Nauseating Hot Swelling In My Head And Chest - Capacity To Think Fogged Over Completely - Wrote Two Sentences - Gathering Moon Worsens My Symptoms Of Electrical Sensitivity - Dampening Awareness Via Orgasm - Deep Contractions That Gutted My Thymus, Brain, And Testicles

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - March 20, 1997

1997.3.20. Volcano Golf Course Subdivision, Volcano, Hawaii

I had too many conversations yesterday and today my energy is miserably off.  I slept poorly until about 5:10 a.m. when I felt that nauseating hot swelling in my head and chest that has persisted all day with greater intensity than usual.  I only could write two sentences around 11 a.m. as I felt my capacity to think critically fog over completely.  For the life of me I could not persist in a simple analysis of some pathetic religious doctrine.  I should have easily been able to get to the heart of the text and show where the faulty perspective lay.  I walked around, engaging myself in some mindless packing for my move to Ocean View this weekend.  Even the simple movements of packing boxes felt futile and unsustainable.  I lay down for an hour, feeling unusually incapacitated.  To make matters worse, the moon is gathering strength and I feel it heightening my awareness.  But every movement toward wholeness and perceptual intensification only makes worse my symptoms of electromagnetic illness.  The transmitters near my house become increasingly palpable to me to the point that I can do nothing but lay down and seek total inertia.  But when I lied down today it only intensified my awareness.  I was like a battery drawing a recharge current from the earth and the moon. 

Since a creative expression of this building energy in me was impossible, my thoughts turned increasingly sexual.   Laying down for an hour, I had worked myself into a sexual froth, my body craving the extinction, release, and ignorance of orgasm.  As my fantasies only intensified the feeling of haze and opacity in my brain, I felt like a bar of molten lead on my bed, in contrast to the feeling of a transluscent crystalline presence I had once had.  I thought of a beautiful mother of one of my students; I thought of a voluptuous girl at a cafe that I had had soup at recently.  I chose the mother to pursue an orgasm with.  She came in to pick up her handicapped daughter.  We stood there near the girl, talking.  There was a pause in the conversation as we looked at each other and we drew each other's mouths to each other and started kissing.  The kissing progressed until we were making love on the carpeted floor.  It was when she was on top of me, sweating, almost weeping with the joy of the release of energy between us, at the point that I felt her vagina contracting around my penis as she orgasmed, that I chose to orgasm as well.  I must have had over 15 deep contractions that pounded and gutted my thymus, brain and testicles.  A while later, as I dragged myself out of bed, my face had the look of a corpse--with sunken, darkly encircled blood shot eyes--but at least my thinking was slightly cleared.  Three hours hence, I am concerned that I will come down with the flu as I feel a swelling of pain and thick yellow mucus building in my throat.  I will attempt to get 12 hours of sleep tonight to head off total physiological collapse.

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