An Unprecedented Energy Movement At The Crown Of My Head - Just More Kundalini House Cleaning - The Ajna Chakra - Meditating On An Effulgent Tulip That Causes A Tightening In My Hamstrings, Buttocks, And Lower Back As Energy Gathers For A Burst Upwards - Light Is The Trigger - A Whole Body Pranic Battering Ram To Enlighten The Central Nervous System
Life Is A Meditation - An Extraordinary Will Power And Ability To Concentrate My Attention - Fear Of A Growing Impulse To Sever My Social And Occupational Ties - An Unprecedented Energy Movement At The Crown Of My Head - Just More Kundalini House Cleaning - The Ajna Chakra - Meditating On An Effulgent Tulip That Causes A Tightening In My Hamstrings, Buttocks, And Lower Back As Energy Gathers For A Burst Upwards - Light Is The Trigger - A Whole Body Pranic Battering Ram To Enlighten The Central Nervous System - An Extraordinary Brain-Buns Connection - Breathing Deeply With A Long, Slow Exhalation - General Fungal Problem - Need To Allow 4 Hours Between Meals To Eliminate Bloating And Gas - I Want To Lose 20 Pounds - Does Fungus Promote Spiritual Awareness? - Dislike Health Remedies Beyond Diet And Lifestyle - Avoiding Dependency On Health Care Practicioners - May You Be Your Own Doctor - Let God Be Your Doctor - It's Better To Live 80 Years Knowing Where You're Going Than 120 In Fractured Consciousness - How I Want To Critique 500 Books With A Single Book Of My Own - My Masters Degree Program Is Antithetical To This Drive Toward Unity - My Brother Arrives From New York City Tonight - An Excerpt From "Cosmos In Man" At PranicHealing.net - An Awakening You Are Unprepared For Will Shorten Your Life - The Downside Of Forced Openings - The Mechanical, Coercive Practice That Is Hatha Yoga - An Aspirant's Focus Must Be Upon Spirit And The General Empowerment Of Society - Lots Of Unusual Tingling And Pain At The Crown - Fear Is One Of The Most Counterproductive Feelings
Tape Transcriptions - Tape #14 - August 1-4, 1994
1994.8.1. (Tape #14, end)
(hiking, windy) I was thinking this morning -- let's see, what's today? August 1st -- proudly about how passionate I am, and how passionate I've always been. I mean, I'm insane about air, traffic, cars, clothing, food, produce, water, exercise, ideas, meditation, people, interactions, language, love, honesty. I mean, there is not one thing that my life is involved with that I don't obsess about. I mean, every aspect, I think, of this life of mine, is something that I'm very attached to and worked up about. I think it's this level of passion that has my whole body in motion about it; and my ability to attend -- like at a lecture -- if it's something that interests me, I mean, I absorb every drop of it like nobody can, or like very few people can. Like at Cal, I was the best note taker I knew. I absorbed drop-for-drop every word that came out of a professor's mouth. I think it's this ability to really attend to my environment -- and to my being -- that makes my meditation so powerful. I really feel that sometimes. (laughter) I have such -- I guess you could call it -- will -- I don't know if that's the right word for it -- but in a way, I have such will that I can bring so much concentration upon meditation, or any kind of manipulation in my mind. (sigh) It was just a little bit scary for me today. I was pretty depressed this afternoon. I don't want to become really manic-depressive. I think the heights of my emotions will grow as my intuition of spirit grows. It will grow until it's a roar; until I'm fucking at the edge and I just have to fucking somehow commit, commit to transforming my consciousness. I just have so many fears and reservations about it. Probably the largest is my fear that I won't be able to maintain this life course I'm on because it entails so much, umm, self-mutilation. It requires so much compromise it's unbelievable. Anyways, so there. One of my fears is that if I delay this, and I deny it in a way, and the intuition grows that I'm not dealing with it honestly and rightly or as spirit wants me to, I'm afraid I'm going to develop increasingly dysfunctional, nonproductive behaviors that really start to alienate me from my job and everything. So, whether I realize spirit or not, consciously, there's a chance that just my growing awareness will lead me to sever my ties.
(pause, later, still hiking) About a month ago, or whenever it was, a few weeks ago when I was doing the meditation; ever since those two nights, when it was so strong, I've had all these little shooting sensations, moving sensations in my brain, up around the crown of my head, I think right where the baby soft spot was -- right up in there and all sorts of places it never was before. I mean, I've had a lot more energy in my brain. My pineal gland, or ajna chakra is still not open, but changes are going on upstairs. It's quite amazing. It's very interesting to feel it in different places. I'm kind of pleased because, you know, (birds chirping) I'm just hoping that it's doing more housecleaning for me.
(hiking? driving? sitting up in Pauoa Flats?) Dude, I have a lot to talk about today. It's August 2nd, Tuesday! I'm in the middle of these fantastic trees in Pauoa Flats. I sat down, and I was trying to picture... It's really hard to picture something in your head. The thing is, instead of just focusing on your breath, your consciousness, although it is drawing inward, your consciousness is still kind of body centered, and it's down in your lungs and in your body, wherever the breathing is going on; and focusing on a mental picture is far more powerful in terms of opening up the ajna chakra. Because that's what it's all about: It's light, you know, you're inducing the inner light through that visual image. It's extremely important. Anyways, I'm picturing, I tried something different -- a tulip! It was a flower with a stem going upwards. I'm not looking into the flower, so I don't have to worry about the petals or the stamen. It's a side view. What I'm looking at was a stem and a flower -- I don't know where it was, maybe a garden or something -- and then light coming out of that, kind of cascading over it. Very powerful. And what I was feeling was a tightening in my hamstrings and my ass and my back -- a little bit in my back -- and it's exactly the feeling I got those few times -- a number of times -- like that time I was meditating and I was drawing it upwards, upwards, upwards and it was in my brain, in my brain, in my brain. There's been a couple of time where I just sort of relaxed, and I meditated just a little bit, and instead of the energy -- consciousness -- being right there in my brain -- although it was -- I had this feeling of a big wallop, like some kicking ass, like energy was being drawn up from all over my body and thrown into my brain. And what's so interesting, it gets your thighs, your ass -- I mean your buttocks -- you know, wherever these nerve tendrils are, these pranic nerve fibers. It's the strangest feeling, you know, to feel this surge coming from them up into the brain. It's a massive unification process. Anyways, when I meditate on a flower like that, or whenever meditation gets real good, I feel this extraordinary feeling throughout my body. It's kind of like the engines are revving up, ready to just knock me out. Um, I guess literally, I don't know. But there. I just had to say that. It's just fantastic. I couldn't have been meditating more than 15 seconds when I felt this extraordinary feeling in my hamstrings and my buns. It's like there was this total connection to my brain. Fascinating! That's all I'll say right now. I'm going to meditate a little bit longer, then I'll start walking. (pause) I went to the naturopath today, and I talked to X , so I have some reflections to make.
(pause, later? hiking, birds chirping) All this hiking that I've been doing. I've been concentrating on doing a bit more deep breathing than I'm used to. I'm forcing it on myself. I'm not getting quite so much the headaches that I used to get from it. I can handle it. I'm trying to give it to my body. As you're exhaling, most people apply a lot of stomach pressure to the spine. I'm not doing that. That gets me too worked up. [The pressure on the spine sends too much energy to my head.] So what I'm doing is breathing deeply through the diaphragm, expanding the chest, and then letting it back out slowly. I'm exhaling for twice as long as I'm inhaling. You know, exhaling with a big long "haaaaaaa!" You know, like that, without undue stomach tightening. I'm just so pleased that I have so much energy to devote to concentration. A flower -- no problem, Holmes. No problem. (birds chirping) Of course, I am still on this side of the unitive experience. On the dissociated side, the side of multiplicity, not of union.
(still hiking) A couple of things that came up in my naturopathic visit (pdf) were the following: I have a general fungus problem. You can see that in a couple of my fingernails, with the pitting. You know, a year ago it was green on my thumbnail. It's a general condition. It might have something to do with my carrying extra water. It might have something to do with my sugar intake. Or some of the nuts I eat may be contributing. Those things... I don't know. It's interesting -- this fungus business and whether it's contributed somehow to my spiritual development. I don't know. All I know is I can remember pictures of AIDS patients who died of some sort of funguses that grew in their brain. God knows I don't want that. She gave me some kind of droplets to take. The label says, "Don’t eat garlic or onions while on this medication." That won't be easy for me. We'll see. The other thing that came up was my colon. It's weak. There's too much bloating and gas down there. What I have to do is try to simplify. Like at breakfast eat maybe just one type of fruit. The way my digestion is going these days, I need like four hours minimum after a meal before I eat something else. So my salad, if I have salad, I have to wait four hours before I eat something else; and then the same with the fruit. I could probably have the bee pollen, the bee products, not too soon after fruit, maybe an hour before I have salad, because it is so easily digested. It's just absorbed into the system. But anything that has fiber and roughage in it, I really need that space between meals. So I need to look at ways to reduce my bloating because the gas is damaging my system. I've got to watch it. (pause) I want to get leaner. I want my body to be holding less liquids. I want to feel -- how do I say this? -- more coherency to my system. (birds chirping) I feel very flabby. I feel like I have a lot of excess still. I don't want to be anorexic or anything. But I'd like to lose 20 pounds. It's partly the weight thing, but partly I just want to feel more limber and light. I want to feel that my limbs have less excess water and mass to them.
(pause) I'm going to keep track of all the scores I get from that electronic gizmo machine, when they put the electrode to each of my fingertips to tell me how all of my different systems are doing. I want to see if I can improve those scores over time. I want to get really healthy. I want to fast. I want to eat lightly. I want to feel energy flowing through me in a very beautiful way. My scores weren't all that great. I got decent scores for the heart and other areas, but I want them higher. I think the scores she was looking for are 40-60. I want to see 60 for all of them. The only one I maxed out on was hormones. I did very well on hormones. I think it was 60 or 62. I don't know what "hormones" were being evaluated. I have to look into that. It might have to do with my pituitary and pineal -- those glands that I've got and that I'm activating through meditation and contemplation.
(hiking) It's Wednesday, August 3rd. I felt really, really discombobulated today. I don't know if it's the result of some of the deep breathing I've been doing. Maybe it's the medication Diana's given to me -- this fungicide to kill off the fungus in me. I have a lot of it. Part of me thinks that maybe there's this relationship between the fungus and my spiritual growth. (laughter) Or maybe it's this liver detox she gave me. I don't like buying things to make me better. I'd rather take a look at my diet and see what's going on there, and try to move in a direction of using food as my medicine and not buying anything. Because I am totally convinced that, really (birds chirping), if I try to be mellow, don't eat too much, fast occasionally, and eat the highest quality of foods possible, that I will get better -- that my excess water, my fungus, et cetera, will go away. Anyways, I think she breeds dependence. I don't want to be going to her every week for the first month and then once a month thereafter. It's too expensive and I want to be empowered to heal myself. I should have just told her, "Look, I am not going to be back for a year. Give me some directions to run in and I'll take it from here. But she's in the business to make money, and she likes that relationship.
I have some mixed feelings about X's  coming out here. A big part of me wants this time to myself. A big part of me doesn't want to share my life with anyone, not even him, at least not so intimately for these two weeks. But I'm sure we'll make the best of it. Also, financially, wait, that's something else. I'll get to that in a minute. (pause) I need time for this thesis. Very serious shit. I've got to get going on it. I've been really dragging. I've got to get more work done on it. The thing is, it should be easy. There is nothing intellectually difficult about it. I think I understand the concepts. Thank God it's not sociology, which is much more deep. I'd have a lot more problems with it. Special education is the kind of graduate program you could be watching TV and do at the same time. In fact, it would be easier while you were watching TV. It's just analysis. It's not creative at all.
And money. X's  coming out here will mean some hardship for me, so additional debt. I'm going halves with him on the airfare. Plus I'm picking up food and some other expenses. I'm looking at another $700 or so. At least $700 in the hole. I'm looking at my finances. I'm $33,000 in debt. I think I'm nearing the breaking point, the no-turning-back point. I really need to watch it now. I can't afford to go over. If it gets up another $5,000 or $6,000 I'll be nearing a desperation point that won't be good for my overall disposition. It would push my minimum monthly payments too high.
(sigh; continued hiking) Lastly, I feel this great spiritual wealth inside of me, and I don't feel really able or willing or ready to embrace it. I just had a little inkling back there. I've been thinking about it. The kind of knowledge that can make my whole life worthwhile, in an instant. It's kind of what it is. Why live to 120 in fractured consciousness? I'd rather live 80 years knowing where I'm going.
(pause) This fungus that is making my fingernails depressed around the cuticle -- making the nail pitted and lumpy -- is actually all over my body. There are times when I've itched all over. My arms, my chest, my back, my legs, everywhere. Especially when I sweat. Another hypothesis for why I have it -- because I've only had it for the past year and a half -- is that my nerves have been ready to fly. My pranic nervous system is ready. In the absence of the real stuff flowing through it like it should be, it's starting to decay. It's a horrible thought. But it could be the case.
(in the house, laying in bed?, somber tone of voice) I've been quite depressed recently. It's August 4th, in the morning. I mean my body seems to be not doing well. It's falling apart in a number of ways. I read about extremely healthy people. I don't seem to have the willpower or spiritual submission to get it on the ball, physically. I'm wearing out my system with my overeating and my high sugar consumption. Plus, I'm worn out by the fact that I want to find a place in my life where I can submit to God and leave this ego behind. Where I am right now, I'm afraid of it. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of having to prolong this. I feel like I could be dying spiritually. I'm tired of having to keep up with this masters program. It really wears me away. I'm tired of having a job that I don't really love. I just hope I can survive the next 15 years and write a few good books and somehow be saved. It's all I can say.
(hiking?) Oh, my depression is mounting. Today I'm going through all my books because I want to get a couple of boxes set aside for maybe just spiritual stuff. I've got 500 books that it seems like for a decade that I've wanted to respond to in a holistic manner in my book. I feel like that capacity of mine is eroding. I'm not able to think as well. It pains me. I'm scared that this masters thesis is something I cannot finish. (sigh) It could drag on for two more years. (sigh) I just can't put off thinking about my books that long. I have a thesis. I mean I have my alternative dissertation I have to do. I want to do it. There's some great stuff in here about consciousness and meditation and sociology and health and everything that I'm interested in. It's something I need to devote my mind to entirely. It's my mission. But I have to do this goddamned masters paper. Oh, lord! Well, anyway, I'm just depressed thinking about that.
(later, at home) I've been reading this book I have entitled, "Cosmos In Man" (Amazon). There's a lot of extraordinary information in there. It's Thursday, August 4th. X  comes in tonight. (sigh) There are so many insights in there that I need to work on. This extreme isolationism of mine isn't good. I want to get over it. I want it to lead to something beautiful -- like my writing and other things that are sharing. Overall, the book was stating that you need to be directed toward the good of civilization, the general good of humanity. And I am. But that my physical body is not half as healthy as it should be is a major source of concern for me. The book cites Swami Vivekananda's short life and some of the problems he encountered as a result of some forced meditation. He talks a lot about that. How there are certain ways of opening up centers of being that if you are not ready for them, it's not a good thing to do. You can wreak terrible harm on the body. You need a teacher. There's so much more in that book. It spoke really poorly of Hatha Yoga which is very much a mechanical, physical exercise. It was stating over and over again that your focus must be upon Spirit, and not on all these other levels of existence. And that meditation should actually be something that charges up all of the levels -- physical, mental, and emotional.
(sigh) I'm so irritable these days. I don't have that much energy. And I'm depressed. And my body's not doing well. I've got this fungus. They're all symptomatic of not being aligned correctly with spirit. I keep clinging to the hope that it will all work out. I've opened myself up. I feel stuff going on in my brain that I've never felt before. Tinglings and... (sigh) slight pains actually, pains. More than like anything good, it's more like a pain in different parts of my brain. A lot of it around the roof, the very top of my head, the crown. (sigh) Very unusual stuff.
One thing he said was about fears. One of the most counterproductive of feelings is fear. You can't have fear. You just have to have love, and acceptance and devotion. (sigh) What I want so much is for my material-social life to fit into my spiritual life. I want them to work together.
[end of Tape #14 side B]
Note on "Cosmos In Man" from Pranic Healing:
The Cosmos is the symphony of the energies and forces in the Space. Contemplation on the Cosmos calls forth the Cosmos latent in our hearts. The beauty of Cosmos will not be recognized and enjoyed until the Cosmos in our hearts unfolds its petals and expands toward the Cosmos.
Spiritual life is the journey to Cosmos. It is the understanding and identification with the rhythm and harmony of the Cosmos, until man really feels and thinks he is part of Cosmos.
"In the grand design of the universe, human destiny is to manifest universal order and harmony." (Preface) The author writes: "Man is Infinity. When we know man we will know the Cosmos. Man is not only a replica of Cosmos, but a living mirror of all that transpires in Cosmos. In the future man will be able to use a living human form to forecast coming events on the planet and in Cosmos. Man is the most sensitive instrument ever created in the Universe..."
In this book, we see how man is a microcosm of the great Cosmic creation, how he fits into the universe, and how he can be aware of his own cosmic connection. Instructions given on meditation, the Seven Rays, visualizing the Master, the sacred word, and more.
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