The Human Body Is A Sail That Catches Spiritual Wind - Pushing This Process From A Mental Level Is Destablizing - Spiritual Blue Balls - Need To Make This Jump Soon - By Christmas? - Too Much Time Spent Hiking - No Time For Wheatgrass - Consciously Relaxing A Perceived Tightness At The Crown Of My Head
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 12, 1995
1995.12.12. Tuesday. (Tape #50 continued)
I'm going up the switchbacks on the Kulio'o Ridge trail. (breathing heavily) I'm frustrated. My central nervous system's as clean as I can get it: I'm doing this hiking, I'm eating pretty well, living pretty well, and I'm just not getting the lift that I need. My system--if you consider the glands, the brachial nerve plexus, and etcetera a system--is like a sail that catches this spiritual wind. But my sail has some holes in it. So I am not able to get the speed I need. I feel like I am making an effort to run, but am but standing in place. I feel like a car that tries to accelerate rapidly and succeeds only in spinning its wheels. There is just not enough traction between God and me. I need a new body. Or, if you consider God as the car’s engine—the animating force—and to keep this metaphor consistent, I need new tires. Better yet, I’ve got a premium grade gasoline inside of me, but my engine is broken and can’t burn it.
Inside, at times, I am feeling increasingly frantic, like everything is going to explode or break down. I'm feeling more mellow right now, but, this franticness--or birth pangs if you will--is getting pretty strong. I guess that's a good sign. Something's got to give. I was feeling the sun on my cheeks and neck, and I am sure that the amount of feeling there is more than a normal nervous system would feel. But it's not that dramatic. I can't really say that it's amazing or anything. Just mildly pleasant. I didn't have time to lay down this afternoon, but I did anyway, for about ten minutes. I wasn't able to really rest, because I had to make sure I got out of there on time. But I got some feeling going. But I am really having to push this from a mental level...pushing this feeling of love, this thought of love--the thought of a heavy spiritual force entering me. I'm having to push this, initiate this from the point of view of my brain, rather than allowing it well up within me spontaneously. I feel frustrated. I've got major spiritual blue balls. I definitely feel that I need to find time to meditate appropriately, and definitively, and decisively in the next month or so, because I am starting to feel some pain starting to grow in my teeth. My teeth sometimes are painful even when I am not eating. At least one of my teeth. And it's only going to get worse if I continue to push myself physically several hours per day. I need to rest. But I need a spiritual breakthrough first. Maybe this Christmas break--who knows?--I'll be able to do what it takes, jump this gap. I just want to be done with it so that I can get on with my life. I want to stop this hellacious hiking habit. It's a waste of my gas and time. It's wonderful, but I want its purpose to come to an end. My seeds at home that I've had since the summer--I've got eight twenty-five-pound or fifty-pound sacks of sprouting seeds--they're starting to get mildew on them. And of course I don't have time to really deal with them when all of my free time is spent on this damned mountain. I'll have to chuck them if I don't start sprouting again soon.(later) As I lay on my bed for a few minutes this afternoon, I had somewhat novel feelings. I felt that the center of my brain was tight, and as I loosened it I felt tightness above it. Then I loosened that area, and I felt tightness above it. And then I loosened that, repeating this process a few more times until I got to the crown of my head, where I felt it tight like a knot. Then I tried to relax it. The crown is like an aperture or something; when it's relaxed, things come flowing through. I have never felt such a conscious connection, of feeling these areas tight, and of being able to consciously release them.
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