Importance Of Oxygen Levels In Air And Blood - Heaviness In Chest Getting Stronger - Strange Misfiring Of Ventricles - This Process Is Definitely For The Young And Healthful - An EMF-Conducting Hormone Secreted By The Heart - A Strong Persistent Suction Upon Entire Heart - Optimism Returning - Nearing A Major, Drastic Turning Point - Great Hike
Microcassette transcription.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 16-17, 1995
1995.12.16. Tape #50 continued. Saturday.
It's Saturday night, about 10:30 p.m. I took the evening off from hiking. Last night I had a pint of ice cream. Today my nose was running; I was coughing up mucus. I felt miserable. I didn't have my normal "get-up-and-go" feeling. My system felt overly acidic. I needed to rest tonight. I had a lot of things to accomplish today, but I didn't feel like doing any of them. So I just lay in bed most of the day, and went to the movies tonight. It's hard to explain it, but my nerves are quite agitated. My entire brain seems to be on fire--not a major fire, but definitely uncomfortable. My whole body is uncomfortable and achy. I'm seeing more cavity development in the gumline area of my two lower jaw incisors. It's scary to see my body falling apart like this. I cannot wait until I can stop my hiking and rest. I cannot wait until I can focus on a truly regenerative and physically replenishing diet and lifestyle, and just relax. It will be soon.
Yesterday I was at Eco Foods, and I saw a chart on the wall. In graphical form it showed the rate of decline of atmospheric oxygen over the past couple of hundred years. The drop in oxygen levels has been startling. It used to be something like fifteen or twenty percent just one hundred years ago. Now the air at ground level has only seven percent, world-wide. Bobby, the owner, told me that an oxygen-starved atmosphere has many health implications. For instance, many diseases thrive in an oxygen-reduced environment. Healthy people are known to have a greater amount of oxygen in their blood supply. While there are certainly co-factors--such as agricultural and industrial chemicals-- that have contributed to the deluge of modern diseases, one could argue that much is directly related to the deficiency of oxygen alone. One hundred years ago there was not nearly as much cancer, Alzheimers, or AIDS cases. You have to wonder why. To say that all of this clear-cutting of old-growth forests has contributed to global disease rates might appear a bit simplistic at first. But I am sure there is more truth to the statement than we know. Trees oxygenate and breathe vital life into the air. In the absence of this atmospheric regeneration, all of us would die.
1995.12.17. Tape #50 continued. Sunday.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon. I masturbated again today. (Sigh. Pause.) The heaviness in my chest is getting stronger and stronger. The weight is uncomfortable, actually. Very uncomfortable. As I lay down to relax, like I did last night and this afternoon, I felt this weight on me. Something is happening. Probably of most concern to me, and what is novel--wait, let me back up here. If you'll recall, it was perhaps in October of 1994, I had an orgasm in which I felt like my entire heart area was contracting; it was like the nerves wrapping around my heart and thymus gland were in the throes of a massive involuntary contraction. I felt like I was going to go into cardiac arrest. It was such a powerful orgasm that I thought I would die on the spot. Now, relating to that feeling is something that has been going on the last couple of days. When I relax in bed, and let some of the force come down into me, I've been feeling a great pressure in my heart. Actually right now as I speak there is a painful pressure throughout my heart. It is hard for me to bear this. It is painful. First of all, I don't think I have much cardiac obstruction. That is, in terms of physical openness to this process, I don't think you would find many people better prepared for, or more predisposed to, what is going on here. In other words, I don't think this pressure is due to some inherent weakness in me. Also, like last night, when I was laying down to sleep, my heart was beating maybe ten beats per minute faster than usual, fifty-five or so, which is quite a fast nighttime rate for me. And I had a great pressure on my heart. Also, every four or five beats there would be a flutter; that is, my heart would skip a beat. It is hard to describe this, but like one of my ventricles or something would misfire. It would go bump--bump--bump------bumpbump, instead of bump-bump----bump-bump----bump-bump. It was something strange like that. And when it missed a beat I would feel a weird fluttering in my body because it was wrong for my heart to act this way. So, what I can make sense of here, is that there must be some kind of spiritual transformation of my heart muscle, and that my heart is not as strong as it should be. I had a heart murmur as a child and, overall, I am just not as strong as I should be. So, when I give into this full descending force, and my heart races to 180 or 200 beats per minute like it will just for that brief period of time, I'm afraid that I'll go into cardiac arrest. This process is definitely for the young and healthful. So, it's just scary. Last night I almost thought I was going to die. I did not know how far this process would go, or what kind of toll it would take on my heart muscle. It's just a strange pressure throughout my chest and into my solar plexus--and my heart, definitely, my entire heart muscle, all pained. Not bad pain, but uncomfortable, like heat and pressure.
(Later, hiking.) I cannot overemphasize how weird this is--that my heart has this intense pressure on it. It's comparable, as far as a feeling goes, to the feeling of claws or the grip tightening on my testicles ten years ago when I was taking that examination in philosophy; where the harder I would think, the more that my balls would feel pulled upon. This process was hungrily drawing upon my balls for sustenance. Similarly, not only is my heart being transformed, perhaps in terms of becoming more spiritually open and sensitive, but I think something is being drawn from it. Not only is there a presence flowing into it, but something is being wrenched out of it. The heart muscle must be responsible for some sort of hormonal secretion that is essential to this process. None of my research has told me to expect something like this; nevertheless, I am certain that it is the case. Testicles secreting sperm is something everyone is familiar with. But an EMF-conducting hormone secreted by the heart? I have read that the heart is not just a muscle, that it does have some endocrine-gland-like functions as well. Apparently most major organs of the body secrete hormones: the bones, the digestive organs, the lungs, and of course the endocrine glands. But all of this is not something that I am familiar with. In any event, whether my knowledge base supports it or not, something fucking profound is going on in the left side of my chest. Truly, I thought I might die last night, that I would have a cardiac arrest and just pass from this world. The pain was not that great, but I was just very concerned because the pain was so unusual and so persistent. My heart was fluttering and beating faster than usual, indicating to me that it was under stress. It was a physically identifiable stress. As to the stress's spiritual sources--who knows? Very, very, very interesting. I'm getting more optimistic that soon--I'm hoping in the next few weeks or months--just for the sake of my teeth, knees, hair, skin, and general physical vitality--that this process will reach a major, drastic, turning point, such that I can stop hiking, and can stop fretting about all of this, and get on with my life. If it continues like this, at this rate, then I don't see the need for much more time before something happens.
(Later.) Heading up the Kulio'o Ridge. This is wild. For the past hour there has been a strong, persistent suction on my heart, the whole heart. All the nerves inside the heart seem to be pulling some substance from it, like the bees from a bee hive pulling eggs from their queen. Very fascinating. It seems that every gland has it's own purpose, or specialty. Apparently, the heart has some hormones particularly useful to the conduction of spiritual feeling, like that radiant feeling I had in my chest. Maybe that's where the thymus gets it's stuff, but I don't really know. But this is a first for me. I'm very pleased. Another reason why I was not that afraid last night, was that normally people who die of heart attacks are over-exerting themselves physically. But for me, it was just the opposite. I was laying in bed, almost ready for sleep, and not under much external stress--for instance, I was not thinking about going to work Monday morning, as if work were a great source of stress for me. But none of that was the case. It was a Saturday night, and I had just gotten back from a relaxing night at the movies. I had nothing, really, to worry about. So I knew that the stress was, definitely, of a spiritual nature. So, some good logical deduction helps you ferret out what to worry about, and what not to worry about. I feel like some major stuff is going to happen soon. And that's not just some idea based on hopes and aspirations coming out of the brain. I just feel it is an existential fact coming out of my gut and chest. Some kind of revolution is going to be coming up pretty shortly. So, I'll just carry on, as I'm coming down here out of the Ridge. Great hike today. It was windy at the top, on that flat, exposed, dry, dirt summit. Some swirling eddies of dirt blasted my face, which was irritating. I'm not carrying water, so I could not wash off. The weight of the water bottles carried in the fanny pack was irritating to my stomach. So I'm just going to walk, and be, and do my best to just let whatever happen, happen. My glands are still not up to the readiness level of where they were before. So that still concerns me. But I'm very happy to say that I'm making progress. I hope it goes farther.
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