Scoring 100 Out Of 100 On The HMSA (pdf) HealthPass Measure Of Stress And Emotional Wellbeing - Is This Newfound Health Or A Sign Of Exhaustion And Resignation To Interminable Pressures?

Scoring 100 Out Of 100 On The HMSA HealthPass (pdf) (pdf) Measure Of Stress And Emotional Wellbeing - Is This Newfound Health Or A Sign Of Exhaustion And Resignation To Interminable Pressures?

Personal Minutiae - March 26, 1999 (a)

1999.3.26. Friday, 7:45 a.m.

Another thing I reflected on after having my HealthPass (pdf) appointment a couple of weeks ago were the emotional changes I've been through the last few years. It appears that my current resignation to this broad based trauma can be helpful. For example, when I first entered the Department of Education, and was simultaneously enrolled at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, I was bitter about the countless expectations being placed upon me. I was in a state of mortal combat at all hours of the day. Whether emotionally, intellectually, or physically, I was engaged in ceaseless war. Accordingly, my HealthPass scores for stress and sense of emotional well-being were very low for this period. But the scores dropped even more at my HealthPass visits during the Springs 1996 and 1997. At those times, I could not tolerate the electromagnetic and professional stresses that I operated under. At the very least, I could not reconcile myself to them. My every fiber rebelled against these inhumane, excessive, Godless pressures. During this period I fantasized constantly about my finally being rid of these torments. So, of course, in any self-reported scale of health I would rate myself as being critically and terminally stressed. Though my scores inched up in 1998, it wasn't until this year that my scores resumed an appearance of well-being. In fact, I scored the highest possible, 100 points, when the average 34 year old male scores just 62. The score, to me, is actually a joke, because I do not feel any better than I have in the recent past. I am just as tired and irritable as I've ever been; and, in some respects I am worse. I feel that my body is weak, my circulation is sluggish, and my thought processes are increasingly confused. The only difference is that, subjectively, I am no longer fighting. I am resigned to all this sadness and physiological breakdown. After three years my bitterness and rebelliousness have gotten me nowhere: I am still teaching, still getting headaches constantly, and still have no protection from EMFs. As a result, I sleep more, think less of my salvation, and just focus, predominantly, upon food, work, and simple material possessions. I have turned away, for the most part, from any grand sweeping spiritual quest. Though I am in near-constant pain -- for example, my heart muscle feels an unnatural and harmful pressure right now, and my brain hurts from being forced to work while so exposed to manmade EMFs -- I do not think about it anymore with much resentment or sadness. I've come to the conclusion that there is no point to it. I have spent thousands of hours thinking of hundreds of different combinations of housing structures and geographical locations, all with the intent of reducing my exposure to EMFs, and not one of these scenarios has manifested. So, as conserving energy has become important to me, I'm waiting until I have the resources before seriously considering the matter again. I followed the same logic the other day when I was about to drive along the subdivision below my house -- an area that is dryer, has more acreage per lot, is sparsely populated, and has many ideal spots to develop my dream house -- and I decided not to go window shopping because it would have been a waste of my time and energy in the present situation. I figure that I will have plenty of time to make a thorough investigation of the matter when I have the money. Until then, why bother about it? In sum, I am now medically certified as healthy. I scored 100 points out of 100 points possible. But the score is ridiculous and is further confirmation of the medical profession's ignorance and lack of intelligent guidance. Time will tell whether my current resignation is more of an indication of a state of exhaustion rather than emotional well-being.

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