A Void In My Third Eye - Feeling Deceitful And Fraudulent In My Communications - An Erosion Of Authenticity

Feeling A Lack Of Connection And Meaning - I Am A Stranger In My World - A Void In My Third Eye - Feeling Deceitful And Fraudulent In My Communications - No Gut Level Relationship To Anything - An Erosion Of Authenticity - Brain Unable To Cohere

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - Additional Posts / Social Criticism - December 10, 2000


2000.12.10.  Sunday, 5:59 a.m. 

For the last few weeks I have had some strong, but unusual perceptions.  Actually, I would call them disturbing.  They have all had to do with my feeling a lack of connection, a lack of meaning.  At many times during the day I will feel like a stranger in my world.  I will look around me and my home and possessions will feel foreign to me.  I will listen to music and I will not be able to tell whether I like it or not.  I will talk with people and I will feel fake, as if I did not know who I was, or who they were, and that my communicating to them was somehow deceitful.

I sat in front of X (a friend, edit) yesterday at my house.  I felt a void in my third eye, I felt as if my mind could not function, as if I could not pull my nerves together to form a coherent thought.  The feeling of incoherence was palpable.  Normally, when I think I feel my whole brain operating in unison, effortlessly, comprehensively.  Yesterday, I felt my brain trying to pull together without success. Literally, the nerves of both hemispheres were trying to pull together.  I felt nerve impulses around the perimeter of my brain wrapping forward to bind together at the third eye point in my forehead, then going inward to my pituitary gland.  But instead of there feeling a sense of connection -- of two halves being made whole -- I felt nothing.  It was emptiness, like a void in the center of my mind.  The area under my forehead was blank, numb.  The two polarities could not bind and unite.  I was left feeling vacant.  When I looked at X, I could not focus on him.  When he gave me a few pages about a psychic experiment on remote viewing he wanted me to become a subject in, I could not concentrate upon or make sense of what he had written.  It was awful.  It was as if I could not absorb anything.  The words, the sentences, and especially the overall meaning of what I read made little or no impact on me.  I was like a car coasting down a hill with the engine off: I could not get into gear because my neural wiring had shut off.

As a result, I felt I did not connect with him. I told him that my currency is the gut feeling of authenticity I have when I deal with people. For the first time in my life I feel that is being eroded. I feel that I am not being real when I talk with people, that people can dismiss me now, whereas in the past my moral force, the power of my truth, was unquestionable.  If I lose that connection, I will not have any potency.  My gut connection with others has always been what motivates and sustains me.  Never before have I felt this connection undermined.  I will say, "Hello"  and smile, but I won't mean it. 






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