Self-Consciousness - Limited Separate Knot - Verbal Analysis - Mechanism - Orgasm - Kundalini

Self-Consciousness - Limited Separate Knot - Verbal Analysis - Mechanism - Orgasm - Kundalini - Absolute Union

Details the use of orgasm as a means to release tension in the brain in order to sleep. Describes orgasm's associated draining of vital fluids from the thymus gland and the thalamus area of the brain's center.

Describes the knot at the center of the brain as being the very function of limited self-consciousness: a contracted, unhappy, tense, separate, individuated, un-illuminated state.

Details a growing intensity of energy inside my head that I hope will result in a new threshold of spiritual development.

Describes the desperate -- and ultimately futile -- verbal analysis engaged by my self-consciousness in an attempt to hold this greater awareness in check. Describes my self-consciousness' attempts to ward off any intrusion of subtle energy into the brain's center. Describes how meditation and unifying reverie have become impossible on account of my self-consciousness' reactiveness to intrusive influxes of subtle energy.

Details the developmental importance of self-consciousness, in that a state of unified consciousness would be incapacitating to a child or any other immature biological organism.

Describes a sensation of profound vibrational relationship between the heart muscle, thymus gland, and the rest of the body.

Details an unprecedented sensation of energetic calm and desirelessness, like the quiet before a storm.

States that I have no need for further amplification of subtle energy; states that what I require is a deep shift in the orientation of my consciousness.

Reflects on how my spiritual path is fully grounded in a range of stable and rewarding professional and social relationships.

Discredit's Da Avabhasa's -- or Adi Da's -- claim of being born into a state of perfect enlightenment. Argues that Da Avabhasa's priviledged status is an insult to all spiritual seekers.

Describes an event of a collapsing of my consciousness into a singularity within the pancreas gland. Describes an irrigation of cerebrospinal fluid into the pancreas and an associated sensation of pleasurable cooling throughout the entire body.

Compares this pancreatic event with a similar but less powerful event of implosion of consciousness at the brain's center.

Defines all life processes -- childhood growth pangs, digestion, menstruation, pregnancy, and so forth -- as evidence of Shakti's presence in the human body. Argues that "spiritual" development, such as the kundalini process initiated by kundalini's awakening, is identical to these other, more common manifestations of life force. Argues that there is a consistent, logical, and necessary developmental hierarchy that includes all of these life processes.

Argues that a sense of wholeness -- a healthy physical, emotional, economic, social, intellectual, and political context -- provides the integrative foundation through which limited self-consciousness makes movement toward spiritual transcendence.

Argues that kundalini is an energetic mechanism by which every cell in the human body is aligned into a conscious communion with God.

Argues that kundalini is both an internal physiological and energetic mechanism native to the human body, and an external process by which our body and mind are acted upon or yoked to subtle, all-pervasive Spirit.

Argues that kundalini is a process to end all processes.

Argues that kundalini's end point, with respect to the biological organism, is the transfiguration of that organism -- the complete elevation of the material organism into conscious, divine light.

Argues that kundalini's end point is the cessation of life and death, the overcoming of all duality -- absolute union.

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms / Kundalini, Orgasm, Masturbation, And The Spiritual Function of Sexual Fluids / Tape Transcriptions - Tape #22 - October 31, 1994

1994.10.31. (tape #22, continued)

I'm on my way to work, driving along the H-1 freeway. Last night, by the grace of God, I finally got some sleep -- a solid four hours' worth. It was deep sleep. Unfortunately, I have to report that orgasming last night did help: It relaxed me enough to get some sleep. But this morning I have a dissipated feeling in the center of my brain: Energies have been depleted from the very center. Now I feel a void -- an energetic vacuum there. At this point it's easier for me to live with a vacuum than it is with a knot. I feel that I'm more inclined toward lust today. This spiritual energy circuit is in a bit of a backwards motion right now, with my craving release through my penis rather than through my heart.

This knot in the brain is the very function of limited self-consciousness. This knot is who you are. It is an extreme and tangible extension of what self-consciousness is. It is very obviously a contracted, unhappy, tense, separate, individuated, un-illuminated state. That's precisely what it is. You can feel it. You can feel that those descriptions are true. It is, in sum, a knot. My problem is that I have so much sperm up there, so much intellectual analysis going on, that the knot becomes obnoxiously apparent to me. It's like walking across a road and there's a pothole in your way. You can't help but notice it. Most people don't perceive its being a knot quite that strongly. But for me it is a very major and unmistakable perception.

My hope is that some kind of resolution to this contracted state is at hand. The longer I persist with this knot, the more that I will feel an internal pressure and tightness grow inside my head. I will find it increasingly hard to fall asleep. It will also become increasingly difficult to relax into this process and allow this energy -- kundalini, Shakti, whatever you want to call it -- to sweep me away.

Because of this growing intensity inside my head, I think that there's a better-than-average chance for some new development or attainment in this process to emerge during the next few days. Maybe this energy will finally reach critical mass and radiate throughout my head. I want to see it. I feel less resistance now.

But my mind is struggling pathetically to hold all of this at bay. For the last week or two my analytical skills -- this stream of analytical garbage spewing forth from my brain's center -- has been intense. Actually, I should say it has been desperately intense. This garbage -- like an insane, life-sucking frog -- has been leaping upon and dessicating everything that passes through my mind. Every emotion -- every symbolic message, every product of my imagination, every movement of my body-mind toward a more whole state, toward a state of transcendence -- is analyzed to death.

The whole thing is a process of contraction -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to contain this rising tide of spiritual awareness. It can be rather comic to watch my mind act like this: This limited state of self-consciousness is so obviously inferior and un-equal to the task. It's like a microscopic sea plankton vainly trying to halt the flow of the ocean's currents; it's like a raging alcoholic who, in a desperate appeal for guidance, reaches for yet another beer. It does not have the tools or the knowledge to move beyond its own limitations. It needs help. Spiritual help. A source of guidance that transcends and empowers it. It is going to lose this fight, and give in to God. But it sure the hell isn't going to do it gracefully or without reservations.

Grace: Self-consciousness has very little of it. Last night on my hike I was analyzing constantly. I felt locked in my brain. Any movement of my consciousness toward something more whole -- toward some deeper undercurrent of awareness -- was immediately halted and seized upon for analysis. Although words are certainly a primary means of this analysis, the sensation is one of an existential grip. That is, I feel a forceful grabbing onto something. This grip does not let anything move. It's a fixation that removes what's being considered from the flow of life. On the hike I fell into a reverie, where my mind began to move more freely -- free-associating various events in a very creative manner. I was picturing the produce manager at Down to Earth [a health food store in Honolulu], thinking of what a wonderful person he is and of how I love him. These thoughts were not so much directed by analysis as by my emotions and a deeper awareness. The very instant I felt an emotional, imaginative state of mind begin to take over -- the very second that a deepening began to open in my awareness -- my verbal-analytical function jumped in and manically pronounced, "Oh, good! This is helping me get away from the knot." But the statement itself created impediment, bringing a knotted self-consciousness back to center-stage.

Last night lots of things came up like that. There were lots of movements toward wholeness being pulled apart and back into a state of limitation. I hope I can move beyond this manic yo-yo-ing of my consciousness. I hope also that I will soon stop damaging my gross vehicle -- the masturbating and the over-eating behaviors are really getting old now, and are slowly destroying my body. Today I am just going to be breathing deeply, and focusing on my solar plexus. And with the help of this divine and gracious Lord, I will be able to successfully break through somehow, somewhere.

(pause) Last night -- just as I was falling asleep -- I had a profound sensation in my heart area. I was acutely aware of the throbbing rhythm of my heart -- feeling the vibrations radiate throughout my body. With each beat of my heart, I felt my whole body quiver -- like someone holding the top of a crystal chandelier and shaking the whole thing, causing all the hundreds of individual crystals to vibrate and sing. In particular I felt my thymus gland: I felt it distinctly on top of my heart. It was right on top of my heart! I felt my thymus pulsating and vibrating to the heart's rhythm. It was profoundly satisfying feeling of connection. I felt a deep connection between this gland and the heart. There is something particularly intimate about the relationship between these two organs. There is most definitely something profound going on there.

(pause) Like I said before, last night's orgasm depleted the glands in both my chest and my brain. There is definitely a circuit connecting them.

(pause) Another thing I was thinking about is that there is little reason for me to harness more energy right now. I don't need more of it, or even a deeper access to it. My energy level is irrelevant until I get over this problem of self-consciousness. I have more than enough energy to both have self-consciousness and break-through it. It's just a matter of submitting myself to Shakti. As a consequence, lately I haven't had the desire to massage myself. I haven't been preoccupied with inflating my energy and sensitivity level. I'm not fanning the flames. I've reached critical mass and I'm just coasting on this plateau. I'm there. My mind and body are already where they need to be. There just has to be a shift. Until that happens, all I have to do is maintain the momentum that I already have. The rest of my energy will be directed toward a deeper structure of relationship -- toward some kind of profound shift. It's all about attitude and orientation now. It's all about relaxing into this. I have done the work -- but now it's time to let go of that "I." I have a strange feeling throughout me. I don't have much of an urge to do anything -- and you know me, I thrive on urges. So this is a strange, unfamiliar feeling -- like the quiet before the storm. What I need is a transformation of consciousness -- not a greater reservoir of subtle energies. I have so much energy that I might as well be drowning in the stuff.

(later) I'm coming home from work now. Last night, as I was focusing my awareness in an attempt to break free from this knot, I felt a considerable amount of warmth -- and a tightness -- over my solar plexus. And my thymus -- I felt a lot of energy there, too. But the energy moving through these areas was not nearly sufficient to counterbalance the self-consciousness at my brain's center. The "I" stood firm. The dilemma is still there. Nevertheless, I guess I should be happy with where I'm at right now.

My life is going smoothly. This process is not ruffling my obligations. At work I was as balanced and charismatic as I've ever been. These problems that I'm having are on the level of consciousness only. They're not reflective of some external turmoil at school or of any interpersonal stress. The surface of my life is glassy smooth. This stuff is all deep and underneath the surface. Who I am is not breaking down. These are all birth pangs of a process that is embracing who I am now as its foundation. This transformation is merely adding more depth and complexity to my identity. But I can handle the more -- I'm solid, I'm ready. Who I am is very much grounded in a self that functions very well in this society. I'm not babbling to myself incoherently. I'm not drooling or soiling myself. I'm not deteriorating in any way. I'm successfully employed. My spiritual idealism has been successfully grounded in the educational bureaucracy of the 1990s. I thank God for the strength and the stability I've found. And I just pray that this balance and vitality continue without interruption.

From here onward it's going to be about the submission of my mind. It's going to be a constant preoccupation. The knot has to become untangled -- and the sooner the better. As long as the knot is there I will be more inclined to use masturbation and excessive food-intake as a means to mediate the problem. But what I need is to deal with the problem's root.

Again, I wish to underscore what I said this morning on my way to work: I don't have the desires to exercise or to massage myself. My manifold desires -- this desiring function -- has hit a strange calm, an unprecedented ebb. It's as if I have been sprinting along a plateau and have reached the edge of something that only a new mode of consciousness can take me across. I just don't want to max out and heighten my energy anymore. All I crave is a depth -- a profoundness -- that I can't achieve in the normal sense. It is not by doing that this thing can be had. It is only by allowing, receiving, opening, submitting. It feels very much that this dilemma of having to become something is going to be over with soon. All I have to do is submit. I have no doubt that whatever's going on is going to completely change my life. I feel that I'm going to reach a much more calm and deep sense of being. Take away this twenty-four-hours-per-day compulsion to become something, and what you're left with is profound peace and quietness. All of a sudden I won't be worried about becoming, because I'll just be. I have enough energy to accomplish this. I'm doing it right. I feel it. All I have to do is just relax now. That's what I need: absolute -- total -- relaxation.

(pause) I want to speak more about my energy level. Recently when I had some days off from work I had an unusual reaction to the freed time on my hands. It was interesting. I felt that taking the days off was, in a way, not worthwhile -- at least in terms of the spiritual work that I needed to accomplish. I did not feel the need to reflect that much. I did not feel the need to contemplate or to accrue energy. I could have just as easily been at work. I'm getting the feeling, increasingly, that I don't need to pull myself away from work in order to accomplish my goals. As I gather momentum, approaching this new level of awareness, my relationship to all aspects of my life is becoming more consistent and stable. All this inner work is going to be happening whether I'm at school changing diapers or at home in bed laying in meditation. Of course, I still have a lot of work to do regarding the dilemma of my central nervous system. Maybe it's not a lot of work, but rather that some major thing or event needs to happen. That event is just as -- or more -- important than the years of work leading up to it. My brain is ready to go any day now. It definitely has enough energy churning inside of it to initiate an eruption, an implosion, or some other drastic, life-changing event. But my solar plexus, chest, and throat feel like they still need some time to gather a similar momentum and intensity. I feel like these peripheral nervous system plexuses need several more months -- or maybe a few more years. I need more time to meditate on and within these areas. There has to be a greater flow of energy within and between these areas. For an enlightenment of the whole body to occur, I'd expect there to be as much energy to be generated down there as up in the brain. If not, then there'd be a serious imbalance. More energy needs to be flowing down into them. So, at least for a while, I don't think they're ready for enlightenment.

(later) I've been laying down. I felt the buzzing warmth rise up into my head. As soon as I felt the eager little tendrils of this energy start to penetrate my self-consciousness, my little reactive organ of self-consciousness immediately sliced them off. What I mean is that there is this little sphere in the center of my brain in which "I" -- my self-consciousness -- exists, and that the unusual radiance that was beginning to forcibly spill into it was treated as foreign, unwanted company. If you can picture little spires of light entering a room through partially opened heavy-black curtains, and then the curtains are slammed to a fully shut position, that is like what happened. I didn't see the light, but I certainly felt it. The room became briefly illuminated and then fell into darkness again. The method my self-consciousness employed to keep out the higher energy was intellectual analysis. I started to grasp onto and analyze everything going on inside me. I tried to take hold of this process and understand it from a purely intellectual level, making predictions, and so forth, like saying to myself, "This radiance is God-consciousness. If I let this go much farther, I'm going to become enlightened, right?" It would be better if the brain merely witnessed what was going on, analyzing intellectually only when necessary. But as far as the center of the brain is concerned, this reactive, analyzing, anal-retentiveness seems to be its very function. Given that this is so, it is not really clear to me what I need to do. I'll just continue to attempt to submit. But full submission will be no easy task. Maybe I need to meditate to draw it in. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to focus on an illuminated flower -- or some other mental abstraction -- again. But I might have to get into some meditation and do that. We'll see.

(later, hiking) Truly there is no peace or nourishment for my mind as long as I'm holding onto the form of consciousness that I've got. In the past I could feel a radiance cascade over me whenever I became deeply relaxed. It felt so nourishing, enriching, and full of peace. It was a waking dream state -- a state of higher and deeper awareness that lasted for ten or twenty minutes before my coming back to normal reality. But for all my life -- for the countless times I have fallen into this deep, unifying reverie -- my individual self-consciousness has never felt challenged or threatened: It just felt awash in a glowing, maternal warmth. But lately some serious cracks, or fault lines have formed in my self-consciousness. This warmth -- this unifying energy -- shines into and widens these cracks at every opportunity. Some new -- and more whole -- state is attempting to emerge out of -- or descend into -- this state of limited consciousness. Something is imminent -- in the most major way. This has been going on for about two weeks. Since about the middle of October there have been some serious cracks in my current mode of awareness. I become acutely aware of these cracks whenever I assume the receptive posture -- the position of laying down on my bed with my feet up on the wall -- by which blood and energy concentrate in my brain. Somehow this posture intensifies the sensation of buzzing, massaging currents of radiation entering my head. But now, instead of providing just a comforting warmth and depth to my being, these same energies are attempting, playfully, to transform me; now they are attempting to penetrate my very individual identity. So for two weeks now I have been unable to meditate fully. I get to a point of relaxedness, and then I have to stop because sustaining the depth and relaxation jeopardizes my current state of awareness. So I feel really spent. I'm not sure if the description I'm searching for is that I'm unhappy -- but I definitely feel out of touch. My mind -- what once was a fertile oasis -- now feels like a desert. I cannot water it or meditate with it anymore. My mind has become a dry, cracked, salt flat with tumbleweeds tossing about. But my mind should be like a tropical rainforest. Being dry and frustrated is not its natural state. I can't stand not being able to enter that absorbed state. In the past I have always come out of this reclined, meditative state feeling haggard and spent if the state of absorption was not achieved or was interrupted. To become calm and then not feel that oceanic absorption is exactly like reaching the point of sexual climax and then having all your senses completely cut off. It is spiritual blue balls: the frustration of an innate drive toward freedom and spiritual union. I don't feel the freedom in my head anymore; instead there is every kind of restriction. Very early on now -- within seconds of the strong, audible buzzing sensation -- the glands within the center of my brain are exposed to this force and react by shutting it out. To yield is going to take a monumental effort. Or maybe the level of effort required will be the antithesis of monumental -- perhaps something like miniscule or non- is required. It will have to be an effortless, unshakable submission -- and just hold on to that state for the entire wild ride, letting the energy flow and flow up into me. I've got to work on that state of submission. But I don't want this desertification of my mind to adversely affect the flow of this energy. I don't want it to limit the number of instances in which I have an opportunity to deal with this. What I mean is that I don't want this period of resistance to make this process less active. If there's a massive slowdown, or if everything comes to a grinding halt -- that will not be good.

(pause) Like I said before, I think it would be great if once my brain is done with, this process will continue to enrich that area, and little by little I'll be able to direct it downward into the rest of my endocrine system. I think that would be a healthy outcome of all this. In the meantime...(sigh).

You know the myth of Scylla and Caribdis -- two mean, giant rocks in ancient Greece? In order to reach a certain bay, boats had to sail between these two rocks that crashed together every few seconds. Most boats never had the speed to make it -- so it was considered a cursed, impassable strait. But it protected a place of great beauty. These mythological rocks are like the analyzing function of the self-conscious mind. The center of my brain -- this analyzing function -- is an extraordinary, psychological Scylla and Caribdis. No cosmic awareness -- no spiritual radiation -- is allowed to penetrate its incessant, verbal clacking. Or at least, not easily. Even with great effort the feat is still monumental. This organ of self-consciousness is an analyzing, desiccating, and desertifying thing. It's like an embalming process for all sensory input. Of course, it has its developmental role -- as a survival mechanism to negotiate this illusion of separateness -- but at this point in my development it's a thing that stands in my way, a thing that I need to get beyond.

I have no doubt self-consciousness has been useful to me. You don't want to be operating at some basic level of consciousness -- just processing basic survival inputs -- all the while being inundated with a consciousness of divine wholeness. It would be overwhelming; it would contradict your survival-needs. A consciousness of universal wholeness and seamlessness can only be grounded in a very complex and strong self-identity. Any lesser mode of self would be -- literally -- fried. But who knows? -- Maybe people will be born this way someday -- already enlightened. Da Avabhasa says he was born enlightened. There are reports of children with all kinds of extra-sensory perceptions. Some books document how children lose some of these special sensitivities as a result of having to adapt to an adult-world that does not validate them: A free-flowing Oneness and Joy gives way to the socially accepted old standbys of Separation and Pain. There would be no need to work at God-consciousness if we were born into such a state. There may be some truth to a future where it is normal for a child to be born like that. I am open to it. One has to be. Who can tell where evolution is leading us?

But I am still disposed toward the evolution of consciousness that most of the greats have gone through: birth, childhood, adolescence, an early adulthood where a spiritual fire is begun, a mature adulthood where spiritual transcendence takes place, middle adulthood, and late adulthood where total spiritual liberation occurs -- either through conscious liberation at death, or the overcoming of physical death itself through spiritual transfiguration. A sequence of distinct physical stages of consciousness for individuals to pass through makes the most sense to me. A child is not ready for the awesome power of kundalini to be burning inside of him or her. A child should feel incredibly whole in a physical and emotional sense, but that wholeness is more magical and enmeshed with the world: It does not fully grapple with the problem of individuatedness. Kundalini -- the process of spiritual transformation -- only comes into play when the isolated self-consciousness recognizes its sad limitations and a heartfelt desire for more ensues. The active desiring for a state of consciousness that goes beyond all the previous structures that have led to the development of a mature person is the desiring of a mature person -- mature in a sexual, physical, intellectual, and emotional sense. A child cannot crave God like that: All a child can truly desire is a sense of emotional and physical security that comes from a profound, intact emotional connection to his/her mother (and father). One's mother is identical to God early on in a person's life. A child's consciousness is not complex enough to differentiate a spiritual, subtle reality from a physical, social one.

All in all I do not buy Da Avabhasa's claim of being born into perfection. Being God-conscious at age six is likely going to be more trouble than its worth. A developing child has enough to worry about without probing the subtle reality underlying everything. There is already a magical, emotional, intoxicating oneness at that age -- if your parents and their world have done their job in providing for you. You don't need anything more at that stage. At most I would say there are some brief intuitions and flickering awarenesses of a larger, more subtle reality early on in a child's life that are the seeds to a fully developed spiritual consciousness later on in one's life. These early experiences just help to sharpen your intuition of where to go as your life becomes more burdensome and complicated later on. A dim, perhaps subconscious memory of light and joy from childhood could lead you to undertake a serious effort toward spiritual liberation twenty years hence. But that is all the credence I am willing to give these childhood experiences. They are brief displays of latent potentials within the human body, and are intended to provide reference points by which to gauge the development of a more mature consciousness later on in one's life.

An additional problem with Da Avabhasa's accounting of himself is the desire of his followers to make him different and better than everyone else. By making his childhood appear completely perfect and enlightened, they detach his story from that of everyone else's. In so doing they create a special category for this man -- and this man only. I'm not into that. It's a deception that really wears on me. His followers create an understanding of spiritual development by which all of us become disempowered. If he was simply born the way he is, and if my goal is to become just like him on a level of consciousness, then surely I will be eternally frustrated because I was born at a severe disadvantage. The fact that I have to work at all means that I am not his equal. No one can be Da Avabhasa's equal because he was born perfect -- a privilege to which none of the rest of us are privy. This, of course, is a tired rehashing of the age-old problem of prophets and the religions that they spawn. Nine times out of ten, according to the creation myths surrounding them, prophets are always perfect, and their followers can never fill their shoes. Spiritually speaking, this philosophy cuts us all off at the knees. I never wanted a teacher who didn't think that -- with some effort on my part -- I could be even better and more skilled than he. So, Da Avabhasa's perfectly enlightened childhood is just a particularly gross example of inflated hagiography. The story of his birth serves as the death knell for the Free Daist Communion; it's the rotten core of a religion with many otherwise important and sound insights. No other religious prophet has spoken so accurately about the spiritual transformation of the human body. But Da Avabhasa's false and galling privileged status will turn many authentic seekers away. I would wager a year's salary that this will be the reason why in a few generations his movement will fall to pieces due to political infighting and squabbles over lineage and spiritual authority. Spiritual leaders have to remember that it is not about them, the prophets -- but rather, about you, the aspirants.

Anyway, what I'm going to try to do -- unfortunately not having had a spiritually conscious childhood myself -- is just to continue with the path that I am on and to do the best that I can to maintain faith in myself. But spiritual confidence is not always easily had. What I mean is that I need to continue to have faith both in my sanity and in the groundedness of my life. As the ante here continues to mount -- as I continue to hold onto these vital fluids and live in a meditative manner -- I am certain that this knot in my head will grow in intensity. I imagine it will be just as -- or more -- vigorous an obstruction to my progress as it was before. I'll do my best not to dissipate myself -- and resist giving in to masturbatory profligacy. If I hold to this path, something will have to give: A change -- a new mode of being -- will have to emerge. But I don't want to go -- or forcibly blossom -- in a mode of resistance. I don't want to go while my consciousness is in a state of kicking and screaming and clawing at the doorframe as it resists being pulled from its house. There's no art, no honor, and no subtlety in that. I've got to do it with flair and purpose. I've got to comport myself in a manner that is equal to this task. I don't want to be someone that this process has to drag along unwillingly. I want to be leading it once in a while -- or at least walk shoulder to shoulder with it. If nothing else, I want to have the faith and the power to stop resisting when it is crunch time for my old mode of consciousness. I just want to submit completely and get it over with. I had an opportunity to do it this afternoon as I lay in bed, but the dramatic intellectualizations of my self-consciousness got in the way -- again. I don't need that drama anymore than I need car exhaust or incessantly clacking coworkers. I don't need it. It keeps me up at night, gives me headaches, makes me breathe shallowly, inclines me to be self-destructive, and so forth. I'd much rather be engaging my energies productively. It would be enormously intelligent of me to be done with this already -- to just be done with this pathetic and likely short-lived resistance to growth that my self-consciousness is waging. I'm going to continue to focus deeper down in my endocrine system. But my feeling so far is that that's not what's going to help me here. I have to submit to this ascending current. The energy going into my pancreas is very weak by comparison. I don't think I will have the time to wait for that area to become strong enough to attract and to ground this ascending force.

I remember the one unique opportunity I had when my consciousness nearly imploded within my pancreas. That was an incredible experience. It felt as if the pent-up reservoirs of fluid -- the contents of the center of my brain and my thymus gland -- were draining down into my pancreas. Fluid drained down through a palpable channel into that mother lode gland of the endocrine system. I felt that my consciousness was contained in this fluid substance, and that it was flowing down into -- and consolidating itself -- within this enormous gland. It felt like every aspect of my consciousness was collapsing into -- or imploding within -- the interior of that organ. The experience was literally one of my consciousness being contained within this cerebrospinal fluid that was flowing down into and filling my pancreas. Simultaneous with this implosion of consciousness was the sensation of expansion -- terrific expansion. I intuitively knew that a burst of energy or light would come forth from this gland -- that this gland, were the sensation to continue, would become the epicenter for a whole new mode of consciousness. My self-consciousness would have been utterly transcended in this event.

Earlier events that were centered in my brain were merely about my self-consciousness collapsing into a singularity, leaving the rest of my body and consciousness untouched. "I" was not really touched -- just the limitations of a particular (and small) portion of my consciousness were collapsing into nothingness. However, this event in my pancreas was remarkably different in both quality and intensity. It felt like my entire being was collapsing in a single event -- my heart, my mind, and all awareness were converging upon a single point. So it was far different, and felt much more healthful and comprehensive. It was an event intended to rid me of all dilemma in my heart and brain.

Another marvelous aspect of the event was a remarkable cooling sensation throughout my body that coincided with the downward flow and consolidation of this subtle energy. I loved the feeling. My whole body felt an extraordinary cooling off. I've been running very hot and very bothered for too many years now. And this event was an answer, a remedy, for that excessive heat. I need this balancing. I'd much rather be too cool than too hot. I look very forward to more of this cooling, descending, grounding, pancreatic focus. That event came after a whole week of my breathing deeply at school. My breathing was more deep and consciously diaphragmatic than any breathing I've done since the original kundalini event in 1985. I remember every lunch break earlier that week laying on my back, consciously focusing on the pleasurable, rhythmic rise and fall of my abdomen. I felt so tremendously alive. I felt an energy and some kind of potential gathering in me. And then, that weekend, this amazing event. I was just laying down on my bed, not intellectually absorbed in any abstract considerations. I was simply enjoying laying on my bed, just sensuously aware of being where I was. Then all of this energy and fluid flows into my pancreas. I guess a little love and perseverance goes a long way. This was a balancing and grounding event. And it came after a week of unconsciously preparing myself for it.

I was trying to decide whether this buzzing and rising energy sensation is, in fact, Shakti. Whether or not it is is probably more of a philosophical distinction than anything else. Depending on one's perspective, it both is, and is not, Shakti. If you're God, if you're the Big Everything, then everything is God: rocks are God, fish are God, the intergalactic vacuum is God, and every sensation the body may experience is God. From God's perspective, it's all God. But to me -- The-Mighty-But-Limited-One -- the sensations appear to be the effects of changes in my body as it adapts to a higher level of consciousness. So, according to my limited perspective, the sensations are the effects of Shakti as it wriggles and vibrates throughout my body. These Shakti sensations are the effects of spiritual adaptation in this particular, finite, limited, life form called the human body. I suppose for simplicity's sake I could call it all Shakti, rather than specifically the effects of Shakti, but it is all no less Shakti-like than the growth pangs and other developmental phenomenon I experienced earlier in my life -- like the growing pains in my joints when I was in elementary school. All life processes, whether it be digestion, menstruation, or anything else, are the result of Shakti's presence and movement within the body. People may wish to separate the phenomenon I am experiencing, labeling them particularly spiritual in nature and therefore qualitatively different from other growth and general life processes, but that would be in error. Sure, there are some novel insights and perceptions with these further reaches of human growth, but it is still the same old life force acting through the human body. People may say that in order for something to be labeled "spiritual" that it must move someone beyond the limitations of self-consciousness. But I find this definition limiting: Such labeling does not respect the ground and foundation of this movement of energy.

Wholeness and well-being -- economic, emotional, physical, intellectual, and sexual -- provide the necessary foundation for a healthy, spiritually-oriented individual self-consciousness: The satisfaction of basic needs precedes spiritual transformation. Without this foundation, there can be no sustained movement of the individual consciousness toward embracing the unlimited spiritual reality that pervades it. So emotional and physical health, while not specifically "spiritual," does indeed provide the foundation for self-transcendence. Like the compounding interest of deposits in a bank account, general wellness develops an increasingly powerful latent spiritual potential in the human body.*

Of course, if you want nothing more than to feel physically good and materially satisfied, then God won't give you any of the luscious feasts that I've discovered: You have to go out of your way to spark this kind of development. As a latent potential, it is always right next to you -- inside you, rather; but you have to allocate a lot of attention to it for it to unfold like it has with me.

In sum, I would agree with the notion that "spiritual" refers to processes that effect a transcendence of limited self-consciousness. But at the same time -- lest we become superficial in our concept of what is required for a truly spiritual society -- we must remember all of the basic needs that must be met in order for the individual human being to feel safe, happy, and generally fulfilled. If we shortchange the fundamental requirements, we will never create the conditions by which people will be empowered to engage all the processes that God has made available to us. More simply, without a good paycheck and a free and safe and clean world in which to live, self-realization will never be more than an occasional and inconveniencing fluke of human development.

What I feel with this rising energy is a polite beckoning for me to get on with this process. Typically, it urges me on at one moment, hears my "No" for an answer, retreats, and then courts me again in the same manner a few hours later. Another way to describe it is as a delicate, conscious, higher current of energy inhabiting the same basic nervous system structure that I've had since birth. It's an incredibly sensitive, inquisitive, and persistent energy. It's like God in the form of a playful, restless kitten. It's Shakti at its most palpable level. As yet I do not feel that I am entirely equal to the task. I have a lot of work to do, a lot of preparations to make to fully accept this powerful force.

The intensity inside me grows whenever I intentionally inflate myself emotionally and intellectually -- whenever I try to feel this greater presence. At night, if I concentrate too much on my connection to this presence, I have great difficulty falling asleep. The excessive concentration over-stimulates and exhausts me. This process is about adaptation. If you're really asking for Her -- or It -- you'll often get more than you asked for. She knows little restraint; she wants all juice and acceleration. If you're to survive, you have to know how to apply the brakes: You have to for survival. If you foster an intense, devotional state in your mind and heart and body, you will have what you need to both court and survive union with Her. Even as I'm hiking right now, all this thought about Her is getting me worked up. I feel Her in me -- that buzzing -- that warmth -- that peace and pleasure. I feel it rising and intensifying. It's an unqualified joy that grows stronger with time. It's a dialectical process of acclimation to spirit. Presently it appears to be something more than me, or something other than me; but I'm confident that such perceived "otherness" is just a function of my being on the youthful, immature side of a lifelong adaptation to this energy. As I grow older and more mature, I am sure that the perceived differences between "me" and "It" will become less pronounced. But before that time, my mind and body have a lot of changes to go through in order to sustain that sense of unity.

It is interesting how confident I feel, though. I have no fear in me about this process. The energy is powerful, but I feel equal to it and ready for it. I am totally confident that as my self-consciousness dissolves -- is transcended -- that the insights I will have will not be overwhelming. I know I can handle it. I feel no burning -- nothing threatening -- about this intense presence inside me. There's no burning. There's nothing fearful about it. It feels almost cool. It's just a balanced, pleasurable intensity that is ready for the next step. It's a beautiful, cool internal radiance. It is difficult to describe the sensation of a healing, cooling fire. But that's what this is. It's like a volcanic fire deep below the ocean's surface -- silent, unseen, powerful. What I feel inside me is definitely not heat. It's a cooling brilliance. There have been a few times where this energy leapt up through my central nervous system like a shot cannonball. They were like unrestrained eruptions. At those times it was scary. But I had asked for it. I had been emotionally and intellectually indulgent, and got seared for it. But even then it was responsive. When I brought all of my attention to bear on calming it down, it did calm down, though the calming was slow to take effect.

For the past several years, ever since the kundalini event in college, I have been analyzing and analyzing and analyzing. I have perceived and given voice to literally billions of intellectual dilemmas. But the single greatest dilemma of all is that of self-consciousness itself. Self-consciousness is the mother of all dilemmas. It is the source from which all other dilemmas spring. Which is not to say that, having transcended self-consciousness, I will no longer have anything to criticize or intellectually tear apart. Far from it: There will always be countless problems in need of resolution and deep critical thought. But the context will be different. All this time that I've tried to sail, I've been nothing but a boat in dry dock. But with Shakti as my conscious ground, it will be like giving me an entire ocean to sail upon. There will be no comparison in terms of sensuousness: It will be like the difference between being out in the ocean and being in dry dock. Not only will I finally be able to get somewhere, I will be surrounded and suffused by a healing, palpable, conscious presence.

(later; walking along the street at the end of the hike; dog barking) The thought occurred to me that if it is true that there are cracks in the protective sheath surrounding my self-consciousness -- thereby allowing higher energies to filter into it -- that those cracks will widen -- get bigger -- over time, allowing these energies to penetrate my self-consciousness more and more easily. I think that will likely be the case. But rather than fostering the transcendence of my self-consciousness, perhaps my defenses will grow at the same pace, with the knot at the center of my head growing more tight and even less hospitable to subtle energy. I hope, though, that transcendence will be made more accessible to me. I had an intuition on my hike tonight that if I could just focus on being here right now -- focusing on a whole-body, non-dilemma oriented consciousness -- that somehow the process could occur spontaneously, without drama. That's always what I've hoped for: For the transition -- or whatever you want to call it -- to occur, basically, in broad daylight, in normal circumstances, and not in some sort of freaked-out, death-oriented way.

*Comment from 8/1/2001 while editing this transcription:

Everything is God. But not everything is aware of God. The purpose of kundalini's awakening in the body is to make the body increasingly conscious of the divinity that suffuses, pervades, and creates our world. A certain level of health, insight, yearning, discipline, and emotional intensity is required to activate kundalini. Kundalini is the energetic mechanism that aligns every cell in the body into a conscious communion with God. Kundalini is both an internal physiological and energetic mechanism native to the human body, and an external process by which our body and mind are acted upon or yoked to subtle, all-pervasive Spirit. Kundalini is a process to end all processes. The end point for kundalini, with respect to the biological organism, is the transfiguration of that organism, the complete elevation of the material organism to conscious, divine, light. Kundalini's end point is the cessation of life and death, absolute union.

There is life force present in all life forms, whether enlightened or not. It is this life force that drives growth, digestion, reproductive processes, and so forth. Kundalini is similar to our basic life force in that it is natural and spontaneous. But I would have to disagree with what I wrote earlier. The kundalini process is qualitatively different in that it differs in terms of potency, making use of energy ten times greater than normal life processes. It's also different in that the focus of the kundalini process is the structure of consciousness itself, the evolutionary adaptation of self-consciousness to seamless, perfect universal consciousness.

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