Existential Freedom - Experiential Accounts Of Spiritual Liberation - Criticism Of An Experience Of Samadhi - Bodiless Consciousness - Escapist - Meditation - Refined Sugar
Details a budding intuition of whole-body, existential freedom.
Expresses my desire for more people to experience and recount their transformations into the state of whole body enlightenment, thereby taking much of the pressure off of me. Argues that having available a greater number of authentic experiential accounts of spiritual liberation will be of inestimable value to future spiritual aspirants.
Expresses criticism of one of Adi Da's devotee's experience of samadhi, disapproving of its disconnected, bodiless consciousness. Argues that the spiritual aspirant should be like a rock, with enlightenment inhabiting every fiber of your being, from the ground up.
Describes my dismay and reservation about submitting to any wild or bodiless state of consciousness. Describes my desire for any transformation or further experiential milestone to embrace the structure of my present body-mind. Expresses my desire, simply, for a broadening and a deepening of who I already am. There should be no sense of loss, no sense of disconnection, in the transformation to the state of whole body enlightenment.
Details how two orgasms in a single day brought on flu-like symptoms.
Argues the importance of husbanding one's energies, being more reflective, and refraining from dissipating oneself through mindless, distracting conversations.
Makes the case for their being a close relationship between sugar and subtle energy. Describes how refined sugar exhausts me in the most immediate and extreme manner.
Argues that my work and the work of other Adepts will shed light on the further reaches of the kundalini process, thereby reducing the level of doubt and uncertainty faced by future generations of spiritual aspirants.
Argues that meditation and yearning for samadhi are largely escapist. Argues that though there is a limited role for meditation -- in terms of its elevating the endocrine system -- the bulk of one's focus should be upon the totality of one's life. Argues that life itself is the ultimate meditation.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms / Kundalini, Orgasm, Masturbation, And The Spiritual Function of Sexual Fluids / Tape Transcriptions - Tape #22 - November 3, 1994
*1994.11.3. Thursday. (Tape #22, continued)
(hiking, heavy breathing) There is very little to report. The twin orgasms of this past weekend effectively arrested this process; the momentum's been drained. The last four days, when I lie down, I haven't felt much -- certainly nothing overpowering. Not today either. It's funny, though -- I may be reading too much into this -- but existentially, I feel freer. There is an amazing freeness budding inside me -- an intuition of the freedom I felt last week Thursday as I was eating my dinner at the Krishna restaurant. I don't know where it came from. It was a whole body feeling. But, apart from this promising intuition, there's been nothing to ease this mental dilemma -- this mental suffering of mine.
I'm working hard. I'm making progress. But I still don't know what it is exactly that I'm looking for.
(pause, heavy breathing, going up the switchback, birds chirping) I got depressed as I was reading about one of Da Avabhasa's (pdf) female devotees, Suprithi. She had an experience of profound samadhi, a state of consciousness with no bodily limitation. Her narrative of the experience was beautiful, profound. Reading it made me feel less egotistical. The more people who are doing this -- who are on their way -- the less salient and necessary my own personal recounting becomes. The more that people share and record these kinds of experiences, the less burden there is on me to record mine. But I do have some criticisms of her narrative. There was so much drama. I mean, my God, the whole thing was just too much. There was a lightning bolt of energy that rushed up into her head and catapulted her into a bodiless consciousness. Her spiritual awareness might as well have been a billion miles away from her body. After a period of immersion in the great, transcendent ether, the descending force returned her awareness to her body.
Clearly, it was a powerful experience; but I have some doubts about whether such an experience represents the ideal -- or whether I'd want a similar experience for me. I mean, shit, I just don't want too much drama. I have such an observant, anal-retentive pituitary gland and self-concept: I would have nipped that force in the bud. Nothing's going to launch me out of my body. I don't want some great force doing that to me. I don't want that drama. I want to be a rock. I want to be right here. I want something I can live with -- continuously from one moment to the next. I don't want to lose bodily consciousness: It's not what I want. It's not what I want. I want a consciousness that is radically incorporated into -- and that radically transcends -- what I'm operating with right now. I don't want to lose anything; I just want more. I simply want my structure of consciousness to expand; there should be no reason to lose contact with anything. That devotee was in such a state of profound bliss that you could have shaken her -- done anything to her -- and she wouldn't have known it. I'm unwilling to do that. My feeling is that I can have the very height of her awareness during that experience, yet within the context of the simultaneous and equally powerful grounding power of the descending force. What I mean is that, if I am the full circuit, if I am witnessing that at all times, then I'll be aware of it at all times. I shouldn't be aware of one extreme to the exclusion of others because they're all part of who and what I am.
The question is -- developmentally, in order to get there -- do you have to have some wild, extreme experiences under your belt? I hope not. In my case, I think what I'm doing is just trying to limit myself; I'm willing to have less than what Suprithi had, as long as it's fully grounded. I just want to be doing every day what I'm already doing. I don't want to tune out. Occasionally, a fear rises up in me that I will no longer be able to put off transcending this brain of mine. I fear having some monumental, body-erasing experience like Suprithi's. But, if it is necessary for me to go through some sort of dilemma with my mind, I just don't know how to do that. I don't know whether I just need to let some lightning bolts thrash me -- like I've felt a few times -- or if I need to work this process into a frenzied state where it just draws me into itself, like I did in July. Or maybe I have to be as submissive as possible and let it cascade into me -- though I seem to lack the submissiveness for that. The whole thing's just a problem. The self seems to create such things -- such dilemmas -- and I don't know how I am to best overcome them. In the meantime I have to try to lead as pure and grounded a life as possible.
(Pause, continued heavy breathing, hiking.) You know, I don't know what kind of damage I do when I masturbate like that. I have to do my best not to masturbate again for a while. I had flu symptoms for two days following the two orgasms Sunday and the poor sleep Sunday night. And last night was brutal. I had a long day at work, with too much conversation, then my three-hour class at U.H. last night. I engaged in far too much dialogue throughout the day. I came home last night with a feeling I hadn't had in a long time -- maybe years. My brain felt red with a hot and raw energy. It wouldn't let me sleep. It wasn't an engulfing energy like Sunday night which, though overpowering, was basically a good energy. Rather, last night's was raw, burning, and painful. (sigh) So today I was determined to be especially mellow: I tried to not talk as much; I tried to husband my energies, be more reflective, and refrain from dissipating myself through the mindless, distracting socializing at work.
I want to comment on the distinct relationship between sugar and spiritual transformation. I am amazed at how sensitive I am to refined sugar. At work I had a piece of dehydrated pumpkin with cinnamon and sugar on it that X made. Eating it instantly put bags under my eyes. The sugar totally drained me of energy. It couldn't have taken more than a minute for the bags to appear. It must have had to do with the refined nature of that sugar. A more complex sugar, like honey, has a much more benign effect on me: It feels better. It doesn't leach energy from my physical and spiritual systems. If I were a chemist I would look at the lengths of the sugar molecule's chains and other indices of the sugar's complexity. What I've read is that the more complex the sugar, the longer it takes to digest, and therefore the more smooth and sustained the energy is that it gives you. But there must be more to it than that. I need to research this more. Subtle essences, radiation, inner light: there must be a relationship between these things and sugar. Whatever the case, it's amazing how whacked out my energy is from refined sugar.
Given how committed I am to integrating everything with my life, and given how I am not seeking these dramatic spiritual experiences, I am hopeful that what will happen is that, somehow, the capacity for transformation will grow throughout my body, and that at some point there will come a transformation, from my very depth, that brings everything else with it. That transformation won't be an exclusive central nervous system brain thing. So far, my experience has been primarily one of an experience in the brain, aside from that one time where my pancreas was involved. I have an intuition of this inner gestalt change that radically transforms me, but without any drama. It could happen in just a few seconds; and all of a sudden my whole being would be oriented toward another level -- toward a deeper, more grounded and inclusive structure of consciousness.
I do think that people in the future -- assuming that the planet and our society improve rather than regress, and that people have access to my books and other spiritual accounts such as Da Avabhasa's and his disciples' -- will have a lot less doubt, a lot less uncertainty impeding their progress. All this information has got to help. I would have benefited from more and better information being made available to me. I've had a lot of doubt on my path. This process is a difficult path to follow; and it doesn't make things any easier to not know what's going on. All in all, I really don't know what's possible here.
(Pause.) When I feel weakness, or when I doubt myself, I reflect negatively on my arrogance; and, when caught low like this, I become more sympathetic to the argument that what Da Avabhasa is doing is a good thing. But when I feel stronger -- as I do most of the time -- I think of all the things that he says and does that I disagree with. For example, all of his disciples sit around together on their cushions and meditate. I don't believe in meditation -- and certainly not as a group. I've done it before and it makes my skin crawl. It presses the air out of my lungs. It's like being dwarfed by the over-soul. Meditation is just a means to elevate your endocrine system. And once that's on-line, there is no need for it. Life is a meditation. Everything's got to be a part of it. To just sit there going for samadhi all the time is escapist. But I certainly won't have the last laugh until I get my slice of the cake -- if that ever comes.
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