A Description Of The Event I Am Searching For - An Irrevocable, Lasting Change - Need More Time On The Trail For Sufficient Pranic Charge, Cellular Excitation, Release Of Social Stress, And Aerobic Activity - 3 Hours And 2000' Elevation Gain Insufficient
A microcassette transcription.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 6, 1995
1995.12.6. Wednesday. (Beginning tape #50.)
This event that I am searching for is going to be much like that night of the descending force hitting me or the night of my opening the heart chakra. I'm going to get strung out and hung over for twelve hours, but basically I'll be fine. I will feel light, like I am swimming in something new. Other than that it will just be a period of readjustment. It will be a nighttime thing, or a liminal thing. It will produce irrevocable, lasting changes in my life. It will be a physiological event that takes place. I look forward to doing that. I don't look forward to working the following day, but I look forward to doing that. I just got to the top of the Kulio'o Ridge trail. Man is it windy. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get up here and I feel very strongly that I need another forty-five minutes before the turnaround point. Yes, about forty-five minutes more plus about a half hour of various forms of stretching and rest along the way. I just feel that my cells have not been depleted. I will be turning around, slowing down, before I've peaked. I just wish this trail were longer. One of the advantages of the Manoa trails is that they just go on and on. But in the trail system that I envision, all these ridges would have well-maintained trails connecting them from one peak to the next along the tops of the palis. There would be gravel, rope, everything you would need for a safe hike. Then I could do the trail at night. But as it is it is too treacherous. Tonight's hike will only be three hours or so, at least a third less than what I really need. What is it that I need? Call it cellular excitation, pranic charge, discharge of social and physical stress, or just plain aerobic activity. Whatever it is I need more than an hour and fifteen minutes of full-on push. This 2,000 foot peak does not even do it for me. In the mirror today, I just looked at myself. I am not at all pleased with myself physically. I feel kind of haggard; I look kind of haggard. I am witty at work and all, but I weighed in at 193 or 194. That's heavy, easily fifteen pounds more than I should be. I'm tired of carrying around all this excess. I really look forward to focusing on a simple life, just juicing, growing sprouts. I hope that will be possible once this process takes place. I am apprehensive about this impending event. You know, I don't want to go through all of that, all of that drama. I've been through too much suffering. I am not in the mood for more. I'm not. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being exposed to so much pain. In a way I just want to have my cake and eat it too. I don't mind feeling love, I just don't want to feel strung out. So I am a little bit scared by my lack of resolve for doing this. It is a tremendous question mark for me.
I don't know what I am going to be exposing myself to. There's a fifty-fifty chance---wow!-----helicopter---------There's a fifty-fifty chance that even if I do survive this on the level of adapting to work and driving my car and paying my debt that I will be opening myself to tremendous and pretty much unforeseen stress--whether it's radio waves and a growing sensitivity to all types of broadcasting, or it's smells, or attitudes, or I don't really know. I am not really sure. But there is a giant question mark and a great deal of fear in me. Because I really feel that I am not living in a safe environment. I knew this a long time ago: my intuition told me that there was a great gap between the requirements of this type of consciousness and the kind of world I have found myself in. My inner voice has been with me all the way on all of this, and it has not liked a lot of the stuff I am dealing with. But the practical side, the adapting side of me would always say, you know, we're just going to do this, this thing that I am doing with my life, and try to reap as much spiritual benefit as possible. But given the volatility of this whole thing, and the sensitivity it involves, for all I know one year from now I will be living in Fiji or something, forced into exile. So it is really with great trepidation that I am doing this. It is an intelligent concern. It is not a paranoid concern at all. But I am in this for the long haul; I've devoted my life to this. I'm a guinea pig for this process--even if I don't get fifty percent of what I should out of this whole thing and experience ten times the amount of suffering than I ought to have. My intention is to help people in the future, you know, to help them make intelligent choices about what they are going to do with themselves because what this is involving is our species, this time period on this planet. It is very important that we get as much information across to ourselves as possible.
You know, I don't know what other species, what other types of life forms on other planets, in other parts of the universe, you know, what kinds of travails they have had to deal with, grappling with the same kind of situation, I'm sure it's been pretty traumatic for most of them. I imagine that, let's say, in a situation where you didn't have the technologically invasive elements that we have, that I've experienced, there could conceivably be just as invasive, just as bad, social types of interference. Whether it's imprisonment, or torture, or who knows what, you know, that at least I live in a relatively humane society, at least in the way it deals with people in a social manner. So there are pros and cons here, although we definitely have our work cut out for us.So my intention is that, with as much resolve as I can muster, I'm going to be nightly addressing this, in the form of a request, an urgent sort of desire for God, focusing on my desire for God. I've been very dispassionate with my life, you know, not feeling much passion about anything. I'm going to be trying to really...I mean, if I've reaped any fruit at all on this path, it's going to show in my ability to want God so much that I transcend myself somehow. And so, basically, what that's going to involve is a solid half hour to an hour per night, or more, trying to get, trying to channel as much energy into that as I can. You know, like last night, like I described on the cassette, a feeling of a lot of tension in my chest area and throat, and pressure in my head, knotting in my forehead, and a feeling like this whole system is going to explode, that it is getting to that point. I just have to grin and bear it, bite my teeth and do it and, basically, get on with my life because really what my work is, what the real work involves is adapting to life with an opened up system like that, and allowing that to go its course, you know. It has a whole developmental process that flows from that, I have no doubt, and I want to write about it, and, you know, give the whole thing as much time as possible to run its course, to see what it can do.
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