getting no help from the Holy Spirit. This was just "me" and what my own innate resources could bring to bear. So it was that on my way to work on the first day that I noticed that I had a sore throat. It had been a good year or longer since I had last had one. My tonsils and throat felt devitalized and sore. Several hours later while at work, and after several excellent interactions with students and staff, and having eaten lightly, I looked in the mirror and my face appeared deadened. It was gray. The shine had been taken from me. I had not recalled looking so poorly in a long, long time. The sore throat and ashen face continued into the next day. It was on my evening walk on day two of this that I determined that this was all too much. I figured that all this tension was still only half of the intensity needed to evict this girl. I would need God's help to complete the task, or perhaps an extended fast that either triggered God's involvement, or concentrated sufficient force within me to finally get rid of her. I thought, too, that an ongoing intensity over time might be able cause some etheric breakdown or diminishment in her. But looking and feeling like I did, I determined that there was no way I could maintain the current force around my heart.
So it was that for the next three or four days the tension around and within my heart decreased until it is where it is now, varying between 5 and 10 percent of what it was it first.
What I have found is that the force is sufficient to keep her from excessive heart manipulation. I also do not have the sharp etheric spikes that I had before. My face looks more radiant. But I've been eating more, inexplicably, and I've had less desire to take walks, so I have gained weight.
Unfortunately, I continue to be harassed, though not as painfully as before. Her main line of assault is a long slow, deep heart control with heavy slow beats over a 10-45 minute period, where I cannot think. I really have to shut down. I lie on the bed. I get sexual cravings. Even if I don't masturbate, I arise tired. I believe she not only synchs with me for her own sense of pleasure, but she lifts energy off of me, which is another signature aim of hers.
The last couple of nights I have felt the tension around my heart grow in the hours preceding bedtime. Sometimes the tension continues in a wide path down the left side of the back, anchoring deep in my buttocks, parallel with my coccyx. This is excellent, anticipatory work, and I must thank God or Kundalini for this vigilance, although I would like to think that it is owed to me since my body is being trashed by this girl's etheric extension and I should have control over at least some endemic etheric supports to protect me. Meaning all of this should not be merely offered to me when the Goddess Kundalini feels like it. I need and deserve this support all the time, thank you very much.
2022.11.26. Saturday, 3:30pm. Weight 206.1. Day 12 no pills.
As I passed stool through my descending colon this morning, I felt a sharp pain or shock in my heart. Eight hours later, I laid down to massage the colon area. I did it vigorously. I felt a cord of painful tension from the underside of the colon leading directly to my heart, the path laying close to the skin. There was an associated pain and tension in my heart that reluctantly released as I massaged the colon. This is getting serious. Clearly, she was feeding on all the energy pooling for my body's reclamation etherically there at the bottom of my digestive tract.
As I stood at the Farmer's Market today, I looked down to observe all the dark gray patches under my skin. They are collections of damaged or heavily aged veins of my circulatory system. My legs looked like they belonged to a 90-year-old.
Yesterday, as I did my 75-minute walk, it felt like I was passing through a thick spiderweb of obstructing energy. I felt pricks of hostility flare up at both my brows, my forehead, crown, shoulders, elbows and hands, a variety of places on my torso, and a more powerful plunge of pain through the top of my left big toenail several times. It took a good 30 minutes before the attacks subsided. This cloud of hostility was coincident with heavy heart beats that made the pulse in my throat about three or four times the force of normal. This is an ongoing trauma to the health of my blood vessels.
The past two nights I have been under attack nearly the entire night. I think Thursday night it didn't let up till 7am her time, 5am mine. Then maybe it was quiet for a couple of hours before she was back at it. Last night my heart was rocking and rolling with off beats, missed beats, excessive force, and whatever other trauma she could manage till 4am, at which point it became quiet mostly, apart from the lesion connecting my heart to my gastrointestinal tract that sprang up in pain as I pushed some fecal matter out of me. This whole thing is a disgusting farce -- an ignoble end to an otherwise life lived -- in my estimation, at least -- virtuously.
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