Breathing - Buzzing - Ringing Ears - Intense Energy - Kundalini Energy - Heat Pressure - Hike Euphoria - Change Consciousness
A journal entry detailing how in a euphoric post-hike state I sat for several minutes paying attention to my breathing, watching the rhythmic rise and fall of my stomach and chest.
Describes feeling a building energetic intensity associated with heat and pressure at the back of my head, a ringing in my ears, and a delightful buzzing sensation throughout my body.
Reflects on a variety of transfer options available to me as a school teacher, but decides that changing positions right now would present a distraction to my spiritual progress.
States that what I need, more than anything else, is a change in consciousness.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms / Tape Transcriptions - Tape #22 - November 4, 1994
*1994.11.4. Friday. (tape #22, continued)
(sounds of vehicle traffic, driving to work) Last night after my hike I just sat on my couch for a while, not even removing my boots. I had taken off my shirt hours earlier, and all I had on were my green, mildewed nylon hiking shorts.
I was very relaxed, slouched against the back cushions with my chin resting on my chest. My butt had slid forward till my coccyx caught on the edge of the couch. My legs felt like noodles, with my knees splayed sensuously wide. My feet were flat on the floor, but turned outward. I was luxuriating in a hot, sweaty, mud-splattered, post-hike euphoria. I was high, with not a care on my mind. With my chin on my chest, I was just watching my stomach rise and fall as I breathed. I was entranced by it. My stomach moved; my head moved; my whole body moved rhythmically with my breathing. I sat there, fixated on my being. I felt a great ringing in my ears and buzzing throughout my body.
The longer I sat there, the more intense the feeling became. I felt great. I felt as if there was enough flow to have a transformation of consciousness on the spot without even closing my eyes. There was so much energy there, so much communion; and it wasn't just my mind: it was my skin and my cells -- it was everything in my body that has life, everything that replicates itself. I felt a lot of heat and pressure in the back of my head. It felt like there was a blockage there; or maybe the kundalini energy was purposefully waiting there until a chance opened up to get through to my mind. I sat there, planted, for about five or ten minutes. I could have stayed, getting more and more intense about it, but I felt that I was clinging to it -- that I was trying too hard. Plus, it was 9:15 p.m. and time to go to bed.
I'm just hopeful that if I can nurture and carry forward with that feeling, that maybe something will happen to me that would, perhaps, stem from my solar plexus -- an experience that would bring down and transform my mind as well. My self-consciousness needs a lower center of gravity. But I want to be spared any dilemma or drama. I don't want anything like that; I want something very natural -- something that takes place in the here and now.
(pause, still driving) I have an opportunity to transfer from my school. But there aren't any SMR [severely mentally retarded] or SMH [severely multiply handicapped] positions open at schools that I would consider. There are a few decent positions, but they're not SMH. I want to stick with SMH. The kids don't drain me as much. As long as I can work it out with my staff -- as far as giving me my time that I need for my own personal and spiritual replenishment -- I will be okay where I am. But there are a handful of options, were I to decide to leave X . I could transfer to Manoa Elementary, and teach LD [mild learning disabilities]. I can see Manoa Elementary from my house: It's just a two-minute commute, and has clean air.
But a new job site would present too many new and distracting variables: new curriculum; new students; new staff. It is better to dig in deep where I am already.
I don't want a change in my job site right now.
I want a change in my consciousness.
Comment December 14, 2013
In terms of special education populations, it remains my experience that lower functioning students (kids with autism and kids with moderate to severe cognitive delays) remain the most satisfying to work with emotionally and energetically. I would add to that list preschoolers, who I taught for 9 of my 24 years in this field. It's due to their state of innocence, dependency, and general lack of awareness of the troubles of this world. The higher functioning special education students (presently termed SLD for "specific learning disability") are all too aware of their educational deficits (and bureaucratic label), and compensate for these by acting cool, arrogant, tough, distant, what-have-you, which are all defensive mechanisms to cover for their low self esteem and academic delays. While my students' needs might be tiresome at times, my whole being is strengthened by the relationship. On the other hand, when working with the more intelligent -- but still cognitively delayed -- SLD population, and when hit by their attitudes that include ignoring, disrespecting, and outright hostile behavior toward the teacher, I am not merely tired but severely weakened in the interaction. I feel life force bleed out from my solar plexus when confronted by all the pain and anger of this group. I've actually come down with the flu just hours after working with such a group of dispiriting boys.
I can still see myself on that couch in 1994, nearly nude, just breathing, higher than a kite. For this process to be satisfactorily contained in the physical form, that high flying state of mind and body is essential to maintain. Nowadays my bodymind is just an embers compared to that. I cannot tolerate 1/10th the energetic flow of that vital, but still pre-grounded Kundalini force. I still seek out hiking in natural areas, but I am unable to support and maintain any large subtle energy flow through my being. Doing so makes electromagnetic disturbances in my environment unbearable to me, with my breathing, thinking, and even my heart rhythm all negatively impacted. My feet burn, and I have difficulty calming my mind so that I can sleep. So I remain in this netherland of maintaining poor posture and shallow breathing, with heavy meals of dead food, and long spells of vacant, uninspired reverie to keep my bodymind in as neutral an attitude as possible. Anything that elevates or inspires me brings me into greater contact with these hostile, manmade forces that are unfortunately amplified by endocrine secretions of my heart muscle.
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