Vibrant Love In A Dream - Feeling Hung Over At Work - Painful To Attend To My Duties - Spiritually Damaged - Tired Of The Search For Bliss And Knowledge - Jehovah's Witness Bible Freak - Masturbating Against An Ironwood Tree - Brain Vaporized Upon Orgasm - Feeling Returns To Thymus Gland - Mechanism For Transmission Of Feeling - Joy Coursing Up To Chin From Heart And Chest

A tape transcription.

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 14, 1995


1995.12.14.  Tape #50 continued. 

I'm hiking up the Kulio'o Ridge Trail.  I only did half the hike yesterday.  I did not go up the steep sections, although those are the most aerobically satisfying.  My knees couldn't take it.  I'm not sure what I am going to do today.  I'm trying to walk more gingerly.  So far my knee seems like it's hanging in there.  But if I push it, I'm sure it's going to hurt. 

Man!  I had a great dream last night.  The feeling of love was tremendous.  I was with Malia, a fifteen-year old girl I used to be infatuated with.  She and I were just sitting with each other, holding each other, feeling the steady, vibrant love connecting us.  It was so satisfying to feel like that, to feel like there is a social reality to this feeling of love.  I wish I had that feeling all day long.

Unfortunately the anguish continues.  At work I felt so hung over.  It was only with great difficulty that I could focus.  It was painful to attend to these work duties.  I felt so burdened and heavy with disappointment and disinclination to do what I was supposed to do, or to talk with whom I was supposed to talk.  Upon getting home I felt so flattened.  At school I held some kids close to me, and love was there, but I could not feel it.  Had it happened before the dental anesthetic, my glands would have been flying with feeling.  But as it was, I registered little if anything.  I felt my thyroid light up a little bit, as I encouraged a feeling of connection between me and my students, but overall, it was a giant disappointment.  When I got home I lay down.  I felt the descending force come into me.  I had the ringing in my ears and the feeling of pressure and weight throughout my body.  But it was weak; it was so easily defeated and distracted.  I focused on my prostate and my legs, trying to forcibly drag a feeling of heaviness into me.  I was feeling something with that, but not enough.  I just don't have enough lift.  I'm just not able to drag this spiritually handicapped carcass to the point of exaltation.  I'm not hiking enough, and to make matters worse, I'm spiritually damaged.  I just don't have what it takes.  I'm a Model T whose entered the Indianapolis 500.  It's a joke.  So of course I'm horribly frustrated.  Every day I'm wondering, "When am I going to stop all this?"  All I want sometimes is to cease grasping at this development, cease urging it on in some kind of manic hyper-drive.  I'm tired of this continual search for bliss and knowledge.  When is it going to stop?  When will the event ever come that puts me at ease?  I want it all to end.  I'm tired.  I just want to grow sprouts and relax.  I just pray that I can continue this search through Christmas.  Hopefully that will be enough time.  (My left knee is sore right now.)  But so far I have had mediocre results.  Interestingly, I have almost no desire to come.  It's been two weeks, and it's been very easy for me.  I've had very little urges to resist keeping it inside me.  In itself, it's been kind of boring.  I just haven't felt passionate.  Unfortunately, my work, the car traffic, living with a Jehovah's Witness Bible freak--it's all a big drain.  When I look at my life there is very little to inspire me.  More often than not, it is a vast wasteland, an emotional desert.  Of course, there's some good stuff, but it does not predominate.  On the whole, what I've got is a situation that is not conducive to feelings of greatness and depth.  Which does not help this feeling of spiritual mediocrity that grips me as I limp up this hike. 

(Later.)  I made it up to the top of the ridge.  Very little inspiration up there.  In fact, I felt pretty much immune to most any feeling at all.  Coming down I had more of an inclination to masturbate--partly because I had thought about it earlier, but also because it has been two weeks, and I'm just not feeling anything.  Emotionally I'm just stuck, or static, or something.  So I stopped along the descent and I leaned up against this beautiful ironwood tree, with the wind blowing around me, thinking of this beautiful woman I saw at the post office yesterday--a cute girl, energetic eyes, nice breasts and legs, a Japanese girl, who went out of her way to ask me some stupid questions about postal regulations regarding packages.  It was clear that she just wanted to interact with me.  There were many other people she could have asked besides me.  So, anyways, leaning against the tree, in my mind, I had sex with her right there, on the floor of post office waiting area.  It took a lot of foreplay, at least fifteen minutes thinking about it--different smells, positions, emotional exchanges, places we were touching, etcetera--to bring myself to an orgasm.  It was really a great orgasm.  I had about fifteen strong pulses out of my penis.  My brain was vaporized--the center of my brain, the crown, the third eye area.  I don't remember if my thyroid pulsed, but it was certainly buzzing and felt light.  But here's the good thing: I felt a contraction in my thymus gland.  That's the first time since the dental injection a year ago that I have felt a contraction there.  I felt fluid leaving it.  It was kind of a remote feeling.  But it was there. 

As far as what this transmission of feeling is, I have several theories operating here.  One is that it is a dormant potential that is awakened with enlightenment, awakened with this process.  And this potential, once activated, is highly vulnerable, and can be devastated from environmental pollutants--for instance, anesthetics.  Just as when you pluck out your eye you can no longer see, similarly, if you damage this capacity--I don't know if it is vibrating cilia, activated hormone receptor sites, or what the hell it is--the body does not have the resources to replace it.  This has to be the case because it has been a year now, and I am still very much in the dark, still very much spiritually insentient.  There is a lot to be said for that theory.  You're given a one-shot deal, so you better be careful, you better take care of yourself.  You only have one body, one vehicle, for feeling this spiritual presence.  You have to know that if you screw up, that this body has real limits as to its capacity to regenerate itself.  My other theory is more of a corollary to the preceding in that this generation of feeling is a kind of heightened chemical process that naturally, slowly, develops as a consequence of awakening.  It's a hormonal thing, a vibrant charge inside of you that just grows all by itself.  It is hormonal, chemical, and developmental because I find that sexual orgasm--which is an intense feeling in itself--tends to promote more of this incredible internal feeling over time.  Orgasm, and to a lesser degree, our normal biological processes--circulation, digestion, thinking, etcetera--promote the growth of spiritual awareness.  The point of all this is to promote your spiritual conductivity.  Of course, given how I've been pulverized by environmental toxins and stressors, I'm only minimally conductive--at least compared to how I was, and how I should be.  I have not regained a tenth of my initial perceptual capacity.  Nevertheless, with each orgasm my sensitivity to spirit increases.  Of course, that does not give me a license to come five times a day and just waste my physical body.  Using prudence, and holding out as long as possible between orgasms, like two or three weeks, or whatever is appropriate for your life force, you can really use that tanking up and subsequent release to urge this whole matter toward total transcendence.  But it's been a year, and a year is a long time, and I'm still a shadow of what I was.  And it took me ten years prior to that, since the onset of this awakening process, to prepare my mind and body for the transformation.  But this is all a working hypothesis.  I am not sure of anything.  I am just interpreting my experience in light of all the information that I have at my disposal.  I am sure that no other explanation rings as true to me.  In the end, all I can do is pray, and hope against hope that more of the feeling can come back to me, soon.  I'm getting older.  I only have this one life.  And somehow I still cannot reconcile myself with physical death.  I just don't see it happening to me.  But given what I've been through, the future appears much more blurry to me now.  All I can say is that there must be more that's positive ahead of me somehow. 

(Later.)  It's 10:15 p.m. at night.  Since my orgasm this evening there has been an uncomfortable pressure on my thymus gland the entire time.  Now that I am laying down, extraordinary things are happening.  I felt more joy and feeling in my chin, coursing upward from my chest and heart.  It is remarkable, maybe ninety percent of where it was before the anasthetic.  I'm amazed at how persistent and consistent the feeling is.  I'm also feeling ripples of the same energy coursing through my upper jaw.  It just makes sense.  This process, were it to continue without external interference, would slowly involve every nerve of my body, every cell of my body.  But the process is a strain.  My poor little thymus is working hard.  It is like it's shuddering to deliver on the needs of this process.  I feel like I am buzzing or stoned, like being awake in a surreal dream.  But it is all good, and I deserve this feeling.  It's been fifty weeks--count them!--five-zero, that I have gone basically without feeling.  This has been a long time in coming.  I pray that this continues without further setbacks.  A smile--a sincere smile--almost crept over my face on account of this extraordinariny feeling.  But it's no surprise, given how much time I've devoted to reconstructing this feeling inside me.  Like obsessively massaging my jaw and my mouth in every spare moment.  In fact, my whole face has been getting the heck massaged out of it for this entire past year.  It's finally paying off.  I have a terrific sense of vindication.  The feeling is stronger on the left side of my lower jaw--I hope it picks up a bit more on the right side tomorrow.  Also, the center of my brain is peculiarly calm and attentive.  Prior to right now, since the dentistry, it had felt dark and somber; it had nothing to do--it was bored and listless.  But its job, the function of the brain, is just to observe this coursing of feeling.  It's just supposed to observe it and to monitor it.  The brain is feeble compared to this feeling-presence.  At most the brain can serve to help create circumstances that foster the body's maximal conductivity of this feeling.  All the brain can do is bask in wonderment at its unbelievable good fortune to have such a profound feeling to witness.  Mentally, it all boils down to an inexplicable sense of wonder.  It is in the brain's being subsumed by an altogether far more fabulous a mode of consciousness that sets it free, that fulfills it.  My mind is just sitting there, speechless, as this spectacle of feeling consumes it.  It is almost more than my mind can do than to sit there, with mouth agape. 







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