Criticism Of A Young Mother - Interpersonal Compromise vs Independence - Be Guided By Intuition, Not Social Expediency


When in doubt socially, it is better to be alone. Entanglements that your intuition does not fully endorse can be costly. Ignore your intuition at your peril. We all have sexual gratification and companionship needs, but those needs must be counterbalanced by the even greater need for truth and self-fulfillment.

To enter a relationship predicated upon the other person's willingness to make personal changes is a dangerous thing. It is best that your partner be inner-directed lest they grow hostile to your expectations for change. A person should change because they perceive it to be the right thing to do -- not because their partner demands it of them. Each person has his or her unique path of growth. This path should not be derailed by the presence of an overpowering intimate partner, irrespective of the partner's correctness, righteousness, or charisma.

It is important for a woman to have a decade from ages 18 to 28 to introspect, travel, and become educated free of the encumbrances of having children. It is important to have a lifestyle that includes a healthful diet and regular physical exercise. The decision to have a child should not be based on the desire to fill an emotional vacuum in oneself. A person's aspirations should extend beyond the mere accumulation of career, home, and family.

Holding onto to one's sexual partner until something better comes along reflects a lack of idealism as well as a deficiency in moral integrity. Whenever possible, choose isolation rather than excessive interpersonal compromise.

Beware of having too large a family. Excessive numbers of children burden the planet. Do the math. It is unsustainable. Also, given the complex and expensive social and material inputs required of children in our advanced technological society, it is not wise to have a large family unless one is independently wealthy.

This entry ends with a comment from 2017, some 21 years later, where I note that my views on motherhood and the need for isolated personal advancement have changed considerably. My view now is that women are different than men. Women are able to grow spiritually more readily in the context of being parents and spouses. Women are more suited to roles of nurturing and home life. Women benefit from pairing with an older mate who can provide for them financially and emotionally as the children grow.

Social Criticism - July 1996

1996.7. (unknown day in July) 

I am exhausted.  I spent three hours this morning talking with two girls whose house I will begin renting in the next week or so [in the Volcano Golf Course subdivision in Hawaii].  There was a mutual attraction between the older one, X [edit #1] and me.  But despite this strong physical attraction, I had deep misgivings.  I should have followed my intuition.  I should not have spent more time with the girls.  I should have gone downstairs to be alone and sort through the moving boxes from Honolulu that I had stored temporarily in the garage.  Instead, after signing the lease agreement I hesitated for a while at the doorway and, feeling drawn by them sitting distractedly in the living room, asked permission to sit down and talk. 

It should have been obvious to them that there was a tremendous amount of equivocation in my decision to stay and talk.  My remaining with them was not a spontaneous act: It was forced.  A part of me -- and not the greater part -- was drawn by X’s kindness, emotional need, and physical beauty.  I, ten years her senior, felt lovelorn and in need of physical and emotional renewal.  The thought of being with a woman and sharing my heart, my mind and my body, were overpowering to me.  I did not think that X was the right one for me, but there was always that chance that maybe she would be okay.  And then there was my deep need for sexual gratification, ready to sell my principles short if I was close enough to the mark. 

But after nearly three hours of conversation, of measuring each other and sharing intimate experiences, I felt spiritually heavy. I felt emotionally sick.  My intuition told me that it was not going to work out, so why did I stay and force this consideration of each other further?  Why did I put us both through this emotional trial?  For me the atmosphere hung with karma and misgivings.  It was as if a vat of glue had been vaporized, releasing large airborne globules to clog our skin and block our vision.  For the sexual bliss that she promised me, as she lay on her back running her fingers sensuously over her bare stomach, I would be sacrificing much of what I had achieved during this short life of mine. 

Despite the one hundred problematic differences between us, there was an intractable longing and need for each other that I was desperate to escape. Despite our many differences there was a level of identity and desire that lived its life regardless of whatever dispositions and behaviors had been formed over it.  It rhythmically inhaled and exhaled even as the life force was tortured and confused in other areas of our beings.  We were both full of health and full of a desire for the inherent goodness that sexual union is.  We were both good people and had inherent needs for making love and for companionship.  

But in order for me to be satisfied fully, there would have to be one hundred changes in her life, changes that reflected a greater awareness of the world around her and the concomitant commitment to change it.  With Y [edit #2] I had learned my lesson: There were to be no more teacher-pupil relationships for me.  There would be no more dictating or preaching for me.  When the need for changing yourself is prompted primarily by the demands of another person (for example, your partner), you begin to resent that person.  Change -- for it to be healthful and permanent -- must come from within. You have to want it; you have to initiate it; you have to choose it.  Change should not occur simply because there is another person in your life.  It is not healthy to be lectured or sermonized by your sexual partner.  That assumes that he or she knows more than you do.  The only healthy relationship -- the only relationship that is likely to last -- is one between equals.

X needs to make the changes on her own, for her own selfish pleasure.  I cannot tolerate her doing them for me.  Even if there will be a positive impact on the world through her acting and thinking more clearly, the net result will still be mixed if the locus of change is not her own inner voice.  That is why I am writing this book.  To clarify -- to make more self-satisfying -- what are often co-dependent and confused spasms of growth.  If I can take myself out of the picture, leaving a depersonalized gathering of ideas, yet retaining some trace of the passion and clarity that has fueled me, the world will be better off.  X has her own unique growth process.  She does not need to be broadsided by this monolithic presence of Me [First and Last name] telling her what her true needs are.  The change that I would require would occur too rapidly for her to call it her own.  Inside she would feel that she was changing not for herself, but for me.  Over time she would understandably begin to resent me, and from the very beginning our relationship would be one between unequals.  With such a shaky foundation our desire for each other would surely fade. 

I questioned myself, wondering whether I had devised an elaborate rationalization to insulate me from becoming involved with someone, from getting off this pedestal of perfection I had fashioned for myself and really share myself with someone again.   I thought that if during the course of our relationship she were to make two or three changes that she would not have done if she had not been with me, then that is real, tangible, helpful progress.  But I think that in those circumstances I would be perpetually frustrated.  It would be like having twenty chapters in a book all written and only being allowed to publish one of them.  If I can find someone that innately shares more of my orientation, then maybe I can create an objective display of eighteen or nineteen of those chapters.  I believe I would find the greater production much more fulfilling.  Better to give birth to a nine pound baby than a two pound one. 

The following is a list of problems I have with X that make it nearly impossible for me to form a union with her.  The ideal to which I compare her is based on the kind of woman I would expect to find in a wealthy, socially tolerant, individualistic society like that of the U.S.A in 1996.   

Problem #1: X dropped out of high school to have a baby.  This is a big mistake -- both the dropping out and the having a baby.  The girl of my dreams would put her own needs ahead of those of her unborn child.  A seventeen-year old has so much to accomplish yet!  She should go to college.  Maybe continue on to graduate school.  A young woman should have the freedom and time to have a variety of boyfriends.  She should think about the world and do some traveling.  She needs a lot of time to think about and research possible careers.  She needs the social and physical space to question her parents' values and those that have shaped her society. In sum, the girl I would want is very conscious and has hopefully had an unfettered decade or so between childhood and adulthood (say, ages 18-28) in which to think and to explore, thereby creating a strong and enlightened foundation upon which to build the rest of her life. 

But let's say she got pregnant, and it was unplanned.  Abortion is a terrible thing.  I would not wish it on anyone.  I would like to know about her inadequate use of contraception.  Where were her parents?  They should have fitted her for a diaphragm (or something) when she turned 15.  X could still have a very interesting life.  It is just that having a child so early on limits your personal freedom considerably.  An "Amazon woman" (*) would be very selfish, and hesitate to put the needs of an unborn child above her own, especially at age 17.  An Amazon woman would have such a high regard for children that she would wait until a more appropriate time before giving birth.  The emotional and material foundation for raising a child is not strong enough until the late 20's at the earliest.  Maybe it is the wimp who has a child at 17.  They know they cannot adequately provide for it, but they have the child anyway.  Maybe for such people the child functions as a short-term emotional crutch, filling a need that was not met for them earlier in life.  Any decision based on such limited reasoning surely can bare only sour fruit. 

Amazon preparing for the battle (Queen Antiope or Armed Venus Pierre-Eugene-Emile Hebert, 1860, National Gallery of Arts, Washington, DC

Problem #2: Although her demeanor reflects someone who is self-assured and confident, I find her self-expression too monotonous and undramatic.  She is not quick verbally. She appears to hold thoughts back as she speaks.  I find smiles and other physical gestures to be weak. They are no substitute for honest, comprehensive verbalization.  I need a verbal context for physical demonstrations of affection. I need a woman's mind and soul -- not just her body.  I found little sense of humor in X. There was no lighthearted laughter or conversational repartee. I need spontaneous intellectual communion.     

Problem #3: X snacks at McDonald's, eats lots of meat, does not care about fresh air, and television does not bother her.  Seeing two days' worth of McDonald's wrappers on the floor of the garage should have been all I needed to know.  The thought of sharing my life with someone who eats at McDonald's nauseates me.  Dining at McDonald's is such an unconscious act of self-debasement.  Eating this lifeless, prefabricated food is an act that is determined by advertisements on television.  There is not one thing on the McDonald's menu that is helpful to our planet or society.  All the vegetables have been fumigated, fungicided, pesticided, herbicided, irradiated, and who knows, probably placed at the foot of Baal for a day for His "blessing."  All the meat is shot up with hormones and antibiotics.  All the soft drinks are just acid, genetically modified high fructose corn syrup, and artificial additives.  I could go on and on for days on the evils of fast food enterprises like McDonald's.  The thought of making love with someone with McDonald's food inside of her disgusts me.  Their urine, saliva, sweat, and vaginal secretions will all taste and smell bad.  She told me that her child's favorite food is chicken.  All they eat is chicken with rice, chicken with noodles, chicken with vegetables.  It is criminal to be raising an eighteen-month-old child on chicken.  The little boy's taste buds are becoming completely adulterated.  My mother was giving me mounds of steamed broccoli at his age.  Eating chicken all the time reflects absolutely no concern for the plight of the birds enslaved to the poultry industry.  Their living conditions are wretched and they are fed hormones to speed their growth to maturity in one fifth or one tenth the normal time.  There is evidence that these growth hormones that we are ingesting via the animals we eat are causing our children to become sexually mature at age eight or nine instead of age fifteen or so.  

Problem #4: X has not been exposed to enough unusual people and ideas.  My family is full of unusual people.

Problem #5: Even though she has a caring heart, a beautiful smile, and a good native intelligence, she is unconscious environmentally, socially, and politically.  Fulfillment for her consists primarily of three parts: having a home, a career, and a family.  If she can own a home, have a husband and children, and have a job that pays her bills, then she will be happy.  For me, the context in which all of these occur is more important. 

Problem #6: She has a boyfriend that she wants to dump.  I find her weak because she hangs on to him and waits for something better to come along.

Problem #7: I am not one third the person I should have been, not one third the person I want to be.  I have a tremendous amount of conflict in my life that would be very hard for a relatively simple person to deal with.  X would be happy just to become a nurse, let alone question the medical establishment.  I need someone just as intelligent, confident and disturbed as I am.  Anything less than that would be make our relationship an interminable suffering for both of us. 

Problem #8: X comes from a large family and believes in having several children of her own.  I think that it was reckless and unconscious for her mother to have had seven children.  This planet is dying under the strain of human overpopulation.  Species extinction, habitat loss, soil erosion, air and water pollution--all are the result of more human mouths to feed and house.  I am dumbfounded that X would permit herself to bear more children in the desperate situation we find ourselves today.  Aside from environmental concerns, there are the emotional and intellectual needs of children that cannot be met amidst a swarm of seven siblings.  Today's world is complex.  To become successful in it, children require great financial and emotional resources.  Sending children to college and graduate school to learn the complex skills that careers require is expensive.  To give children the emotional strength and self-confidence necessary to move beyond mere survival requires a tremendous amount of high-quality attention from the parents.  Raising seven children with the television set as a surrogate mother is not doing the world or society any favors.  Paying other people to raise your children in a haphazard fashion -- baby sitters, day care, preschool at age two, and after-school programs until evening -- is of little help in empowering our species to make the progress it so desperately needs.

Problems #9 through #100: It is pointless to analyze the remaining problems, many of which are just variations and extensions of the above themes.  The point in a given life situation is to know enough to make a decision.  I should have known enough to leave after becoming aware of problems #2 or #3.  Staying until problem #8 surfaced was either emotional masochism or intellectual overkill.

Comment 2017.11.12.

I am 52 years old now. I was 31 when I wrote the above and my views have changed on many things. At present I believe that some of the drift toward individualism and an unmooring from religious values has allowed a dependence on government to take place. We no longer resolve problems with our neighbors. We just call the police or hire a lawyer. We no longer have to work hard and save for our retirement because we can just go on government-paid Welfare. The belief today is that regardless of our own lack of good judgment in terms of personal and financial conduct, government and corporations will take care of us. We no longer have to rely on ourselves or look to God for guidance. We no longer have to engage self-inquiry and pursue a life based on moral principles because the pharmaceutical industry will provide us with the pills needed for the psychological stability we seek. The solutions the pills provide will be shallow and shortlived, and will result in a loss of meaning in our lives, but we have pills for that, too.

I now reject feminism. I see it is an elite construct to ruin families and increase government dependence. Women are different. For the most part, women do not thrive in the isolating, competitive, driven world of work. Women are better suited to raising families and nurturing others. Which is not to say that women cannot pursue careers. But this should not be forced upon them by economic urgency. A single income 50 years ago could support a stay-at-home partner and four children. Now, two incomes barely suffice to support two children. Humanity is poorer and more rat-like today. If pursued, a career should not come at such cost to the family. In the workplace, reduced hours, more flexible scheduling, and other factors should be considered that would benefit young children.

I am no longer averse to women at age 18 having children. Having children is what women were born to do. It should be celebrated and protected. This also means that I have no problem at age 52 being a husband and fathering children with such a young wife. Women grow with their men. They grow with their children. They don't need to be "alone" for a lost decade in their twenties as they mull over their place in the universe. This can all occur within the context of deep spousal and maternal relationships. In fact, it is better that it does. This only can happen if such an arrangement is economically feasible. In today's world where vain celebrities (in the employ of Lucifer) provide moral guidance to the masses, and where the gap between rich and poor grows ever wider, it is nearly impossible for a woman to pursue her maternal role without enormously damaging compromise.

On a personal note, I am not interested in relationships for the sake of procreation. I must be intrigued or otherwise deeply engaged by my partner. Words and beauty do tend to bore me unless they are grounded in subtle phenomenon. A woman must have psychic force -- a profound sexual charge -- if she is to pull me into an orbit around her. Most women, distracted by false images of beauty, their cell phones, and digitial representations of their social network, fail to develop their interior potential. So I am alone, and will continue to remain as such, until a spiritual dynamo makes herself known to me, and compels me to put my selfishness aside and create a child with her.

Om namah shivaya!


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