The Masochism Of Graduate School - Can't Let Spirit Have The Upper Hand If You Want To Keep Your Job - Unbridled Spiritual Insight Will Land You On A Mountain Top Or In An Insane Asylum With No Social Network Or Material Fabric To Support You - My Housemate Is A Slob, Au Revoir!
The Weight Of Comprehensive Examinations Pressing On My Mind - The Masochism Of Graduate School - I Want To Vegetate, To Have NOTHING On My Mind - Distress Versus Eustress, Want More Of The Latter - Creative Use Of The Mind, Fearful Of Forgetting That - Excessive Weight Wears On The Body - Masturbating And Overeating As A Means Of Managing External Compulsions - Meeting The Minimum Expectations Of The Workplace - A Housemate Who Demands Too Much Of Me - Wild Prophets And Asylum Inmates, Both The Result Of An Overwhelming Flow Of Spiritual Energy And Insight In The Human Body - Can't Let Spirit Have The Upper Hand If You Want To Keep Your Job - Nearly Impossible To Achieve Freedom Within The Boundaries Created By Society - Housemate Not Cleaning Up His Messes, And Making Toast Directly On The Electric Coils Of The Hot Plate - Au Revoir!
Tape Transcriptions - Tape #8
1993.7.5. Monday. (tape #8, continued)
Well, it's July fifth, and I'm lying down here (sighing) on my bed, with the expectation that I am to study for my comprehensive exams. And I really look forward to the time when I can lie down here with nothing on my mind, or at least nothing on my mind that, uhh, makes me so off balance as this. This is a, I mean, it's definitely a masochistic procedure, because I'm not interested in this stuff, but I force my mind (yawning) to contemplate it. It's very hard on me, and I look forward to, like in the next year or two, to be able to lie down here and vegetate freely, freely, just vegetate freely without, you know, feeling that this thing is upon me that forces me to cut off parts of myself. You know, it's social masochism, and all I want (yawning) is to have nothing on my mind. I'll be able to soar higher, and farther, without worry of repercussions; or I'll have books on my mind, these books I want to write, because I have the material, all I need to do is somehow assimilate it and translate it, you know, these cassettes and all the written stuff I have in boxes. And that won't be a masochism; it might be a stress, but it will be a eustress, it will be a positive stress. It will be more of a universal, creative, spiritual thing. And, uhmm, it will be very energizing to contemplate it -- and certainly to do it. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm forgetting what the creative use of my mind is, but I hope that I don't. And I'm also thinking, you know, I look at my body, you know, I've been 195 for, shit -- I'm 28 now -- for eight years. I'm thirty pounds -- you know, I want to weigh 165 or so -- (yawning) which is 10 or 15 percent more than where I want to be. It's just tiresome. It's wearing on my body. The stress is, also. And if I can just get a handle on the stress, and see stress decreasing, you know, as I get out of this program, and more established at school, stress will decrease. My opportunities for self-reflection, and more contemplation, will increase, and that'll help. And, uhh, you know, get Chris [my housemate] out of here, and get my financial situation even better, you know, as I climb the pay scale. That will all improve the situation, too. And, uhmm (yawning), my muscle tone and my skin tone are not as I would like for them to be -- and they can improve, also. I mean, I know that, definitely, fasting is the type of vigorous, passive approach that is what I need, as opposed to this constant blundering into the external, you know, where I'm masturbating and overeating to sort of deal with these external compulsions of mine, and these needs of doing school work and rising to all these external occasions they call for, uhh, it's very hard, and these are very drastic measures, and if I could do more sleeping, and walking, and not eating, uhmm, that's the way you recharge your inner soul, your spirit. You know, I'm optimistic that the future will -- I don't know if it'll be as good as I want it to be -- but it'll be better than what I have right now. And, uhmm, you know, I see hope there. I see some positive avenues for, uhh, self development, and, uhh, I think the bottom line really, actually, is that I'm committing myself to this job -- that I do whatever is expected of me at the job. Of course, as always I'll find ways to escape; but basically, I'll be there to, you know, to do the minimum of what's required of me, and to be very pleasant.
(later, hiking) I had some spiritual second thoughts about kicking out Chris today, just because he is such a pathetic dude, even though he never admits it and has really deficient interpersonal skills and hygiene skills. He does, really, need someone to help keep his life together, and I could nominate myself as one of those people, but, you know (bird chirping) (sigh), spiritually it might be one thing, but financially and emotionally, I just need someone else who can pay the bills and doesn't demand as much of me. And it complicates things, because, you know, I was reading this "new age" catalogue today with all these books about (birds still chirping) "do what you love and the money will follow;" and, if that were true (breathing hard from exertion, laughing), if what I love is to write, to be by myself, to be athletic, and that all that doesn't pay, and uhmm, and so in that regard, in regard to my career, it definitely seems to be the case that, the idea is to let the spirit inform you within the context of guidelines you set forth, and that at some point it becomes a battle ground to see how much your spirit will put up with; and, sometimes, necessarily, you will have to change, but you have to be careful because spirit knows no boundaries, knows no limits, that impulse is just as likely to put you into total indebtedness because of your aspirations for quality foods, or quality clothes, just as much as it is to get you unemployed because of your pursuit of quality time -- quality meditation. (big exhale) So, I suppose it's not to have the upper hand. [or else] Then you have insanity, and other things that arise when pathetic efforts at trying damn a river like Niagara Falls with our thumb ... (heavy breathing) fail. You get wild prophets, people in asylums.
(later, not hiking) The last couple of days I have been extraordinarily depressed. I mean, it's like this black cloud hanging all over me. I mean, I want to masturbate, but I know how that'll exhaust me. I've been overeating and sleeping too much -- it's just a nightmare of Hydra heads coming up. I don't really know; it's complicated by my living beyond my means with my credit cards and my eating; I have a tremendous amount of spaghetti that's inside of me, just sitting there, and, uhmm, I don't know, who knows, many things going on. I just want freedom, and it's very hard to negotiate that desire within -- within the realm of society.
(hiking, next day?) A day in the life of Chris X. Okay, it's a typical day, a microcosm that I saw today. Okay, I'll start with ten o'clock last night, walks into the bathroom door, totally throws it off its hinges. I can't put it back on. The door won't slide; it won't stay there [on the rail] the right way. The next morning, Chris takes a shower, leaves the water dripping, leaves wet footprints all over the house, because he just walks around dripping. Uhmm, makes a bowl of cereal, leaves about 15 oatey o's on the ground, doesn't pick them up; I guess he spilled them when he was pouring his cereal into the bowl. (sigh) Makes scrambled eggs, turns on the burner for a while and just leaves it there [hot] and then makes his scrambled eggs a half hour or more later. Once done with scrambled eggs, leaves pan in the sink. When I complain about that -- because it's disrespectful toward me, I mean, it makes my use of the sink difficult -- he just empties the water and sticks it in the clean tray rack of his, which is disgusting because it's just full of, like, pieces of scrambled egg, which becomes another roach problem. And, to go with the scrambled eggs he has toast. What does he do? He toasts the bread directly on the electric hot plate, even though we do have a toaster that's built for the purpose. So, he's totally destroying that thing. It's just a typical day. But he's going, au revoir.
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