Grounding Spirit In A This Worldly Focus - Earning An Income Versus Being Spiritual - Making Love To The Sirens - Writing 16,000 Pages - Long Hair Versus Short Hair - Social Embrace Versus Social Alienation
Goal Is To Make The Top Of The Pay Scale On Time - Goal Is To Write 12 Books Over The Next 30 Years - Fear Of Excessive Work Focus Silencing My Spirit Forever - Need An Income That Can Support My Material Needs - Spirit Chewing Through Its Collar - Forcing Spirit To Arise Through The Life I've Created And That Sustains My Physical Vehicle - Radical Commitment To Organic Foods - Shaving Your Head Versus Growing Long Hair - Shaving Head As A Sign Of Social Alienation - Growing Hair Out As A Sign Of Embracing The World - Lashing Myself To The Mast Of This World And Letting The Sirens Sing At Full Volume - Making Love With The Sirens One By One, Slowly, Lovingly, All 1000 Of Them, Until I Am Acquainted With The Whole Flock - Transcending The Gap Between Me As A Teacher And Me As An Artist - Pressure In The Colon Leads To Masturbation - The Tidal Forces Of The Full Moon Caused My Energy To Get Out Of Hand
Tape Transcriptions - Tape #8
A Sunfrost Refrigerator, the most energy efficient brand on the market. 16 cubic foot models are north of $3000, or 4x the price of comparably sized fridges made by other manufacturers. The compressors are super quiet, and the high humidity keeps produce fresh longer. You need a good income to buy one. No way a renunciate can afford one of these.
1993.7.3. Saturday. (tape #8, continued)
(hiking) It's Saturday, July 3rd. I think in the aftermath of yesterday, when I precipitously dropped my courses, I'm rethinking it now. I mean, I'm glad about the fact that that was not an irrevocable move. What I mean is, I can still progress and get my masters degree and make Class VII on time. And, uhmm (sighing), I'm just not interested in using my mind, though, for a doctoral dissertation. But, a whole bunch of things are going through my head. I think I want to be consistent with, you know, what I set out for myself to do. I say tentatively right now, I am looking at age 50 for publishing some stuff. Give myself the next twenty years to see what I can come up with. Or thirty years -- if my goals are still the same. Ten novels, a health book, and a book on just my rambling thoughts in paragraph form on anything that pleases me. All told, 16,000 pages (at 500 words per page). I don't know if I'll be able to do that because, uhmm, my decision right now is to ground myself and fix myself on this reality. And, uhmm, I don't know if I am able to do that, first of all. You know, I don't know to what extent my spirit's going to be calling upon me to change my life -- how great a cry it will utter when faced with situations in which it can't realize itself [it's needs, it's potential]. My hope is that I'm going to create a situation in which slowly, trickling, the trickling of spirit will become a stream, which will become a river, which will become an ocean. That process, if I'm fortunate enough for it to come about, uhmm, could take twenty or thirty years. But (sighing), you know, I think about Sigmund Freud and how he worked full time and yet had all of these writings he did above and beyond that. And, to some extent it would be inconsistent with my position if I were to just seek to use my art as an escape, which means write one and publish it, and hopefully get a little income from that and quit, which would show a lack of commitment to the nuts and bolts of the situation here. Uhmm, by the same token I would be quite correct in stating that the situation is not conducive to spiritual realization. Therefore, you know, in every respect (breathing heavily), you know, I'm correct in leaving it, in leaving the situation I'm in -- and moving toward something that is far less driven professionally and co-dependently. Uhmm, like working half-time, being a cashier, or even being a teacher, but just part-time. But, the limitation of that is the [lack of] security, financially -- which is something I just cannot tolerate. So if I stick with this career, really, I am only going to be able to satisfy my own needs. For twenty or thirty more years now, I will (burp), oh who knows! -- prognostication is so boring -- but I don't see it being really reasonable that I get married (birds chirping), and have kids. You know, but what's funny is, if you're like Amadeus -- Mozart -- who died at 35 or 34 years old, and how prolific he was, how very much driven, his career was his art; but, uhmm, hopefully, when I can get around to it, it will just be a trickle in terms of my writing, I'll just start as a creek at first, and then it will begin to flow more. And, uhh, it will be something that, you know, won't possess me entirely. I'll still be able to pull back...and deal with the world -- with my work, with my other needs. But I was just sitting in bed last night looking at my clothing, thinking of my car, and my artwork, and all these physical things, this fabulous organic olive oil that I bought, all these things that my career is allowing me to pursue, and I was thinking that, in a very large degree, I'm able to pursue a good, quality life within this situation. I'm very fortunate. The air is pretty good out here, I've got hiking at my back door, I've got more free time than most careers allow for, and, uhmm, you know, I have the money to fill my house with things that mean a lot to me, like all my politically correct radical posters that I have framed. I have $600 or $700 worth of framing in my house for these posters. You know, I want to have an electric car someday, I want to have that Sun Fridge (pic) that's $3000, the only refrigerator that runs on almost no energy at all because of its state-of-the-art insulation and cooling mechanism. And there're other things like that that I want. And so, you know, I am still working on a material level. And, uh, you know, although I think what I've been feeling is just that I want to leap toward transcendence, but I felt really shaky in that. I felt that in a way it was a denial of my responsibilities to the here-and-now. And, uhmm, my situation is that -- my position is that -- I need to continue to make these small progressive steps. I'm on the brink of some major ones, like getting my masters degree. I just had another milestone: I'm certificated. I've made it to a cleaner, better school. Uhmm, I've survived three years of a very hostile situation. I mean, there are some very major feathers in my hat that have been achieved. Uhmm, physically, I think I'm poised to be more healthy than I've been in a long time, but we'll see. And I have the income, due to this profession, to support my getting better exercise equipment. And so, basically, my art, then, will have to come up and arise out of the situation that I'm creating here. It can't be the other way. The other way is just insanity, although I remember speaking into this thing [microcassette recorder] several times about how -- I think it was after Christmas vacation -- I went to school, and I had such an interior feeling that I didn't belong. I mean, I was, like, so appalled that I was going to school to work. I might as well have been going to Pluto. I just felt so unconnected there. And, uhmm, what I need to do is just... I don't think I'm running the risk of silencing my spirit forever. Uhmm, if that were the case I think I'd feel much more startlingly depressed than I do. It's just that my spirit is getting extremely impatient and, uhh, I think I just need to, you know, buy some better ropes for it, to restrain it, you know -- it's trying to chew through its collar -- uhmm, and just force it to come through the life that I'm showing it. And, uhh, there will be changes that I'll, you know, make along the way. Like I'm just -- it's partly a function of funds -- but I'm radically committed to organic clothing and organic foods. I'm going to get increasingly so; and my activism is at a high, you know, this stuff with Greenpeace and everything, my writing letters to Congress people. Uhmm, so there've been some good developments, and I have more to do.
Uhmm, it's funny to think that I was feeling this strange sort of dual feeling yesterday, that if I were to pursue my teaching, continue my teaching, but feeling totally out of place, you know, constantly looking over my shoulders for fear that someone would be reprimanding me, because I felt totally at odds with the situation. You know, if that's the way I feel, I think, if my only aim was my art, then I would be much more inclined to shave my head and shave my face, because I would want to sink into the background as much as possible. But if I am fairly committed to the situation there, you know, have a thirty year perspective, then I'll be able to -- which is what I was doing this past Spring -- have a beard, take more days off, because, basically I was a lifer, I didn't see myself leaving, therefore I can take more liberty. So these are the things I am meditating on. I feel a little bit more grounded, but, you know, this battle will continue. It has never been this strong before, but maybe because I never allowed it to because I'd never been in a position of this much freedom in the last few years. I'm already certified, I mean that's a major accomplishment. But, uhmm, I think I just have to lash myself to the mast, and the Sirens will be singing on the rocks, and, uhh, just try to weather the various storms and I'll have a wild look in my eyes, and I'll have a wild beard. But, uhh, hopefully, I'll be able to focus on my work at school, and at the same time start making love with the Sirens, one by one, all thousand of them, very slowly, very lovingly, minimizing the risk until I am acquainted with the whole flock, the whole herd of them, and there'll be no difference between myself at work and myself writing (birds singing) or preaching.
(pause) But I'm kind of a shit head. I'm very tired. I masturbated today. I did it, say, Saturday, I did it once last Sunday. I mean, it's far too frequently. I need to space them out at least three weeks or so, because it totally devastates me. I mean, my eyes get this sunken in, burning feeling. I have rings under my eyes. My bones feel heavy and lifeless. My teeth feel like they're going to fall out. And the whole thing is just a catastrophe; and all it is is about pressure in my colon, and lack of direction upstairs.
(later) I think, uhh, it's interesting to note that these tidal forces that compel me to want to leave the program and drop my classes, all of that came to a head, really, with the full moon, which is basically the same Friday that I dropped the classes. The energy was getting out of hand.
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