Nick's Fish Market - Waikiki, Honolulu HI - Loud And Dark Environments Obscure Discrimination - Fun Fair At School - Dull Static Eyes A Result Of Excessive TV And A Lack Of Introspection - Flirting With Girls
A microcassette transcription.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 8, 1995
1995.12.8. (Tape #50 continued.)
(Early morning.) I'm on my way to work. I really overdid it last night. I spent about two hours and fifteen minutes, up until about quarter of 10:00 p.m. with Ben and Toni and their eight friends at Nick's Fish Market (pdf). I was talking too much, too rapidly, and these people were too boring, they were professionals, but really, I wasn't interested, they were a boring group of people. The food was alright, but there was this loud discotheque right on the premises, and there were prostitutes there, call girls--I just did not find the ambiance conducive, I had to talk loudly, and I had a hard time listening to people, just because the music was so loud, and the moon was quite full, or nearly full. Coming out of there I just had a headache, I dealt with it, but I was a little concerned that I would not be able to sleep. Luckily, sleep came to me, but it is only because I have such a strong path that I am on, I am pretty well integrated. But basically, it was serioously injurious to my mental and spiritual well-being to be so over-stimulated at such a late hour. I think it is almost gospel, almost sacred holy writ for me, that the last thing I do during the day is some kind of aerobic activity, and I ground myself in my body, and that I don't go out, I don't go into Waikiki, I don't do movies, I don't do dinners, at night like that, I just don't tolerate it. I'm not into it, and today I'm light headed. I think I'll survive today, but I'm going to have to really be monitoring my verbal discourse, I think, I can't be as outlandish and loud and chatty as I am sometimes, so I'm going to have to just hold myself in, inward, and just mellow out today if I can. Also, as I drove into town last night, into Waikiki, I felt my chest, and throat, and brain, kind of all tighten up and get somewhat irritated, a little bit irritated, and I know that must have been the result of some kind of radiation down there. So I'm becoming increasingly intolerant of almost everything. It blows me away. And one thing I'm concerned about, I can take pain, I'm not afraid of pain, okay, what I don't want is damage. I just hate the idea that I'm damaging myself with this, this exposure to these things. And that's what concerns me the most.
(Later in the evening.) I'm coming down the Kulio'o Ridge trail. My knee has gotten a lot better, in the last day or two. I've been hiking on it more appropriately, with less jarring, etcetera, so my right knee is better. But I still have to watch it. Today we had a Fun Fair at school, and it was very tiring, because I had to sit at a booth and talk to people all day long, selling things, making change, making sure everything that left the table was paid for. One person who I interacted with was this lady who I had seen on campus a number of times, she's a mother of a couple of students, she's so beautiful, her hair is beautiful, her skin is beautiful, nice, wonderful breasts, slender, strong, athletic legs, just a terrific figure. As I interacted with her, I lost interest, she lacked intensity, she did not seem very introspective, and her eyes were kind of a dull brown. The more contemplative you are, I think the more nuances, the more depth, the more vitality you see in the eyes. Hers were very static, very shallow, like she did not have a high estimation of herself, or had been watching too much TV or something. But I knew that were we to consummate a relationship, I knew I would lose interest very quickly. Per usual, I was doing some flirting with some of the younger girls who were shopping at our table, some kept on coming back to buy more things, I guess, just to hang out with me. I just liked their vitality, their enthusiasm. I still had something of a headache, today, but it is much better now. I handled myself pretty well today at the Fun Fair, you know, I talked a lot, but I did not drain myself too much, so I think I'll survive.
When I got home I had a little bit of time to lay down for a while, but I felt a little bit off, a little bit tired, so I didn't feel like trying to get really really, you know, introspective, or inwardly absorbed, because I just felt a little bit fried. I want to go at that when I feel a little more comfortable, maybe tonight, tomorrow, the next day. I just look forward to the challenge of going inward, trying to keep it at a non-event, a non-time-oriented thing, although this body is definitely in the world of time, but I guess that could change if I get passionate enough. Another thing that really struck me about that bar and dance type of situation at the restaurant last night, at Nick's Fish Market, what I was kind of blown away by, I mean, there were some very beautiful women there, but with the noise, and the darkness, etcetera, etcetera, I would not have been able to discriminate, I wouldn't have been able to really determine whether this was really a quality person. There was so much interfering with my really being able to do a careful evaluation of somebody. And someone who thrives on that, who thrives on that darkness, who thrives on hiding behind these facades of expensive clothes, and scented, you know, perfumes, darkness and attitudes--that person is not for me.
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