Cells Crave Release - Brain Is Servant To The Heart - Intelligence Must Be Embodied - Hiking As Meditation - Warmth In Heart And Head - Odd Stirrings In Bindu Point Of Solar Plexus Above Navel

Spiritual Momentum - Physically And Emotionally Sustaining Work - Manifesting Spirit Requires A Life That Supports This Process - Fungus And Sugar - Self-Massage - The Importance Of Having Faith In The Divine Wisdom At Work In Your Life - Righteous Anger


It is important to feel optimistic and confident on the spiritual path. It is necessary for the spiritual aspirant to make those decisions that lead to a forward and deepening momentum of his or her spiritual quest. It is a holistic affair. Life, work, mind, and emotions must all be in balance. With respect to work, as with all things, there should be harmony. As many aspects of your being as possible should be honored and made use of. I am a teacher, and I am fortunate that in this capacity much of who I am is honored and deployed. Physically and emotionally teaching is sustaining work. Mentally it presents few challenges, so the threat of intellectual alienation is minimal. Yes, the work can be tiring, but at least it is not alienating, which is the most important thing. As energy and insight accrues, it is important for your bodymind to be in balance, as any increased flow of energy can heighten or make more obvious the divisions and disaffections present in your life. Kundalini, or Spirit, does not gloss over deceit, imperfection, and compromise. It raises them up so that they become intolerable and demand a resolution. If you are a fit aspirant, your greatest fear should be related to whether the life you have achieved is a suitable vehicle for what is, in essence, infinite energy. While you incarnate no life will be perfect. But there will be some that are more consistent and supportive of increased spiritual insight than others.

Spiritual aspirants face great challenges. The travails and compromises associated with worldly responsibilities can be overwhelming. The deeper your awareness, the finer tuned your sensitivity, the more unendurable many of these compromises feel. Whenever you can successfully do so, and without undue cost to your material status, the spiritual aspirant must push back against expectations that serve little purpose other than to cement and restrict the rise of subtle awareness in the developing bodymind. For example, if you are breathing air-conditioned air that you find noisome, and you have the opportunity to work outside instead where the air is unmodified, do it. But know that the prevailing ethos in most work and learning environments is one of a denial of the body. People are expected to sit upright and still. They are expected to be serious and exhibit a narrow spectrum of emotions and intellectual interests. While there is a time and a place for such limitations, when engaged to excess such restrictions weaken the body and calcify the emotions. At work, during breaks, spiritual aspirants should find opportunities to exercise, stretch and lay down. Employees who don't do this or who discourage such practices lack humor and physical vitality. Spiritual aspirants should persist, to the maximum extent possible, because a healthy body demands increased release and wellbeing to accommodate and make less destructive the emotional and physical compromises associated with work. Some will say that a spiritual aspirant needs to be more serious about their work. However, it is nearly always the case that these spiritual naysayers and sloths need to be more serious about life itself.

Universities promote sitting upright and still for long hours into the night, with your attention forcibly projected outward upon a text or a computer screen. This contributes to the development of an alienated state of consciousness. What is intelligence? It is the transcendent, multidimensional, wise, living response to all that you are and to all that comes into contact with your field of perception. Intelligence arises from your heart and your gut. It arises from your body. It is visceral. The mind is but a small component of it. The universities' nearly exclusive focus on the mental dimension of perception is an objectification of intelligence. The universities seek to make a dead, isolated thing out of that which is living and whole. Spiritual aspirants should seek to manifest intelligence that is embodied, spontaneous, and alive. Knowledge derived from a process that objectifies and desiccates life leads to suffering and division. The descending force of kundalini is like the transmutation of brain-centered knowledge. It's the body and the heart finally being given the leadership role from the point of view of consciousness itself. The effort to maintain an intellectual focus, yet deny spirit's attempt to rise up within that, becomes a full time job requiring a host of anti-spiritual, anti-physical practices, such as idle talk, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and splitting one's attention in multiple directions. It is best that the spiritual aspirant avoid such negative practices and support spirit's unfolding and guidance to the best of his or her ability.

It is critical for spiritual aspirants to have daily access to a physical regimen that supports an extraordinary coherence and vitalization of the bodymind. The cells of the body demand this daily immersion in deep, aerobic practice. The human mind, especially when heightened energies are coursing through it, can be a destabilizing force for the spiritual aspirant's overall coherence. Challenging, time-consuming, physically active meditation is the only way to ensure that the mind takes its appropriate back seat to the body. The intelligence of the body, gut, and emotions should be one's principal guides, not the mind. But in order for these deeper physiologic and emotional processes to gain prominence, they must be elevated and strengthened, and this can only be achieved via lengthy, absorbing physical activity where the mind's higher purpose of being a mere servant to the body is more easily realized. When the spiritual aspirant develops a practice of deep, integrating, aerobically challenging activity, this practice or activity becomes like a drug. It becomes something that your cells cry out for. It becomes something that your whole being demands on a daily basis. The heightened vibration level of the bodymind that is required of advanced spiritual practice does not happen by itself. It takes rigorous dedication on a daily basis to maintain it.

Teaching is a mutual, collaborative, energizing process. To the extent that the professor lectures without enthusiasm for the material and without regard for the state of mind and body of the students he or she is addressing, education becomes a pathway to deepened alienation of mind from body and spirit. Students should not quietly acquiesce to such tyranny. Annoy the professor. Interrupt the professor. Help to breathe life into the classroom or lecture hall.

As your physical practice intensifies and Spirit takes hold more deeply, every cell in your body will come to crave this heightened energy and associated release from the bonds of the material plane. Moderate, sustained aerobic activity is the only means to transmute the body, to elevate the body so that spirit may take hold. Social stress and toxins created in the course of digestion are only neutralized and expelled via moderate, sustained aerobic activity. Again, it is imperative that you find employment where the stress levels are tolerable. This is because, as your practice deepens, failings and inadequacies of your material and social circumstances will become increasingly difficult to accommodate.

There are various parts of the body that are associated with advanced subtle functioning. Of course the entire body conducts and transmits subtle energy; but there are nerve plexuses, endocrine glands, and other specific areas that are particularly important for the concentration, transmutation, and transmission of heightened energy. It is critical to have faith in the Divine Wisdom at work in the human body. Research these matters and become as well informed as you can. This will help ground your trust and intuition in the many spiritual unfoldings that aspirants will experience. I have had incredible sensations in my head, chest, and stomach for which Western doctors, were I to have shared my symptoms, would seek to provide pharmaceutical or surgical interventions to stop. Ignorant "professionals" would label me mad or ill and in need of treatment. Do your own due diligence, but seek to honor and trust that these perceptions are spiritual in nature. Be of great faith and God will guide you every step of the way.

Listen to your body. If you have fungal conditions or skin rashes, be wary of seeking immediate treatment. Such unpleasant manifestations may serve a larger purpose, or be temporary products of a diet or lifestyle that is important to maintain for your spiritual wellbeing. In order to inflate temporarily my vibration level, there have been periods of time where I have hiked and eaten honey and soaked dried fruits to excess. It is what my path required at that time, although I knew at some point that I would need to resume a more moderate level of activity, and consume more fresh vegetable and wheatgrass juices. But for periods of time I placed my trust in what I considered a temporary but special relationship with sugar. I have loved to excess my local Hawaiian wildflower honey. After several large servings of it my whole body begins to buzz. The digestion is effortless. This honey supercharges the flow of spiritual energy within me. Such a meal provides the energy I need for a 4-5 hour hike. Fruit sugar and honey are magical substances. They might be dangerous over the long term; but for short periods of time they have been my ticket to an expedited transformation of consciousness.

Again, listen to the body. There should be no pain in massage. Focus on what is pleasurable and use that to guide your progress in other areas of the body that need attention. Feelings of vitality and wellbeing should arise from every pore of the body. There should be no pain. Practice massaging yourself. No one is more expert on what is pleasurable and beneficial for you than you.

Be politically engaged to the extent that feels right to you. It's all about balance. It is your decision whether you spend 20 minutes or 20 hours each day on political activism. We do not live in a vacuum. The decisions our government makes effects our health and wellbeing. It takes time to be engaged with the political process. It can be exhausting. It is okay to pull back from political considerations, but understand that the ideal spiritual path involves taking more and more of a leadership role in the governance of the society around you. So as your sense of mind-body-spirit integration gains strength you should feel compelled to help others. Helping can take many forms, but one of the most fundamental and helpful changes to our circumstances is via the political process as this impacts the greatest number of people and is more lasting in nature.

How much time you spend on explicitly political activity is a personal choice and will vary according to your interests and circumstances. Of course, everyone should want to "make this world a better place." But how that desire expresses itself varies from person to person. The food and other items you purchase have an impact, as does the line of work you choose and the manner in which you go about your work.  Directly political activity is necessary. But whether you make phone calls, write letters, donate money, or participate in a march or a demonstration is a matter of personal choice. I spend about one day, or eight hours, per month on political activity. I believe this to be insufficient to achieve the political ends I have in mind, but it is the most I can manage while satisfying other goals and needs in my life.

You should be a shining light to others, demonstrating as much charisma, compassion, and intelligence as you can. It is hard to make spiritual demonstrations without others falling into an orbit around you. While you want to be strong and powerful, you are never to "own" the growth or insight of another person. It takes wisdom and patience to gauge others' levels of readiness. When you feel people falling into your gravitational field, push them back into their own strength and Self-centeredness. In order to do this effectively, you must be encouraging and funny. You must know when to be direct and when to be indirect. And you must know when to pause and allow others time to process -- and when to remove yourself from the equation entirely. Excessive socialization leads to a fragmentation of self that only silence and inward contemplation can heal.

Hiking -- aerobic activity -- is critical for spiritual aspirants. Sweating, self-massage, sustained immersion in nature: All of these play a critical role in the grounding of spirit in the human form.

Listen to your body. Perhaps your doctor or health practitioner suggests a treatment to address an unwanted symptom or condition. If the treatment itself causes additional unwanted side effects or other issues, use your own judgment as to whether to continue the regimen. Do not be swayed excessively by authority. YOU are the authority regarding what is the best course of action for you. In my own case, I was treated for a systemic fungal condition that was a result of excessive hiking, sweating, ingestion of sugary foods, and living in a humid area. The treatment upset my sense of balance and I stopped the treatment. I decided to co-exist with the fungus as I believed that it had an unacknowledged positive association. I knew that while my long-term goal was to eat exclusively raw, organic fruits, vegetables, and vegetable juices, for the time being, for whatever reason, I needed to eat and exercise in the manner I was doing even as I had toe fungus and "thrush" (candida) at the corners of my mouth.

If you are living at a high vibration level, something so simple and common as constipation can give you the flu. Yes, that's right, eating something dry and hard like pretzels can give you the flu if it impedes the flow of energy in your body. The more elevated your being, the greater the discernment and wisdom you need to bring to bear. With insight and heightened subtle functioning come greater responsibility. It is imperative that the people with whom you live and associate are supportive of you and give you the space you need to find balance. Using every faculty you have at your disposal, create a safe space in which to flourish. This is a matter of survival. Your psyche will be torn apart if you are careless and lack vigilance.

Feelings of warmth and intensity are auspicious. The goal is to have such an incredibly intense, conscious, and pleasurable connection to yourself that you transcend your gross vehicle -- your physical form -- entirely. This is the entire point of elevating the living conditions and vibrational capacity of every being on the planet. I have had feelings of warmth and intensity occurring simultaneously in my head and heart. Such coordination and harmonization of subtle functioning is especially auspicious. Sometimes you will ache in every part of your body. This is to be expected as you intensively pursue your goal of attaining the highest vibrational state possible.

I appreciate a beautiful, loving woman as much as the next guy. But what I seek is an overwhelming energetic intensity that includes bitterness, passion, and anger. How can you truly love if you don't have the anger necessary to protect it?

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - Additional Posts / Tape Transcriptions - Tape #17 - September 21-24, 1994

1994.9.21. Wednesday. (Tape #17 Side B, continued.)

(later) So I just wanted to say that I feel fairly clear. I feel that there is an overall possibility of a greater intensification of my life. I am on my way to work today. It's September 21st. I don't feel so alienated now. U.H. was really alienating me. It was focusing my energy into my brain. I want more of what you'd call a whole body sacrifice; and that's really what my job is. As far as jobs on the planet, it's one of the better jobs for a whole body sacrifice, where the sacrifice is emotional and intellectual. It's the whole thing. It can be draining, but it's not too alienating. I hope that this process of intensification of awareness grows. I look forward to, with actually quite a bit of anxiety, but I am very intrigued. I know that it's my destiny to deal with an altered awareness, a new awareness, a broader awareness. I just hope that it's not too traumatic a transition for me.

(later; tired voice, laying down) I studied all weekend for this adapted P.E. test I have tonight. I bit off more than I can chew. And now it's Wednesday night. I have an hour before I have to leave. I was going to sit there and study, but I felt my brain starting to get hot. I was on fire at the very center of my mind. What I mean is that I found it too distracting, all the terminologies and stuff. I could not care less about these things. I'm not going to study it. I don't want to deal with it. It's not worth it to me. So I'm not. I'm going to lie down and rest. I'm going to give up performance in that class. I don't care. I want to recline in the wisdom (sigh) of knowledge beyond this.

1994.9.22. Thursday. (Tape #17 Side B, continued.)

(hiking) Oh, God. (sigh) What can I say? It's September 22nd, Thursday.  I really almost didn't come to work today. I came in my sleep last night. I had a hard night as it was with my adapted P.E. course that I'm taking at night. Horrible. How horrible it is. All those feelings I had. I feel like there's this giant tsunami rising up in me that just wants to obliterate these external expectations. I couldn't handle it. Taking the test with that air conditioning. (heavy breathing; sounds of footsteps along trail) That was horrible air. I asked the professor if I could take the remainder of the test outside, which I did. It made the experience less alienating. (sigh) Today I overheard the nurse in my room talking about how she thought it was unprofessional to be laying down on your lunch break. I lie down on my lunch break probably just seven feet from her. She sits at her desk, totally uptight. She's very anally retentive. She suffers from diverticulitis, among other things. (heavy breathing; birds chirping) It hurts. I've been coming up against that a lot, because I am asking for a much more loose and free participation with life. I mean, being less serious about all these ridiculous concerns. No, scratch that. Actually it involves being more serious about life in general, which means having decreased emphasis on this narrow scope that is the "professional" focus.

Anyways, as I was walking out of campus last night it really really struck me as I saw kids studying at 9:30 at night at the library -- with its horrible lights and the air conditioning...and those little cubicles -- that I cannot at all tolerate this thing that the university tries to make of knowledge. (heavy breathing, continued hiking) It tries to make knowledge an intellectual thing. A purely abstract, un-lived concept. It hit me in a way that I cannot describe right now. The seat of intelligence is the heart. Maybe it's something else, but it's not the brain. It's the heart. It's the emotion. It's this visceral relationship and grasp of knowledge. It makes sense of how I've approached communication and knowledge in the past. It's always been towards the spontaneous, embodied relationship. (birds chirping) I talk well spontaneously and with energy. It's because my intelligence is guided by my heart. The brain just acts in response to that. It's when you are stuck in words and abstractions, and it's through that that you are trying to communicate, then of course it's going to come out dead, un-passionate, even incoherent. But if you are speaking from a place of love and passion, then that slices away at the excess or the obfuscational aspect of language itself. That is, your articulation becomes a mere aspect of your intelligence. (heavy breathing; birds chirping) Your intelligence is grounded in something spontaneous and absolute, and words just melt in its presence. Anyway, I'm blabbing and I'm not even saying it well. So I found that all the studying, sitting still, reading too much, reading in conditions that do not foster the true grounding of the knowledge -- it all basically leads to an imbalance in your development. Academia does not allow for the spontaneous, emotional, spiritual attainment of knowledge, which is really the ultimate path of knowledge. That is the justification for what I've been trying to do. I want to live -- incarnate -- my knowledge. I know all the right words. I've read all the great books, or at least a lot of them, enough to know what I should be doing. And now, it's not so much that I want to deny it all. I want to transcend it. What that means -- and this is just one way to look at this -- the intelligence comes up the spine, grows in the brain, then descends, becoming transmuted by love and spirit. In that way, you are an embodiment of all that is essential that you have learned. That is truly the ultimate path. That is what the universities, in my view, should be supporting. It is an argument along those lines that I would take in order to refute the dissertation process which is a denial of the individual's voice, total focus on analysis -- dispassionate analysis -- and directedness by the discipline, or others, all of which seeks to frustrate the need for an embodiment of those essentials, of love and spirit. In order to maintain the intellectual focus, yet at the same time not allow spirituality to rise within that, is a full time job. It takes a whole host of thinking processes, dietary practices -- coffee, cigarettes, idle talk -- and a million other things in order to keep your brain from becoming, basically, a tangential manifestation of the spiritual reality that is realized in the heart. The brain is just a secondary vehicle. It's very important, but it's not the Queen, it's not central.

(hiking, heavy breathing) Another thing I noticed that was very, very apparent to me was my TOTAL need for this hike. As I was getting ready for class the hour before -- and walking to class and being in class -- I really felt all of the cells in my body rising. They needed expression. They were dying! What this hike does for me, you could say, is that it completes the circuit, it cleanses me, it completes the cycle. All those things are correct. It does. I need to be engaged in this kind of whole body activity in which the mind is only a background entity, or aspect. I need to be doing this for several hours a day. It keeps me sane, and it keeps me at least on a borderline level of health. Not being able to hike made me feel totally irritated. I craved it. It was scary. It was totally scary in the sense that I've become so needful of it.

Something that is totally fearful for me is the thought that I might not be able to hike at night. Getting on to the trails by 5:00pm and having to be out by 7:00pm. Because of people calling 911 thinking there's a lost hiker up here. They might make that a rule: no hiking up here after dark. That would really, really, really string me out. I have to have this hike. I need this hike more than anything I can think of right now. A mere physical sweating is only ten percent of the story here. I need to be in a very cleansing environment, spiritually -- and this is. I need to be in a very healing environment, energy-wise. It's very peaceful and healing up here. I can't that at my house or at a health club, or walking the streets. Anyways, the only way I can go to bed -- to fall asleep -- is to fill my stomach with something. I felt that the act of my filling my stomach was helping to bring my consciousness down to my stomach which, in a regressive way, is completing the cycle. There is probably a more spiritual way to do that which, in some ways, is like this hike, where I'm allowing my spiritual energy, as much as I can, to flow in the direction that it needs to for my evolution and development. It flows more into my heart, maybe down into my stomach. I don't know what it does exactly. It's up here, for this period of four hours, that that's able to take place. (hiking; sound of gurgling stream) It's totally paramount for me right now. I can't believe how amazingly important this hike is for me.

I've been thinking that missing this hike one day a week is a monumental sacrifice for me. I really cannot tolerate it. It's horrible. Because I come home, I have bags under my eyes, I feel frustrated, and my energy is off. Plus, my professors -- they don't teach. They speak at you. There's very little learning going on. Thank God it's not changing us. The students. It's such a laughable situation. They're not even really listening, and he doesn't even care. I felt sorry for him. Maybe originally he cared. But he's not teaching us the right way. He's given up on our being able to learn. So I'm there. I'm tuning out, feeling like I'm in outer space. He's just sitting at the front talking to himself. It's horrible. There's no real genuine communication going on. These students are so quiet and submissive it's pathetic.

I just want to emphasize again that I felt this electrical charge in all of the cells in my body -- or at least a lot of them. My back, my arms, my stomach, my legs, my toes. I felt some kind of irritation and a yearning for this flow of energy that's taking place right now as I ponderously, slowly, meditatively, ascend this mountain, and breath its air.

(hiking; heavy breathing) I'm not usually filled with much appreciation for society, but I must say that even though it's far from perfect I feel that my job is one of the best ones that I could have arrived at. Though I don't really like the social situation there, basically, I don't have much stress. I focus on one kid at a time doing physical therapy. I do a little bit of intellectual work on the IEPs (educational plans created for students with disabilities). I chair a committee or two in my spare time at work. But I have a lot of sick leave, a lot of vacation, and the stress level at work is very manageable. Of course, the hours are too long for me, and I'd like more privacy, what I mean is, having more space in which to work. The classroom is pretty crowded. Some things like that would be nice, but it's much better than many other jobs I can think of.

The feeling I was getting last night is that I go rancid. I have all this water and fruit and sugar in my system and it's only through this long exercise that I'm able to purge it -- to flush it; and it's only when you do it then that it has a healing aspect. If you just have it sit there, and you don't sweat, it goes rancid and starts to hurt you.

I wanted to comment on how the last few days I felt this unusual and uncomfortable feeling in my stomach or my gut. It's around my navel, maybe up an inch, or two inches, and then inward a couple inches. (dogs barking; getting closer to home?) It's at various levels. Sometimes it can be higher than that. I don't know if it's an ulcer, because it's different than that gnawing feeling of hunger. But I'm also wondering if this isn't the rumblings of, if Da Free John is right, then there's another bindu spot. There's the brain -- the ajna chakra. There's the heart chakra, the ultimate heart. There's also, I guess, some area of your stomach region. So there is a chance that what's going on here is a further descending of my spirit consciousness, an opening up of another region. We'll see how it goes. It's a very interesting feeling. I don't really like it that much. It's funny, but for people who don't know what's going on, these changes in the mind can be interpreted as madness. The feelings in the heart can be interpreted as heart attack, or heartburn. The feelings in the stomach can be interpreted as ulcers. I don't know. We'll see.

Definitely, where I'm feeling, right now at least, is about two inches above my navel and like an inch or two in. It's very... It's like a churning, slightly burning, light sensation.

(hiking; heavy breathing) I just wanted to propose an idea. It's been on my mind a couple of times. It's the notion that this fungus or fungal condition I have that's reflected in the pitting of my fingernails, the depression of my fingernail along the cuticle, and the rashes I've had over large parts of my body -- like my back and other areas -- there is a chance that some aspect of this fungal condition is conducive to my spiritual development. I say this for a couple of reasons. One is that I have noticed before that lack of exercise and eating dead foods were somehow stabilizing and conducive to the flow of energy in my body. It's very strange. Also, when the naturopath assessed this fungal state in my body, my score was very low, which meant that I had a problem. When she connected this liver detox and some fungicide to the electronic apparatus my score went very high. But then when I took these things my body had a reaction to it that was similar to the reaction I got today when I had 6 ounces of fresh wheatgrass juice. Because I know I'm going to have to get back into a very heavy fresh food and fresh condensed foods -- like wheatgrass juice -- diet. And I need to move away from the extreme preponderance of sugar in my diet. I have become an absolute freak for honey, especially my local Hawaiian wildflower honey. I eat that by the gobs. My dried fruits and nuts that I soak in water. And all sorts of fresh fruit. I eat so much of this stuff, and when I eat it I feel this chemical reaction in my body. I get lightheaded and I feel this buzzing throughout my system. The sugar goes to work immediately in a very profound way. It has many positive effects on me spiritually. I feel a lightness. It's very easy to digest. It's really conducive to the flow of spiritual energy in me. The problem with it is that to some extent, and in ways I don't really fully understand, is that it's at the expense of some other parts of my biological system, like my teeth and skin. I mean, certain nutrients are being over-exhausted, like calcium, magnesium and those other things I scored low in. And so my predicament is that I need to increase my intake of extremely nourishing, high nutrient value foods, but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize this magical relationship I have with sugar. Very interesting.

A couple days ago I had somebody massage me for a couple minutes, back and chest, but mostly on the chest. I've become very picky. I know exactly how I want to massage my chest. I use my fingers spread out, or my thumb, or I use my palms, and I sort of work into the tissue. I probe, but I don't hurt. I don't go too deeply. I press and move around and jiggle it a bit. I move over some and I do it again in different spots. It's just slowly working it in. But what he did was press his finger pretty deep in between two of my rib bones, and it hurt. Not only did it physically hurt, I knew that it was effecting me spiritually in a wrong way like the Rolfer (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rolfing) did. Basically, I know how to massage myself better than other people do. I don't think pain is ever anything you should have to accept during the course of a massage. You should work with what feels good and work in with that, and that goodness will go more and more deeply into the body until just about all the pain is worked away. I just had to say that.

(still hiking) Also -- it's still September 24th, Saturday -- I spent about two and a half hours this morning on about 13 political letters -- eight of them in support of this dietary supplement bill, and four of them in support of various other things including holding off on a vote on GATT because the World Trade Organization is an anti-democratic, environmentally disastrous, secretive bureaucracy that we should have nothing to do with. And some other things, regarding aid to Cubans, and whatevers. I was really tired after it. I didn't want to deal with it but I had these notices on my desk piling up. I look forward to being able to FAX these things with my computer. I am tired of the laboriousness of these communications. A FAX machine would have saved me probably a half hour (for addressing envelopes) and a dollar or two in stamps.

The other thing is that I wanted to respond to this process, but after two and a half hours politicking, I didn't have any creative energy afterwards. I was spent. I didn't have much energy to begin with. I wanted to respond to this spent feeling I had after writing these letters. But then again, if I think of myself in a broader context, in terms of being politically active, and I prorate this out over a longer timeline, I spend about a day each month volunteering for these political causes. I'm not the type to go chant in front of some seat of power. I don't want to do a bodily or a physical demonstration. I want to have more of an intellectual, ethereal one, like via a letter. A facsimile machine would help that. So one day a month I volunteer on trying to make this a better world in political terms. Then of course with the other areas of my life I try to make them as benign as I can make them with the food that I buy, the job that I have, etc.

(hiking, heavy breathing) Yesterday I had my first grade level meeting that I chaired. I was very charismatic and witty, although I felt myself sort of disintegrating toward the end because I had been overly exuberant. I wasn't grounded enough. But some of the things I was concerned about are the following: I am generally much more passionate and vivid than most people I interact with. It's okay for me to experience myself as the center of the universe, as all people should be able to do, but it's difficult to do that in a social context and not have other people cave in to your center. What I mean is, what I really want to do is, there are some issues I pushed forward and I didn't really allow for enough of a democratic process. I kind of dismissed other people's views. I pulled it off well, but I don't think I allowed for everyone to feel as empowered as individuals as I would like. It's hard to pull off. I need a little bit more silence and patience on my part, to let everyone -- from where they are -- take positive steps forward in terms of their own progress, and that I wasn't there at the center marshaling everyone else to the beat of my own drama, my own rhythm. So I was concerned about that, because a good leader, in my view, if I even believed in a leader, and I really don't, is a facilitator. The thing is, there were some people there who were stalling with what were just minute technicalities, and I just wanted to push the whole meeting forward and not get lost in the detail, because that's what some of these people would have done, like "A" (edit). I just didn't have time for that. I was tired. I wanted to get out of there. By the time 3:30pm or quarter to four rolled around, after I met with the principal to discuss some of the results, I felt very frantic -- very fragmented -- consciousness-wise. I felt very incoherent as a human being. I really, really, really wanted to just get the heck out of there. I was almost in a crazed state.


(sluggish voice, slowly hiking) Today I don't have that much energy for this hike. I was planning on five hours, but I went and did a four-and-a-half hour route. I did it very slowly. What I like is when I am feeling good I can put in some distance up here and really work in the sweat, massage a lot. But when I don't feel good I can go more slowly, and there are a few spots up here where I can sit [without mosquitos swarming]. That's what I love to do when I don't feel well -- when my energy is really slow, I'm constipated, or mentally frazzled. I can come up here and sit for maybe 10 or 15 minutes at a spot. That's really therapeutic.

I wanted to say something about the wheatgrass and this liver detox. They get rid of fungus. They kill bad bacteria. They are really powerful cleansing agents. When I ingest them, not only do I feel physically upset by it, but more importantly, with respect to my energy, I feel like I am being turned upside down somehow. I really feel off.  That's why I only took a couple of liver pills and just a few droplets of the fungicide placed under my tongue. I felt like the cells in my body had a negative reaction to this stuff. It made me feel that there is a positive fungal property that has something to do with the flow of spiritual energy in me. (sounds of footsteps hiking, crickets chirping) It has to do with an anaerobic environment. It has to do with death. I mean, the stilling of the mind, the way meditators hardly breathe, you know, the lack of breathing facilitates this process. It's very interesting. Nevertheless, I do know that my quest is not only to allow this energy to flow well, but to get healthy again and to be eating live foods almost exclusively. I'll probably continue to be wrestling with fasting, wheatgrass, more vegetables -- these things. Trying to incorporate more of these into my diet. As to what to do with sugar I don't know. I love it.

This past week I think I let myself get dehydrated. I wasn't drinking enough. I was sweating a lot. I had a lot of these pretzels that are hard and dry and salty, although organic. And then my consciousness got all fucked up on Friday. I was really feeling strung out, with my grade level meeting and these other things going on. It all combined, basically, to make me feel sooo disoriented. It was like my digestion stopped. I got really constipated and I had this achy feeling all over my body, like a flu. That's the way I feel right now. I just wanted to say that, like when I had that 24 hour flu, when I get physically ill, it really fucks me up consciousness-wise. I am really blonked, zonked, catatonic and fried. When I was up all night that time, throwing up every now and then, feeling like I was going to throw up the whole time, feeling miserable, light-headed and hot with cold sweats, I really felt insane. I really felt like I was going to lose it. So I just have to be careful because my physical condition and my spiritual condition are extremely interrelated. Highly. On Friday night, it was like 11:30 or 12:00, and my housemate, "B" (edit), starts freaking out on the phone with her boyfriend, screaming at him about what he is doing to her by not spending more time with her, how she couldn't sleep and she's going nuts. I felt the tendrils of my consciousness spread out and envelope her and it was almost overwhelming for me. I was very disturbed by where she was coming from. That didn't help. I was already fried. My sleep was fucked up that night. So, as I go inward more deeply I have to work that much harder at creating a firm foundation for myself. It's of the utmost importance because I can already see it happening. I'm going to become more sensitive. Much, much more sensitive. I have to be in a position to deal with it and still carry on. My job itself is already very stressful. I just have to be careful that I don't let everything else tear me apart.

Also, in the last couple of days I've had these feelings of warmth in my heart area. I guess they call it the ultimate heart. And my head -- the forepart of my brain and my pineal gland -- simultaneously both were quite warm. Actually it wasn't so much the center of my brain. It was more generalized. The warmth was more generalized in both my heart and head areas. There was this warmth that invaded and circulated in these areas. I think there was some warmth as well in my throat a little bit, but I don't remember exactly. (sigh, still hiking) That's also kind of wild. They're developing in unison. It's building. I'll see where it goes.  

(hiking, crickets) It's really wild. I am very sore and achy in every part of my body. The bottom of my spine, all over my buttocks, my thighs, my hamstrings, my calves, my feet, my arms, my elbow area, my joints, my hands, my wrist, my forearms, my shoulders, my lats [Latissimus dorsi], my back... I have a sore throat. I'm just achy.

Last night I rescued a couple of nurses out of here. They were caught in the dark. I gave them flashlights and we walked out. One of them was pretty, with a very beautiful laugh. It reminded me a bit of S's [edit], very full of love, kind of innocent and clear. In that sense it was attractive to me. But what it lacked -- and what I am looking for -- was the bitterness, the passion, the anger, just the overwhelming life force I am looking for in another person. Being clear and loving [is not enough]...

End of Tape #17 Side B.

Comment 4/17/2016

This was before email. I would have to type up multiple letters, address envelopes to all relevant parties, pay for postage on each letter, and have them flown 6000 miles away via US mail.


It is only possible if "the world" is taken to mean the limited self, or the form of consciousness that defines unenlightened people.

I will lie down or perform stretching exercises on my breaks. No one else does this. I seek to reinflate energies lost in the work environment.




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