The Human Body Is A Sail That Catches Spiritual Wind - Pushing This Process From A Mental Level Is Destablizing - Spiritual Blue Balls - Need To Make This Jump Soon - By Christmas? - Too Much Time Spent Hiking - No Time For Wheatgrass - Consciously Relaxing A Perceived Tightness At The Crown Of My Head

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - December 12, 1995

1995.12.12.  Tuesday.  (Tape #50 continued) 

I'm going up the switchbacks on the Kulio'o Ridge trail.  (breathing heavily)  I'm frustrated.  My central nervous system's as clean as I can get it: I'm doing this hiking, I'm eating pretty well, living pretty well, and I'm just not getting the lift that I need.  My system--if you consider the glands, the brachial nerve plexus, and etcetera a system--is like a sail that catches this spiritual wind.  But my sail has some holes in it.  So I am not able to get the speed I need.  I feel like I am making an effort to run, but am but standing in place.  I feel like a car that tries to accelerate rapidly and succeeds only in spinning its wheels.  There is just not enough traction between God and me.  I need a new body.  Or, if you consider God as the car’s engine—the animating force—and to keep this metaphor consistent, I need new tires.  Better yet, I’ve got a premium grade gasoline inside of me, but my engine is broken and can’t burn it. 

Inside, at times, I am feeling increasingly frantic, like everything is going to explode or break down.  I'm feeling more mellow right now, but, this franticness--or birth pangs if you will--is getting pretty strong.  I guess that's a good sign.  Something's got to give.  I was feeling the sun on my cheeks and neck, and I am sure that the amount of feeling there is more than a normal nervous system would feel.  But it's not that dramatic.  I can't really say that it's amazing or anything.  Just mildly pleasant.  I didn't have time to lay down this afternoon, but I did anyway, for about ten minutes.  I wasn't able to really rest, because I had to make sure I got out of there on time.  But I got some feeling going.  But I am really having to push this from a mental level...pushing this feeling of love, this thought of love--the thought of a heavy spiritual force entering me.  I'm having to push this, initiate this from the point of view of my brain, rather than allowing it well up within me spontaneously.  I feel frustrated.  I've got major spiritual blue balls.  I definitely feel that I need to find time to meditate appropriately, and definitively, and decisively in the next month or so, because I am starting to feel some pain starting to grow in my teeth.  My teeth sometimes are painful even when I am not eating.  At least one of my teeth.  And it's only going to get worse if I continue to push myself physically several hours per day.  I need to rest.  But I need a spiritual breakthrough first.  Maybe this Christmas break--who knows?--I'll be able to do what it takes, jump this gap.  I just want to be done with it so that I can get on with my life.  I want to stop this hellacious hiking habit.  It's a waste of my gas and time.  It's wonderful, but I want its purpose to come to an end.  My seeds at home that I've had since the summer--I've got eight twenty-five-pound or fifty-pound sacks of sprouting seeds--they're starting to get mildew on them.  And of course I don't have time to really deal with them when all of my free time is spent on this damned mountain.  I'll have to chuck them if I don't start sprouting again soon. 

(later)  As I lay on my bed for a few minutes this afternoon, I had somewhat novel feelings.  I felt that the center of my brain was tight, and as I loosened it I felt tightness above it.  Then I loosened that area, and I felt tightness above it.  And then I loosened that, repeating this process a few more times until I got to the crown of my head, where I felt it tight like a knot.  Then I tried to relax it.  The crown is like an aperture or something; when it's relaxed, things come flowing through.  I have never felt such a conscious connection, of feeling these areas tight, and of being able to consciously release them. 





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