Listen To Your Heart - Unending Delays - Developing Egoic Integrity - A Powerful Ajna Chakra - A Growing Field Of Sentient Energy - Ultrasound Toothbrush Irritates Pineal Gland - Incorporating More Of The Universal Self
Listen To Your Heart - If Work Is Of Service, Then It Is Sadhana - Your Occupation Must Not Alienate Your Heart - If You Stay True To Your Heart, Life's Troubles Will Never Get The Best Of You - Unending Delays Of Creative, Written Output Due To External Obligations - Difficult To Find A Diet That Supports Intensive Aerobic Demands But Isn't Destructive Of Dental Health - Accepting Ayn Rand's Guidance In Developing Egoic Integrity - The Heart Will Not Sustain Bliss For Long Without A Powerful Ajna Chakra - While You Have To Reframe Rand's Work To Give It A Spiritual Context, She Has Much To Say That Is Positive - A One Foot But Growing Field Of Sentient Energy Around Me - Work Is Thrusting Myself Into Death - Ultrasound Toothbrush Irritates Pineal Gland - Don't Fuck With The Master Glands - Hiking Till 9:00pm - Not Enough Time In The Day - All This Rush And Focus Can Sour My Energy, Forcing Me To Shut Down And Withdraw - Incorporating More Of The Universal Self Into Your Everyday Actions And Behaviors
Tape Transcriptions - Tape #17 - September 4-6, 1994
More at One Cell One Light Radio.
Tape #17 beginning (date?) (1994.9.4. Sunday?)
(hiking) I am recalling an experience I had after teaching those children in East Los Angeles for a few weeks. It was a feeling in my heart -- an intuition that it was the right thing to do, even though I stressed about the job and I didn't do very well managing the behavior of the kids. But my heart told me that it was good for me. It was good for me to be putting myself on the line like that and to be sharing myself. And my heart told me that going to Princeton [a doctoral program] was the wrong thing. I already knew what was going on there. It was an intellectual affair, building myself into being one of these ivory tower types. It wasn't a heartfelt connection for me. I wanted something much more simple. All I wanted to say is to make the connection that with my heart area now much more consciously active, I can see the connection between that insight -- several years ago -- [heavy breathing] and what's going on now. Basically, despite all the stress I've been through -- all the hating of J [a former colleague and mentor] and the requirements being made of me -- it was mainly my intellect that was exhausted. My brain was fried because there were so many things I disagreed with about the situation. But never did I feel that my heart was withering, because always I felt that what I was doing was good. It wasn't harmful. It was a decent job. It might be too much of it. I might be exhausted by it. But never was I being alienated at a core level. It was more of my just being exhausted. My ego was thrashed constantly. I had so many intellectual dreams that I hoped to attend to sometime soon. Who knows how much of my capacity I'll be able to reclaim? But I don't believe my heart has been compromised too much.
A comment about my diet. I've been having a little bit more pasta lately, and salad. I feel that it's strengthened me somewhat. For instance, last night I had some salad and pasta, so I didn't get that sugar high before bed; and during the night I got up only once to use the bathroom. I woke up earlier. But the thing is, as the day went on, my energy dragged a bit. What I mean is that I think fruits are more fluid in my system and overall they promote more energy or something like that. I don't know. But the pasta and the salad are more grounding, perhaps. Who knows? I have to work it out somehow. I just don't want my teeth to fall out.
It's so sad that I'm not free to write. Pages and pages of text are just going through my mind. [birds chirping] Good stuff. Great stuff. (sigh) Liberating stuff. But it's just not the appropriate time -- at least not for this external world -- although my insides tell me that it is for me. It's very sad. This masters degree program is interminable. It's so contrary to my own instincts.
I was thinking about how I want to keep my book(s) very general. I'll read a book, or I'll read a passage I want to comment on, and what I'll do is I'll extract from it some very general point -- some generality that I comment on. But I'll also include a paragraph or two in which I state my indebtedness to several thinkers: Bubba Free John, Ken Wilber, Gopi Krishna, etc. I was thinking about what I would say to Ayn Rand. Basically, what I think about her is egoic integrity. Although the heart is bliss, and the heart transcends everything, in many ways it is the ajna chakra (chuckling) -- it is the command center -- that I find her more relevant for. What it's about is living -- responding and reacting -- with integrity. It's seeing the direction that things should go in. It's your intellectual capacity. I guess I'm clinging to this shred of ego that I've got. This enormous little blip of ego. It's going to have a lot to say. Of course, the heart is the final word on the matter. The ultimate truth is an intuitive, emotional, heart-felt, love-filled, humorous thing. Tragic thing. It's nothing about words at all. Or concepts. Nevertheless, the concepts that I transmute in my writing, hopefully they will appear to be laden with emotion and spirit. Anyway, Ayn Rand speaks well to my brain. The kind of individual integrity that I'm after is something that she has spoken a lot about. Of course, you have to rethink it all in spiritual terms, but she has one hell of a lot to say that is very positive.
*1994.9.5. (Monday) (Tape #17, continued.)
(low, tired voice) It's Monday, September 5th. I'm lying in my room. This energy in me has become stronger. It's stablized at a relatively intense level. I mean my head and my heart are both very warm and working. I feel like there's this field of energy around me that I'm starting to work through and be more conscious of. It's about a foot around me. Maybe it will be a couple of years before I can say it's ten feet around me, or whatever, until I am connected as far as I can go out there, while still maintaining myself. (sigh) It's wonderful. It's so challenging. My ego hasn't died --- yet. (sigh) What happens at work is going to be amazing. I'll just thrust myself into death. (dark laughter) I mean, I am just there so long I'm comatose. I'm trying to give an analogy to what it feels like. (long pause) I don't know what it feels like, but it's a major... What it is is like a stabilizing, and a very challenging drain on my energy to be there. This will be a four-day week. We'll see how it goes.
*1994.9.6. (Tuesday) (Tape #17, continued.)
(hiking) It's Tuesday, September 6, 1994. Last night I used my ultrasound toothbrush for the first time. I think it's a pretty darn good thing, at least as far as its effects on my gums. However, it irritated my pineal gland area. It did. It made it very irritated for a while. I'll keep on using it for a week, or two weeks, and see what happens. But basically, I think it's an irritant. It's a tough call because I'll only grudgingly give up any kind of positive remediation for my gums and teeth. (sigh) But my devotion -- my highest drive -- must be toward the fulfillment, the full utilization of these glands of mine. You don't fuck with the master glands. I sure hope my command center can deal with this ultrasound. The vibration is what irritates it. It's a very strange vibration. 1.6 million cycles per second, or something like that.
I have to be careful with myself this year, in terms of pushing myself too hard. I got into a very relaxed, almost slothful pace this summer. It was great. I laid around a lot. For two hours a day I was just rolling around in my bed. And then all the exercise and the eating. Last night I didn't get back from my hike until a little after 9. I ate some watermelon then I called X (my brother), talked to him for about 40 minutes. Then I had to wash all my hiking clothes and hang them. Then I had to scrape the warts on the soles of my feet, the endophytic warts, and apply the salicylic acid to them. Then I had to brush my teeth with my two apparatuses, and I didn't get to bed till 10:45pm or 5 of 11. Then I had to wake up at 5:30am, which is very early for me, because I had phone calls to make, and then I was rushed through all today. (heavy breathing, continued hiking) I got home at 4:20. I needed at least 45 minutes to get my shit together before I could go hiking. It was a blur. Anyways, I went on my hike. Now that I'm finally hiking, I'm trying to relax. But I have all this shit coming up. I have to be in a position to attack and to deal with it. I just don't want my energy to get sour. I hate it when it does that. It makes everything miserable. I have to just shut down. I want to keep it sensuous. I would have liked to have an hour to lie down before the hike; but I would have needed to come home an hour-and-a-half or two-hours earlier in order to really get that.
I had something of an intuition that one way to handle it is to eat less. But then I found myself -- my being -- vibrating at such a high pace, such a fast pace, in my head. It was like I was leaning forward, with too much of me being directed by my brain drive. You know, all these intellectual and externally oriented goals take over and I feel lopsided and out of control. Unless I feel grounded, the whole thing comes to a crash. Either I have to have a binge -- using food or sex -- or something, I don't know. Something crashes.
When I was thinking the other day about death of the ego, I was thinking of it as being very much a linear concept, whereas reality is much more of an ever-expanding wholeness. It is corroborated by my own experience -- an absorption of the individual self into a much greater whole, which is a divine state. I don't really know what it is. But it is an absorption of the isolated self into something larger. (crunching sound of footsteps walking along forest floor) As far as evolution goes, I think it's pretty consistent because, (laugh) you still have to operate at times, acknowledging your material self. I don't care if you're God conscious or what, if you're walking down the street and someone yells to you for help, or if there are three people and someone says your name, you will have to respond to that. All the skills you've developed with which to operate as an individual self are still there but they are refined and purified as you incorporate more of a universal self into your mode of operation.
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