Electromagnetic Radiation Hypersensitivity - Kundalini Physical Symptoms - Hiking Forest Prana - Massage - Stimulate Energy Flow or The Healing Event And The 100-Fold Increased Sensitization To Electromagnetic Radiation

Electromagnetic Radiation Hypersensitivity - Kundalini Physical Symptoms - Hiking Forest Prana - Massage - Stimulate Energy Flow

The Healing Event And The 100-Fold Increased Sensitization To Electromagnetic Radiation

There is an auspicious sensation of heaviness and energetic intensity building in the area extending from my throat to my solar plexus, and across to both nipples. The terminus for this intensity is a marble-sized node one inch below my right nipple and about a half-inch into the body. This symmetrical heaviness and intensity exerts a downward gravitational pull that is like a simultaneous falling downward of my consciousness into my chest and inward upon itself at the center of my brain.

Both the muscular action of swallowing and an intrusive verbal analysis bring the cresting intensity to an immediate halt.

I predict that this sensation of heaviness will culminate in the "uncorking" of my self-consciousness from my brain's center, with an associated grounding of my consciousness into my chest and body. I hope for a descencion of cerebrospinal and lymphatic fluid into these areas, much as had occurred on three separate occasions in 1994.

I hope, also, for the return of the spontaneous, lightning-fast descent of kundalini energy throughout my entire body that attempted to ground me -- on several occasions -- in a state of whole-body enlightenment in November 1994.

My sadhana, or spiritual practice, includes compulsively massaging all areas of my body -- especially my chest, abdomen, and lower back -- in order to stimulate the flow of energy within me.

Though I have experienced some major physiological setbacks, the process of subtle energy intensification within me is once again steamrolling. Very soon some milestone will be achieved.

What I seek is a massive downpour of energy throughout my body -- comparable to the descent of Shakti I experienced in November of 1994 -- that is so symmetrical, fast, and powerful that I cannot locate its epicenter or even a particular node.

One's toes ought to be just as enlightened -- just as involved and spiritually-tethered -- as the node under one's right nipple, one's heart muscle, or one's pineal and thymus glands.

I attempted to hike the Manoa Falls trail, after having avoided the area for some weeks. I still find the EMF presence intolerable on account of the Round Top transmitting facility overlooking the valley.

Electrical sensitivity symptoms on the trail include an intense burning in my thyroid gland, thymus gland, forehead, and the center of my brain. These sensations cease immediately upon my leaving such manmade electromagnetic field "hot spots."

There are striking, unmistakable differences between positive physical kundalini symptoms and those of my hypersensitivity to artificial electromagnetic radiation. Some of the positive physical symptoms include a neutral or pleasant heaviness and pressure throughout my body that is symmetrical, grounded, and non-threatening. This sensation -- a sensation that has characterized my kundalini symptoms since July 1994 -- contrasts with those induced by manmade EMF: sharp, discordant sound and pain; painful heat and pressure that is asymmetrical; and a perception that I am being violated or threatened emotionally and energetically.

My physiological reaction to manmade EMF is one of an abstract tightness, a bewildered bodily response to a foreign, lifeless, unnatural source of energy. Everything that I've experienced so far tells me that the presence of artificial electromagnetic energy is a spiritual roadblock, a total obstruction to feeling.

I am indebted to the incredibly vital environment of Manoa Valley, especially the upper reaches that I access daily via its hiking trails. This physiological and aerobic practice is my sadhana. It is a grounding, meditative activity that produces deep coherence in every cell and energetic node in my body. It is on account of my practice of trekking up and down these mountains every day, rain or shine, that my spiritual path has developed the kind of depth and integrity that it has.

It is therefore a source of profound dismay that this nascient subtle energy sensitivity, undoubtedly auspicious under all normal and healthful circumstances, places my consciousness and physical health at risk. Being barred from access to these fertle paths due to their being blanketed by Round Top's poisonous microwave energy transmissions is worse than the death of a loved one: it is the death of oneself.

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 23, 1995

1995.12.23. Saturday. (Tape #51, continued.) It's Saturday morning, and I'm in here under the dense forest canopy at the beginning of the Manoa Falls trail. I'm going to see how far I can go before the feeling I get from the microwave facility's EMFs become too troublesome for me to continue. Already I'm feeling them as a headache. I'm only at the beginning, and am now just entering the main forest. I'm only about a minute from the parking lot. (Sigh.) I'm just giving this a try. I haven't been here in a few weeks.

(Pause, continued hiking.) Yes, it's just like I remember. The EMF presence is strong. It's no good. This is no place for me to hike. But I'll go for a while more, because I'm persistent. I want to be triply sure.

(Pause.) Last night was really wild. From my collar bone -- that little open area below my throat -- across to both of my nipples -- even a little wider than that -- and down to just above my solar plexus there was a strong feeling of heaviness and pressure. It was even slightly painful. It was at its most painful as the feeling of intensity and pressure crested. (Fuck! -- excuse me -- fucking spider webs!) Although everything was involved, the final node, or terminus of the whole thing, seemed to be located on the right side of my chest, about an inch below my right nipple, and about a half-inch to an inch into the body. I felt a little node there, about the size of a marble -- or smaller, the size of a Pachinko ball. That was where the main pulse, or event, was. As the feeling of intensity there -- and over the whole chest -- grew stronger --- (Wow! They [The Sierra Club and the Division of Forestry and Wildlife] have done some excellent restorative work here. The trail sure needed it.) --- I felt my brain start to grow heavy and be pulled downward. As the weight of gravity was taking it down I felt a tightening in the center of my brain and in my forehead. As it got tighter, my brain felt like it was simultaneously falling downward into the chest, and inward into itself. As the feeling grew stronger I reached a scary, critical stage. I knew it was a critical point when I was spontaneously thinking, "This is it" or "I'm becoming a point of light" or something like that. Then I kind of blew it -- well, maybe not really blew it. I had to stop relaxing into this because I had a great desire to swallow. So I swallowed hard a couple of times. That stopped everything. So the process didn't go farther than that. But this was the strongest, most symmetrical, most appropriate, most healthful-feeling attempt on the part of this process to get me in a while.

My sense is that when it finally snaps -- when my conscious center of gravity falls into my chest -- it will be kind of like -- as I've said before -- a complete uncorking of my central nervous system. There will probably be a draining off -- like I felt entering my pancreas gland before -- of considerable cerebrospinal fluid from my brain down into my chest. For instance, in my chest where I feel heaviness and pressure now, I will likely feel something considerably more ecstatic, something more like bliss, love, or what-have-you. My main concern has to do with the integrity or overall vitality of this process. Over the last few days I've felt compelled to spontaneously massage the front and sides of my abdomen and stomach -- pulling and kneading my liver, pancreas, prostate, and everything else that's inside there. Energy is being mobilized in there. I've been religiously pulling and kneading myself throughout my nighttime hikes. I'm serious when I say that I am massaging myself all the time. You could not be more compulsive about it. It's been helping tremendously. I've felt more of a flow of energy in that area. But I need to feel more of it. Because if I were to compare it with where I was last year in November, the level of intensity is just not sufficient. What I'm not seeing is the instantaneous, lightning-fast, overwhelming descent of energy -- an energy symmetrically and instantaneously pervading every cell of my body. I haven't felt anything like that in over a year. I haven't felt that radical descent plowing me under in the middle of the night. It's due to a combination of my not exercising enough or eating a sufficiently vital diet to bring it to that level -- and the fact that my system has been impaired. So, externally, my life's not supportive enough and, internally, I'm simply not capable.

I'm concerned that what I'm feeling is centered mainly in the chest. At the very least I would like to have the feeling of heaviness encompass my face -- but especially I want it in my solar plexus and lower abdomen. It's been a year since I've had a feeling of heaviness or subtle tremors in my stomach. So, of course, I'm concerned about that. Given these blotches on my skin, and my possibly diabetic disposition, I'm very concerned about the health of my pancreas. As an endocrine gland it is vital to my physical and spiritual well being. My sense is that mine is not operating as well as it should. I've often thought that when I hear the buzzing, or when I feel especially high, it's due to my pancreas kicking in, spiritually transforming all the energy in my body. But there's still some work to be done, some healing that needs to take place.

But lately there have been some very positive developments. And, as I said, all I can do is hope that --- (Wow! I'm feeling pressure in my throat and in my head. Yeah, I can definitely feel that transmitter up there.) --- all I can do is hope that my knees, my body, and everything else, can just maintain their ability to carry on this hiking, this quest. With some good luck, some hard work, and some grace, I will get where I need to go. I am definitely developing. There is no doubt that I'm improving. This process is getting stronger. What I really -- really -- want is that massive downpour of energy throughout my body, so symmetrical, fast, and powerful that I can't locate its epicenter or even a particular node. That's what it's all about. My toes ought to be just as enlightened, just as involved as that node under my right nipple, or my heart, or my pineal, or my thymus. There should be no distinction. If everything is working right, that is the feeling you should get -- one of the entire body being a seamless reflection of divine energy.

(Pause.) Well, this is a total fraud, total bullshit. I couldn't even make it halfway up to the falls. I didn't even get to the Aihualama trail head. I went the direct route to the falls, and got totally blasted -- totally fried -- less than halfway. That's what -- a ten-minute hike? It's a fucking joke! I thought the direct route would be easier to deal with, electromagnetically, because it is more sheltered, lower, and farther from the transmitters than the shortcut to the Aihualama trail that I normally take. I thought the waves of energy coming out of that thing would have been diminished. Are they microwaves? I've got to research what the hell is coming out of that thing. Perceptually, the first thing to happen was that the left half of my thyroid grew irritated, feeling thick, hot, and pained. Then a hot tension filled and stretched across my forehead and the center of my brain. Then my thymus began to burn. So I had to turn back.

You know there's a problem because there's no feeling associated with this electromagnetic radiation. I mean, there's not one iota of a feeling of bliss or pleasure, and certainly no intimation or intuition that there is any kind of a good or natural process going on. It is a foreign, abstract tightness and irritation -- a bewildered reaction to a lifeless, unnatural source of energy. The sensation is one of a dead-end. It's a roadblock -- a total obstruction to feeling. It's irritating to the max.

It appears that until this physiological mechanism inside me adapts, or they remove the offensive transmitters up there, that this hike, in all of its forms -- going up the Aihualama, clambering the ridges, bathing in the falls, power walking the Pauoa Flats, Nuuanu, and the Manoa Cliff trails, or even just walking the Round Top and Tantalus roads, like I did with my Mom the year before -- is not possible now. This obstruction to feeling -- being barred from these trails -- is such a dramatic and sad reflection of what is going on in my life right now. That which I love the most is being taken from me.

This hike has done everything, been everything, for me. I couldn't have done what I have done without this magnificent trail network. In looking again at this forest now, I am in awe. It is so cool, so heavily oxygenated. There is such a high forest canopy. There is an extraordinary vitality to the energy here. Just breathing the air makes you high. Compound this vitality with a daily hiking of peaks and constant deep thinking, and you've got a grand slam of a spiritual path. The prana here is way more intense than that of the Kulio'o. The Kulio'o area is dry and comparatively barren; it's barely able to support pine trees, let alone a verdant understory teeming with life. Here it is oxygenated and cool. It's fabulous. It's much more stimulating to my lungs and brain. But since I can't hike here anymore, I'll just have to make due with what I've got access to. Here there is definitely about two to three times the life force, or prana, in the air as there is on the Kulio'o trail. The difference is dramatic. It is torture no longer having access to this.

(Later.) I'm lying down. It is about 12:30 p.m. in the afternoon. With each beat of my heart I feel a pulse, a pulse in my chin, in my forehead, in my eyes. I'm feeling it in as much of my body as I can. I feel a contraction, a rhythmic pulse of energy through my veins and arteries. It's remarkable. It's starting to become more pleasurable. In particular, it is starting to feel good in the chin, the eyes, and in the forehead area just beneath my skull.

(Later.) I'm on the Kulio'o Ridge trail now, and so far, so good. A good exercise program like mine has three parts. One is having the right equipment. Another is having the will power or the discipline. And the last is a combination of the following: grace -- as in the grace of God; good luck -- as in not injuring yourself; and physical well being, or the innate capacity for health. I was trying to make a decision today about whether to sell my stair stepper. I could use the extra money in my Sears account to get some car work done. Plus, if I'm not using it, I shouldn't have it, especially if it means $500 back to me. I know it's bad for my knee. The angle and type of motion that the stepper puts me in totally strains the anterior cruciate ligament of my left knee -- or, if my ACL is gone, then whatever it is that I have left down there. But, aerobically, I love the way the stepper makes me feel. I gave myself only five minutes on it today, on account of the soreness I already had in my knee from the treadmill yesterday. But I stayed ten minutes. It was so wonderful. That horizontal position I get into on it is magnificent, where my solar plexus and brachial plexus are on the same horizontal plane, with my neck and head hanging downward. With my thighs rhythmically pumping blood, a richness and flow fills my head and torso. It is so therapeutic and stimulating. The aerobic action and the position of my body brought blood and hormonal juices to these vital areas better than any walking or other upright exercise could possibly do. It was amazing. The thing is, I left the stepper machine today vowing to keep it. But my left knee now is noticeably more sore. So I'm between a rock and a hard place. My spiritual needs, as far as getting these organ systems nourished properly, are pitted against the needs of a few pathetic knee ligaments. So what's more fundamental here? I guess you can't dance if you can't walk, so I better make sure I'm at least able to walk. It's a classic case of knee versus God. My knee needs to be supported and protected, even if my spiritual plexuses grow restless and annoyed. So, I'll probably sell the darn thing, but I'll keep it for a little while longer, until this process climaxes.

(Pause.) Overall this has been a nightmare, though. I should be thinking about God, and this spiritual process, but all I've been thinking about is whether or not to keep these exercise machines. I have a knot in my head from this back-and-forth argumentation. There's no clear winner in this. Spiritually and aerobically, these machines are of assistance, but physically -- specifically for my knee -- and economically, they're a drain. But I will return them as soon as their purpose is fulfilled. I can use the $1500 credit for other things at Sears, such as a new battery and tires for my car. As Sears has a very generous return policy, I have very little to lose. And, if I should want similar machines at some point in the future, I can purchase them then, and in the meantime simplify my material possessions as well as getting my money back.

(Later.) It's around 9:00 p.m. in the evening. I've had one of the most difficult evenings that I've had in recent weeks -- or months, for that matter. Tonight I got off the trail, got to my car, and proceeded to drive into town, intending to go to the Krishna temple. I had my bowl and fork on the passenger seat, ready to take with me into the buffet area for heaping refills of salad veggies. The problem, as I drove nearer the temple, was that my thymus and head were more sensitive to the Round Top transmitter facilities than they had ever been before. I was shocked to see that I could not make it to the temple without great pain in these areas. I had felt some movement of energy in my chest while I was hiking, but I did not think much of it. The feeling was along the sides of my sternum, down the whole length of the center of my ribcage. I felt it about two inches to the left, and two inches two the right, going downward the whole length of my sternum. Some good connections were taking place. Apparently, it was some kind of healing event. And as a result, I am more opened up than I ever was before, as far as EMF sensitivity goes. As I got off the H-1 Freeway and started to drive up the Pali Highway, my brain and thymus started to hurt. I had just a couple of miles to go to get to Coelho Drive, the turn-off for the Krishna Temple. As the car drew nearer, I started to hurt a lot. I recalled at that point that just beyond the Nuuanu Valley walls to the south of me sat Round Top, at an even higher elevation, with its numerous microwave facilities at its summit -- the same ones that had given me trouble on the opposite side of Round Top, in Manoa Valley, earlier this morning.

Increasingly, I am finding that the geography of my life is determined by the placement of these transmitting devices.

I got to the gate of the temple, but I had to do a U-turn and leave. I was burning up. There was no way I could stand being there. I couldn't eat there. I couldn't do anything there. I had eaten there hundreds of times. I couldn't believe that this sacred place, too, was being taken from me. In the presence of such dense transmissions, I had become a fish out of water, lungs heaving for oxygen, but finding nothing to sustain its life. The EMFs had made the environnment absolutely alien and hostile to me. So I sped back down the Pali Highway, seeking to be free, free of this feeling of oppression. I thought that I would have been out of range when I got back to the H-1 Freeway, but for some reason the feeling did not leave. I was farther away from Round Top by a mile or so, and maybe 500 feet lower than where I was at the temple, but I was still in view of the towering communications mountain. The feeling had diminished, certainly, but I never got out of range as I rounded the base of the mountain on my way back home. I was even going to get a salad at Down to Earth, but even there the sensation of an irritating presence persisted. So I drove back home without having gotten a salad -- without even a little conversation with some like-minded people.

And now, I'm lying down in my bed, in great hope that this is a safe zone. But I'm finding that it is not. I feel a weight on my thymus gland that is irritating. I'm not saying that I'm going to go insane, but it's very distressing, very, very, very distressing. I did not have this sensation in the Kulio'o area. Maybe I need to drive down there and get out of this town, because what I'm feeling right now is a distinct, irritating vibration. My thymus is picking up something that it does not want to, something that should not be there. God! I'm so sensitive. This is crazy. It's fucking crazy. Increasingly, I'm getting the feeling that I'm in over my head in this. I can't exist here. So what do I do? I've got a Subway sandwich and some Health Valley cookies from Safeway. Shitty food. I didn't want any of it. It's just that I was frustrated at not being able to get the food I really wanted. The vegetarian sub was for shit. But I ate it anyway. I was trying to ground out all this subtle interference. In the past, pigging out would center me. There would be a price of course -- less life force, more dead weight -- but it would always ground me. But the sandwich did not work. The EMFs were still there, and I had nothing to show for it but being stuffed and miserable. I can't use food like that anymore. It doesn't work anymore. I've crossed a bridge, and the bridge is burnt now. There's no return. I have to get out of this house tonight. I can't stay in my fucking house. This is crazy.

(Later that night, driving.) Well, this is a total fucking nightmare. I'm on University Avenue now, en route to the H-1 Freeway east bound on-ramp. I'm going to go toward the Kulio'o area and Hawaii Kai. I feel pain in the center of my head and extending forward to the center of my forehead. It is very strong in my thyroid, and especially strong in my thymus gland and the contiguous portions of my chest. It is obvious that some kind of minor breakthrough occurred this evening, bringing me to a new depth or level of awareness. It happened on the switchback trail leading down from the ridge. I didn't think that much of it. It wasn't as intense as many of the perceptions and feelings that I've already had. Nevertheless, it was way important. My EMF perceptions got stronger as I got into town. My fear is that it is the radio and microwave transmitters. If that is the case, then this pollution is fucking pervasive. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so strung out. It's like a nightmare. It is a nightmare. I mean, it's good in the sense that I'm becoming more God-conscious. But it's bad in the sense that my ability to function is being totally compromised. I feel insane. I'm definitely going to apply for the wage protection insurance offered through my teachers' union. If I'm lucky, God consciousness will be a covered disability. Maybe I'll be able to find a school that's free of this stuff. But if I can't, then maybe they'll have to provide an independent income for me, like worker's compensation or something. Fuck, this sucks! It's bad. It is bad. I've got to get out of here. This is a nightmare. All I can say is that for the next week I'll have to spend the night somewhere else.

It will be so hard to function away from home, though. I'm so domesticated, such a creature of habit. I need every little thing that's a part of my life. It's an intricate mosaic of needs that has provided the foundation of who and where I am. No piece is unessential. I need my fresh organic carrot juice, my fresh organic salads, my home-distilled drinking water, my distilled-water showers, my computer, my phone, my bed. All these things I have, I need them. For me to go sleep in my car, being away from all these things, these supports, is like suicide, or at least a slow attrition of self. It's like Samson's hair being cut. My habits, my daily rituals, are, if not my power, then at least my access to power. This is going to be a major sacrifice. But I have to do it. I have no fucking choice. I've never done this before.

(Pause) Dude! It's lightening up, or at least a little bit. (Pause) Yes, better. It's getting better. Hopefully, it's just those microwave dishes on top of my mountain. My sense is that over the next couple of days I'll be going back and forth from my house to wherever I can find safety. I'll probably just be at home long enough to make some phone calls and get some food. Somehow I'll learn how to deal with it. Actually, I'll be verifying my perceptions over and over again to see if they're consistent, to see if the intolerably dense EMF areas remain consistent. Oh man! I'm going nuts. This is madness. I am not prepared for this. But I'll just verify it. I'll be away for a few hours and then come back. And if the feeling is persistent, and not just a fluke, then I know what I'll have to do: I'll have to find a new home. It will have to be soon -- in the next week or so. I pray, on my hands and knees I pray, that X School is still okay for me. I absolutely cannot -- cannot, cannot, cannot -- afford to leave my work at this time. Socially, economically, existentially, teaching is still integral to my life. I am not ready to leave the profession yet. But this EMF awareness sure isn't going to help. Man, if you think I was stressed out and getting prematurely gray hair before, you ain't seen nothing yet. This is upping the stress ante by a factor of one hundred. I've only seen the tip of the iceberg, in terms of what kind of stress load is possible in my life. Here in the 1990s I am finding myself way over my head in terms of dealing with the modern dilemma. I'm lucky I'm such a strong person. Perceptually this would be too much for most people to handle.

(Pause) I'm still in a state of disbelief. I want to pinch myself and wake up. This is just...for shit. What's so horrible about this is that just as soon as I felt that I was making some serious progress, I get blasted by this consciousness of EMFs. It's just like a year ago, when I was on the edge of enlightenment, and I injure my knee. Then the anesthetic. Then this. And it's only been recently that I've felt that I'm coming back again. To be thrown into this -- it's a fucking nightmare. This came totally unforeseen. I have very little extra resources to deal with this shit. My life is like a tapestry. It's very fragile. It's been very hard for me to eke out, to carve out, this existence of mine here. These transmissions are so fucking at odds with our spiritual needs! Damn! Where is the relief? I still feel pain. Damn it. God damn it! I'm pretty far away from Round Top. I don't know what it is that's setting me off. I was feeling better, but then I was coming around Hanauma Bay, and I passed this section that was protected and came to the northernmost section of the bay and I felt all blown out all over again. I know it must be the transmitter facility at Koko Head that overlooks the bay. I've seen those transmitters before. My thyroid is blown out right now. It really hurts. I've got to get away from them. Very strong. It's very very strong. Terrible. I'm a human receiver for these transmitters. I'm picking up every fucking one. This is very serious shit. Driving around the Koolau Mountains to the Makapuu look out was the best spot so far. Maybe I can live there in the car stop by the highway. I could feel my system relax noticeably, although there is still some residual, unresolved EMF tension there. I was definitely picking up something there, but it was not as bad as anywhere else I've been so far. Right now I'm driving through Waimanalo and it really hurts. I don't know where it's coming from. Maybe it's the air force base here. Maybe there are some transmissions from that area. My ears are hot, and my entire brain feels like it's going to explode. My chest is knotted up in pain. This is awful. I used to live here. I'm going to the North Shore. I'm going to go along the windward coast. I can't believe that I'm doing this at this time of night. I should be in bed. It's 10:00 p.m. Saturday night and I'm driving to the North Shore. This is very insane. The way I'm feeling now, I've eliminated Kailua from possible places to live or teach. I hope the North Shore is better. Maybe I can live and teach in Kahuku. They have kids with [special needs] there. It might work.

(Later) It's about midnight and I'm driving through the North Shore. I've decided to return home. I've started to get a bit delirious and more than a little strung out. I stopped at a beach called Malaekahana, just north of Laie. I lied down for a while there. To my great relief, from Hauula through Kahuku, my heart and head were more calm. I was still picking up some static, but it was livable. I could actually rest, even if there was a little bit of pressure that shouldn't have been there. The sand at the beach was cold and damp. After a while I realized that I couldn't really sleep there. It wasn't my home. I was uncomfortable with the whole situation. Even if my EMF-related perceptions had abated somewhat, I am not the kind of person to sleep on a beach. I need structure, roots. I didn't have any of that at Malaekahana. Spiritually I was comfortable, but my body wants my bed. I really want my bed. I'm going home now. I'm going to try my best to sleep through the pain. But I'm going to search for a new home.

(Pause) Already, here in Haleiwa I'm getting hit with something. My head's in pain. I felt it in the center of my brain, and then blast outward, radiating pain to the rest of my brain. I'm picking up a lot of interference now, and it hurts badly. I was going to stop at the Turtle Bay Hilton, which is between Kahuku and Sunset Beach. The interference was tolerable there. But it is $200 a night. As far as geographical location goes, that is exactly where I would want to sleep. So if I return home, and find it totally hopeless, I'm going to give the Turtle Bay Hilton a call, and return up there. Maybe I wouldn't get in till 3:00 or 4:00 a.m., but at least I will be safe. My growing fantasy is that these painful sensations will just go away. I just want this to be a bad dream, and wake up to a sunny, cheerful, EMF-perception-free day tomorrow. As I'm driving home, I don't know what on earth makes me think that things will be better than they were. Nevertheless, it's my home and I'm going back. I probably have more frustration ahead of me this evening, and it's already past midnight.

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