Kundalini - Manic Depressive - Unable To Sleep - EMF - Overexcitation - Out Of Control - Consciousness Decoupling From Body - Churning, Inflammatory Effect Of EMF - Cold Sweats - Disturbing Thoughts

A journal entry describing ongoing difficulty adapting to manmade EMF.

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - September 28, 1997


Last night was among the most grueling and scary that I have had in a long time, maybe since last November when my endocrine and nervous systems overheated so badly that I could not calm down.  Last night I went to bed early, at 6:00 p.m.  I had so much energy inside of me that I could do nothing constructive: I could not think; I could not exercise; I could not hold a conversation.  There was nothing "good" about the hot, heavy energy suffusing my whole being.  I was in a state of raw, out-of-control, overexcitation.  It is obvious that things are getting worse.  Yesterday I had not even been very active: intellectually I had produced little; physically I had made little exertion.  The amount of activity I had engaged did not warrant this extreme state of excitation. It is taking less and less exertion to put me into a completely frustrated and befuddled state.  What was most disturbing was that nothing worked to calm me down: Laying on my bed, closing my eyes, turning off my mind, having something to eat -- in short, anything I did -- all proved ineffective.  I was in a state of unaccountable overexposure, and I could do nothing to stop my receptiveness to incoming EMFs and their churning, inflammatory effect upon me.  As I lay in bed, contemplating how my errant consciousness was being burned like a proud bull taking shock upon shock from an electrocuting cattle prod, I found myself rolling in and out of cold sweats and disturbing thought patterns.  I thought about getting a knife from the kitchen and putting an end to this whole mess.  But wouldn't a suicide nullify my life insurance contract, robbing my family of the $500,000 policy that would be due?  Financially, and ethically, wouldn't it be better to have a stroke or an aneurysm, and just bleed to death internally?  Anyways, my life insurance has not even gone into effect yet.  I can't afford to die yet.  I reflected that to have this energy burn me and course through me, heedless of any volitional control I might exert upon it, is a fate far worse than physical death.  Such a loss of control is a destruction of your every grip on reality, your every connection to sanity.  It is total loss of control.  It mimics the force of cosmic consciousness itself, and runs amuck in the human body, heedless of the organized processes and channels to which adherence is required in order to maintain the body's health.  I have a theory as to why I am regressing, why I have degenerated into this state.  My nervous and circulatory systems are not well.  The last two years have exacted a terrible price.  Just as my right thumb nail has been so deformed and inflamed over the past two years on account of the descending force being unable to flow freely in me, so my left thumb is starting to get irritated: the ascending force, for so long stable, is starting to break down as well.  Last Tuesday, after I orgasmed, I felt a deadening pain course up from my penis to my prostate and then down to my testicles.  Since then I have felt mentally less at ease at school.  I very easily feel "off" with my mental energy burning me at school now.  Lengthy conversations now cause me to feel pain in my head, and a wave of illness and cold sweat pass through me.  Somehow, I am no longer grounded, no longer resilient and connected to this circuit of energy in me.  Before, I could tolerate much more irritating stimulation at school, presumably because my body was responding holistically and took the beating as a single, unified organism.  But now, it is as if the neutral -- or negative/grounding -- wire has been pulled out of the socket, leaving the remaining wire to wave about, burning everything it touches.  I cannot adequately describe the horror I endured last night, of my having almost no demands all day, of my going to bed so early, and of my still not being able to feel calm or secure.  I was inexplicably overstimulated.  Even laying flat on my stomach did nothing to curb the sensation of a burning, psychotic heat in my head and chest.  For the last several years, laying prone has always worked.  But now it does not.  The last time laying down was so ineffective was the year or two after the kundalini was initially awakened in the fall of 1985.  Have I regressed ten years to that immature phase?  Last night I woke up at 8:30 pm and forced myself to do an aerobic step routine for twenty minutes -- the first time in ages that I have needed to get up and use exercise to ground me -- a return to the bad days at Berkeley. Back then I had to go walking, I had to overeat.  When it was a matter of grounding this force, all I had to do was walk, eat, lay down, or masturbate.  But now I cannot go walking because that just makes me more conductive of electromagnetic field.  My health and my defenses are pitted against one another.  My life force has become trapped and can do nothing but destroy itself.  If this breakdown strips me of all my defenses against overstimulation, I am terrified at what the consequences will be.  The fear of not being able carry on at work -- or of not being able to find the insentient peace of sleep -- terrifies me.  At 5:30 a.m. when I awoke today I felt a burning, overexposed feeling in my pineal and hypothalamus glands.  Masturbating last night at 10:00 p.m. did little to curb my irritation, and has left my brain and chest feeling more exposed than ever.  Masturbation, while offering a few minutes of peace, takes me inexorably closer to the source of my suffering.  I am caught in a horrible bind of needing to deny my very life force: every process of internal secretion or movement of energy inside of me leads me inexorably into a more rarefied and sensitized contact with EMF's.  I am ever hopeful that some relief will come.  But I am not optimistic.  I don't see how I can make it through all these tedious meetings at school.  I am already weary of trying to defend myself against appearing unstable or mentally disturbed.  It is a battle that I am bound to lose.  I want very much to be good to the people and kids I work with, to have a good year at school.  But it is so trying on me to steer a steady course through all of this.  The EMF exposure in the school's vicinity alone saps me of seventy-five percent of my strength.  The remaining twenty-five percent is inadequate to function there.  I must appear manic-depressive as I am continually feeling worn out, forcing myself to lurch forward in a spastic movement of contrived and short-lived enthusiasm.  I am particularly horrified at the possible consequences of my being in the intensely urban and EMF-exposed areas of Dallas, Tulsa, Los Angeles, and San Francisco next month.  If inertia -- if laying down, if inducing apathy and insentience -- is ineffective at calming this stream of consciousness, I will have absolutely no defense by which to handle the stress of being there.  What then?  I don't want to know!  In the meantime, I will continue to hope for a change in my body's response to EMFs.  I had hoped that the deadening of my prostate and testicles would be linked with an overall decrease in EMF awareness.  That would be great.  But the churning fear and anxiety that grows in my brachial plexus and thymus, and the burning irritation in my head, demonstrate to me that no overall reduction of EMF consciousness has occurred.  And to think that it has not even been two years since this awareness peaked on Kulio'o Ridge on Oahu! In what broken state can I possibly be two years from now?




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