I'm Really Tired - My Neck Is Sore - My Neck Is Stiff - Slogging Through A Hellacious Spiritual Swamp - An Entrenched Self-Consciousness - Being Separate Is Not The Truth - An Auspicious Release Of Energy From The Heart

Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - November 9, 1994

1994.11.9. Wednesday.  [Tape #22, side B, continued.]  

I’m driving home from work.  I’m really tired.  I’ve been so tired today.  I’ve had some difficulty keeping focused at work.  I’m sore in the back of my head.  I’m sore in my neck, too -- right along the back of my neck.  It’s been stiff, too.  It’s unusual.  There’s no identifiable reason for this stiffness.  So, overall, it’s just been really hard to be at work.  I focused on my solar plexus and didn’t breath as deeply as I wanted to for most of the day. It’s very odd, this whole business.

What I need is a perceptual shift.  What I’m seeing right now [is that] I’m not seeing right.  My relationship to what is going on is that of being separate.  But being separate is not the truth.  I had an intuition today -- a gut level understanding -- that something needs to change -- that something will change.  When I thought this I felt a flush of energy through my system, and a release of energy from my heart.  It was at a minor level -- maybe just 3% of the energy flux necessary to accomplish the shift in an irreversible, holistic manner.  But it definitely was pointing in the right direction.  It will come in time.  What was most interesting to me was the release in the heart.  I have so far to go.  In the meantime, I have a hellacious spiritual swamp to slog through before this shift occurs spontaneously. 

Until then, I’m going to be feeling really tired.  I’m rubbing the back of my head; it is so sore.  Maybe the soreness is a reflection of my being invested in an identity of separation at work. Maybe it’s because much of my brain is not aligned with this particular perspective that I’m trying to establish.  Maybe the entrenchment of my self-consciousness against this shift is the cause for the friction -- this bottleneck of energy in the back of my head.

(laying down)  I am so heavy.  I‘m not comfortable breathing much.  I get dizzy easily.  It’s taking greater and greater will power to stay focused on this plane.  My whole body is being pushed to change.  We will see what happens with this.  It isn’t a focus on the mind at all.  That's not at all what’s going on right now.  It seems that everything is being pushed along [right where it needs to be going].



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