The Annoyance Of Being Lectured To By A Friend - Self-Consciousness Like A 1000 Pound Lead Weight Dragging From Behind - I Don't Need To "Do" Anything - What I Need Is An Orientation Shift To Pure Awareness That Stems From My Whole Being - Sleeping For 12 Hours
Kundalini Awakening - Spiritual Signs And Symptoms - November 10, 1994
1994.11.10. Thursday. (Tape #22, side B, continued.)
(In my room after work.) I got home yesterday and felt so tired. I laid down to rest around 4:30 p.m. and then X called, holding me on the phone for 25 minutes. I had a lot of problems with that phone call. X's always negative about my life, while I’m always positive about his. Although spiritually he is totally at odds with a lot of things, he’s doing what he wants to do: So why should I criticize it? It wears on me to hear him lecture me about what mistakes I’ve made in adopting this humble way of life. I need to ask him to be more supportive of me. Anyway, it was 5:15 p.m. and I didn’t have the oomph to do my hike. I felt like my self-consciousness was a 1000 pound lead weight dragging behind me -- all friction and interference.
It is apparent to me that, increasingly, consciousness, my state of consciousness, throughout my whole body, is the dilemma. A resolution to that is what I need. I don’t want to go out to do anything. That’s not what I need. I don’t need to eat. I don’t need to do anything. I just need to change inside.
So I didn’t go hiking yesterday. I went to bed. I slept 12 hours. Terrible. I woke up a couple of times to snack; but, basically I slept forever. I am confused. I don’t know what I am dealing with. I’ve decided to continue to force myself through these physical maneuvers of exercise. That will help ground this process. But that’s not going to bring about the needed shift. Something else will have to happen. My whole sense of being is the source of dilemma. Something has to happen about that. It’s like the problem Adi Da described in one of his earlier works, Methods of the Siddhas. What I’m hoping for is a change in consciousness -- an orientation shift to pure awareness that stems from my whole being. The shift I hope for involves a radical altering at my solar plexus, my head, my throat, my heart -- everything. I’m not sure how it takes place. But I will continue to hold back and not allow an enlightenment to occur merely at my head. I want everything to be pulled down so it’s fully grounded and I get the cooling feeling from the descending energy.
Some physical symptoms. I get dizzy easily whenever I turn my head quickly or lean down too far. My digestion’s been off: I’ve had a lot of gas. I still need to breathe shallowly. Those are some physical symptoms that have gone along with this process; but there have been no changes in my perception. (phone ringing) I am constantly scrutinizing who I am, trying to perceive my individual consciousness in the context of where it’s occurring, trying to include myself in a wider perception. I’m really trying to do that.
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