Headaches - Kundalini - Solar Plexus - Cessation of Grasping And Desiring - Humor And Laughter On The Spiritual Path - Shopping At Sears

Describes how severe headaches plague many of the most advanced spiritual aspirants. Discusses my aversion to pain of any sort. Contends that the kundalini process, if engaged with restraint and intelligence, should not be associated with any physical pain or psychological breakdown.
Describes my aspiration for a whole body enlightenment that includes the solar plexus. Argues that an awareness grounded in the solar plexus is impervious to the distractions presented by siddhis and various other psychic phenomena.

States that I do not wish to write about my life until my search for whole body enlightenment is fulfilled. Argues that all my energy must go toward the cessation of this search's grasping and desiring.
Describes the central role that love and humor play on the spiritual path. Argues that while some fear and hopelessness are unavoidable, the strongest and most passionate spiritual aspirants minimize these negative states.

Describes my class's trip to Sears where I was seized by uncontrollable laughter stemming from my gut. The laughter was associated with feelings of health and existential freedom.
Argues that the burdens of the spiritual path should be met with laughter. Argues that if you are not laughing at the path's ridiculous ordeals and seriousness, you're not getting it.

Describes an auspicious feeling of being heavily weighed down during meditation. This descending force of kundalini was most prominent in my head, arms, and chest. There was a sensation of internal radiation and a ringing in my ears. The event was associated with a sense of psychic integration and groundedness.

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - Tape Transcriptions - Tape #22 - Work - November 5, 1994


*1994.11.5. Saturday. (tape #22, continued)

This morning I put up my feet for about twenty minutes and went into a deep dream state. There wasn't any dilemma. I didn't feel radiation coming up my spine -- just a warm ringing in my ears. The energy was neither intense nor problematic; so there was no change that took place. I feel very relaxed right now.

I was reading about Krishnamurti and some other people in Yatri's book, "Unknown Man: The Mysterious Birth Of A New Species" [pdf]. It's a profound book -- a visionary, artful, fact-filled, moving, visually stunning account of the state of humanity at the end of the 20th century. Among the 1000+ books that I own, it is my favorite. I highly recommend it. I read in it that Krishnamurti, along with many other spiritual greats, had frequent, intense headaches. Maybe I should be doing a better job of just submitting to this process and accepting the headaches and the pain. I don't like pain, though: I take it as a sign that the process is moving too fast. But I get tired of waiting -- tired of pulling back and slowing this process down. Maybe if I just go for it -- hold this energy in, and deal with having the knot in my head for a few weeks straight -- some kind of positive transformation will occur.

(later, hiking) I look very forward to this whole process being completed. If not completed, at least what I'm looking for is achieving the milestone that Da Avabhasa calls the "Witness Position," which I believe entails the realization -- the enlightenment -- of all the nerve plexuses, including the solar plexus. I don't know what comes after that; but achieving this Witness Position would be a great next step. Since I consider the solar plexus to be very much the ground, the place of "Is-ness," a consciousness centered there could very well be the Witness Position. From the perspective of the solar plexus, the tumult of sensations that pass through your nervous system just is. Grounded in the Witness Position, you are no longer overwhelmed by the world. The circle is complete; you're just witnessing the play of consciousness.

I've been thinking about at what point in the future that I would feel comfortable sitting down and writing about my experiences. I know for sure that I don't want to even think about writing an autobiography until I've achieved the state I'm looking for. I'm really looking forward to the end of this search. Rather than write, right now I just want to get done with all this grasping - all this searching. I'm tired of trying -- I'm tired of attempting to do anything -- I just want to be -- I don't want to become -- I just want to be. Until that's done, intellectual demands -- like writing a book -- will just harden my self-consciousness and delay this process of achieving that state of complete, satisfied witnessing.

(continued hiking; heavy breathing) I just want to emphasize how important it is to me that I retain my sense of humor throughout this process. You've got to be able to inject tremendous humor [end of tape #22, side A] into your darkest moments. Laughter and love are what it's all about. If I lose sight of that, I've lost an integral part of the message. Feeling scared, hopeless, lost, out-of-control, and so forth are all states that people go through. But I think that if you are strong enough, and if you have enough faith in your connection to the source, that such negative states will be minimized. The strong and the righteous shouldn't be mired or frozen on their path -- and if they do become stuck, they don't stay that way for long.

I have a few comments to share about school. Yesterday I really enjoyed sitting with my two foster grandparents, Grandma Maria and Grandma Marcy, at the Pearl Ridge Shopping Center. They're wonderful old ladies. I love their rich Filipino accents. Maria is 75, while Marcy is 84. We go to the mall every Friday. I don't know why the mood seized us like it did, but yesterday we were laughing; I mean really laughing, with tears rolling down our cheeks. I was being so silly. We were all at Sears in the home furnishings section, pushing the children in wheelchairs -- the grandmas with one each, and me with two -- and we were stopping to look -- I mean really looking -- at everything Sears had to sell: We were feeling the rugs, rubbing our hands on all the different textures of pile; we were feeling the curtains, some silky and bright, others rough and drab. I was putting sexy dresses against the grandmas to see how they would look on them. The kids got their share of clothes draped over their smiling, drooling little faces. I mean, we spent a whole hour in there, really paying attention to everything. It was fabulous. I made a mockery of the whole thing, injecting humor into every aspect of the Sears shopping experience. It was over the top. The children's and the grandmas' laughter was tremendous. We were so into it. We had transformed a materialistic consumer behavior into High Art.

Afterward, we were sitting at a bench outside Sears for a while. The grandmas started putting each other down, like they always do, with Grandma Marcy calling Grandma Maria fat. Then Grandma Maria made a few delectable comments about how Marcy's wig color didn't match her hair and how she was a Welfare cheat, and then looked at Wendell, asking him, laughingly, whether he thought that Grandma Marcy was beautiful, to which Wendell started to laugh, even though he didn't have a clue as to what Grandma Maria was talking about. We all took this to mean that Wendell agreed with Grandma Maria that Marcy's being beautiful was a big joke, and we all started laughing even more, including Marcy. It was really hilarious. I started having these laughs that stemmed from my gut. They were so freeing; so healing. But they felt out of place there in the enclosed mall space with all the somber faces, gloomy attitudes, factory air, and artificial lighting. It was very much an unnatural situation, yet our laughter filled it with joy.

Conveying a sense of scenes such as that depicted in the preceding paragraph is half of my story. When I write my autobiography I want to include photos that capture some of the feelings I've had -- like the picture of my brother, X [edit], and me kissing. How many guys out there have kissed their brothers on the lips? You should try it sometime! I also want to have a discussion of what constitutes the ideal yogi, you know: rings under the eyes, sunken chest, flabby muscles, masturbates and curses all the time, and so on. I want to make a joke out of spiritual development. I want to poke fun at its seriousness and nobility. Because you have to have fun with this. Spiritual development is a riot. If you're not laughing, you're not getting it. So we have to laugh. The ordeals that the spiritual aspirant has to go through in order to find God Head are more than hilarious -- they're ridiculous. You just have to laugh at it all.

That's all I wanted to say. I just hope that I retain some light heartedness in all of this, because that's much of what it's about: it's about the joy and the humor in everything.

(later, at home that evening; deep, heavy voice) I was laying down with my feet up [on the wall, like I always do] and I felt the ringing and the radiation very heavy in my arms and chest, and coming up into my head; and I felt very heavy -- like I was being pulled to the ground; I was grounded -- really grounded. This must have something to do with plugging into the earth's gravity. I'm not sure. But the feeling was a very good one: there was nothing disorienting or alarming about it.

I feel like I could speed this up a great deal if I were doing a lot of mental exercises; but I don't want to do that. My brain is just one part of the whole spectrum of this process; and I want to yield to a wholeness rather than to this concentration in my mind. I find mental exercises too manipulative -- so I'm going to stick with what I'm doing for a while. For the next six months to a year I'm going to just see what happens without forcefully using my mind to make something happen. I want to have a full-bodied experience -- with my mind, body, and heart all involved at the same time.




Need to scan the Yatri cover.


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