Coworker - Talking Too Much - Nervous Tension - Indoor Pool - Final Episode Of Death - Relaxing To A Prior Condition - Effortless - Spiritual State
Describes a coworker who has a habit of talking too much. Describes her emotional state as one characterized by tremendous nervous tension.
Describes my class's trip to an indoor pool where I experienced a feeling of intense radiation in my heart muscle.
Describes the upward movement of kundalini as a feeling of radiation entering my head.
Describes my spiritual state as one of being on the edge of a new form of awareness.
States that I have more than sufficient subtle energy to make this transformation. Argues that what I lack is concrete information that sheds light on this final episode of "death" of my self-consciousness.
Argues that the transformation into the state of whole body enlightenment is an event that should be effortless, as if relaxing to a prior condition.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms / Tape Transcriptions - Tape #22 / Work - November 1, 1994
1994.11.1. (tape #22, continued)
(hiking, heavy breathing.) What can I say? I really felt exhausted today. Ms. X was talking so much; I felt nervous tension emanating from her. She's so un-comfortable and un-reflective. She's addicted to the most superficial, external, and ridiculous things. Even during our lunch break -- when we're supposed to be relaxing -- her legs continuously jittered about as she sat; she constantly scanned the room, desperately looking for someone to talk to; or, failing that, finding some trifle to comment upon and directing her words to the room's empty center whereby the other five people would be compelled to listen, irritated and passive.
Our class went to the indoor pool today. It was tiring having to undress/dress, diaper, and provide therapy for so many kids. All the lifting and transfering in the hot, chlorine-filled air had me soaked with perspiration. But it's good work. At one point I felt a lot of radiation in my heart. I don't know whether it was light I couldn't see or subtle essences (secretions) flowing into the region. It was intense and it took more effort to concentrate on my work. These processes go on, unconsciously, irrespective of time or place, until some point at which they become conscious.
I was lying down this afternoon on my bed with my feet up, and I felt the radiation rising in me. I felt it starting to go into my brain. We need more information about this process. I know a lot about how to generate energy inside me -- my whole life has been about that. But what I need is more information about how to facilitate this final episode of death. This energy is filling my head. I've got the juices there. They're ready to go. I've got the radiation coming up. The dilemma is how to put the two together. Lying there, I was trying to just relax, but that wasn't working; so I decided to concentrate on Wendell's face, a boy I have in my class. As I did this I felt the energy grow stronger, and my consciousness becoming almost a point. But then I backed off. You know why? I felt too much strain. What I mean is that I was knotting my mind too hard; it didn't feel right. I had become this little pinpoint of a knot. My feeling is that the cu de grace -- the milestone of self-transcendence -- ought to be achieved effortlessly. So, I pulled back. Maybe I would have been filled with light. But it chanced the risk of creating too much tension, and I didn't want to do that. What I want is to relax to a prior condition.
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