Lying In Bed With Feet Up Against The Wall As My Meditation - 85º Hawaii As Energetic Primordial Soup - Gastrointestinal Obstruction = Spiritual Obstruction - Denying Your Inner Voice To Find The Numbness Of Codependency - Skull Cracking During Graduate Seminar - Unable To Grok - The Madness Of Untethered Subtle Energy - Living Under Jehovah's Witness Rules
Lying In Bed With Feet Up Against The Wall As My Meditation - Almost Ready For Increased Subtle Energy Flow And Shifts In Perception - Blasting Open The Door Of Perception - 85º Hawaii As Energetic Primordial Soup Causing Energy Bursts Within Me - Can Never Be Completely Prepared For Major Spiritual Events, You Must Adapt To Them As They Occur - Spaghetti And Grains Weaken Your Will Power - Gastrointestinal Heaviness Obstructs This Process - The Brain Needs A GI Tract Free Of Gas And Blockage - Financial And Spiritual Considerations In The Eviction Of My Housemate Chris - Details Regarding My Physical Space Needs In A Small House Near Paradise Park In Manoa Valley, Honolulu - The Wrongness Of Forcibly Involving Someone In Your Own Problems - Inherent Repulsion Between My Mind And The Behavioral Analysis Course Texts - If The Special Education Professors Are To Spark Fires Of Knowledge, Then My Mind Is A Wind Tunnel - When It Is Time To Study I Won't Or Can't Sit Down - The Unraveling Of The Lies That Are Social Constructs - Can No Longer Tolerate The Misery Of Pursuing This Degree - As A Matter Of Survival Is My First Priority This World And The Structures That Reign In It? - Denying Your Inner Voice To Find The Numbness Of Codependency - Twice I Heard My Skull Crack In Class During Moments Of Peak Alienation Where A Negative Pressure Developed In My Brain And Caused A Pulling Inward And A Shifting Of Two Skull Plates - An Interior Sense Of Dislocation And Detachment So Strong As To Create A Literal Void Or Negative Pressure Within My Brain That Sucked Or Pulled My Skull Inward Resulting In The Actual Movement Of The Bones That Form My Skull - Graduate School, An Alien World Diametrically Opposed To My Being Able To Grok - When At UC Berkeley, And This Process Was Less Mature, I Trained Myself To NOT THINK For Three Hours Before Going To Bed - If I Was Less Strict With My Mind, My Energy Would Run Wild And I Wouldn't Be Able To Sleep, With The Only Remedy Being A 2-3 Hour Walk In The Middle Of The Night To Calm My Mental Chatter And The Untethered Subtle Energies Racing Through Me - Why I Don't Like Movies, Especially Blockbuster Releases Like "Jurassic Park" - The Difficulty Of Living Under Jehovah's Witness Rules That Include No Drugs, No Overnight Guests And No Premarital Sex - The Incredibly Mellow And Trusting Nature Of Hawaiian Birds - So Tired Of This Objectivist, Behaviorist, "Scientific" Approach To Teaching - If My Thesis Were A Personal Narrative Of My Experiences In The Classroom I Would Have Zero Problem With It - I Want Intellectual Freedom Now - Hot Weather And The Intense Sexuality Of University Of Hawaii Students - I Want To Be Like Clint Eastwood In "In The Line Of Fire" And Copulate With A Healthy Taut Beautiful Woman 10 Years Younger Than Me
Tape Transcriptions - Tape #8 - July 9, 1993
Japanese White-Eyes (a small finch-like bird) would come within two feet of me as I hiked the Manoa Falls and Aihualama Trails when I lived on Oahu from 1990-1996.
My special needs housemate, Chris, loved the Kirk Banks soccer tournament held annually at different venues on the island of O'ahu. It was probably the most positive thing in his life.
Robert Neelly Bellah (pdf), my sociology of religion professor while I was an undergrad at the University of California from 1983-1988.
1993.7.9. Friday. (tape #8, continued)
It's July 9th, 1993. And, uhmm, I was lying on my bed with my feet up against the wall. I've been spending hours like that, just like a fucking -- like a fucking bat -- hanging. It's been great. Anyways, I've been feeling this pretty intense energy in me. I don't know, it's like a large feeling in my brain and it was building, and I was getting kind of a feeling of giddiness. And, uhmm, I'm almost ready for it. My situation is almost grounded enough. Definitely, I mean, you know, within the next couple of years I'm going to be ready for, you know, periodic, uhh, moments where the subtle energy is flowing, and I'm perceiving inner light and my visual perceptions change somewhat, to maybe more along the lines of what Gopi Krishna saw.
(end of tape #8 side A)
(beginning of tape #8 side B)
1993.7.9. Friday, continued. (beginning of side B, tape #8)
[lying down, soft voice] But what's exciting to me is that I have so far to go -- physically and materially, et cetera -- and yet my spirit still seems to be making adequate progress. I still have my thirty-some-odd pounds to lose. I still have more clarity to achieve in my material existence here in terms of what I own. In the next couple of years I'll be done with my education, so that will be an enormous amount of time liberated for me. Because right now it seems to be like three-quarters of the time that is supposed to be for me is spent on something other, which is like school. So I am very pleased, actually. It's just a matter of time. I am not so afraid of it now. I know that I will overcome these obstacles. In the next few days, for instance... I'm pretty confident that I have... I mean I've been feeling kind of out of my -- like somehow lifted from my normal reality. I don't know. It's just that things aren't bothering me as much. I'm still pretty aware and I'm feeling very strong, even though I do have my depressions and what not, but that's just part of coping. But I think that certainly right here at my desk -- my desk thermometer says 85º in my room, I'm like a Mexican jumping bean -- energy is starting to fluctuate radically, just because of the heat. I'm in this primordial soup out here, in the middle of the ocean. But I think that I have enough -- (sigh) almost enough, hopefully enough, I don't think I can prepare for it completely, I'll have to adapt to it as it's there -- but I could almost be driving a car and be having some of these inner light experiences. It's bubbling in there, and that chakra, that door of perception has to be blasted open one of these days. It's just a matter of time. I just have to stay committed to the situation.
(later) I am experiencing right now a heaviness in my colon and stomach and what-not from the grains that I eat, and some of these heavier things. It really weakens my willpower. I'm trying to study for my exams and it's very difficult to become like pure willpower. I have energy flowing up to the brain, but then you have heaviness in the stomach and colon, and that causes energy to go into that direction, and it makes it much more difficult to focus. I'm seeing that in order to become more of an approximation of pure will -- of pure energy -- is to have just water and fruits and vegetables in your system. I'd say just juicy fruits and water only, but you have to have your veggies, too. Basically, you want to have a GI tract with no gas and foods that are easy to digest. That will definitely facilitate your brain's operation.
(pause) At a point of fairly acute dismay at this one article I was reading, I didn't feel like going on anymore, so I laid down and felt basically that what was going on was that there was some gas and there was a large movement in one area of my colon that I was helping to massage forward. That was partly the reason why I was waylaid, as it were.
(later, hiking) Well, the issue of Chris X. I issued him a 30-day notice toward the end of July [June?]. Since that time he has put in applications for three different places. It's been like three weeks now. He did the Kirk Banks Tournament (pdf) (an AYSO sponsored tournament for soccer players with handicaps). He is really involved with soccer and that is where his priorities are. So he gave all this attention to soccer even though he knew he didn't have a job. My question is this: He really lacks insight into himself and how dependent he is on people to clean up for him, make sure he gets to work on time, pay his bills, etc. People are constantly doing things for him. In pushing him out of here I understand that he needs a social net to keep him up, or else he'll fall. But he doesn't see it that way. He lives very much in dreams. He always thinks the next job is right around the corner, that he has all these options. One by one nothing pans out for him. But in his mind there is always this next option for him that keeps him positive. But at some point he has to hit reality. The fact of the matter is that he doesn't have a dime. He doesn't have any money for a down payment. All of his deposit in my place has been eaten up by the debt that he owes me, and I cannot find the spiritually correct thing to do with him. I've had some moments of wondering, well, the homeless shelter isn't that bad and that's really where he has to go until he gets his shit together. He doesn't respect me. He treats me like shit most of the time. He kisses my ass only occasionally and that is just to get things from me. He's just a total slob around the house. What he does with laundry and cooking is just obscene. I don't see how anyone would be willing to live with him -- really. Thinking about me -- sometimes I think about hypocrisy here -- as long as someone is willing to deal with the extension of my ownership, which includes having the distillers on, having the larger frig, and a couple of other things like that -- if they can deal with that --apart from that I don't require anything of them, meaning that I'd never leave a mess for them or ask them to do anything for me. I'm never dependent upon them. Pretty much I think I'm a stable boat. But sometimes I wonder whether, in some other way, I am equally at fault as Chris. I definitely have self- and space-needs that go way beyond what most people need or call for. Unfortunately, I don't have the environment or the income to support it as I would like, and so I take over most of this small house and this other person has to deal with a smaller slice of the physical pie. I am trying to be upfront with them when they move in -- that this is in fact the situation. It's nothing I spring upon people anymore. Exercise equipment taking up the living room, things like that. I was wondering, well, on the one hand - letting my living reality work itself out with Chris, in terms of like, "Hey Chris, you still don't have a job. It's a month later. You know, what do you expect? You only submitted three applications." And then take him straight to the homeless shelter. On the other hand [sigh, heavy breathing from hiking], part of me feels, well, in order for society to function there has to be some flexibility built in to accommodate people who do need some assistance, and Chris definitely does. The problem with this is that he doesn't thank you for it, he doesn't realize it, yet it [the assistance] is still demanded of you. So it is a thankless project. I was considering going to this dorm place which is somewhere he applied at but was turned down by this lady who had second thoughts. I don't blame her. But she didn't know the whole X story. I could probably go down there and sweet talk her, and tell her some things about Chris and why she should give him a chance. Part of it is because hopefully he has an extensive support network -- including myself. I was going to pro-rate his rent for the rest of this month (it's nearly the middle of July), pay August, and the deposit -- all told, like $700 or so. I was wondering to myself, "Is this a grand act of egotism, or is this selflessness -- divine?" Because, in a way, am I just trying to buy someone off to take over X for me? That's certainly part of it. I'm tired of him -- I want to get rid of him -- in a very major way. By the same token, no matter how much money I give to this lady there is still a distinct possibility that what I am in fact giving to her is the responsibility to be evicting him later on - and that is something no one likes to do. It's a difficult position to be put into, having to kick someone out. It doesn't feel good. Even if it's not until October, at which point she has to -- let's say Chris makes rent for a month or two, then he's late -- she should not have to be put into a situation where she has to show him compassion when in fact he never thanks you for it or appears that he's deserving of it. It's very hard to do that. So I don't really know. I'm leaning toward... So I'm not sure whether it would be more philanthropic for me to just take Chris to the homeless shelter, or to forcibly involve him in someone else's life. I think in a way, to force someone else to be a part of his problem is actually a greater wrongdoing than to let reality simply play itself out here -- because I cannot have someone go through what I've gone through, even though in this dorm situation he won't have to deal with -- no one will have to put up with his cooking problem or his laundry problem. So it will be a better place for him anyway. I'm still weighing these things.
(later, hiking) I'm afraid that no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to study for this masters exam. It's like (pause, laughter)... It's like that feeling I had constantly in R's class and all the other seminars. It was like they were the bringers of light to each mind -- hypothetically or theoretically -- and within each student was a wick, a candle wick, and the professors had the light to light it up, and my mind would be like a wind tunnel. There was no way they could spark anything in me. It's so so very difficult. It's this weird feeling of like... You know what it's like? In my mind, it's like this -- when I am trying to read this stuff -- all this behavioral analysis stuff -- that is supposed to dictate your every move in the classroom -- which is for me a very emotional-physical kind of a thing that you don't analyze constantly. If this information is like a north pole on a magnet, then my mind is like a north pole on a magnet -- and they just can't connect. There is an inherent repulsion between the two. It's a very very strong feeling, this repulsion. I just can't connect with it. Every time I try to get into it I have totally strong urges to masturbate, over eat, et cetera. And truly, as I said earlier today, it takes more will power than I've got to do it. I guess I just need to call a spade a spade. I mean, I don't know, I want to get that degree (sound of foot steps hiking), not so much that I need the degree for my ego. In an external way, I want to follow through on what's expected of me, you know, this is another trapping that is part of what I am supposed to be doing; and if I let too much of my disposition show through, it will just unveil -- unravel -- this whole fucking bullshit thing they've created for you. I just don't like any of it, you know. So I don't know. I'm going to try to spend the next month or two -- the upcoming months -- preparing for this thing but really, I mean, I try to sit down with the thought that [low serious voice] "Now it's time to study" and I can't sit down! I just can't! I'm really fearful that it's going to put me into a three- or four-month cycle of alienating myself and slicing parts of me off through overeating, bad thinking -- thoughts that stir up my mind, destroying the equanimity that I so cherish and so painstakingly sought to create; and, if I don't put the right amount of energy into it, I very well may not pass this test. I think if I put even a minimal effort into just getting some basic answers down on paper that I will have a good chance. I definitely have the eloquence, the articulateness, to pass this thing. I looked at the requirements for a minimal level of passing, and they are not very strict. They're not very stringent at all. Now to get a 4 -- a high pass -- I have the capability to do it, although they've never awarded it to someone -- I could definitely do because I have the time and the energy, but I just don't have the passion. I just can't muster the kind of bonding necessary to come up with that complete and thorough an answer.
I mean, I feel my life waning in a way. I mean, I am getting older, and sacrifices are costing me more, physically, now. I don't have much time to recoup myself. I feel very much an immediacy in my life -- that everything has to be correct and right, right now. It's very hard for me to put up with another six months of a haggard look in my face and the loss of tone in my muscles -- or generally, this feeling of misery as I pursue this degree. It just doesn't feel right to me. Nevertheless, a couple of weeks ago as I was going through that crisis, I understood that my first priority has to be this world, and the structures that reign in it. So, given the situation that I have placed myself in, this degree is something I must attend to. So I shall try.
(still hiking) There were several numerous, striking moments where the strength of the feeling was so strong that I was sitting in class listening to stuff I didn't agree with, feeling very tired and wanting to recline and just grok, and I felt that it was an impossibility that I was there in class. It just couldn't be possible. I mean, I might as well have been on Mars. I had a negative interest in the class. It wasn't even a zero. It was minus. It was physically and mentally destructive to be there. You're saddled with that feeling for half-an-hour, just brewing in you, and then you get over it and get this sort of numb feeling of codependency, kind of like you numb yourself and then you feel more a part of the group, but you're totally tired. You get occasional fits of euphoria (laughter) as your being attempts to put a plus sign over the minus sign. There were a couple of times that I actually felt my brain crack. I actually heard the shifting of my skull plates. It was so bizarre. It was like my interior sense of dislocation and detachment had grown so strong as to create a literal void or negative pressure within my brain that sucked or pulled my skull inward, resulting in the actual movement of the bones that form my skull. It was two of the plates that shifted and made a noise. I felt movement and heard a noise there. Literally, being in that class was cracking my skull. At its worst, when I was less strong, like back at Berkeley, when I was less grounded, and I was put into a situation that I had problems with, like Bellah's (pdf) graduate seminar or something, being forced to entertain thoughts that bothered me, my whole brain would be thrown into a tizzy and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I wish I had journals from all that time. Fuck. I remember very distinctly that I forced myself not to think before I went to bed, a couple of hours before I went to bed. I forced myself not to allow it because it would definitely keep me up for hours and hours. So I got into the habit of not thinking. So many things happened along the way. I want to live to retell this tale -- share it with other people.
(later that evening?) I, kind of on the spur of the moment, went to see "Jurassic Park" tonight. Really, mainstream releases are such a drain. You know, the tension in the movie, the values, the dialogue. It was really a poor movie -- very little spiritual benefit -- and I walked out of there very tired and not pleased. In general I don't like movies. I don't like to see movies. They're a poor form of entertainment. You have to be much more selective. It was really a drain to have to focus on it.
(next day; hiking, birds chirping, labored breathing) Well, my mom doesn't want me to give any more money to Chris. I can see her perspective, and where she is coming from. Chris has created this problem. I'm sensitive to the issue that he isn't playing with a full deck, but he's got to realize that, and come up against what he's created, which has been three weeks of, really, not accomplishing anything. So his not having any money next month is not my problem. Spiritually, it saddens me, because I have the credit to do it, but I certainly don't have the cash, and I'd be selling my future to be helping him. There's no telling when I'd get it back.
I was thinking of something else, which is I'm feeling kind of guilty about how much I am charging for the little room, given that I am taking up more space in the place. The living room, essentially, is an extension of my bedroom. Having the guy pay $50 more than he would otherwise have to (i.e., a 50% split in the total rental fee), is a bit much. I think Laura saw that ad, so she's going to want to raise the rent on me now. All this greed. I talked her down to $825. I could have been firm and just kept her at $800 but I've got to respect her needs. The thing is, is that, it's quite difficult to live under the situation we're in, which is no drugs, no overnight guests, no sex. She doesn't realize that of every ten people that respond to my ad, only one of them is a potential renter. The room's small, the rent's high, and the behavioral expectations onerous. I was feeling kind of guilty about that, that I was becoming too greedy. Maybe I should split the rent in half and add just $25 to the other person's share. Five dollars will go toward the paper products we use each month, and the other $20 will go to me -- because it's a hassle being the point man with her and I've got to pay for the newspaper ads and deal with all that stress. If the guys don't pay, it's my ass.
(later) These Hawaiian birds are so totally mellow. I mean, this little green finch type allowed me to come probably within two feet of it. It was just looking at me. And these other birds -- I don't know what they are -- these black birds with a bit of white on the wings. They're so friendly, I mean they're always jumping out right in front of you, looking at you. I know their intention is to draw you away from their nests, but they certainly do it in a pleasant and sociable manner. They are so close sometimes that I bet if I wanted to I could just reach out and grab one. But I'd have to reach out as quickly as I can, and at that speed I wouldn't be able to control how hard I grasp and I might hurt it. I don't want to do that. And these doves here, these doves or whatever they're called, these little pigeon-like doves -- I mean everything is so mellow. You can see how when the mongooses and the rats came here that the birds were just devastated. All those original, ground nesting birds would have been wiped out. This Hawaiian climate makes everything so mellow and relatively defenseless. There are no natural predators here, so the birds never freaked. They never had to adapt to a cunning predator. The mongoose and the rat are about as wily and as dangerous as you can get. These rodents are not like a hamster or a mouse. These guys are brutal, especially if you're a bird and you're roosting in your nest, they're going to eat you and your eggs.
(hiking, heavy breathing) I masturbated Sunday -- let's see -- Monday night. I've been eating a lot, yesterday and today. I'm probably easily 200 right now. My stress level is high. Today I was sitting down trying to study for my comps. I'm so fucking tired of it, tired of this shit, this scientific shit. Objectivism. I would agree to a written something [master's thesis] if it were all about my personal experience teaching these kids. It would have a personally, growth-oriented, tied-to-the-self perspective that would be worthwhile in itself. But as it is, it's totally devoid of that. Then why study it? This work is driving a wedge between my right and left hemisphere -- between my mind and sanity. I'm going to quit. I have a professional diploma. It's not as good as a master's degree. But it allows me, at least in this state, to receive the same pay. It's not as prestigious, and in some states, I think I'll be able to get a job, but I won't get the professional certificate. I'll get a basic certificate. So what? Chances are very slim that I will want to go somewhere else. I'm on my last stand out here, and as soon as possible I'm not going to be thinking at all about my job. As much as I can, all of my extra energy is going to go into my creative work, because that's what I'm here for. That's the destiny I've laid out for myself. I'm not going to be living from state to state looking for professional acceptance. I'm going to be scum here. I'm going to be humble. I'm just going to be grist for the system. I want intellectual freedom, and I want it now.
It's been three years now that I've been in this program, and even though this is like the last thing I need to do to get my master's, it's a monumental hoop to jump through. (hiking, labored breathing) I could do it, like these other things I put up with. But the thing is, now it's voluntary. I don't have to do this. I had my last straw well over a year ago, about a year and a half into the system -- into the program. I'd been through hell and back. That was my second 400 with R. I was ready to be certified as a teacher. But they wouldn't do it. They wanted me longer [so I could get the masters and move on possibly to the newly created doctoral program]. So the next year and a half were just absolute... (laughing, gallows humor) It's like -- it was like I was turning gray. It's like the struggle is over. The redness is gone -- the redness from exertion against it -- and you just go limp and turn gray. I was turning gray, and to go through any more is just an absolute no way. I cannot tolerate anymore. Their whole perspective is fucked. And this master's project is about embodying all the principles that they shoved down my throat -- all those principles that I had no say about. That hurt. Now they want me to represent them, and I won't. And, luckily, that I won't won't cost me too much, as long as I stay in California or Hawaii.
What I want more than anything else now is to start focusing on myself, to start listening for that mystical music of the waterfall that comes from intense self-reflection over long periods of time. I want to grow thin and honed, but not through objective ideation, but through fasting and making love. I want to become as taut as steel and as soft as a cotton cushion. It comes from living like a cat -- sleeping a lot, and then exercising and eating right. (continued heavy breathing) And avoiding stress.
It's not over with yet. I still have to write the letter and have a meeting with them. Let them know that this is the end of the line for me. That in itself will be stressful because they are quite existentially attached to getting the master's degree. It's what their whole lives have been about. And, I'm one of the smarter students, and they would like for me to get a Ph.D. some day, and you have to have a master's degree to do that. So I'd be limiting myself, and also severing myself from their dreams. But that's what I need to do.
Well, I'm going back. I'm going to buy a Macintosh at school. I can't go without a computer. It's like the artist -- a painter -- without his paint set, without his colors and his brushes. That's the way I feel right now without my word processor. I need it. My artistic medium. I need it.
(pause) Macintosh is a better company. They support education to the hilt. Very dynamic. And their products right now are very well priced. I can get what I want for under $2000 and that includes a printer. I can handle it.
I was just blown away today at how sexual I felt, and how much sexual energy there was in the air down there at U.H. This hot weather. There are so many choice bodies down there. I feel this growing urge to sleep with a younger woman. I want that young, taut flesh next to mine. I want so much to be inside of a young girl. A very healthy, beautiful girl, ten years younger than me.
I saw "In The Line Of Fire" last night. Here Clint Eastwood is playing a 50 or 55-year old character, and making it with a woman who's barely 30. Totally choice. I want to be in that position, too. It's so dynamic -- you have the man and his wisdom, and the woman and her youth. There is something right about it. I don't know. It's really wild. It stimulates me.
I ended up dropping out of the UH masters program as Hawaii's Department of Education offered no pay differential for the masters versus what I had already earned by this point, the "professional diploma." But twelve years later, upon relocating to California, I encountered pay scales that offered 5% or more to teachers with masters degrees. Seeing this lost potential income, after four years I enrolled in an online program at Walden University, and after considerable effort I earned the degree. None of my work at UH transferred as it had been completed more than seven years earlier. What I appreciated the most about Walden was my being able to write a series of papers that were based mostly on summaries of the research literature in several areas. I think it was described as my degree's "electronic portfolio." At UH, the requirement at the time was for me to conduct original research like a classroom scientist. It was the forcing of me to view my role as one of scientist, with a heavy emphasis on data collection and behavioral conditioning that I found intolerable. Quitting was the right thing to do, but not earning the degree at that time cost me $10,000 in additional tuition fees plus a thousand hours of unnecessary labor later on. My advice is that you obtain your masters degree if at all possible your first time through a program.
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