Less Sugar - No Bread, Honey, Or Dried Fruit - Loosening The Solar Plexus - Shallow Breathing - Feeling Grounded - Pancreas - Root Life Force - No Emotional Quality, Per Se - The Role Of Desire - Letting This Process Fall Into Place By Its Own Intention
A microcassette transcription.
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - November 8, 1994
1994.11.8. [Tuesday. Tape #22, side B, continued. Hiking after work.]
I’m on my hike. Don’t quote me on this, but I think my body is trying to make an adjustment to a diet that is less sugar-oriented. It’s very difficult because I have a high-energy lifestyle. But the last few days I have definitely consumed less sugar. Today, for example, before I went on my hike, I didn’t want to have any sweets. So -- and this is unusual for me -- I had a small bowl of pasta with some tomato sauce. I didn’t have any bread with honey, no dried fruit -- just complex carbohydrates from the pasta. Understand that this has to power me through 4-5 hours of hiking. I always have a major sugar feast before hiking. But, increasingly, I don’t feel the need for it. This yearning for less sugar is occurring coincidentally with a complex of symptoms and behaviors. One is that my stomach wants to hang lower; so I’ve totally loosened my solar plexus. Doing that makes me a little light-headed -- but that’s occurring anyway. I feel a little bit disoriented and a little bit sluggish, meaning that I don’t have quite the energy-burst potential that I usually have. I have to go at a slower pace, but that’s okay. What I feel is happening is that I am acclimating to a different form of energy. My pancreas is making some adjustments. I’m trying to feel the pancreas right now: It’s harder to feel than other areas, like the heart or the thyroid. But I do feel a lightness down there -- and a bit of a churning feeling. I feel something like heavy, slow, butterflies in it. We’ll see where this progresses. Doing these 4, closer to 5-hour hikes, without a lot of sugar flowing through my system is going to be interesting; I’ll have to be careful to not get too light-headed -- and go into a hypoglycemic coma or something.
I have to draw a comparison between what I am feeling now and where I was this summer. Throughout this past summer I was tanking up on sugar like you can’t believe. In a way it was totally cleaning out my system. I would have a whole bunch of honey, and some bread, and a whole half-gallon jar of organic dried fruit that I had soaked overnight in distilled water. Then, after 5, or sometimes 6 hours of hiking, I would come back and gorge on watermelon. This is vastly different than what has been going on the last few days. For the last few days, I’ve been coming home feeling a bit disoriented. Yes, disoriented is the right word: I’ve felt existentially uncomfortable -- but the feeling hasn’t been anything terribly dramatic. My whole body has simply felt queasy. And I haven’t reached for the sugar. I’ve had maybe 2 grapefruit and I went to bed. That, in general, for a 5-hour hike like this, is not at all a sufficient form of energy replenishment -- if you’re dealing with food energy on the gross level. But it’s obvious that I am beginning to draw upon some other energy sources. It’s an awesome thing; I look forward to seeing where this development takes me.
There are some other physical symptoms to relate, although I’m not sure if they have much relevance to this spiritual process. For example, my fingernails are getting thinner; they’re more pliable. When I press down on them I can much more easily see the pinkness turn white on the inside of the fingernail. Also, my skin feels very sensitive. It feels like it’s bristling; there’s an unusual tightness and dryness to my skin. In a sense, it also feels unusually lifeless, though it is extremely sensitive. I don’t feel like it is coursing with blood. You would think that 5 hours of hiking each day would moisten and enliven my skin in a very physical sense. But right now that isn’t the case at all. Something very different, like a reversal or a shift, is going on. My skin has a vibrant orange color, like it usually has, on account of all the papayas and carrots I eat. My skin is hot, too. At least it feels hot to me, even if its actual temperature is normal. My hope is that when this radiation that I’m constantly feeling is made radically manifest to me, that it will have a cooling effect upon my system. The intention of this heat that is constantly brewing inside of me is to build to a climactic activation point whereby this energy will finally be made apparent to me. Though my skin feels odd, it is healing very well. I have a couple of cuts and they’ve healed very fast. Also, I have a decalcified area on my tooth that might have been a cavity; but I think I’ve been able to reverse its progress with the help of some mineral supplements I’ve been taking. Hopefully, I’ve saved myself from getting a filling.
[Later on the hike.] I’ve felt the need to not breathe; so I’ve been breathing very little at all. I’m practically a corpse on this hike. I don’t know why. I’m also tightening my stomach a bit. I can’t wait till I can let my stomach hang freely -- and breathe deeply and comfortably all the time.
I was reflecting on how deadpan my disposition has become over the last several years. I’m not as hyperactive and emotionally explosive. I’ve become more serene and analytical. People may fault my mind for being excessively analytical; but all it’s been doing is trying to understand this process. Kundalini gives me so much to think about that my mind becomes tied up in knots. But I almost never go out of my way to ask big philosophical questions like, "Who am I?" Or, "What is the ultimate meaning of this?" Or, "Oh God! Why don’t you show me the answer?" Those kinds of questions stir me up so deeply, so quickly. But that is precisely the problem: My brain is already too much in the foreground on this development. I’m trying to have it become just a silent witness to the remainder of this process. I mean, I don’t mind if it thinks, but it’s got to learn to be in the backseat with the respect to the rest of this development that’s going on in my heart and solar plexus -- the rest of my body -- and the universe around me. If I were to just sit around wishing -- desiring -- to see light in my head, I’d be wrapped up in a rubber suit in very short order. Maybe I’d see light very quickly if I were to just sit and focus on that as my goal. But my whole feeling is that you need to let this process fall into place by its own intention. Don’t get me wrong: Desire is essential. But it’s just to put this whole thing into motion. You need to relax and allow this process to decide the pace and the steps it wants to take. It’s not about your pushing and shoving this process with desire. This essence of this process is desire. For much of this process, your desire is unnecessary. In fact, it’s a hindrance. You need to let it do its own desiring -- you don’t need to amplify it. You need to be like a firmly secured mast of a boat, holding firm as this process fills your sails with a gale force wind, propelling you across the ocean.
[Toward the end of the hike.] I feel grounded. For the last 5 hours I haven’t breathed much and I’ve held a light tension throughout my solar plexus. I think it concentrated some energy there. This whole area feels warm. I think I’m developing something down there. I’ve been holding it tight and not letting it move at all as I breathe. I’ve been breathing very shallowly from my upper chest, rather than diaphragmatically. My chest rises and falls almost imperceptibly. There is not much of a feeling that emanates from the solar plexus. It’s more of a neutral, root life force. It’s incredibly empowering; but there are no emotions associated with it, per se. I’ll report more on it as I learn.
Once again, it feels like I’ve depleted my physical being in the service of strengthening my subtle nervous system. All this no-breathing, et cetera is taking a toll on me. But it’s helped me to feel much more grounded than I did earlier today. Definitely, I sent some energy to that system throughout this hike. Having this 5 hours of hiking is a plus, physically. I would feel much worse off without it.
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