A New Standard In Human Suffering - The Social Alienation That God Consciousness Can Bring Is Bad Enough, But This Incessant Persecution And Invasion Of My Consciousness By Manmade EMF Takes The Cake - Losing Myself In Work And Physical Debasement Give Only Partial Refuge
Spiritual Commentary - January 1, 1997 (a)
In many ways I think that the last two years of my life have set a new standard in human suffering. Though many people have suffered more on a level of quantity -- for instance, victims of torture under despotic military regimes, or women being burnt alive for being "witches" in ignorant early Christian societies -- the case can be made for my suffering being qualitatively different. In the past, it was bad enough to claim that you are aware of God, and have no one believe you. But it is quite another thing altogether, to say that you are aware of God, that EMFs are eviscerating you, and still no one believes you. In the first case, you are left with a sense of isolation, emotional frustration, and righteous anger. But in the latter case, you have all of the above feelings, as well as the reality of an incessant persecution and invasion of your consciousness. God consciousness is hard enough to manage amidst the stresses of modern life. But taken together with dense, manmade EMFs, the equation for suffering becomes squared, even cubed.
I ponder my dilemma as I observe that no one in my family has called me for either New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Not that I care for holidays, but this time it is different. I might be inclined to call some of them, but I sent a long letter explaining my situation to some thirty friends and family members just two weeks ago. The communication ball is definitely in their court. It appears that many of them are having difficulty with what I have written; their difficulty, I am sure, extends far beyond my style of prose. So I sit in my room, often thinking of, or looking toward, the phone. Will someone call? Is someone willing to consider the truth of what I am saying? Will some of them desist from communicating with me, as I have decisively broken from a life of "normalcy," once and for all? Is Dr. "X"  going to call the medics to conduct a "mercy" rescue, and force me into psychiatric treatment?
Dr. X has always felt that I was not living up to my potential. Why else would I major in religion, live in a rural area, not be married, and teach handicapped children? He will undoubtedly view this entire concern of mine as pathological. Will "J" , Dr. X's son, give up my friendship, because his ego is not strong enough to withstand the cautionary, disapproving, judgment of his family? Considering these and other matters, my sense of estrangement today deepens. In the past, when joy and great expectations filled me, physical isolation was not a problem; in fact, it intensified my sense of well-being. For thirty years I had never felt estranged and alone at the same time, though I was often alone. When I experienced alienation, if I experienced it at all, it was only in the presence of people who were emotionally dangerous, hostile, or cold. Being alone was always, always, great. But during this past year, my periods of isolation have been more difficult; they have intensified my awareness of EMFs. Incredibly, often it is now at school where I feel best. This was more the case in Honolulu, where the EMFs were less powerful at my workplace than at my home. But even now, to a lesser extent, being at school is a relief. Anything that distracts me from looking inward helps me to diminish my capacity to feel EMFs. Looking aghast at this development, it is evident that my life has been turned upside down. What was good for me for the first thirty years of my life, is all of a sudden not good. It is crazy. It is inconsistent. It is tragic. Contemplating, imagining, writing, and exercising are all no-no's now. Teaching long hours, over sleeping, and doing anything that dissipates my energy, have all become the bread and butter of my path.
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