Feeling Strangely Exhausted - Difficulty Focusing Attention - Product Returns - Need Greater Downward Force - Feeling The Gravitational Pull Of The Heart Muscle Upon A Self Consciousness Centered About The Brain's Hypothalamus - The Extraordinary Vibrational Effect Of The Heart Beat - Mesmerized By A Red Setting Sun - Pancreatic Function And Skin Discoloration

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 20-21, 1995


1995.12.20. Tape #51 continued.  Wednesday.

I feel strangely exhausted and depressed.  All day long I've been walking--hobbling--on my feet.  I spent almost five hours at the Sears Auto Center at Ala Moana, waiting for my car to get new tires and a new alignment job.  That, in itself, was very wiring: all the people, the cars, the frantic energy, all the radio towers down there--the whole thing was just too much.  I've got a lot of mucus, too.  My diet needs improvement.  I need to get rid of all the yogurt and almond butter I'm eating.  Although they're organic, they're not live foods, and they just create a toxic, mucus condition in me.  Over the past year I've had increasingly bad body odor.  It's gotten so bad that now, every day at work, I have to wash my underarms thoroughly with soap and water in order to smell clean. [I've never used underarm deodorant.]  What I feel is growing in me is this smell in my throat.  I have never in my life had halitosis.  My body fluids, my sweat, my exhaled air--everything has always smelled good.  My sweat and my sperm do not smell as good now, and I am afraid that, pretty soon, I will have noticeably bad breath.  I'm just bummed out about my body.  I've got to get my physical shit together soon.  I'm also bummed out about my diet.  I just don't have the time or the inclination to be eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. 

And this hike is tedious right now.  Last night it took me an hour and a half to get up and two hours to get back, plus a half hour up there--all in all, four hours.  That was an hour longer than it should have been.  It's not just a matter of time.  My pace is too slow.  I'm not able to get that sweat, that feeling of momentum as well as I need to.  I mean it's great to be up here, but it's not quite the catharsis that it should be when I have to painstakingly consider each step, in an effort to minimize this growing pain in the cartilage and ligaments of both my knees.  My legs are shot.  These legs are fucked up.  A couple of days ago, maybe a week ago, I really felt that I was onto something here, that I didn't need much more time.  But now I don't know if I have any time left, as far as my body's ability to pursue this path. 

And today, right now, after having spent so much time at Ala Moana, I feel drained and really disoriented.  I've been giving much too much consideration to my car.  I don't give a shit about my car.  Just being down there--God! I just absorbed so much weird shit.  Four hours down there.  What a nightmare.  10:45 a.m. until 3:45 p.m.  Correction--five hours down there.  I took a nap on a public bench, feeling like a social outcaste, a street person.  I felt very weak.  Another person getting her car worked on, this cute girl, sort of made eyes at me--not really seriously, but there was definitely some energy and desire there.  I felt so weak and pathetic that I swear I could have had an involuntary orgasm right there on the spot.  I have so little inner gravity, that I feel apt to spill my seed at the slightest provocation.  I couldn't hold her eyes for more than a split second before going into sexual meltdown.  I am so weak right now.

1995.12.21.  Tape #51 continued. Thursday.

I feel really strange.  I feel confused, tired, almost despairing.  I want to stop my hiking, terribly, but then I cannot because my spiritual needs require it.  Hiking is my meditation vehicle.  But, really, I just want to relax.  I'm tired of this shit.  So I am making a commitment to it, even though I am not happy with my diet, or anything right now.  My mom is coming in nine days, and that's a stress for me.  I was thinking of starting my sprouts up again just for her, but I don't want to get into all that again, yet.  I don't have the time or the energy right now.  But really, what's scaring me the most is this sense of confusion I have.  It's hard for me to muster up any focus intellectually on anything.  It's very bizarre, and I can't shake it.  I don't know what to say anymore. 

(Later.)  I'm on the Kulio'o Ridge Trail.  I'm feeling quite a bit better now.  But really, over the past month or so, I've had some bouts with feelings I'm very uncomfortable with.  Basically, they're feelings of inability to cope, feelings of confusion, and an inability to focus on anything.  The bureaucracy of keeping my house and personal life in order is falling apart a bit.  I don't like feelings like that.  Those states of mind are not functional.  They do not assist my survival.  Though they're centered in the brain, and in that respect might be considered superficial, I can tell you, definitely, that the rest of my body needs the analytical and survival-oriented skills of a sharp mind. 

In a nutshell, here's what happened today.  I did about a half-hour on the treadmill--which was very rewarding, although my left knee is a little unstable from it.  But at least I sweat a lot.  I took maybe three movements, bowel movements.  I massaged myself vigorously, especially in the face.  (Excuse my distractedness here--I'm shooing away a mosquito.  Ummmm.  It's still following me.)  I made some decisions to simplify some things in my life.  I decided I'm not going to take supplements anymore.  I'm tired of taking these artificially manufactured things to supplement my mineral intake--or whatever.  I'm going to go the distance now.  I'm in the home stretch, and I'm not going to do it with these artificial things--these yeast-grown minerals, or these synthetic vitamins.  So I got the bottles of the stuff that I hadn't used, that I hadn't opened, and I mailed it back to the manufacturer.  I should get a $239 credit from Megafood.  I also bagged up all these Power Bars that I hate, but that I've been eating anyway.  I don't like them because the quality of the ingredients in them are not good--lots of commercial milk protein, milk calcium, corn syrup, all doctored up with a lot of other stuff.  It's not in line with what my diet should be about.  I have forty-five of them!  So I'll get a $45 credit at Down to Earth.  So I got rid of that.  Also I've got two bottles more of another vitamin product, and some other stuff, like these glasses with little pinholes in them that are supposed to strengthen your eye muscles, all of which should give me a $100 credit at Eco Foods.  So, basically I feel like I got rid of some stuff that I didn't need.  So I feel good about that.  And I made the decision that I'm going to carry on with this hiking.  Somehow, my knees are better today than they were yesterday.  I don't know how that is, but I just thank God for it.  I'll try to be careful with them today.  Still, they can be easily strained.  My feeling, overall, is that I'm cleaning up my act, that I'm going to be more healthful--as far as my diet--and I'm going to carry on with this hiking, and I'm going to focus as much as I can on this inner process. 

I lay down this afternoon, after I had run some errands, and I felt my chest and stomach get heavy, and after a while I got to that crossover point where I was very relaxed, and I felt the shift occurring in my brain, and a distinct buzzing or vibration in one of my glands in my brain.  I could feel the buzzing, and I could hear it.  The locus of it was not that distinct, but maybe it was the hypothalamus or something.  But as far as the descending force goes, I'm still waiting for the big one.  As yet, it is not strong enough to carry me away.  That is, my mind is easily distracted.  It's got to be a pretty significant downward pull to absorb my distractibility.  If I was just a mental vegetable, had no gravity holding me to self-consciousness, and had zero distractibility, I would have been enlightened today.  But as I am, this force is going to have to present itself more dramatically. 

This afternoon as this downward pull grew stronger, something interesting happened, with respect to the locus of the predominant sensation.  It was not my thymus.  It was not that three or four inch long nerve coming up and out of my heart, that I call the sino-atrial node--though I don't know what that nerve or organ is exactly.  So it was not the nerve in my heart that I felt that night that I felt love in my chest.  It actually was my heart--the entire heart muscle itself.  I felt the gravitational pull coming from that.  That makes complete sense to me.  There is more of a divine logic to that.  Of course it's the heart.  It's not an endocrine gland.  It's not the right side of my chest, the side that Da Avabhasa talks about.  It's actually the heart muscle, the heart, this pumping thing.  To have that become the locus, or center of gravity, of a new consciousness, as opposed to the center of my brain, seems both remarkably logical and intuitively satisfying.  It seems that that's what's going on here.  Basically, the feeling of the descending force coming through me follows the path of the aorta.  I'm talking about the entire circulatory system coming to life.  There is no doubt about it.  I've been becoming more sensitive to my heartbeat, and to its pulsing of blood into my brain and extremities.  I know that I was keying in on that, in a very big way, a year ago before the anesthetic and all that.  The heartbeat was everything.  That pulse, the rippling of energy through all of my vessels, was becoming the most profound aspect of my being. 

(Later.)  I'm coming down from the top right now.  I was up there almost a half-hour.  I was watching the sunset--this beautiful red disc that sank into the ocean at about 5:58 p.m.  I was mesmerized.  I had a hard time not looking at it.  My brain's fried from looking at that absorbing red ball for so long.  The setting sun is such an intoxicating, overwhelming image.  I have a very strong ringing in my ears right now.  I wish I had comparable feelings in my stomach, chest, and throat, like I should.  They would ground this ringing, make it less awesome.  I'm very concerned about my pancreas.  The two red blotches on my left leg, each about the size of a quarter--now I've got two more that have started on my right leg, in the shin area.  These things wouldn't be happening to me if I were healthy.  It's imperative that I change this lifestyle of mine, soon.  But on a level of consciousness I'm feeling very free right now.  I have momentum.  I'm going for it here--I'm lunging for God.  I want It.







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